Hey guys! End of last week was good. It helped that I finally connected with some of the stuff previously written!! Of course, now I have some space to fill before I hit another already written section... but we're getting there
. I think we're looking at about 60 chapters all together, but not sure yet [I'm working on 41 right now, have another 8 or so written already and am guessing about another 10 to go].
This section contains Clark's conversation with Perry. I'm afraid that some of it may be a bit redundant, but I couldn't find a way to get the bits that I really wanted in there without shortening it so if it's a bit slow or kind of repetitive, I apologize.
Thanks, as always, to Alisha, Beth, Nancy and CarolynK for their insight and encouragement! You guys rock!
Edit: If anyone does want to see the text deleted from Ch. 33, knowing that it won't be included in the archive version and I don't feel the need to create an nfic version, you're welcome to email or PM me.
*****
Chapter 34
*****
Clark held Lois as close as she would let him as they moved around the dance floor. He'd heard what Julie said, and Lois' responses, and made sure that their new friends were the only other people they danced with. Vincent Winninger had stayed far away from Lois while he'd visited the men's room, but he'd been asked by two women while Lois was in the restroom and had politely turned them down. He was surprised by the magnanimity Lois had shown towards Mayson in the conversation.
He knew she didn't hate Mayson like she had for so long, but to actually say that she was a good person – something he'd believed, except for that 'one thing' – that surprised him.
"Are you sad we're almost done here or ready to get your feet back on dry land?" he finally asked her.
She shrugged. "A little of both, I guess. It's been nice, but it'll be nicer not to live in a floating hotel room anymore."
"And to get fed regularly by YaYa?"
They laughed together. "That too. I am looking forward to getting to learn Athens and then finding little family restaurants and taking day trips and stuff like that."
"Me too."
"I think I'm going to miss Don and Julie though," she said quietly.
"Well, we can write – we've already exchanged addresses," he pointed out. "We have email and they said that their school library had email access for teachers so we can try to keep in touch that way. And we can always take a trip to Canada and get paid for it."
Lois smiled at him. "That is where that water park is, isn't it?"
"Yep."
"Canada it is then, at some point."
*****
After hugs all around, Clark and Lois waved good-bye to Don and Julie at the airport in Athens and headed to their new home in Athens.
They spent the remainder of that day – and there was a good portion of it left – and most of the next unpacking and settling in to their new apartment, as well as getting to know their new Greek family.
Clark had spoken to Perry again and confirmed their 'phone call' for about 5 that evening – Metropolis time and so, at midnight in Greece, he asked Lois again if she was really sure. She'd told him to go, and he did.
After landing faster than the eye could see in the backyard of Perry and Alice White's home, he paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
How did one tell a mentor and friend that so much of what he'd believed about them wasn't entirely accurate? And because of that inaccuracy, much of what had happened two months prior was much worse than previously believed? And it was already pretty bad.
Clark knocked softly on the back door and it was opened a few seconds later by the mentor he'd come to see.
"Clark! I'm glad you're here, son. Come on in." Perry motioned Clark towards the living room. "Alice thought you might be more comfortable if she wasn't here. Not sure what it is, exactly, that you want to talk about, but it seems big if you're coming all this way. And since Lois wasn't coming with you, she figured it might be a guy bonding thing."
Clark smiled slightly at him and walked to the front window to stare out at the street. "I guess it is pretty big," he admitted. "And it's probably going to be uncomfortable enough without her here, to be honest."
Perry sat in his favorite chair and stretched his legs out on the ottoman. "Well, you wouldn't fly here from Greece if it wasn't important. But I'm guessing you're not quite ready to get into it yet, so I'll start with something else. The stuff you two have been sending is top notch."
"Thanks, Perry."
"I kept a copy of last week's travel section and have one of tomorrow's already so you can take it back with you. I didn't get any of the copy in last week's, but there is a good picture of you two with the ad. Tomorrow's has some teaser copy and a couple of the pictures you overnighted a few days ago."
Clark nodded. "Thanks. Lois'll want to see it. I was hoping I could at least pick up last week's while I was here." He pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. "Here's the final copy for next week – unless you want us to change something, of course. You'll either send us a copy or save us one right?"
