Well, the potty training has basically flopped but...
DH is taking Friday off and we're spending the day together so I'm going to post tonight and Thursday night instead of tomorrow and Friday.
I'm still intrigued by the vehemence of the response to Clark's lunches with Mayson and addressed it
here . I'm interested to see what you guys think about it after this segment.
I'm planning on posting a couple more of Martha's letters either tonight or Thursday - not sure which yet. Got schoolwork that HAS to get done today so...
FDK welcome
.
Carol
*****
Chapter 14
*****
Clark dropped Lois off at the hotel and told her he had an errand to run and that he'd be back soon. The reality was he needed a quick trip to the Arctic. He hadn't held her that closely or for that long in a very long time and he was upset with himself that, in the midst of such sorrow, his hormones refused to stay under control. He could only hope she hadn't noticed. The last thing she needed right now was to deal with his libido.
He knew when the distance between them had started to grow, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. Suddenly, they'd just stopped talking. The foundation they'd been building towards a life together was left partially finished and the construction crews had gone on strike, leaving no one behind to negotiate with. He wondered again if Aunt Louise had really known what she was talking about when she told him to be patient.
He'd talked to Lois' great aunt many times and often came close to pouring his heart out to her, but he always held back. He needed to work things out with Lois, not complain to her aunt who might then relay the message back to her. Their schedules were so erratic and so opposite that he rarely saw his wife for more than half an hour or so a day, not counting when they were asleep together. He was gone as she got up and if she wasn't asleep when he got home, she was close most nights. The nights he was home, she was out late working and ready to crash by the time she got there. That was no way to try to build a relationship of any kind much less a marriage that would withstand the tests that life was bound to throw at it.
He sat on an iceberg floating in the middle of the North Atlantic. A pod of Orcas played nearby. Unbelievably, he'd actually gotten to know this particular group of whales over the last two years. He'd swum with them more times than he could remember. His trips had become less frequent but he could see one of the adolescent males eyeing him – wondering why he wasn't playing with them as he had in the past. He just didn't feel like it this time though.
Fifteen months until school was done with and their lives could begin. Would things be any easier? Surely they couldn’t be much worse. Could they? Could they make it that long? Would they? Would it be over the day after Lucy graduated? Or the day she turned eighteen? Would Lois' fears send her packing and running far, far away once Lucy's future was no longer an issue? He knew he wouldn't be the one to initiate any kind of separation, but would Lois? He hoped not.
He wondered again how much she was holding back from him. Things Lucy and even Jimmy had said from time to time made him think that there was a lot more in her childhood and early teen years that had scarred her more deeply than she would admit to anyone – even him. Especially him. Lucy's brief description of the fairy princess stories the summer before, combined with Lois' vehement insistence that he not read them, made him think that her issues with abandonment went far deeper than he'd suspected. More than just a Dad with girlfriends and a Mom with a drinking problem. It hurt a bit that Lucy had apparently confided in Jimmy much more than Lois had confided in him. But if he was being completely honest about it, their relationship was light years ahead in many ways, because they had the luxury of time in a way that he and Lois had never had and probably wouldn't have until college was over. He'd even done some research into it – just a little bit – looking to see if there were any police records of abuse or domestic violence calls to the Lane home. There were none.
He sighed and stood up on the big piece of floating ice. She was shutting him out right now and he wasn't sure what to do to get her to let him back in. She'd been starting to open up some, but the walls around her heart were firmly back in place. He just wished that there was something he could do to break them down, but he was afraid only time would show her that he wasn’t going anywhere.
As he thought about their letters over the years, he realized just how little truly personal stuff she'd mentioned. Oh, she'd talked about school, especially the paper, and the guys she'd dated – mainly Joe – and how frustrating it was that the Dan guy he'd met at prom wouldn't take a hint and her friends and, superficially, her parents. She never went into too much detail – just that her Dad might have another new girlfriend or her Mom was drinking again after 4 weeks sober, but never any more than that. And she talked about his life – either to ask questions or in response to things he'd written.
Maybe he could convince her to go to Colorado with him when they left for Metropolis. He hadn't been back since her graduation dinner and while he wanted desperately to know what else the globe had to say to him, he couldn’t bear the thought of going without her. Maybe once they were airborne he'd suggest it as his birthday was coming up and the rest of his mom's letters were still there. That was an idea – suggest it in a very casual, nonthreatening way.
