Last time:
Lois
We walked along a little further, the silence between us comfortable and not awkward.
"Is it anything you want to talk about? I'm not pushing, I promise. I just want to know if I can do anything to help you with whatever it is." He lightly squeezed my shoulders. "That's all."
I shook my head. "No, there's nothing you can do. It's something I need to work through on my own." I needed to work through how being in love with my husband was a good thing.
"Well, I'm here if you need me."
We'd come to a stop near the railing and leaned on it.
I sighed. It *was* our anniversary after all.
"I guess today's as good a day as any to tell you this," I finally said with another sigh.
I couldn’t look at him and it took me several more minute to work up the courage to actually say it. He waited patiently, as though knowing I needed to decide for sure if I was going to tell him.
I took a deep breath and took the plunge.
"I think I've fallen in love with you."
*~*100*~*
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
She took a deep breath and didn't look at me as she spoke.
"I think I've fallen in love with you."
What? I stared out over the water in shock. Whatever I could have imagined was bothering her – that wasn't it.
"I mean, I know you're not in love with me and that's fine. You have Lana to go back to when this is all over and I don't have anyone so maybe that's why or something. Maybe it's a proximity thing or..." She took a deep breath. "No, that's not it. I mean that doesn't hurt, made it easier, but I first realized that it could happen over a year ago – when things were still so horrible between us. And at first I thought I was already in love with you, but then I realized that wasn't actually the case. I was attracted to you – but we've both always said that the other was attractive. I don't know if you *really* still think that or not, given what pregnancy and nursing have done to my body but you always said that was the biggest problem Lana had with me so that must mean *something*. So I was attracted to you last year and then I realized that I was attracted to your abilities as a father. From the time of that baseball game date, you and Christopher were practically inseparable unless he wanted to eat. You're a great dad and I realized that even then, but since our last anniversary..."
She finally paused for a breath, but that was it. "Things have been so much better for the most part and I got to see you happy and relaxed and we spent time together. And the more time we spent together, the more I realized how easy it would be to let myself fall in love with you. But I didn't want to do that. I knew what would happen. I'd let myself fall in love with you and as soon as Christopher turns five or some mob boss puts a hit out on Navance, you'd leave and fight for your relationship with Lana, but you'd still be a big part of Christopher's life – at least for a while and probably forever, because I can't see you slowly becoming less and less a part of his life. But then I realized that he, and later this baby, would probably want to live with you anyway, so that would limit the amount of contact more I'd think, but I knew that if I let myself fall in love with you, I'd end up with a broken heart and I didn't want that. Why on Earth – or Krypton – would I consciously put myself in a position for a broken heart? But you know what?"
She still didn’t give me a chance to respond. "I did anyway. I fell in love with you anyway and I know that, in the long run, there's nothing in it for me but heartache, but it happened anyway. And it's okay. I'll be fine, but I just need some time to work through it and get over it or whatever. And before you think it was all part of a diabolical plan or something, I didn't plan that night. Honest. All I could think was that I wanted to forget about Daddy in the hospital and I knew that it would take my mind off of it more than something like a game or something. Something where I could feel and not think. I mean, I'd thought about it before, but I'd never planned it or anything – even before Christopher was born I'd wondered – in passing or just idle curiosity or wondering about that night at the cabin – what it would be like, but I didn't mean to get pregnant, honestly. The whole thing was very spur of the moment and it didn't even occur to me until later that some sort of precaution might have been in order. I didn't plan on asking you to be with me that way and I certainly didn't plan on getting pregnant. I know you don't need the complication of a baby you know is yours when this is all over."
My head was spinning and I wasn't quite sure what to make of that, but that had to have been roughly the equivalent of rambling on and on for eighteen pages – front and back – while only taking two or three breaths.
But I couldn't let that go.
"A baby is *not* a complication. Never a complication," I said forcibly. "You *know* I've never been sure that I could have kids and there's no way I'd call a baby complication no matter what the circumstances."
She sighed. "Fine – something Lana will see as a complication, proof that you cheated on her with me. I know that a baby is one more... hurdle you two won't need to try to get over or around when we're over. I know you don't love me – at least not like that – and I don't mean to put you in an awkward position or anything and I certainly don't expect you to suddenly realize you're in love with me. But you've been asking about what's bothering me and that's it." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think I need to be alone for a bit, but I want you to know that I really don't want anything to change between us or anything like that. I don't expect any more from you than I did ten minutes ago. And I think you probably need some time, too."
With that, she turned and walked off.
