Last time:
Clark
"You miss her."
It was a statement, but I nodded anyway. "I do miss her. A lot sometimes. And as I was putting Christopher down, all I could think about was that she just lost a baby and how unfair life is."
"She's hurting over that," Mom told me. "So is Tim. He was looking forward to being a dad."
"I'm sure he was. He's a good guy. He'll make a great dad someday."
There was a long silence before she spoke again.
"You have to let her go, Clark."
I didn't say anything.
"It's going to destroy your marriage if you don't." She sighed. "You two put on a pretty good front, but you forget, I think, that I powdered your tushie. I know you better than anyone else. I knew things weren't great between the two of you when you came to Smallville, but I wrote it off to everything still being new and your secret and Lois' pregnancy and all that. But now... your one-year-anniversary is coming up. I know you married Lois because of Christopher, to try to make a family for your son, to protect both of them, and that's commendable. And I know you were still in love with Lana in March, too, but it's been too long. I know there's no real timeline for these things, but if you're committed to making your marriage work – even if it's still only for Christopher's sake – you're going to have to let go of Lana and move on." She stood up and looked at me. "There's a beautiful young woman in there who happens to be the mother of your son and your *wife*. Maybe it's time you started acting like it."
On that note, she turned and left.
*~*70*~*
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
"Mom knows something's up," Clark said without preamble when he came back inside.
"What?" I asked, using the remote to turn off a movie I'd seen several times anyway.
He sighed and sat in one of the chairs. "She saw me in the garage and said that we're putting on a good front but that she knows better."
"Ah." I stood up and headed for the bathroom. I really didn't want to have this conversation right now. "I guess we'll just have to do better around them next time we see them, but they're leaving tomorrow so I wouldn't worry about it too much." I shut the door behind me and leaned against it. I sighed and headed for the shower. As much as I liked Clark's parents, maybe I was glad we didn't see them more often.
I turned on the shower and put those thoughts out of my mind.
Or tried to.
Was I going to be able to do this for the next four plus years? Pretend to be in love with my husband in public and deal with the iciness that pervaded our private life? Would I be able to deal with the dichotomy in our relationship, the isolation, that long? Even if there was more danger to myself and Christopher without Clark?
I sighed.
I wasn't going to be able to answer those questions in one shower and I put it out of my mind.
At least for the moment.
Or tried to anyway.
~*~*~
January 2004
~*~*~
"Happy Anniversary, Pumpkin."
"Thanks, Daddy," I said into the phone.
"Are you and Clark enjoying a couple days to yourself?"
I was glad he couldn’t see me. "Thanks for taking Christopher for a couple days for us."
"No problem. It's always nice to have a day or two without kids. And I love having my grandson around. You know that."
"It is nice. Thanks." I glanced up and saw Clark bringing some wood in. "Daddy, Clark just got back from getting some more wood. I'll talk to you later."
I could hear the chuckle in his voice. "Bye, Princess."
"Bye, Daddy."
"What?" Clark asked as I rolled my eyes.
"He thinks we're going at it like bunnies."
"So?" He shrugged. "You should have known they would."
"Knowing he'll think that and hearing it in his voice is different."
"Ah." He headed into my room – it was my room again since it was just the two of us – to drop the wood off.
I stood up and moved towards the window, staring over the winter wonderland below me.
"What's wrong?" Clark asked as he came back out.
I shrugged.
"I know you better than that," he said, sitting in one of the chairs behind me.
"Do you?" I asked him, without really thinking about it.
"Do I what?"
"Know me better than that."
"You're standing there staring out the window. It doesn't take Star to figure out something's wrong."
"Ah." So it wasn't that he knew *me*; it was because he could read body language.
"So?"
"So what?"
"What's wrong?"
I sighed deeply. "Nothing I really want to talk about."
"Okay."
I didn't say anything for a long time. I wasn't sure what Clark was doing, but I could hear him moving around. "I'm going to call Daddy's lawyer," I blurted out.
I could hear Clark still behind me. "Why?"
"To see if we can still get an annulment and if not, see what I need to do to let you out of this."
"What? Why would you do that?"
"He's not going to be able to get his hands on Christopher and you don't want to be here anymore than I do." That was technically true. He didn't want to be here more than I did, but I did want to be here. I wanted to make this work, to fall in love with my husband and for him to fall in love with me, but that wasn't in the cards. "You can go plead your case to Lana and if I can help, I will. I'll take all the blame; tell her that I pressured you into staying with me. You can help raise her baby and have babies of your own with her. I won't even try to keep Christopher from you if you still want to be a part of his life."
