Thanks - as always - to Alisha, Beth and Nancy.
Last time:
Lois
I just stared at the fireplace. There was no fire in it, but we'd be building them soon enough. He'd lost a brother, too.
I sighed. "I think I'm going to go to bed," I finally said. "I didn't sleep well last night."
"I can imagine," he said quietly. "Jimmy wants to be your friend. Eventually. He just needs some time."
"I'm glad." I headed to the bed and crawled in. I stared at the wall in front of me and it was a long time before Clark decided it was time for him to go to bed as well.
There was a swooshing sound as he changed his clothes and then I felt his side of the bed depress. "Good night," he finally said.
He hadn't said good night to me in eons. I wasn't sure the last time he had.
"Good night, Clark," I said back. "I really am sorry about Van-El."
"Thanks."
I puzzled over the developments of the evening but was asleep before I could come to any conclusions.
*~*68*~*
December 2003
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
I unloaded the back of the Jeep and took the suitcases upstairs. Lois, Christopher and I had spent a couple of days at the cabin. It had been nice in a way. Lois and Christopher had stayed in her room and I'd stayed in Lucy's room. We wouldn't be able to do that when we went up for Christmas. My parents and Granny Kent were coming, too. Mom and Dad would be in Lucy's room, I'd imagine. Granny would have one of the other two rooms. I'd found out over the weekend that Ollie, Vicki and the boys went to her parents' home in Virginia for Christmas every year.
I wasn't looking forward to Christmas this year.
That was unusual. I always looked forward to Christmas.
Except this year.
I'd gotten a phone call from Mom a few days earlier. Lana had been in a car accident and lost her baby. My heart broke for her. Instead of celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple, she was recovering from the loss of her unborn child and I was married to someone else with a baby of my own.
This time the year before, I'd been looking forward to ring shopping and asking her to be my wife, but so much had changed since then.
I thought about the snow globe I bought in Paris the day we got there – the day before my life went to hell in a hand basket. It was still hidden among the things I'd moved from the dorm room. What was I supposed to do with it?
I could give it to her. I couldn't do anything else with it – wouldn't be able to bring myself to do anything else with it – except donate it to charity or something. Maybe I could give it to her anonymously. Drop it off at her house with no note or anything. She'd know who it was from because we'd looked at it together and she'd commented on it – how much she liked it. I'd told her maybe Santa would get it for her if she was good. She'd moved closer to me and whispered that she planned on being very good, right before she kissed me.
I shook my head slightly as I set the bags down in our room.
"What are we doing for Christmas presents, Clark?"
Lois' voice startled me.
"What?"
"Everyone's going to expect us to give each other something deep and meaningful on our first Christmas together. What is it that we're going to do exactly?"
I sighed. "Whatever you think is best."
She gave me an exasperated look as she put Christopher – freshly changed – on the blanket on the floor. "What do you want? Do you want me to get you something or would you rather buy something yourself and I'll wrap it up and give it to you?"
"Whichever you want to do." I didn't care. I should, but I didn't. Not just then.
She rolled her eyes. "Fine. Go get something you want, something that I could give you that you'd really like and that would show how well I know you and I'll do the same."
The idea had merit. Didn't it? I sighed. "We can't."
"Why not?"
"If Navance finds out we bought our own gifts..."
She sighed. "Fine, tell me what you want and I'll get it for you."
"How about a new leather jacket?" I put my finger through the new hole in the one I'd taken off a few minutes earlier. "This one's toast."
"Fine. Leather jacket it is."
"What about you?"
She shrugged. "Get me some jewelry or something – a mother's necklace or something like that and call it good."
I nodded. That was a good idea.
She pulled her shirt over her head as she walked into the bathroom. I didn't think she realized I was watching, but it shocked me a bit to see her back marred only by a bra strap.
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
I sighed. At least the Christmas thing was taken care of.
I could strip in front of him and he wouldn't notice.
I edited the thought. He'd notice, but he wouldn't care. He wouldn't... do anything about it.
We were coming up on our first anniversary and my husband was still a vir... vir... I couldn’t even bring myself to think it really – a very patient man. Or something like that.
That wouldn't be the case if he hadn't called me by his ex-girlfriend's name the only time we'd ever *really* kissed. Sure we 'kissed' all the time in front of others, but that was the only kisses we'd shared that were only for us. Well, for Clark and Lana.
And I'd loved every second of it.
He'd made my toes curl in a way Joe never had.
Maybe it was because there were rings on our fingers and so it was 'okay', legal even. Maybe it was because I was pregnant at the time and more sensitive to those kinds of things. Maybe it was because he was hot. Maybe it was because he knew how to kiss. Maybe it was because I had a baby and wanted to know what sex was like.
Or maybe it was because I was in love with my husband.
I sat straight up in the tub as that thought filled my head.
Was I in love with Clark?
The realization startled me.
I was. I was in love with him.
I wasn't quite sure how that was possible, given the extremely strained relationship that existed behind closed doors.
But I suddenly knew that every time I saw him with Christopher, I fell a little more in love with him.
I leaned back again in the tub, letting the water and bubbles cover me.
He was great with Christopher. Once he got over the snit he'd been in the first couple months, they'd been inseparable when Clark was home. Unless Christopher was nursing, of course.
Tears began to leak out of the corners of my eyes. I was in love with my husband and he couldn’t stand to look at me.
Why couldn't something in my life be easy?
Things were going well with Jimmy, I thought. That was nice. After a couple of days, he and I had gone out together in our first official 'practically siblings' outing. We'd done something together about once a week and he'd joined us for Thanksgiving since his parents were both out of town that weekend.