Perry laughed. "Son, I'll have a few dozen waiting for you, but you'll get one anyway. Even if you have to fly back to get it, won't you?"
Clark nodded again, still staring out the window, wondering desperately how to start this conversation. Finally, he just blurted it out. "We've been married for three and a half years, Perry, and I've never made love to my wife." His head hung and his eyes were closed as he waited to see what the editor's response would be.
"Well," Perry said slowly. "I'm not quite sure what I expected you to want to talk about, but that sure wasn't it. You wanna back that train up a bit and start at the beginning?"
He shoved his hands in his pockets and his head rose slightly to stare out the window again. "I was fourteen the first time I saw Lois. I ran into her, or she ran into me, I don't really remember which – and given my memory, that's saying something. I was stunned. And in that instant, I knew that somehow, our lives were destined to be intertwined. My mom said that it was part of the telepathic part of my Kryptonian heritage – that Kryptonians just *know* when they meet their soul mate. And I knew. We spent the next six weeks making fun of mystery meat and planning our first big story in the Daily Planet.
"After we'd been there about a month, she got a letter from Lucy saying that Sam had moved out and the night before we left, I kissed her."
"Ah," Perry said, as though a light had come on. "That's what she meant when she and Lana had it out."
Clark nodded. "We wrote letters. Weekly, sometimes more. She wrote eighteen pages, front and back, about her first trip to the Daily Planet. Even mentioned the editor a time or two."
Perry snorted. "I bet she did."
"She thought Billy Norcross was cute."
"Most girls did."
"I guess. And then, after I graduated, I moved back into my parents' farmhouse and sent her my phone number and said that if she ever wanted to talk, to call me. One night she did. Sam and Ellen had left to go skiing and never came home. I got on an airplane - yeah, me... on an airplane voluntarily - and came to Metropolis. She thought were going to either put them in foster care or send them to live with Aunt Louise. At the time, Lois thought she was this horrid old woman who hated children. Neither choice was a good one. New Troy law says you can get married at seventeen, you know, and her birthday was a couple of days later. I asked her to marry me and said that we'd try to get custody of Lucy. The official story was that our plan had always been to get married and the death of their parents had just moved things up a bit.
"The truth is, we'd joked about it a bit in our letters. When Norcross and Judd got married, I promised not to propose until after the first Pulitzer and she responded by saying no kids until after the second, but in a very lighthearted, joking manner at best. Before she said 'yes' that night, she told me that she wasn't ready for a physical relationship and I promised her I'd never push her for that. I meant it and I haven't. We got married a few days later and Aunt Louise sent us to the Lexor for the week. On our wedding night, we fell asleep watching a movie and woke up making out. When we realized what was happening, it stopped and that's the last time I kissed her.
"You know what those years were like for us. Never seeing each other, stressed about money and trying to make ends meet. Trying to raise Lucy - who wasn't all that easy to deal with until she started dating Jimmy. To this day, I think he said something to her - I have no idea what - that made her reevaluate things."
Clark moved from the window and flopped down in the oversized chaise he and Lois had shared on more than one occasion. "Do you know much about what life was like in the Lane house?"
"A little. Sam liked women. Ellen liked alcohol. But beyond that..." Perry shrugged.
"They were never physically abused, but starting about the time Lois was five or six, they'd be left alone all day some days. When they were teens, they'd sometimes go several days without knowing where their parents were. It was better once they remarried but... I knew some of this from things Lucy or Jimmy or Louise said, but it wasn't until the last few weeks that Lois has finally started to confide in me what life was like. The two most important people in her world left her. Repeatedly. Yeah, they always came back - except the last time - but that wasn't the point. It wasn't like leaving a child at daycare and coming back to pick him up. It was promising to be places and being with a girlfriend instead. It was promising to do something but being passed out drunk was more important. It was leaving a five year old for hours to take care of her three year old sister and then going ballistic when she used the good towels to clean up the spilled milk. Somebody or something was always more important than they were. Except Lucy. Nothing was ever more important to Lois than Lucy."
He ran hand through his hair. "She couldn't believe that I wasn't going to leave her someday. Sam Lane made it very easy for her to believe that no man would ever be - *could* ever be - faithful. Did you know his wedding vows didn't say anything about fidelity?"
Perry shook his head.
