Thanks once again to Nancy and Carol, my awesome betas.
PART TWENTY
*~Jay~*
I hadn’t talked to Ellie all day. Although I had tried calling her on her cell, she didn’t pick up, so that probably meant she was busy as Nebula. But by the time five o’clock rolled around, I was starting to wonder. How likely would it be that she would be busy all day? I had considered calling Kaylie and asking if she knew of anything, but I decided against it. If Ellie was busy doing something, my knowing wouldn’t really make any difference. As I drove home from the gym, I decided to turn on the TV once I got there and see if there was any news coverage that would explain her absence.
But as soon as I opened the door to my apartment, I felt her presence. What was strange was that she didn’t appear with a merry greeting and a cheery smile. As I dumped my stuff by the entrance, I heard a muffled sniffle coming from my kitchen. Concerned, I headed towards the sound.
“Ellie?” I called out. There was no answer. I rounded the corner, and was finally able to see her.
She was dressed as Nebula, although her hair, which was normally scraped back into a tight French braid, had loose strands falling down over her face. The golden cape that usually swished and snapped assertively as she walked was pooled around her as she huddled in the corner by my cupboards. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and her face looked tired. Exhausted, even. The tears came in a slow, steady trickle. She held a ratty piece of Kleenex in her hand, which she brought up to swipe across her nose halfheartedly.
“Hi, Jay.” She spoke in a thin voice, as if it would snap at any time.
“Ellie…” So much about her appearance shocked me that I wasn’t even sure how I would start to help her. I finally settled on crouching down beside her, putting us at eye level, although she didn’t look at me. “What are you doing on the floor?” I asked.
“I was going to make tea,” she spoke in that same thin voice “That’s what my mom always makes for my dad when he’s…” She stopped, then switched tactics. “So I got the mug out.” She lifted her chin in the general direction of the empty mug sitting on the counter. “But the thing is, Jay… The thing is… I don’t even like tea!” She finally burst out with more fervor than what I expected. “It’s just dead leaves boiled in water and no matter how much s-sugar you put in it….” She was trembling now. “No matter how much sugar you put in it, it s-still tastes like dirty dishwater.”
“Shh, Ellie,” I soothed. “It’s okay.” I reached over and brushed the strings of hair away from her face. She caught my hand and held it tight with her shaking hands. The scrap of Kleenex she had held fell to the floor. I inched closer to her, and she caught onto the hint, shifting in her corner to allow me to sit beside her. I stretched my arm around her, and she huddled in close to me. Her wet eyes soaked into my shirt as she drew in gasping breaths, and pushed them out with shaking sobs. I didn’t know what was specifically bothering her, but I was willing to give her support until she was ready to talk.
It wasn’t too long until she had calmed down enough to speak.
“There was a mudslide in Peru,” she told me quietly. “I was there for twelve hours straight.”
“That must’ve been hard,” I said neutrally, not yet sure where she was heading with this.
“Yeah,” she nodded. “It was. A lot of people died, Jay. Ones that I couldn’t save. And even the ones that I did save have their homes completely wiped out. What kind of gift is that to give them?” she asked bitterly. “What are they supposed to do now? What am I supposed to say to them? Yeah, sure I saved their lives, but a lot of them will die anyway from starvation or exposure because they don’t have anywhere to live. And I’m supposed to think that I did a good thing? You know, my dad and Jon were with me for most of the time,” she told me. “And when we were leaving, you know what my dad said to me? He said I had done a good job. And that’s just so… It’s not right, Jay. I didn’t do a good job! How can it be good if people suffer?”
“Ellie-”
“You know, I get that I can only do so much,” Ellie cut it. “My parents have told me that from the very beginning, ever since I started being Nebula. ‘Whatever you can do is enough.’ That’s what they say. All the time! That there’s no way I can do everything, and just being a symbol of hope is sometimes enough for people. But I can’t…” She drew in a shaking breath. “I mean, that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt sometimes! I *know* I can’t do everything, and most of the time, I’m okay with that. But sometimes… It just hits me, you know?” she said quietly. “And I don’t *want* to be told that there’s only so much I can do. I want to be upset! Is it wrong to just want to cry sometimes?”
“Of course not, Ellie! Here, come closer, would you?”
“I’m already close,” she muttered.
“Not close enough. Come here.” I pulled her tighter until she ended up sitting on my lap. I cocooned her in my arms, and held her tight for a long while. Finally, I felt her begin to relax.
She didn’t want to feel better about what happened. I couldn’t really blame her. What could I offer her to make her feel better anyway? Some kind of overused platitude that wouldn’t mean anything to her anyway? Right now, she just wanted to mourn for the people who had lost something in the tragedy. But there had to be something I could say to her that would give her some comfort.
