Thanks again to my fabulous BRs for their help with this.
PART EIGHTEEN
*~Ellie~*
***
I threw my backpack on the floor as I slammed the door to my room shut. The signed poster from that one concert we had gone to was stuck to the back of the door. I tore it down and started ripping it up into little tiny pieces. It was garbage just like this whole stupid garbage day and the stupid garbage relationship.
All I wanted to do was fly up in space and kick twelve billion asteroids around until nothing stood in my way any more. But it was still *six months* until Dad would let me come out officially, and I knew that kicking around a bunch of space junk would draw too much attention. Dad would find out find out and want to know what was going on, and I just didn’t want to deal with any of that right now.
So instead I stalked around my room searching for something else to destroy. The picture of us I kept on my desk. It was from some faculty function, and Arty was holding my hand as we sat at the table. Stupid picture. Stupid Arty. Why did he have to make me feel so happy only to completely ruin everything?
The picture disappeared in my hands with a satisfying crunch.
“Ellie?”
I quickly spun around, hiding the mangled picture frame behind my back. Hannah stood in the doorway with a concerned expression on her face.
“What happened?” she asked, taking in the scraps of paper from the poster that were sprinkled all over the floor. I had been so upset I didn’t even notice her come in.
“Arty…” I could hardly for the words around the huge tears that were now pouring down my face. “He... He broke up with me!” I finally sobbed.
“Oh, Ellie.” She moved into my bedroom and came to give me a hug. I barely had enough presence of mind to dump the broken frame in the garbage behind me before I accepted her hug.
“He came to see me after I was finished work for the day,” I told her in a shaking voice. “And then… And then he said… That he was really busy with summer classes and work and that things were going to pick up next year… And he didn’t even come out and say it, but I knew all along that he just doesn’t want to see me anymore!”
“Shhh...” she soothed. “He’s a jerk, you know that, right? Always has been.”
“Well, yeah,” I hiccupped. “But I thought he was my jerk.”
“I’m so sorry, Ellie,” Hannah told me sympathetically. “Look, how about we cancel on Sam and all the rest tonight? They’ll understand. We’ll eat some ice cream and watch really cheesy old movies all night. Sound good to you?”
“You’re a really great friend, Hannah,” I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. “You know that, right?”
“Thanks. You’re still sure you want to move out of the apartment at the end of the summer?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” Although having Hannah as a roommate had been fun, I needed to live on my own if I was to help out around Metropolis as Nebula. I would need the privacy. “But you and Sam will have fun together, won’t you?” I asked.
“It’s impossible to not have fun around Sam,” Hannah replied. “How about I call her now and explain why we’re not going to meet them, and you come on down when you’re ready for those movies, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied. Hannah had also realized that I still wanted some alone time.
She was right, really, I reflected after she had left. Arty was a huge jerk. He was always cancelling dates, or cutting them short. And he was *so* competitive! He would always check his mark against mine, and he’d get so upset if I had gotten better. He had almost no sense of humor, and he didn’t get along well with any of my friends, or even my family. There was a million things about him that I didn’t like.
But the thing I hated the most about him was how even though he was a stupid *stupid* jerk of a boyfriend, I was still crying in the middle of my trashed room because he had broken up with me.
***
* * *
It was a mugging that I ran off to. I finished up as quickly as possible, and made my way over to Jay’s. I was dreading this talk, although I knew it was long overdue. I just wasn’t sure what he would say.
Jay had made quite a few improvements to his apartment over the last few weeks. Before, there had been just a sofa, lamp, and TV in the living room, but now there were several other pieces of furniture, and he had even hung up a few pictures as well. The James Bond poster I had given him for his birthday was prominently displayed, and I smiled at the sight as I settled down on the sofa. This was a guy who didn’t mind someone having a little fun at his own expense. Surely someone like this wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend who stopped trucks in her spare time, right?
But everyone had limits, and maybe truck-stopping was his.
I heard Jay coming up the hall, and my heart rate picked up. This was it. His key rattled in the lock, and I saw the bolt being drawn back. Coming in the door, he stopped briefly, as if surprised to see me here. Well, maybe I shouldn’t have let myself into his place, but he did leave the balcony unlocked, after all.
“Hey,” he said, his breathing a little heavy.
“Hey,” I replied in a subdued tone.
“Okay, Ellie,” he began before I could work up the courage to say anything else. “Let me go first.” He threw off his gym bag and dumped his keys. “I don’t know how you got this idea or why you thought that it was true, but I don’t resent your role as Nebula, and the last thing I want you to do is stop or anything. I completely support you in that.”
“Really?” I asked in relief.
“Yeah, really. I don’t know why you thought any different.”
“I was just…” I frowned, thinking back to how I had picked up that assumption. “Jay, I’ve seen the way you’ve looked at me sometimes when I’ve had to run off. It’s like…” I searched for the right way to put it. “It’s like you don’t want me to go or you resent me for having to leave you.”
“Like… I dislike the fact you have to run off and leave me alone,” Jay completed.
“Exactly,” I whispered. If he finished my thought pattern, did that mean there was some truth to it?