"Ellen didn't make things any better, telling Lois that whenever she got married, her body became her husband's. Period. But that her husband would be able to sleep with whoever he wanted. I think she was twelve or thirteen when that conversation took place. We just sort of stopped talking sometime that first summer and that didn't help matters any.
"Then I met Mayson. She was this nice girl who needed some help with Political Science. That's it. I invited her to lunch with me and Lois that day but... Lois saw us, from a distance, and apparently thought that she was flirting with me - which, given what I know now, she probably was - and that I was flirting back - which I certainly wasn't. What Lois saw was me, with another woman, and no different from her dad."
Perry whistled softly. "Some things are starting to make some more sense."
Clark nodded. "It's why she never tried to get our schedules changed so we worked together more. She always said that she didn't want to rock the boat - she just wanted to graduate. Our conversations rarely involved more than the monthly budget or Lucy's curfew or who was taking what car when and where. And maybe the weather. There was never anything between me and Mayson. We were never alone together. We had lunch a lot, sure, but almost always with other people. But Paul..." Clark shook his head in disgust.
"He made sure the rumor went around the newsroom that I was having an affair. I never heard it but Lois did. She actually threw up when she realized that I had a girlfriend. Well, when she became convinced that I did. I didn't. I've never really had a girlfriend, ever. I dated Lana like three times and I've never dated Lois at all. We went from pen pals to engaged over a 24 hour period and married a few days after that."
"Uh, Clark," Perry interjected. "I probably should have asked this a while ago, but is Lois okay with you telling me all of this?"
Clark sighed. "No, she's not." At Perry's startled look, he continued. "But she told me to anyway. We had a long talk sitting in the harbor at Istanbul and she realized that I need someone I can talk to about all of this. She said that even though it made her uncomfortable, she understood that and if you knew all of it I could talk to you - I could tell you how the whole thing with Paul really makes me feel, because she knows I don't want to tell her."
Perry whistled again as the pieces fell in place. "You and Lois have never been together, but Paul..." His voice trailed off.
"You got it." He stood and started pacing. "The first time... The only time I've ever seen my wife's body was when he was about to rape her. I've never *really* kissed her. I've never touched her. I've never taken her clothes off as we get ready to... But *he* has. He *did*."
He took a ragged breath, before practically exploding. "Damn it, he took that from me! From us. If it had happened before we got married, like Wayne and Maggie, that would have been one thing. If it had happened after we'd been together like that, it still wouldn't be pleasant to know that someone else had done things to her. But for him to do those things to her... Not with her, mind you, but to her, before I did them *with* her... Her first experience with a man taking her clothes off... Her first experience with a man touching her... and it's him. I'm not saying it would have been easy whenever it happened, but even though we've been married for as long as we have, the only memories she has of a man is of *him*."
He started pacing the walls and the ceiling, not noticing Perry's startled look when he did so. "I almost wish we'd gotten carried away on our wedding night, and even if she'd said afterwards that it was awkward and painful or even if it wasn't, but for some other reason, that it never should have happened and it couldn't happen again until the time was right, at least he wouldn't have been the first one. He wouldn't be the reason I've seen her."
He worked his way around the ceiling fan. "Do you have any idea how many times I've had to stop myself from focusing on that part of that night? The part where I see her? And how incredibly wrong it feels? I *should* be able to close my eyes and see her, because I know her so well after this long. I *shouldn't* feel guilty when I'm lying in bed, just waking up, and see her in her pajamas, leaning on the rail of our balcony looking out over the Aegean Sea and imagining her standing there wearing one of my dress shirts instead. I *should* have memories of a night or a day or a whenever when she finally decided that she was ready to be together and together we discovered each other." He narrowly avoided stepping on the smoke detector and turned back towards the front of the house. "And I *really* shouldn't be on a first name basis with a number of Orcas in the North Atlantic because of all the times a cold shower just wouldn't cut it."
He took a deep breath and turned to look at an upside-down Perry. He continued more calmly. "I was going to take her out on a real date the night after graduation. I'd been saving up for it for years - since prom, really. I was hoping I'd have enough to get us both some new clothes and go somewhere nice and not that taco stand we went to for our last anniversary. And if I thought she'd let me, if I thought she wanted me to, I was going to kiss her, but that's it and turn and walk away. No pressure. Not until she's ready. But I was going to court her. And even though I would have blown every last dime I had on that first dinner, I would have asked her out again. Maybe a homemade dinner on our own private beach somewhere. And I would have asked her out again, and again, until we were finally a real couple.