He sighed and, putting his arms in the air, took off for Texas.
*****
That afternoon had been spent dealing with the funeral home and making final arrangements there as well as with the retirement community. The condo would be sold but the family would need to pack up everything, or pay to have someone do it, before it could be put on the market. They didn't understand why that was, but it was. Louise had a competent attorney who walked them through everything.
Most of the money from the sale of the condo as well as the rest of her assets would be split between Clark and Lois and Lucy. Some would be given to certain charities and there were stipulations for Clark and Lois that would not be revealed until later. There was also a brownstone in Metropolis that would go to the young couple, but it was in a long-term lease with an old friend of hers that she would not allow to be broken. But the vast majority of her estate would be given to her nieces and nephew-in-law. Unfortunately, the earliest they'd be allowed to actually use any of it would be when Lois turned 21 so it wouldn't ease the financial burden any time soon.
That evening was the wake and people Lucy and Lois had never met offered their condolences. A late dinner in the hotel restaurant was their last stop but most of the food was just sort of pushed around on their plates.
The three had gone upstairs together, separating when they arrived at their adjoining rooms.
Lois waited as Clark opened their door and then walked to the window to look out over the city, a stray tear running down her face.
A blinking light on the phone indicated a message. Clark listened to it and told her he was going to go down to the front desk – that something had been left for them. She nodded and waited until the door shut to turn back to the room.
Leave it to Aunt Louise to get them a much nicer room than was strictly necessary. The king size bed was, of course, no bigger than their one at home, but the bedding was significantly nicer. Part of her wondered what they would do if they'd been in a room with two double beds instead – like Lucy's. They'd determined a long time ago that a double bed wasn't big enough to be comfortable with both of them in it. Would Clark sleep with her in a too-small double bed or in the other one – if that had been their choice? She wasn't sure which option she liked better and was glad to not have to find out.
Lois shivered just a bit and wondered if Clark had turned the temperature down or if it was already set like that. She contemplated turning it back up a bit warmer, but the truth was she missed sleeping close to him all night. Maybe, if he stayed near her tonight, the dreams would stay away. As long as one of the *other* dreams didn't come, she'd be okay.
The key in the lock surprised her. She'd planned to be in the shower by the time he got back, avoiding as much contact as possible. They'd spent more time together already today than they had in the last month.
Clark entered and held an envelope out to her. "This came for you."
Her brows creased together. "Who's it from?"
He shrugged. "No idea."
She took it and turned it over, sliding a finger under the flap. "Who knows we're here?" She pulled the single piece of stationary out and gasped.
"What is it?"
"It's from Aunt Louise." A catch in her voice indicated that tears were threatening.
"Really?"
She nodded, skimming through it quickly, deciding that she could share it with Clark. "Dearest Lois," she read. "If you're reading this it means that I and my beloved Joe are together again. Don't mourn me, dear. Rejoice in my long and happy life. You told me once about the letters Clark's mother left for him and I thought the idea was inspired. I'm sure I've mentioned it to her by now, but I'm going to borrow the idea for myself. There's a fire box in the condo that has a small stack of letters in it – there's one for Clark and another for Lucy as well, but the rest are for you. The key is in the top desk drawer. Regardless, make sure you tell Clark that I said I'm still right. He'll know what I mean. Should you decide you want to share the information – and, I hope, wisdom – in the rest of the letters with Clark, Lucy or anyone else, you have my blessing. I am so grateful that we have become so much closer since the death of your parents and your marriage to Clark. I never wanted children after Joe, but I have treasured my time with Lucy and you and your dear husband. I love you, dear. Aunt Louise."
Tears ran down Lois' cheeks as she finished the letter. Clark moved to put his arms around her, pulling her to him. At first she just stood there, but after a few minutes, she wrapped her arms around him, loosely, but they were there.
The tears never turned to sobs and before long came to a complete stop. Lois stepped away from Clark and scrubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hand. "Um, it's getting late. I'm going to take a shower and get ready for bed, unless you want in the bathroom first."
"No, go ahead."
She nodded and went to her suitcase to get her things out and headed to the bathroom.