Jay gave a huge sigh, and scrubbed his hands through his hair. He sank into an armchair across from me, and hung his head down. Finally, he looked up at me again.
“Ellie, I’m so sorry,” he said sincerely. “I had no intention of making you feel like that. Up until recently… Well, let’s just say that I’ve been in kind of a bad place. I was so used to doing all these big important things for the NIA, and to see other people run off while I was stuck at home doing nothing was just… Well, it was really hard for me. And I guess I did kind of resent you for having what I didn’t.
“But I’m in a much better frame of mind, Ellie, I swear. I have a job that I love, and that I think is extremely important. And I’ve learned that I don’t need to always be running off somewhere to make a difference. Does that help at all?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I replied.
“And all this time, I thought I was doing a good job hiding my feelings,” he said ruefully.
“Well, maybe that means you shouldn’t try to,” I suggested gently.
“Smart aleck,” he shot back, although he smiled, so I knew he wasn’t offended. “Look, Ellie, I can’t promise to always respond in the most gracious manner if you get called away when we’re in the middle of something. But I do promise you that I recognize the importance of what you do, and I don’t want you to ignore your responsibilities.”
“Okay.” That was something I was comfortable with. It would be unrealistic for me to expect him to always be happy that I had to leave unexpectedly. I even got frustrated sometimes.
“Now, is there anything else along those lines you wanted to talk about?”
My silence probably spoke louder than anything I could’ve said.
“Hey, remember our pact?” Jay prodded. “We’re going to be honest and open with each other. If something’s bothering you, I want to hear it.”
“You can be a real pain, Jay,” I grumbled.
“Yeah, I know. So let’s hear it.”
“Okay. It’s just… You always seem to tease me about being Nebula. You rented that stupid movie last week, and you bought my biography, and who can forget that stupid Halloween costume.” I rolled my eyes at the memory.
“Does that really bother you?” Jay asked, seeming a little surprised. “I had no idea.”
“Well, no, it doesn’t,” I replied. “But I know you tend to make jokes about things if you get uncomfortable with the situation. And I can’t help wondering if this is one of those situations that make you uncomfortable.”
“No, of course not, Ellie,” he said fervently. “It’s about as far from that as possible.” He paused to think. “I guess the reason why I tease you about it so much is because… well, I get a kick out of it. Thinking of you doing that kind of thing. Flying around and saving people and… I don’t know, whatever else you do as a superhero. And your whole family’s in on it, too. It’s a pretty cool thing, Ellie.”
“Oh,” I said, not really knowing how else to respond. His response had been the exact opposite of what I was expecting.
“And plus, it’s fun to get a rise out of you, and that’s a guaranteed hot button,” he grinned.
“Gee, thanks,” I replied sarcastically.
“But I am serious, though,” he told me. “There’s no way I think that what you’re doing as Nebula is bad or irritating or anything like that.”
“Even though it is a little weird?” I asked timidly.
“What do you mean by weird?” he asked me.
“Jay, I know you’re not a chauvinist or anything,” I began stumblingly. “But you have to admit that I’m… less than conventional. In a few areas, I guess. I mean, there’s the whole secret identity thing, and the costume and everything, but as far as physical differences… Well, it makes a difference, I know. And you haven’t said anything about it, but then again maybe you’ve just been keeping any feelings trapped inside because you’re uncomfortable-”
“Or maybe,” Jay interrupted. “I haven’t said anything because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Jay, I’m stronger than you,” I finally said. “A lot stronger. And I can do a bunch of things that you can’t do. I mean the flying is an obvious one but there’s all the hearing and the seeing stuff. Plus a few other things.”
“I know all that,” he replied. “I read your biography, remember?”
“Jay…”
“I know, I know. You want a serious answer. Ellie, I know all that stuff. I’m well aware. But as for thinking that it bothers me… Well, that’s crazy. Why on earth would it bother me? Those are amazing talents that you’ve been given, and you should never feel ashamed of them.”
“It’s just that usually, the guy’s the one who-”
“Ellie, have I ever pulled any of that alpha male crap on you?”
“No,” I replied.
“And I’m not about to. Look, I’ve worked with Kaylie on a lot of missions, right?”
“Yeah…”
“We were always taught to work as a team,” he said. “Now granted, I am physically stronger than she is, but there’s a ton of things that Kaylie is better at than me. And I knew when to let her take charge of something.”
But I still wasn’t convinced. “So you’re saying it wouldn’t bother you at all to have to let me do something that you can’t?”
“No, it wouldn’t.”
“But Jay, I know that you’re an independent kind of guy. Sure, you may be used to working with Kaylie, but that’s completely different than living with someone and letting them do some things day in and day out. I know it would bother you to have to sit back and let me take control.”
He was silent for a moment.
“Well, I could maybe see it bothering me in some circumstances,” he finally admitted.
“Oh,” I replied, my heart feeling heavy.