“People in the NIA see a lot,” I finally began quietly. “Stuff that no one should ever have to see. And there’s never any time to recover. You’re just expected to move on to the next mission, and to forget what you lived through. There were these old, battle-scarred veterans that I would meet, and they would be… just numb. They’d seen so much and been through all this crap. And they just shoved it down inside so they didn’t have to feel it anymore. It worked, I guess. They didn’t hurt anymore. But if you met them, you would see that they’re just empty shells for the most part. Somewhere along the road, they lost a part of their soul.
“And you should never let that happen to you, Ellie. You should never stop feeling the tragedies that you come across. Because even though it hurts like hell at the time… it’s what ultimately keeps you whole.”
Her breathing had slowed down and evened out. She seemed completely at ease in my arms. A large yawn cracked her jaw open, and she let out a small hum as it came to a close.
“Thank you, Jay,” she whispered sleepily.
My speech had brought memories back to me. Bad things that I had experienced myself, and had never had the chance to heal from. How much longer would it have been before I turned into one of those soulless people I was talking about? Not much, I guessed. Even after leaving the NIA months ago, I knew that my comparatively short time there had given me a sense of cynicism that colored my worldview.
Now that there was some distance between myself and the NIA, I realized how awful it had been for me. I had been so focused on my work that I didn’t have the chance to live a life of my own. I had abandoned everything else for the sake of my career.
I looked down to see that Ellie had fallen asleep in my arms. Although it was still very early evening, I couldn’t really blame her for falling asleep. Was it twelve hours she said she had been working for? That was enough to tax even her vast store of energy.
Even though I didn’t enjoy the memories I had of my very worst NIA experiences, I was glad that I was able to help Ellie tonight in working through her feelings. And I was touched that she had chosen me to confide in. It was the first time she had done something like this, although I had a feeling this wasn’t the first time she had felt this way. Nor would it be the last. And I would be willing to be here for her any time she needed me.
We had been so in sync for the last month or so. Our honesty policy had been difficult to adjust to. It didn’t come naturally to either of us to really trust the other with all of our little fears and insecurities. But I felt that the events of tonight marked a kind of milestone for us. We didn’t even have to bring up the honesty policy. Things just happened by themselves.
I glanced over at the microwave clock. She had been asleep for only a few minutes, but it didn’t seem like she was going to wake up any time soon. Should I try moving her? She looked pretty comfortable here, but I wasn’t sure how long I could survive sitting cross-legged on the linoleum floor. So far I felt fine, though. I glanced at the clock again.
Was it my imagination, or did it seem a little lower than last time? I reached a hand down to the floor in order to push myself up for a better look. But no matter how much I stretched, I felt nothing but air with my fingers. I twisted around as much as I could to get a better look, but hastily had to correct myself before I toppled over in midair. Righting myself, I got a better look at our position.
We were floating, I realized. Together.
* * *
*~Ellie~*
***
I had thought I got over Arty pretty quickly. After all, it was Arty. But I was still moody when I met with Dad later that week for more superhero training. We spent a difficult half hour working together before Dad stopped us and asked what was wrong.
I shrugged wordlessly.
“Are you still upset about Arty?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I finally relented. “But I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“It’s just that I’ve thought about it a lot this week, and I don’t really want to do any more of that right now,” I continued.
“Right.”
I tried to focus, but something pulled me back to talking with Dad.
“Do *you* think it was stupid of Arty to break up with me?”
“Ellie, any guy that breaks up with you is obviously not thinking clearly.”
“Dad, I want a serious answer, not a Dad answer.”
“Okay,” he relented. “You really want to hear what I think?”
“Yeah.”
“Did I ever tell you about Lana?” Dad asked.
“Isn’t she married to your friend in Smallville?” I wasn’t sure what this had to do with Arty, but I was willing to play along for now.
“Yeah, she is now,” Dad said. “But when we were in high school, Lana and I dated.”
“Okay…”
“I was on the football team, Lana was a cheerleader, it was just the natural thing, you know? Anyway, I thought she was great. We were together nearly all of high school. But then she broke up with me right before senior prom.”
“Ouch,” I sympathized. “Why did she?”
“Some college guy that was her friend’s cousin” Dad shrugged. “He was visiting in town and swept her off her feet. Lana’s changed a lot over the years, and she’ll be the first to admit that she was pretty shallow in high school.
“Anyway, the point of this story is that even though it hurt at the time to have Lana dump me like that, look what happened to me later on. I met your mom and fell in love, and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. If Lana had never broken up with me, none of that could’ve happened.
“I think that Arty was throwing away something special when he decided to break up with you, Ellie,” Dad told me. “But I want you to think about this long and hard. Did you ever see yourself having a future with Arty in the long-term?”
“No,” I confessed, subdued. What Dad was saying was difficult to hear, but it was also true.
Dad pulled me into a tight hug, and kissed the top of my head like he had always done.