Clark guessed she'd probably be in there for a while. Unlimited hot water would be nice and she was sure to take a very long shower. He probably would too at some point.
But until then... He shifted the chair from the desk near the window and sat down, staring over the city as Lois had only a few minutes earlier. He rested his forearms on his knees and dropped his face into his hands. He stayed like that for long minutes before lifting his face enough to stare out the window. He cupped his chin in his hands as he heard the water turn on in the bathroom shower.
He wasn't just tired. He was weary. The next few days would be spent at a nice hotel with no schoolwork to do or newspapers to worry about writing for and no newspapers or pizzas to deliver. If it wasn't for the emotional trauma of losing Aunt Louise, it might actually be nice. The bulk of the heavy work would be left to him of course and he didn't mind. He could have most of Aunt Louise's things packed up pretty quickly. Lois and Lucy would have to decide what to keep and what to give away and what, if anything, to try to sell. Aunt Louise's car was coming back to Metropolis, though he wasn't sure how just yet. It was paid for – in fact, Aunt Louise was debt free, including both of the properties she owned – and they would get rid of the Datsun that was falling apart anyway. He spent half of the little free time he had working on the stupid thing. Lois and Lucy could share the new-to-them car as they had been the Honda, and the Honda would get passed back to him.
He didn't mind that particular unwritten law – the one that says the wife always gets the nicer car – at least not too much. The only reason he'd even remotely minded was that the Datsun was such a piece of junk, but he certainly didn't want Lois or Lucy driving it any more than strictly necessary. Maybe he could sell it to a salvage yard. He snorted. He'd be lucky if he didn't have to pay someone to take it off his hands. It was a full day's drive to Metropolis – a good 24-25 hours. Maybe he and Jimmy could do it this weekend. He was off from all of his jobs until Monday and Jim was off this weekend too. If they tag teamed, surely they could do it in one long stretch rather than stopping overnight somewhere. He didn't need much sleep and could do most of the driving.
However, he'd noticed that he needed more sleep these days than he used to. He'd never worked this hard, both mentally and physically. But on top of that, he didn't sleep as well either. Even though he knew he wouldn't 'ruin' anything by floating, he rarely slept deeply enough that he caught himself doing that anymore.
No, what kept him from sleeping well most nights, was the tossing and turning of his wife.
She had bad dreams – probably nightmares – nearly every night. He didn't think she knew that he would often hold her, kissing and stroking her hair, whispering that he was there and he wasn't leaving, until the dreams subsided and she settled back into an uneasy sleep. Some nights were worse than others and though only the worst of the dreams actually woke him up, he knew he didn't sleep as well as he would if she could sleep without whatever demons of her past coming to haunt her.
If only she'd talk to him. Or a counselor. Or someone. It couldn't be good for her to keep it all inside. Little by little he'd gleaned information from Aunt Louise, Lucy and Jimmy and even a few court records related to the separations, divorce and eventual remarriage of Sam and Ellen Lane. What he saw was a pattern of her parents – one or the other or both – leaving, over and over. She had nothing in her past that would show her that someone would actually stay. There were no reports of neglect or abandonment – at least not what the courts would consider neglect or abandonment – or abuse, but he was certain their home life as children had been far from the stable one he'd enjoyed before his parents died.
He was a bit surprised that Mayson had called him because of the missed lunch, because he wasn't *supposed* to have lunch with her – it was just something that usually *happened* as a consequence of having their last pre-lunch class together. At the same time, he knew he probably shouldn't have lunch with her several times a week. Even though they were always in public, usually accompanied by other students from whatever class they'd just finished – and there was nothing between them; at least on his side, and he didn't think on hers – it couldn't be good for his relationship with Lois to have a female friend that he saw regularly that she didn't know. But no matter who he at lunch with, if Lois wasn't there, Mayson was. He'd made it clear from the third day after they met, when he realized Mayson was interested, that he was *not*; that he was married and could be her friend and nothing else.
He knew she'd dated several guys since then – Dan from her Physics class almost immediately after he'd met her, Cory from their shared English Lit class last semester and Drew from... somewhere. He'd often eaten with Cory and Mayson during the three or so months they were dating and Cory knew that he'd had lunch with her on more than one occasion without him and didn't mind at all because he knew there was nothing to be worried about. Lois was always welcome to join them and he was sure she knew that.