"She told me she would have liked that and she wants me to ask her out sometime, but not for a long time. She told me she wants to want us to be together like that, but she can't - not right now. She told me she doesn't want to remember what it's like to have another man do those things to her but she has no idea when she'll be ready to let me try to erase those memories - or at least override them with new, better ones. And I understand that, I do, but I really hate him. I hate what he did to her. I hate what he did to us. I hate that he stole so much from us, more than he ever could have imagined. And I hate what it's done to her. She wakes up screaming a couple of times a week. She says she has nightmares the other nights, but not bad enough to wake me up. She has for years. Dreams of Sam and Ellen and the life that they had. I have no idea when the last truly good night's sleep was for her."
He floated back down to the chaise. "I love her, Perry. And I don't know how to make this better. And I hate him for it."
Perry leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, clasping his hands together. "I can't say that I blame you. I knew things had been rough for the girls growing up and that things certainly hadn't been easy for the two of you but... I never suspected."
He shrugged. "There was never any reason for you to. We've wondered if Lucy ever suspected anything but we've never asked her and we're not about to."
"It does make what happened so much worse in some ways, doesn't it?"
Clark nodded. "Not that it would ever be pleasant or easy or anything but..."
"Right." They sat for a few minutes, each in their own thoughts. "What can I do to help you, son?"
The younger man shrugged. "Nothing really. Just having someone to vent to has helped some already. I haven't been able to tell anyone any of that. I mean, about me and Lois. I don't feel like I can tell her how angry it makes me that he's taken that from us. I have no idea how long it's going to be before she's ready to be with me like that and to tell her how strongly that's affected me..." Clark sat back and sighed. "She asked me the other night about whether I think about what I saw and I told her the truth. I think it bothers her that I think about it sometimes - even if I try not to - because it violates her all over again because, even though her I'm her husband, I'm not supposed to see her that way."
Perry let out a deep breath. "I can't imagine what you're going through. Heaven forbid something like that ever happened to Alice... At least she'd have years of good memories to combat the bad."
"Exactly. And Lois doesn't have that."
"I'm sorry, son. I wish I knew what I could do to make things easier for the two of you."
Clark gave him a half smile. "You're doing it. You helped make it possible for us to get away from here - just the two of us. The cruise was great. The last time we spent that much time together - just us - was our honeymoon. And before that camp. Yeah, we've spent a lot more time together since it happened, but a lot of that was working or with someone else around. It's been good for us. She finally asked me about some things that had been bothering her - some for years - and we were able to really talk. Did you know she thought I would leave her here with you, the editor of the most prestigious paper on the planet, if you didn't give me your word that you wouldn't print what you found out about me?"
"When I caught you building the fire?"
Clark nodded. "She asked me about it after Aunt Louise died, and I told her if you hadn't promised I would have just left. She thought I meant I would leave her here. I always meant I'd tell her we needed to go and I'd explain later. She really believed I would have left her here - with you - after you saw that and I refused to explain. She wouldn't have stood a chance if you really wanted to know something."
Perry chuckled. "Probably not, but there was a few minutes there when I was trying to decide what to do. And you know what I thought about?"
The younger man shook his head.
"How the moment I met her, she was like the daughter I never had. I love Lucy, you know that, and I feel that way about her too. I liked her immediately, but I didn't have the instantaneous connection like I did with Lois. Same with you being like a son. And when I thought about it, I realized that if I said no, you'd both be out of our lives for good and I didn't see how I could let that happen. And you seemed like a good kid and I couldn't believe that you'd ask something like that lightly."
"I wouldn't."
"I understand now, of course, why you wanted me to promise not to print, but I still can't believe Lois thought you'd just leave her here."
"It's what her parents - the people who were supposed to love her more than anything - always did, why would I be any different?"
"She doesn't really understand what it means to love, does she?"
