They kissed!
She was grateful for his sensitivity, and her next smile was actually genuine. She took a deep breath, let it out, and nodded. “Okay. But… let me just do this.” Do it! Just do it already. Jump. But I’m scared. Don’t worry. The parachute will open – but even if it doesn’t – he knows how to fly. He’ll rescue you.
She closed her eyes against the sudden wave of vertigo, and leaned in. Sensing where his lips were, she leaned in and brushed her lips against his. It was a brief contact, and then just as suddenly, she withdrew.
And now... apres-kiss.
My god. I – I just kissed him. I just… god… what did I just do? I can’t believe I just did that! I kissed him. It wasn’t.. horrifying. Great. How romantic. Kissing you wasn’t horrible, Clark! Still want to date me? Oh – no – but what if he thinks… I can’t … give him more than this. Not now – not yet. What if –
She pulled away, her face flushing deep pink. She could feel the heat of the flush, and was grateful for a second that the room was very dimly lit. And then, cursing herself for her stupidity, she realized he could see perfectly well – dark or light. No hiding here for her.
“I – I – I …I can’t believe… I just did that,” she said, her voice low and agitated.
He had hardly dared to move during the entire encounter, terrified of somehow triggering a panic attack… terrified that if he dared put a hand on her arm or shoulder, or waist – or any of the other typical responses to being kissed by the woman you loved – that he would somehow unconsciously mimic an action carried out by the man who had hurt her so badly in the first place. Let her take the lead. Every step of the way.
“I’m kind of – stunned myself,” he said, trying to somehow make sense of what was going on.
“Uh – I kissed you.” Her voice was wondering. “I really did that. “ Insecurity swamped her as she remembered it had been more like brushing her lips in the vicinity of his. Not much of a kiss. “But – it wasn’t much of a kiss – it – it was nothing – right? It was … mostly nothing.”
“Or…everything, depending on your point of view,” he said, trying to say what he was feeling without intimidating her. It was a very fine line to walk.
“I – I – oh… yeah. Is… is that your point of view?”
“Pretty much.”
She sprang up, and started pacing, her body coiled and tense… her movements short and sharp. He could feel the worry emanating from her – it didn’t even take their connection for him to feel that. He desperately wanted to go up to her and offer her comfort – in the form of an embrace… something to make her feel safe… but he knew that was the last thing he should do. He didn’t want to appear unaffected or distant either, especially when he was feeling so many strong things right now.
“Oh… Oh… yeah… god… Clark… I – I – I kissed you.”
“You did.”
“Was – was it okay? It’s been – a … while – since … I kissed someone… on – my own volition.”
That last phrase brought hot fury into his heart, and he had to fight to push it back down where it belonged. Rage for Kal didn’t have any place in this conversation.
“Lois. It was – really … wonderful.”
“So – you don’t regret – what we – agreed on?”
“Not at all. Do –do you? Because if you do – please tell me – please don’t – be afraid to – “
“No! I – I don’t. I - I wasn’t happy before. I had all these feelings – of worry – of jealousy – of frustration. I’m glad – that we understand – how each other feels – but… that kiss… that – “
“Did – did you … have any flashbacks?” His voice was tentative. He knew she hated talking about it.
“No. No – thank god. No. But…” She looked at him directly, worry evident in her eyes. “I just don’t know – if I can do this… again… for a while. You know? I – I – I really am afraid of those flashbacks. And – I’m – just nowhere near ready – for that. Is – that okay?”
He saw the pure anxious anticipation on her face, as she waited for his answer. All though it broke his heart to see her waiting for his answer so fretfully, it made him feel a little better that she wasn’t acting as if she expected him to attack her. That was something.
“Lois. I – said it before. There aren’t any rules for us – you just have to do what you want to do.”
“But what about what you want? I mean – do you want me? Like that?”
“Well – yeah. I do.” His answer was carefully delivered as he watched her for any negative reaction. “But – you know – so what? Right? I mean – so – I would love to be kissing you right now, it doesn’t mean we should be doing that – I don’t want you to do anything just to … make this relationship conform to what you think it should be. I promise you, Lois – if I ever feel like I want things to be different, I’ll tell you.”
His words both elated and frightened her. The idea that he, right now, right at this moment, might be feeling sexual desire for her – made her feel somewhat trapped. But there was also a sense of – relief – that he wasn’t somehow agreeing to do this out of a misguided sense of guilt for what the other Kal had done, or … even worse… pity.
“Oh- “ was all she could say.
“You’re – important to me… do you understand that?”
<You’re mine. Do you understand that?>
Kal’s brutal words echoed in her head, and she winced against them, too startled to try to modulate her response.
“Lois? Are you – “
<I’ll show you what it means to be mine!>
“No! I – I – No!”