That thought stopped him. Did she know that? They had lunch every Monday and she never failed to tell him what her plans for lunch for the rest of the week were – at least for the days they had the same break. This semester, she had a study group on Wednesdays and some kind of English thing on Fridays and they didn't have lunch at the same time on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so Monday was the only day they *could* eat together at the moment. Last semester, she'd had classes during his break every day but Monday. The semester before, she'd told him of study groups or meetings with this professor or that one. It wasn't a matter of her knowing she was welcome, she always was, but rather that it wasn't possible for her to join them most of the time. Did she know she could join them in the case of a sudden class cancellation or something of that nature?
Regardless, if nothing else, he needed to make more of an effort to spend more time with Lois as often as possible. He missed that and he didn't know how it would be possible, but he had to try. Or maybe dinner. Maybe he could bring her dinner on the nights that he wasn't working or at one of the papers. For now, though, their weekly lunches were on Mondays – ethnic day in the student union. The conversations over the last year or so had become less and less about anything substantial until they really didn't speak much at all outside of perfunctory inquiries about classes and jobs and even the weather – no matter how hard he'd tried to draw her out on other subjects.
Those were the kinds of conversations he should, and did, have with Mayson – if that much – not with his wife. She was decent company and they ended up with classes together – he wondered sometimes if that was by design – and that was about it. He was careful not to talk too much about himself or anything besides school with her. There was absolutely no reason for her to know the true state of his marriage or anything else about his life. Oh, she told him plenty – including, he noticed every once in a while, family law things she'd picked up from her dad about older kids in foster care, all of which seemed to insinuate that his marriage to Lois had been unnecessary. He wondered if by not talking about his marriage at all, she assumed he was unhappy. He was, but probably not in the ways she would believe.
He resolved in his mind that he would try to make more time with Lois, even if it was only two or three meals of any kind a week, and that the number of lunches he had with Mayson, even in the company of others, needed to dwindle to nearly nothing, even if it meant eating alone on top of a building somewhere. She was a nice girl, but she wasn't Lois – that's all it boiled down to. If by some twist of fate, the situation had been reversed and he'd ended up married to Mayson, he shouldn't have been spending time with Lois regularly either. He practically shuddered at the thought of meeting Lois for the first time after he'd already married someone else. *That* was a nightmare he was glad he didn't have to deal with.
He'd run into Joe and Les the other day, Lois' friends from high school. They had lunch at the same time he did. He'd enjoyed their conversation at prom and they'd been open to the idea of catching up over lunch some time. He'd have to make a point of doing that and if Mayson managed to track him down and join them, they still wouldn't be alone together in public but with people Lois knew and trusted.
The water in the other room stopped and he rubbed his hands over his face. He needed to be strong for Lois. He loved her more than anything, but what she needed right now wasn't for him to push, but rather for him to just be there; never leaving her, never running off and not coming home for any but the most dire of reasons. The words from Aunt Louise's letter came back to him – she was still right. She'd told him that it would probably take a very long time for Lois to come around and he was starting to despair that she ever would, but the wise woman still believed in them. It would be interesting to see what his letter said.
Lois stepped out of the bathroom. "Clark, I'm going to go next door and say good night to Lucy, okay?"
Clark nodded.
"The bathroom's all yours if you want it. I’m going to go to bed when I get back, so if you're not done, good night."
The implication was clear as she let herself out. She fully expected him to be in the bathroom when she came back and she'd climb into the bed alone, probably feigning sleep when he emerged.
Deciding quickly that his wife was more important than a long shower, he was in and out of the bathroom in about thirty seconds. His damp hair curled at the nape of his neck and he moved to the thermostat. It was probably more than a bit underhanded, but he turned the temperature down as far as it would go. If it was cold in their room, surely she'd stay closer to him and maybe he could stave off the nightmares just by being close to her.
*****
Lois opened the door to their room and wondered why there was no sound of running water. She'd been gone long enough for Clark to get in the shower. He would probably enjoy a long, hot shower as much as she had. She looked up from jiggling her key out of the lock and stopped short.