Clark shook his head. "No. She understands what it means to love. On some level, she loves me. She wasn't ever planning on leaving me even though she 'knew' I was having an affair. But really, she loves Lucy. She never left Lucy. She married me, even though we hadn't seen each other in years. We'd written, but never spoken. In theory, I could have been an ax murderer good at hiding things with words. Or it's possible that, no matter what I'd told her, I would expect sex - because we were married, or as... some sort of 'payment' or 'gesture of appreciation' for working hard or who knows what. Even if I never actually forced her, I certainly *could* have pressured her or made her feel guilty about it, things like that that would have made her feel like she couldn't refuse. But for some reason, she decided that a home for Lucy was more important than the risks she took marrying me. She knows what it means to love. What she doesn't understand is what it means to *be* loved."
Perry thought about that for a minute. "That's an interesting twist on it, isn't it?"
"Lucy loves her, of course, but a younger sister isn't the same. Neither was Aunt Louise. Sam and Ellen should have loved them more than other women or than liquor, but they didn't. I do love her more than anything, even if I'm not all that great at showing it sometimes, but she doesn't know how to accept that, how to deal with it. It's just not something that she understands. I realized that, to an extent, a long time ago. That the only way I could convince her I was never going to leave, was to just not leave. Words could never do it; her parents made promises and broke them over and over again so words mean nothing to her - promises like that mean nothing to her. The only things she understands are actions and by staying, I'm not going. By staying, I prove I will stay. Words just aren't enough."
"Words do mean something though, Clark. When they come from the heart, they do mean something. You can't just tell her, but you also can't *just* show her. She needs to hear it to."
Clark nodded. "We figured it out - she's a quality time girl and words of affirmation are a pretty close second. She needs time more than anything - just being there - but she needs to hear that I love her, that she's done a great job, those kinds of things."
"And you're personal touch, aren't you?"
"Yeah. And most of the time she's pretty good about that, these days anyway. Knowing all that, it makes sense that she hasn't felt very loved over the last few years. We hadn't had any time together at all. And, really, even though it's not her primary, or even secondary, love language, she needs to feel safe. And she feels safe with me most of the time. The only thing that keeps her nightmares away is if I'm holding her, so that must mean something. Even before... the nightmares about growing up... being close to her seemed to help."
"I'd guess that maybe, subconsciously at least, she knows that you love her and that you're not going anywhere."
Clark sighed. "We had that discussion again the other night. Most of the time, I'm fine, really. It's not like I walk around all day every day thinking about being with her, but sometimes... One day on the ship was like that. I don't even know what brought it on. It wasn't like I accidentally walked in on her changing or something, but for whatever reason... I woke up thinking about what we're missing out on and it just got worse from there. First time I'd seen her in a swim suit in years," he said ruefully. "And I couldn't even go visit my whale buddies because how on earth would I explain that on a cruise ship? She went to bed before me and when I finally went in, she called me on my odd behavior that day. The first conclusion she'd jumped to was that she'd done something or hurt me somehow, and a close second was that I'd met someone else. She finally admitted, that way deep down inside somewhere, she knows I'm not going to leave her."
"That's progress, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah. We talked a lot that night. She asked me how I was doing and what I told her - even though I tried to keep my emotions under wraps - is why I'm here; why she said it was okay." He glanced at the clock and sighed. "I really should be getting back though. I would really hate for her to have a nightmare and not be there. It's late in Greece."
They both stood and walked towards the back door.
"I wish I could do more, Clark." Perry clapped him on the shoulder, then pulled him in for a bear hug, leaving an arm around his shoulder when he released the younger man.
"You've done plenty. Just being here, letting me vent... it's been a big help. Like a burden's been lifted."
"Well, I'm glad." Perry was thoughtful as they walked outside to stare at the darkening sky. "You know, Clark. What happened to her was awful, don't misunderstand, but it's not the same. When you two are finally together, you'll see that. Sure, she might have flashbacks from time to time, but the two of you being together like that is probably just about as far from what happened in that conference room as two things can be. The difference between being kissed and touched and such while being raped and being kissed and touched while making love with your husband or wife are two very different things. Remember that."
Clark nodded. It was another minute before he spoke again. "We know you might not want to keep this from Alice."
Perry nodded slowly. "I can't say that this hasn't been a bit of a surprise and that is what I'd normally do, but if you don't want me to break your confidence..."