“I know this hurts right now, Ellie,” he spoke softly. “But I promise you that you will find someone that you can have a future with. And if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll hang onto you for the rest of your life.”
***
* * *
I don’t know what it was that made me jerk awake suddenly, but Jay was quick to soothe me.
“Ellie, just relax for one second, and don’t move,” he said softly. “There’s something I want you to see first.”
“Okay.” I didn’t move at all. What was his point?
“Look down,” he commanded. “What do you see?”
I twisted my neck around to look down. “We’re floating,” I observed in fascination.
“Yeah.”
“But Jay, I’m on *top* of you.”
“I know.”
“Are you holding onto me tight enough to hold yourself up?” I asked with mounting excitement.
“No,” he replied. “Feel for yourself, I’m barely holding onto you.”
I didn’t speak, almost afraid of saying what I was thinking.
“I need to stretch,” I finally announced. I brought us down until we were touching the ground, and then I got up off the floor. There was an obvious conclusion to this, but I wasn’t ready to reach it yet. “Okay, let’s think this through,” I said, pacing as Jay got up as well. “We’ll start from the beginning. Why do people float?”
“Ellie-”
“Just let me do this, okay?” I asked, trying not to snap at him. I was excited and nervous and scared and a whole bunch of other things, and I could hardly contain myself. Jay nodded his acceptance. “Okay,” I began again. “All complicated scientific stuff aside, and yes by the way, I can do that, Jay.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” Jay said, throwing his hands up in defense.
I narrowed my eyes, not quite believing him. “Okay. If we simply everything to the extreme, people float because they can somehow repel the force of gravity. People who can’t float, can’t repel gravity and have to spend their lives earthbound.”
“I’m with you so far,” Jay told me patiently.
“But you weren’t. You were floating, too, just now.”
“I wouldn’t say I was floating *too*, Ellie. More like I was floating *with* you,” he corrected.
“So you were… with me when I was repelling gravity.” I still wasn’t ready to say it. “And you shared in the experience. Like you got caught in the… energy field that I was-”
“Ellie, can we just say it already?” Jay burst out in exasperation. “We were sharing in your aura. That’s why I was floating with you.”
“We don’t know that for sure yet,” I objected.
“Ellie-”
“We would have to go to the lab and run tests and see what-”
“Ellie, I was floating two feet off the floor with you while you slept! How much more proof do you need?”
“How long was I sleeping?” I asked suddenly.
“Maybe half an hour,” he shrugged.
I nodded. Not like the information helped or anything.
“You still don’t know?” he asked gently.
“I need to be sure,” I whispered quietly. I didn’t want to push for something only to have our hopes deflated again. We had been so good about setting physical boundaries, but I wasn’t sure what would happen if we moved forwards, only to end up having to backtrack. Yet even with that in my mind, my heart was racing with the possibility that this whole problem might finally be solved.
“I understand, Ellie,” Jay told me. “I get where you’re coming from, I really do. We want to be careful not to take things too far. I think that was a mistake we made months ago when this whole thing started. We were pushing things before we were emotionally ready. But things are completely different between us now, I can feel it. I’ve felt it for a while now, but now we have actual proof. Can’t you feel it?”
“Well…” I didn’t get a chance to finish.
“Am I pushing you too hard?” he suddenly asked. “Ellie, even if this whole aura thing is resolved, that doesn’t mean I’m going to demand anything physical from you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, of course I do. And that’s not it, Jay. Trust me. I know exactly what we’re going to be doing as soon as we make sure that you’re going to be safe. But we can’t just rashly decide-”
“Whoa, Ellie Kent is saying we can’t do anything rash?” Jay interrupted, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Since when does something like that happen?”
“Since I could lose more than just myself,” I told him.
Our eyes met, and I saw that he understood.
Then he seized me and pulled me in for a hungry, demanding kiss. Unconsciously, I returned that energy back to him, getting lost in the magnetism. It was –undoubtedly- the best kiss we’d ever had. Better even than that first time hiding from Aunt Lucy and Uncle Brad behind the counters at the lab. It was better because this time we both shared in something special that we had never really experienced before. Finally, he pulled away.
“You can’t tell me you didn’t feel that,” he told me.
“Oh, yeah. I definitely felt that.” I pulled him back towards me. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t worry about how rough I was being. I just knew there was no way I could hurt him.
At that moment, a knock came from the door. Actually, it was more of a frantic pounding.
But Jay paid no attention, and instead brought us together once again.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” I asked, only breaking apart for a fraction of a second.
“Not a chance,” he replied fervently.
The knock came again, this time more insistent. I couldn’t resist taking a peek, no matter how interesting things in here were starting to get. What I saw caused me to drop completely out of our embrace, and take a step back.
“Ellie? What’s wrong?”
“Uh, Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“I think… I think you’ll want to open the door,” I said, hardly believing who it was on the opposite side.