Clark was standing looking out the window, wearing only a pair of shorts. His hair and back were still damp. Damn him. He must have decided to take a fast shower and be waiting for her to come back. It had been a long time since she'd gotten a *really* good look at him without a shirt on. He'd really filled out over the last couple years, she noticed. He looked good. Really good.
She sighed. Of course he did. He had grown more handsome over the last couple of years too. It was no wonder Mayson was interested in him. There was probably a few dozen other women at school who were too. She was probably lucky that – according to newsroom scuttlebutt – he was only seen regularly with the blond wanna-be.
She shut the door behind her and tossed her key on the dresser. He turned to look at her. "Hey."
"You didn't have to take a fast shower. It's nice having as much hot water as you want."
He shrugged. "I know and I'm sure I will take a long shower or two before we go home, but I wanted to make sure you were really okay."
She sighed. "I'm fine, Clark. Do I miss Aunt Louise? Does it make me sad? Of course. Am I going to fall apart at any moment? No."
He smiled at her. She hated that smile. No, she didn't hate it. She loved it. But she hated it too. It used to be reserved only for her, but who knew how many women he used it on now?
"I didn't think you were going to fall apart, Lois. You're too strong for that, but that doesn't mean you don't need a shoulder to cry on every now and then."
She moved to her side of the bed. "Thank you for that vote of confidence." She pulled the covers back. His movements followed hers, but on the other side. Together they climbed in.
She tucked her feet under the sheets and pulled all of the covers up over her, preparing to cocoon herself in them, but Clark interrupted her.
"Come here, Lois."
She stopped, uncertain of what she wanted to do.
"Please." His voice was quiet. "We're both hurting. We both miss Aunt Louise. Please, just let me really hold you tonight."
She nodded and rolled towards him, settling her head on his shoulder, his arm wrapping around her, his hand stroking her hair. His other hand rested on her arm as it found its way across the top of his stomach. Her leg, completely of its own volition, crossed over onto his. He turned his head slightly and kissed her hairline.
"I've missed you, Lois," he said quietly. "It feels like we've spent more time together today than we have so far this year and I miss being with you, even if it's just doing homework next to each other. I miss eating lunch with you every day."
"We don't even have the same lunch break on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester and last semester the only day we did was Monday," she pointed out.
"I know, but I don't remember the last time we ate together more than once a week for lunch on Mondays."
"I know." She shrugged as well as she could. "We've both been busy and our schedules are so opposite..." His playing with her hair was distracting as was her arm across his stomach. She remembered distinctly her desire to run her hands over his abs the first time she woke up like this. But, though he'd been well built as an eighteen year old, he'd filled out in the right spots now that he was almost 21. His shoulders and chest were broader, his arms more muscular and his abs more well defined. The desire was still there, though tempered by the knowledge that at least one other woman often did the same thing.
Tears welled up her eyes. How could he lay there like there was nothing wrong? Was this what it was like for her mom in the early years? Did he think that she really didn't know what was going on? It was one thing for him to slide in behind her at night, wrapping one arm lightly around her, but here... And he wanted to talk too. He said he missed her. She almost snorted. Sure he did.
He'd said so many times before that he wanted to make love with her. Did he still want to do that? He'd said she was the only one for him. Did he still believe that and the dalliances with Mayson and whoever else was just a way to get that 'sexual release' he'd promised to never push her for?
She sighed.
"What is it?"
There was no way she was going to tell him what was really on her mind. "I just miss Aunt Louise. That's all." She hoped he bought it.
"I do, too." He kissed her head again.
They lay there like that for another long moment. "Clark," she started.
"Yes?"
"What did Aunt Louise mean when she said to tell you she was still right?"
He thought for a moment. She wasn't sure if he was trying to remember or come up with some sort of plausible lie.
"Just that someday we'd make it out of where we are now and move on to bigger and better things."
"Oh." She sighed again. "Good night, Clark." She hoped that would effectively end any conversation.
"Good night, Lois."
At least he could take a hint.
*****
Clark kept his arm around Lois, helping support her as they returned to the hotel after the funeral and graveside service.
He felt bad about lying to her the night before, but he wasn't about to tell her what Aunt Louise had said on their wedding night. She was skittish enough as it was without a declaration of love.