“Lois? Please! Answer me!”
<Answer me, when I talk to you!>
In her minds eye, she saw his raised hand, ready to strike a blow, and she flinched.
He saw her reactions and realized – that right now – he wasn’t even here to her. She was somewhere else, and he was just provoking further flashbacks.
“Lois – I’m sorry. I – I don’t know what to do for you. I – I “
She looked at him suddenly, fretful eyes meeting his in direct contact. “I can’t get him out of my head,” she wailed. “He just won’t leave me alone!”
“How can I help? If at all?” His voice was soothing and low.
“I don’t know,” she said, not looking at him anymore, unable to deal with the sensory input. “I – I – you have to know that this will happen. More often than … not… I’m afraid… and – and – I need to know – that you can handle that.”
“I can handle anything, Lois … for you… but – I just don’t know what to do.”
“That’s the part you have to be able to handle,” she said, looking back at him anguished. “Not being able to save me – because sometimes… I have to save myself.”
“So – what do you want me to do – when it gets like that?”
“I wish I knew… it would be easy if I could answer that – I just don’t know. Leaving – doesn’t seem to be what I would want – but also – sometimes I feed off of what you say. I guess – each circumstance will – be different. Right now – I’m… I made it okay. But – he’s there now – “ she shook her head, her face twisted in frustration and disgust. “He’s in my mind, and he’s tainting things. It’s just so – it makes me so angry! I – I never got a chance to – tell him how much I absolutely hate him!”
“Would… telling me … help? I mean - since I look like him?”
“Not with your eyes the way they are,” she said, laughing mirthlessly.
“What? You mean – my heat vision – you don’t ever have to – “
“No! I mean… I mean – your eyes are so different. Warm. Kind. Accepting. You don’t look out at humanity with … contempt… you don’t look at me at see – property. You radiate honor and - and that’s what drew me to you – against my own wishes… I didn’t want to feel this way. I’m not saying I regret feeling this way – I know that – before all this happened to me, I would have … given anything – it seems – to feel this way – It’s just hard. It won’t be easy – and I need to know – that you understand that. Do you?”
“I do. I don’t expect it to be easy. I – I’m not – I don’t fool myself into thinking that you can just forget him – forget what happened. Obviously not. It’s – a part of your life. “
“Just give me time – to work it through. I apologize in advance for hurting you, because – I know I have, and I know I will.”
“You don’t need to apologize for that. I have my eyes open for this.”
“Where do we go from here?” Her voice was small. “I feel so bad that I – had this flashback – things were – so great tonight.”
“Overall, they still were.”
“Do… do you want to – get together – soon?”
“Always,” he smiled at her. “How about – I give you some space… what about Wednesday?”
“I don’t – do I need space? I don’t know…”
“If you decide you don’t – give me a call,” he said.
“Right. Stalk you.”
“No! You wouldn’t be stalking me. I love being with you. That’s not the issue – I just don’t want you to …”
“I know. Okay. So – I can call you – and if I don’t – want to get together – or feel up to it… that’s okay – you won’t feel wounded?”
“Not at all.”
“But if I do – you’ll be happy about it?”
“Yes… unless of course, there’s a disaster calling my name… in which case – I might not be able to – “
“I know. I just don’t want to feel like I’m imposing.”
“You could never impose. Ever. Not in a billion years. “
“You could… you know – call me – too – just to talk…”
“That’s good to know. Thanks.”
“So… just to be clear here – you will tell me – if I’m overdoing it – as far as you’re concerned… in your life too much – “
“You couldn’t ever do that. I just can’t even imagine a time where I’d think I was seeing too much of you. I – do you think that I’m just going along with this – out of some sense of… “
“Guilt? Pity? I… worry. I mean – look at you – and then… what do you see in me?”
“You… do own mirrors, right? And beyond your obvious – beauty – there’s the fact that… the person that you are… just – draws me to you.”
“You aren’t just saying that.”
“No. Why – why do you think I am?”
“Rule #1 about Lois Lane – I’m insecure and neurotic. A lot of women are, so I refuse to feel like a weirdo about it… but – I guess - being – treated the way I was – as long as I was – tends to take away your sense of personal worth.”
“Okay – I can see that, “ he said. “The last part of what you said… I can see it… I don’t know how to – reassure you then - that my feelings really exist – and – are nothing at all like pity or guilt.”
“Because you’re modulating how you react to me – “ She flushed as she realized what she had said. “I don’t mean – physically – but – well – yeah – physically – how you look at me – your body language – you’re trying so hard to be non-threatening, that you comes across as almost indifferent. I'm not complaining - about how you act... I know it kind of sounds like I am - but..." She expelled a frustrated sigh. Tongue-tied. I'm always tongue-tied. Me. Multiple-time Kerth winner.