Clark didn't say anything for a long time. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why would you do that? Why would you put Christopher in that kind of danger; give Navance a claim that's legal in Latislan, even if it's not valid here?"
"I can't do this anymore."
"What?"
"This. Us. I can't do it." I'd come to that realization since Christmas, and now that the tears had started; I couldn't stop them. "You're still in love with Lana – and I can deal with that. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt just a bit that my husband loves another woman but I knew what I was getting into when we agreed to stay married. But the rest of it... When we lived in the dorms together, we had fun. Last year, we were friends but now... I'm not sure that even 'acquaintance' defines our relationship – unless we're in public outside of work and then we're all lovey dovey. I can't deal with the total dichotomy, with the loss of one of my best friends. I realize that it's unlikely we'll ever be friends like that again and I do regret that. And, you know, it's not like I expect you to fall in love with me or anything like that, but the total disconnect... I didn't expect that and I can't deal with it any longer. I miss you. We live together. We sleep together and, somehow, I still miss you."
There was silence from the room behind me and, if I turned my head slightly, I could see Clark's reflection in the window. He was sitting in the chair we shared on Christmas, leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees.
"I'm sorry," he finally said.
"No. There's no apologies or anything like that necessary. It is what it is and it's time to move on. Your secret is safe with me – I won't tell anyone." It occurred to me that it might worry him – more than anything else.
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
It was a scathing indictment of my commitment to my marriage.
That what she was the most concerned about when it came to a potential split – my secret.
My mom had been right the week before when she told me that not letting Lana go was going to destroy my marriage. I told myself that she didn't know what was going on; she didn't understand the situation.
Since then I'd been trying to avoid the conviction of conscience that kept coming. No matter what the reasons, I had promised to love, honor, cherish in sickness and health, for better or worse and all that good stuff. I'd promised – twice – my fidelity.
Fidelity.
Faithful.
Regardless of the circumstances, my thought life hadn't been faithful. It wasn't like I imagined myself... making love to Lana, but I kept her picture well-hidden in my wallet; I thought of her often – daily certainly, hourly sometimes. I wasn't sure I could control my dreams, but I sure needed to get better control of my thoughts.
And when I was thinking of Lana, I wasn't thinking of Lois. I wasn't taking care of my wife. The woman I'd promised to take care of.
How many times over the last year had I chastised myself? How many times had I promised myself I'd do better? How many times had I failed not only myself, but my wife and my son?
I couldn’t let Lois go through with this.
Sure, Sam had security and all that, but the psychological effects... If we stayed married, it was over after five years – Navance had no more legal claim. But if we didn't... There was no expiration date on what he could try. And knowing Navance, he'd keep trying just to piss Lois and the rest of the Americans off because he could.
"No," I finally said quietly, staring at the carpet in front of me.
"No what?" she asked.
"I'm not going to give you a divorce or an annulment or whatever."
"I’m sure there's to be a way to do it without your signature. I'll find it." She hadn't moved from the window.
"You would put Christopher at risk?" I asked her.
She gave a half-shrug with the arm that wasn’t leaning against the wall. "Daddy wouldn't let anyone get to him."
"For the rest of his life? He won't give up and there's no statute of limitations if we don't stay married."
"It's not enough, Clark." She sighed. "I appreciate what you've done – really I do –and I'm sorry I destroyed your plans, but I can't live this... whatever it is anymore. I miss my friends; I miss my life; I miss *me*. I know it's not your fault, but the idea that I can't go out for lunch with Joe without you because it might be proof that our marriage is a sham or this fake thing we're putting on in front of our families and all that... When behind closed doors we barely speak... I can't do it. You know less about me, and I know less about you, than we did when I opened that door and you were standing there in a towel. At least then we knew we didn't know each other or anything about each other, but now... We're supposed to know each other better than anyone else and we don't know what we don't know. Or something."
"I miss you, too," I told her, startling both of us. "I miss the sassy, take no prisoners Lois I used to know. I wonder what happened to her."
"She got pregnant and married," she replied, with a trace of bitterness.
"I don't buy that. Being married shouldn't change who you are that completely. Neither should becoming a parent."
"No, it shouldn't."
"Then what happened?"
"A mad man came after me. And if it was just me, I'd probably take him head on, but it's not. I have my son to think about."