Jimmy and Lucy accompanied them to their rooms. The two couples had decided to rest for a bit and then go out for dinner. Aunt Louise wouldn't want them sitting around all somber for hours just because they felt some obligation to her to do so. After that, Clark would take Jimmy home before returning to Houston. Lois had every intention of being asleep by the time he got back.
Lois sighed as she sank onto the bed then flopped backwards. "I'm glad that's over. I mean, I'm not glad that she's gone, but I'm glad that we don't have to stand up in front of anyone anymore and pretend we're being all strong and stuff." Like one big happy, but mourning, family. Clark had touched her more in the last hour than he had in the last year – not counting falling asleep.
It brought a deluge of emotions. If she offered herself to him, right here, right now – or even later tonight – would he forget Mayson? Would he be faithful to her? She hated to admit it, but her lower back still tingled from where his hand had rested more than once today.
She just knew he was trying to worm his way in, past all of her defenses, though for what purpose, she wasn't sure. Having his cake and eating it too? She being the cake and Mayson the 'too' of course. She resolved to lock those doors even tighter. She couldn't handle being hurt like that. It would kill her.
*****
"Lois, we're almost done here."
Lois glanced up from where she was seated on the floor of Aunt Louise's den. "Good. I talked to the management office and said that we'd pick up the car on Friday and they said that would be fine. I also talked to the moving company Aunt Louise contracted with and set up a time for them to come finish up here."
"It was very thoughtful of her to make arrangements to have whatever we wanted shipped back to Metropolis and to have a storage unit paid for, for as long as we wanted."
"That's Aunt Louise for you," Lois said wryly.
Clark sat on the floor across from her. "You know, she was nothing like you described in your letters."
Lois sighed. "I know. I was always miserable when she was around. I think it was because I had made up my mind to be miserable. If I hadn't, maybe I would have had more than two years to get to really know her."
She looked around at the condo that had been her aunt's home for the last nearly 15 years. There was a pile of boxes and bags in one corner that the Salvation Army would be picking up. The living room furniture was much nicer than what they had now, but wouldn't work with their current floor plan. A note from Aunt Louise said as much but that she thought it'd work well in her brownstone if they decided to live there when the lease on it was up in a couple of years. They'd decided to hang on to them – at least for now. The pictures had been removed from the walls and the dishes and things they were going to keep were waiting to be packed by the movers.
"What else do we need to do here?"
Lois sighed. "I think we're just about done." She picked something up off of the floor next to her and held it out to him. "Here."
"What's this?" he asked as he took it from her.
"Your letter from Aunt Louise. I gave Lucy hers before you took her back to Metropolis."
Clark turned it over in his hands. "Have you read any of your other ones yet?"
Lois shook her head. "They're all just numbered. There was a note on top saying to read the first one and that it would tell me when to read the second one and so on. I guess it might say something like the next letter was for my 21st birthday or something, but I don't know." She thought for a minute. Clark's birthday was coming up. "Clark, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
Sure. He really meant that. 'So, Clark, how long, exactly, have you been sleeping with Mayson?' Lois shoved the thought out of her head. This week had been nice – just the two of them and sometimes Lucy – but they were heading back to the real world soon and she needed to steel herself for the cold reality that would slap her in the face when they returned to Metropolis.
"Did you ever go get your mom's letters from Colorado?"
He shook his head. "I didn't want to go back without you. If I had gone to get the letters, I thought the globe might say something and I didn't want to see another message without you with me. We've been so busy we haven't had a chance to go."
"Oh." She sat for a moment. "You know, you didn't have to wait for me. I would have understood if you wanted to go even though we couldn't go together."
"I know."
"Have you missed any of the letters from your mom?"
He shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Really? The last one was what – two years ago?"
He nodded. "A little over. I think it was probably supposed to be longer than that though. I think she thought that I'd go from the first day of college letter straight to the 21st birthday letter. She had no clue that I'd read the engagement and wedding ones on the same day when I was eighteen."
"You better go soon, if you want to get them before your birthday."
"Yeah." He stared at the floor in front of him. "I still don't want to go without you, though."
"When are we going to have time to go before your birthday? It's only two weeks away."
He continued to stare at the floor in front of him. "What about tonight?"
*****
TBC