“Lois,” he said, dropping the veil for a few moments and letting the full force of his emotions come through in his expression and voice. “I – am as far from indifferent to you as I can be. If you trust anything about me - please... trust in that. I don't pity you. I don't feel guilt about you. I really like you. A lot. I'm really - really attracted to you, in a way that goes far beyond friendship.” Please, Lois. Don't be afraid of what I feel for you.
She looked at him a long moment, mesmerized by the change in his expression. Wow. Or Yikes. Or both. Finally, she nodded, licking lips that felt suddenly very dry. “Okay… thanks…”
"Is it okay that I told you that?"
"Yes. Yes- I - as much as it ... seems - like... I might - be uncomfortable with stuff like that... I need to know. I want to know."
“And - I want to share those feelings... I just don't want to mess this up. Uh... on that note... I’m… going to go now. Is that okay? You look tired – and… “
“Yeah, yeah… I am. I – I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I’ll try hard not to wait by the phone,” he said, smiling. He stood up and made for the door.
“Clark. You know – you can fly out of here – if that’s easier for you.”
He looked at her uncertainly. “I’m afraid – of… “
“You won’t. You know. Or maybe you might. Scare me. But – that’s a part of you – the… uh… the … Kryptonian part of you… and… I have to… get over it.”
“No – you don’t… at least – not right at this moment.”
“I can’t – be… involved with you – and be afraid of… Superman. It’s crazy. You’re one person – it’s just the clothes. Please… just indulge me. Okay?”
“How can I say no to that? Are you absolutely sure?”
She nodded, not really trusting herself to speak.
He decided to take her at her word. She needed to go through things in her own way, and if this is how she wanted it – then this is what he would do. Feeling awkward and conspicuous about her watching, he spun into his suit. He forced himself to keep the same body language he had been keeping with as Clark. There was no reason for him to slip into his superman ‘persona’ around her – no need to keep her at a distance.
“Still… okay?” He asked carefully.
“Yeah,” she said, somewhat breathlessly. “I – I – admit to feeling a bit more… anxious – than before… but… you’re not… you’re still Clark,” she said. She walked over to him, her steps a bit forced and awkward, and she stood so close, she could feel the heat of his body.
“Should… I … we … as a goodbye – thing.. you know? The customary way that – people who – are… dating… say … goodbye?”
He looked at her, seeing that she was steeling herself up to do something that clearly alarmed her. He bent forward, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and then straightened back up.
“Will that do?"
She smiled at him, grateful for his sensitivity. “Yeah. It’ll do.”
Her smile dazzled him. God. I love you, Lois. Someday i'll even tell you that. He walked to the balcony and then looked back at her right before taking off. “I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow – and this will never have happened.”
“You can’t escape me that easily,” she said, with a smile.
He felt a sudden chill run through him at her words. Not wanting to alarm her, he gave her an answering smile and then flew off.
Her words filled him with dark thoughts. The idea of her trying to escape from Kal – and failing… and being made to suffer for it… made his heart ache so badly that he felt that he would go insane if he couldn’t go into that world and at least try and teach Kal some kind of a lesson for what he had done. He had never felt this urge for payback so badly. It terrified him – because he knew that if he ever directed that feeling towards a human – he could cross lines that should never be crossed. He knew that hiding his reactions to her reactions was going to be a challenge – but he had to do it… anything else would just upset her.
She watched him leave, and as soon as he did, she felt a sort of regretful loneliness at his absence. Even though the sight of him in the suit had made her feel a bit worried… she had still wanted him to be there.
I wonder if he misses me like that… as soon as we part? Or is this obsessive on my part? Could it be that I just need that good feeling that being around him gives me? It keeps away this other feeling – that I feel – when I’m alone, and get to think about all that has happened. And – he seemed a bit… distracted when he left – that last smile didn’t even reach his eyes… it was after what I said. I hope he doesn’t think I’m stalking him… but then – he said he didn’t. He doesn’t come across as the kind of guy to lie about his feelings just to make me feel better. He’s smarter than that. But – what was it? What did I say? Oh – of course… you can’t escape me… I must have – made him … think… about it. What does he think about when he thinks about what I’ve gone through? Is he angry and hurt for me? Afraid for me – afraid I’ll never recover? Or – is he – disgusted – in any way – that I let … I let myself be - used like that? I’ll have to ask him someday - but I just can’t see asking him any time soon. I’ve had enough soul-baring for at least a few days. I’m tired. I guess I’ll go to sleep. I really hope I don’t have nightmares. God. I miss him already. I wish he’s call me. Call me and … just … call me.
She stared at the phone, and found herself willing it to ring. On cue.. it did.
[tbc]