“But just let me finish, okay? It would bother me if you were always doing things that I could do myself. Let’s say we were… I don’t know, moving around furniture.” He gestured to the new furniture that was in his apartment. “Now, this sofa that you’re sitting on is a little big and awkward for me to move around by myself. Having you help with it, or even if you wanted to move the whole thing yourself, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. But take this coffee table.” He lightly kicked the leg of the table in question. “I could lift this thing by myself easily and move it wherever I wanted to. If you were to jump in and insist on moving it, then I could see myself resenting that.”
“So how do I tell the difference between a sofa and a coffee table?”
“We’ll figure it out as we go,” Jay shrugged. “We haven’t had a problem yet. And yeah, some of that might be because you’ve been consciously holding back, but as long as we try to communicate, we’ll work it out.”
“Okay,” I agreed cautiously. “So you’ll be sure to tell me if I’m stepping on your toes or anything? Because I can always hold back.”
“Ellie, I don’t want you to be any less than what you are,” he told me.
“Okay,” I said with more confidence.
“But Elle, you have to do something for me, okay?”
“What?”
“You need to stop jumping to conclusions about what I’m thinking or feeling. If something is bothering you, then just talk to me about it rather than keeping it inside. I don’t like that you always seem to think the worst of me, and I wish you’d give me a chance to explain instead of just assuming what I feel.”
“Oh, Jay, I’m so sorry,” I apologized guiltily. “I didn’t even think about something like that. I guess part of it is sort of a habit to think of guys in that way, and I wasn’t thinking about you.”
“Well, I guess we’ll just have to work on breaking that, won’t we?” he suggested playfully.
“Yeah. And I know you’re different, Jay. I’m just not quite used to it yet.”
“Ellie, what did you mean by a habit?” he asked suddenly. “I wouldn’t think you’d be used to thinking of people like that. I know your dad and your brother, and neither of them have that kind of attitude.”
That question caught me off guard. I was silent for a moment, trying to draw my thoughts together. This was something I had never told anyone before. “You heard about Arty, right?” I finally asked.
“Yeah.”
“We met during our first year of college,” I explained. “A lot of people just thought he was a big dork, but the truth is, he was just really driven. Which I found kind of attractive. I mean, I had known what I wanted to do since I was thirteen and first found out that my dad was Superman. And a lot of the people there had no clue where they were going or what they were doing. Which is fine, and they’ve changed a lot over the years, but Arty was the only one who felt the same way as me. We both had a goal and we were going to do anything to get it.”
I looked up, and saw that Jay was still listening attentively.
“Anyway, it took about a year for us to even start dating. Again, Arty was so focused on what he was going to do with his life that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. We finally started dating, and we went out for a while, but it never really went anywhere. Basically, we had a little more than a casual relationship and that was it. But I still got stupidly attached to him,” I explained, blushing in embarrassment. “I don’t know why; it was just one of those dumb things, you know?”
Jay nodded, still listening.
“So the summer before third year, there was this scholarship that we both applied for. There was some money attached to it, but the biggest thing was that it included a research opportunity with Dr. Lisa Caldwin.” I got a blank stare in response. “She’s very well known within the Molecular Genetics community, and to have a name like hers on your resume would be pretty impressive,” I supplied.
“Okay,” Jay nodded.
“Well,” I sighed, “long story short, we both applied and I was awarded the scholarship.”
“That’s great, Ellie.”
“Well, Arty didn’t seem to think so,” I told him. “We broke up shortly after. I’ve never actually told anyone about this, Jay, but I know the reason why we broke up was because I won the scholarship and he didn’t.”
“Ellie, that’s awful.”
“At first, I thought he would be okay with it. But then he kept bringing it up over and over. And trying to make excuses for why he didn’t win it. He even said that the only reason why I was awarded the scholarship was because I was female, just like Dr. Caldwin.”
“That little twerp!” Jay spat. “Tell me you didn’t believe him.”
“No, I didn’t. But it still hurt that he would say something like that. After that, I told him that I wanted him to stop talking about it. We broke up by the end of the week.”
“Ellie, I’m so sorry. Arty was an over competitive jerk.”
“I know that,” I replied sadly. “But it hurt a lot at the time, even though I knew he was being a jerk. I guess part of me has always thought that I lost my boyfriend because I was better at something than he was.”
“Ellie-”
“You’re not like that, I realize,” I cut in. “It’s just hard to remember that sometimes. Do you know that after four years of being Nebula, people still look at me strangely? And it’s not just because of what I can do. My dad and Jon don’t get that at all. It’s because I’m female. Nobody expects someone who looks like me to be able to do all the things that someone as tall and big as Jon or my dad can do. Most of the time, I get a positive reaction, but occasionally…”
“I’m sorry you have to put up with that, Ellie.”
“For the most part, I can take it. But over time…”
“It gets to you.”
“Yeah.”
“Come here,” he commanded, opening his arms wide.
I obeyed without hesitation. He pulled me onto his lap and drew me in for a sweet, tender kiss.
“You’re beautiful,” he breathed gently. “And Nebula-” He paused for another kiss. “Is incredibly sexy. And I’m going to tell you that as frequently and as fervently as you want.”