"And you're willing to put him at risk until he's eighteen?"
She suddenly turned to face me. "I can't do this anymore, Clark. What part of that don't you get? I *can't* *do* *it*." Her voice rose as she spoke. "I don't care that you're not in love with me. Really, I don't. Would it have been better if Joe had ended up on that plane with me? Probably. You and Lana could be playing house or whatever and at least I'd be with someone who has always been there for me and who wasn't in love with someone else. Someone who would carry on a conversation with me that didn't revolve around work or my son. Someone who wasn't repulsed by playing the greatest love story ever told in public. Someone who would be interested in me as a woman even if he wasn't completely in love with me. Someone who at least still *liked* me after we got married."
I could feel something inside me welling up. It wasn't anger; it wasn't anything I could really define. In a split-second, I was in front of her, my hands on her arms, my lips on hers.
Before she could react, I let her lips go. "Is that what you want?"
Her eyes flashed fire as she managed to slap me. "Have I not made myself perfectly clear? *If* your feelings for me change at some point; *if* you decide you want to make this arrangement more conventional; *if* you decide you want to *make* *love* to me someday – then that's a possibility – but don't you dare think you can scratch an itch or use me as a substitute for the Corn Queen." Her eyes went from fire to ice in a second. "Let me go."
"No."
"Let me go. Somehow I doubt even you're completely invulnerable and I can make you wish you were."
I let go of her arms and she immediately started rubbing them with her hands. "Did I hurt you?" I finally asked quietly.
"No."
"I won't do it," I told her again. "I won't give you a divorce or an annulment or whatever."
"You don't have a choice," she told me bitterly.
"I won't do it. I'll find a way."
She sighed and turned to stare back out the window. I leaned against the other side. I didn't know how long we stood there before she spoke again.
"Did you know I'm on anti-depressants?"
What?
"What?" I asked.
She nodded. "Kristi put me on them when I went in for my check-up. It's not uncommon for women after having a baby, especially if she's nursing. Hormones are all out of whack and everything else."
"You're... depressed?" I couldn't believe I'd managed to miss that. But it wasn't really surprising; not given everything else.
"It's not like that. It's a hormonal imbalance. It's more than just a feeling of being sad or whatever."
"Right." I thought I knew that.
"It's a feeling of helplessness. A feeling of not being able to control anything. A feeling of... A lack of desire to do anything and not caring enough to do anything about it. After Christopher was born... Everything was just so overwhelming anyway. Being a mom. Essentially being a single mom at that point. I felt like it anyway. You've stepped up – big time – when it comes to being a dad, but you hadn't at that point. Navance. Married to someone who didn't love me; who barely spoke to me while we had to pretend everything was fine in public. All of that combined to overwhelm me. Completely. I was never... suicidal or anything like that – not even close. But there were times when I wondered if things wouldn't be better for you and Christopher and Daddy and everyone else if I was in a car accident or something."
My head was swirling. She'd been thinking all of those things? And I didn't have a clue?
She swiped at her eyes. "I hadn't planned on telling you all of that, but I can't live like this anymore. The medication helps. A lot. I feel more like myself and I can deal with life and it's not as overwhelming. It doesn't take the problems away or anything like that, but it makes them more manageable. But I still can't live like this anymore. And I know some sort of car accident or whatever really wouldn't have helped any of you – not really. I realize that, while you might be better off without being attached to me, Christopher needs his mom and Daddy needs me more than he needs the money he'd save on security."
"I wouldn't be better off if you were in a car accident," I told her. "I wouldn't have you in my life anymore and I'd miss you and the little boy everyone thinks is my son wouldn't have his mom and I'd have to explain to him – for the rest of his life – why he doesn't have either of his biological parents and try to convince him that I love him regardless of what his DNA says."
She ran her fingers over her cheeks and a second later, I had her in my arms. I held her close to me as she cried against my chest. I rested my chin on her head and tightened my hold on her slightly. "I'm so sorry, Lois. I'm so sorry I had no idea."
I kissed the top of her head as her arms went around my waist, clinging to me as the tears continued to fall. One hand found its way to her temple and gently stroked her hair.
"I *do* love you, Lois," I whispered. "Maybe not like I should love my wife, but I do love you and I would never want anything to happen to you and not just for Christopher's sake. I can't imagine my life without you in it, in some role."
I didn't know how long we stood there, but it felt like something finally shifted in our relationship.
Like we were finally friends again.
And maybe something more than that.
*****
TBC