Clark shook his head. "I mentioned it to Lois and she said it wouldn't be fair to ask you not to say anything. So if you want to tell her, it's okay."
Perry nodded again.
They exchanged a few more words, discussing the upcoming article series and the next planned trip to Metropolis before Clark took to the air for his wife and his new home.
*****
Clark let himself in as quietly as he could, not wanting to bother Lois if she was already asleep, but not wanting to peek just in case he might see something he shouldn't.
He needn't have worried. She was dressed in pajamas, curled up on the couch reading a book. Or trying to anyway. Somehow he got the impression she hadn't actually retained much of it.
"Hey. I didn't think you'd stay up," he said toeing his shoes off at the door.
She shrugged. "Couldn’t sleep and you weren't gone all that long. We don't have anywhere to be tomorrow either so..." She stuck her bookmark in the book and closed it. "How's Perry?"
Clark grinned, handing over the travel inserts. "He sent these. Said he's going to keep a few dozen of next week's for us."
Lois smiled. "That's nice of him." She looked at the picture of the two of them in the corner of the front page. Most of it was taken up with a picture of one of the ski resorts in Northern New Troy that was used for hiking trails in the summer, but inset on the bottom right, was a picture of them taken by Jimmy a couple weeks earlier at Perry's house. Clark was standing behind her with his arms around her and they were both smiling. "In two weeks... Travel the Planet with Lane and Kent," she read. "It's a good picture of you."
"Then it's a good picture of both of us. You look great."
She set it aside and picked up the other one. The picture this time was one of the two of them taken by Julie. Dressed casually, they stood next to the rail on board the ship. Once again, Clark was behind her, with one hand on the rail and the other around her holding her close to him. His smile was nearly blinding and they looked for all the world like a happy couple with no problems in the world. She gazed at it for a minute then flipped it open to the page indicated. There she found a couple more pictures taken over the previous week and the teaser article they'd written the week before. "This is great." She smiled up at him. "Not bad for a start."
"Nope. Perry's happy with it and I gave him the finished piece. He was glad he wasn't going to have get Jimmy to pull it off his email for him."
Lois looked back at a picture of the two of them on Mykonos and her finger played with the corner of the page. "What else did he say?" she asked quietly.
Clark shifted slightly in the chair. "Well... he was surprised, but we figured he would be. I told him pretty much everything and he let me vent some." He sighed. "Thank you for letting me. I really had no idea how badly I needed to do that."
"Then I'm glad."
He chuckled softly. "I don't think he expected me to start pacing the ceiling though."
Lois gave him a puzzled look.
He shrugged. "The floor gets too confining sometimes – too much to walk around. On the ceiling the only things I had to avoid was the fan and the smoke detector."
"Sometimes, your life is so weird." She punctuated the remark with a yawn.
"I think it's time for you to get some sleep." He stood and held a hand out to her, pulling her up when she grasped it. He pulled her into an embrace for a few minutes before dropping a kiss on her hair. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. I wish you didn't need to vent about all of that but..."
"It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is. If we had... if we did... those things you wouldn't need to vent about it and you would have been able to talk to Perry or Wayne or whoever more freely without worrying about betraying my confidence."
He put a finger under her chin and tipped it up. "No. It's not your fault. If it wasn't for him, there wouldn't be anything to talk about."
"Aren't you... frustrated? I mean, we've been out of school for over a month now..."
"And we would have been dating for a month now?"
She nodded.
"And it's possible that we would have by now?"
She nodded again, biting her lip as she did so.
"You know I was never going to push you for that, even once we were able to spend more time together and go on dates and such."
"I know, but it's still possible..." She turned her face away from him.
"Yeah, it is, but things change. We can't change what's happened, we can only go forward. And I love almost every minute I spend with you, no matter what we're doing."
"Almost?"
He grinned. "Well, not if you're beating me at poker. That I don't always enjoy."
She laughed. "Too bad. I'm not going to throw the game just so you can enjoy it."
"I'd never ask you to."
"Good." She pulled away from him, yawning as she did so. "But you're right about me needing some sleep."
He tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'm going to take a shower and I'll be right in."
She nodded and headed for bed.
*****
TBC