He and Dad had spent some quality time together and had been laughing and joking by the end of the weekend and Jimmy had a standing invitation to our house and his own code to the front gate so he could let himself in whenever he wanted. He was probably joining us at Christmas, as well – along with Clark's family. His dad was stationed overseas and his mom had been able to visit for Thanksgiving and it looked like she'd be able to for Christmas as well.
So there was one part of my life that was going better than expected.
And Christopher was doing well. He was a wonderful baby. I thought Clark helped with that; he doted on - I hesitated, then continued - his son.
I wondered again what it was going to be like in four and a half years when Clark left. Lana's baby would be three or so. My son would have a step-brother or sister. Unless something changed drastically, there was no way I'd keep Christopher from the only father he'd ever know.
Having realized that I was in love with Clark, would I be able to move on? I knew Joe was dating Debbie – seriously this time – so even if I wanted to go try again with him, and he was willing to take on a step-son, it didn't look like that was a possibility.
Deep inside, I realized that it was unlikely that I would move on. Clark would always be a part of my life – as long as he was part of Christopher's. I'd see him on days when he had visitation or two weeks during the summer or whatever.
Would he want to live with Clark?
The thought surprised me. I'd always assumed I'd have custody and I didn't think Clark would push to have it any other way, but what if he decided he wanted to live with his dad?
The tears came again. Of course. He'd probably want to live with his dad.
My life couldn’t turn out any other way.
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
"Pretty cool, isn't it, Jim?" I asked with a grin.
He looked at the cabin as we got out of the car, his eyes wide. "Yeah."
My parents and Granny had come the day before and driven up with Sam. Lois and Christopher had come up earlier in the morning and I was driving up with Jimmy after work.
"When you said cabin..." His voice trailed off.
"Yeah, that's what I thought the first time Lois said something about it. The reality is very different."
"When was the first time you came up here? Honeymoon?"
I hesitated. "Um, no. We got stuck in that huge snowstorm last year and ended up here. We – literally – barely survived."
"Your anniversary is coming up, isn't it?" he asked as he hoisted a bag out of the back.
"Early January." Great. Maybe we could avoid gifts for that and just tell everyone we exchanged them in private. Wasn't one year paper? I could get her a copy of the Daily Planet or something.
I sighed. I hated who I was becoming. I was being snippy with her, even in my own head.
Of course, we rarely spoke in private, so I wasn't usually snippy with her in person. In public – outside work – we were the perfect loving couple. We held hands, I put my arm around her as we walked on campus, we smiled at each other, we hugged, we kissed hello and goodbye – on the corner of the mouth most of the time.
In private...
It reminded me of the movie 'Dave'. The president and his wife waved to the assembled masses as they walked into the White House and then split and went their separate ways. We didn’t *really* go separate ways, but we would take our own laptops and surf the 'net or do homework or Lois would write or whatever. She'd done the National Novel Writing Month thing in November, writing 50,000 words of an NCIS story during the month. I wasn't sure how she'd managed that. Part of me wondered if she'd let me read it or if she was planning on posting it online. I'd kept an eye on the main NCIS-fic websites and hadn't seen anything yet I thought might be hers.
That had kept her busy. I watched sports or read a book or whatever. We were in the same room, but I couldn't remember the last real conversation we'd had that didn't revolve around Christopher or schedules or things of that nature.
No – the last real conversation we'd had was when I told her about my brother.
I grabbed another bag out of the trunk and shut it, leading Jimmy inside. We waved hello to everyone – introductions would come when our hands were empty – and headed up the stairs. Granny had the room closest to the stairs so Jimmy took the one on the end.
We set his things down in there and went back down stairs, interrupting a rousing game of Imaginiff to give hugs to my family and introduce them to Jimmy.
Dinner was ready not too much later and Christopher joined us at the table. Mom took over the job of feeding him his baby cereal, something I knew Lois was only too glad to hand off. He never ate well for her. I thought he preferred to nurse when Lois was around. And really, who could blame him?
I stopped, fork halfway to my mouth. Where had that thought come from? I recovered quickly and dinner was over before I knew it.
Jimmy and I were on wood duty and we went outside, getting enough to make sure all the rooms were stocked.
Dad had told me their room was fine and so was Sam's. That left Granny and Jimmy and Lois' room. I still couldn’t bring myself to call it 'our room'. We'd been several times since we'd gotten married and the only time we'd actually shared a room was when her dad had been there, too. I'd offered to sleep on the floor, but we'd agreed that it probably wasn't the best idea.
When had I started thinking a king size bed was small?
Usually it was Lois, but nearly every night, one of us somehow maneuvered a pillow into the middle of the bed, marking a no-man's land that neither of us crossed.
Would it always be like this? Would I ever know what a *real* marriage was like? Would Lana even be willing to take me back when she knew the whole story? And if she wouldn't, would Lois and I stay together for Christopher's sake? Would she want to?
Would *I* want to if life continued like this for the next four and a half years?
We weren't friends anymore even. Our relationship last Christmas was a *lot* closer than it was this Christmas, even though we'd been married for nearly a year.
I sighed as I headed into our room – I made myself say it. Lois was in the bathroom, but as I looked around I realized something was off.
"Where's Christopher?" I called.
"Upstairs with your parents," she called back.
"Why?"
"Your mom wanted to give us some time alone while we're here."
"Ah."
I heard her heading towards the bedroom.
"If that's okay with you, of course."
I glanced over at her and did a double take.
She was leaning casually against the door frame wearing a short, red satin nightgown, the matching robe slung over her shoulder.
If I didn't know better, I'd say she was out to seduce me.
*****
TBC