I leaned heavily against the railing.
My head was still spinning.
Lois was in love with me.
Most people would think that was a good thing.
My wife loved me; was *in* love with me.
My parents would be thrilled.
Looking back on it now, they'd always liked Lana, but I had the impression that they *loved* Lois. And not just because I married her and she was the mother of their grandchild – grandchildren. Because they genuinely loved her.
They had no idea what a mess my life was. Married to one woman – one pregnant woman who I already had one child with – clinging to the dream of a life with my childhood sweetheart, practically counting the days until we could call the divorce lawyer.
Did knowing Lois was in love with me change any of that?
Should it change any of that?
If I loved her, if I was truly committed to our relationship, our marriage, for life, then it would.
But I wasn't.
I ran my hands through my hair.
What did it mean for me, for Lois, for our kids?
Kids.
Was that why she'd kissed me like that the night of her dad's heart attack? Even if she hadn't planned it? Looking back on it, I could see how those feelings might have played a role in what happened. Maybe not necessarily in the initiation – other than that most people who were in love with someone wanted to make love with them at some point – but definitely in some of what happened.
I believed her when she said she didn't mean for it to happen, much less get pregnant.
I sighed. I'd seen the tears streaming down her cheeks as she walked away. She'd managed to keep them in until she left. That amazed me, given what I knew about how easily she'd cried lately.
Was that what this trip was about?
Trying to... buy me? Or buy... my love? Or something like that?
I didn't think so. I think she just thought it was something she could do to be nice – a nice gift for both of us, nothing more than that.
I believed her when she said she didn't expect me to love her back or to suddenly realize that I wanted nothing more than to spend the whole rest of my life with her or anything like that.
I could hear her depression speaking again in some of what she said; that Christopher and the baby would want to live with me – and therefore, Lana – and contact between the two of us would diminish more if they did than if they lived with her and had visitations with me or whatever. What she didn't say, what I could hear, was the assumption on her part that, not only would they want to live with me when we split, but that, over time, they'd desire less and less contact with her, causing less and less contact between the two of us.
My heart ached for her, knowing that she believed that. She was a wonderful mom and Christopher loved her so much even if he did go through phases where he preferred me. There were also times when he preferred Lois. He'd had a bit of a cold in November and he wanted nothing to do with me while he wasn't feeling well.
I'd done some research over the past year on post-partum depression. From that and what Lois had told me, it was easy to see where she would blow that kind of thing out of proportion.
Whether I was in love with her or not, she needed me to be there for her, to be a shoulder for her to cry on, to help with her cravings and nausea, with her sore back and labor and delivery and midnight feedings and all of that – from the beginning – to continue to help protect both her and Christopher from Navance.
I sighed and pushed back from the rail to search for my wife.
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
I turned away from the rail and walked away from him.
I couldn't believe I'd managed to keep the tears from falling until I'd finished my spiel. I couldn't believe that I'd actually gotten up the nerve to tell him. He hadn't run screaming but, at the same time – except for his comment about a baby never being a complication – I hadn't let him get a word in edgewise.
I was glad when I made it through a door. I knew he could still see me if he wanted to but a quick glance as I turned the corner showed him still leaning on the railing.
For a minute, I wished I wasn't pregnant – and was over 21 – so I could go drown my sorrows. I thought about heading to one of the clubs anyway, losing myself in the crowd, but decided that I'd rather just go to bed.
And wonder if my husband would ever show up.
I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. That was the *last* thing I wanted.
I looked at the couch. It pulled out. Maybe I'd sleep there.
I got ready for bed and decided that pulling the couch out wasn't worth it. I took a pillow and one of the extra blankets and curled up. I appreciated that it would be long before I wouldn't be able to curl up anymore. The baby would soon make that impossible.
I put my hand on my stomach, covering the life that was growing there. Though I couldn't honestly say we'd created this baby out of *our* love, he or she was made out of mine. And Clark would love this baby as much as he loved Christopher. It wouldn't matter that he didn’t love *me*, that he wasn't *in* love with me, this was his baby and that was all that would matter to him.
Despite the occasional tears that continued to leak out, the long day had worn me out and I knew I'd been asleep when I heard the door open. I tried to keep my breathing even, my eyes closed, my body relaxed.
"Please don't pretend to be asleep," Clark said quietly, sitting on the ground next to me.
I suddenly flashed back to our wedding night. I'd tried to sleep on the couch then, too. Of course, the only reason we'd ended up in the same bed that night was because we were afraid people were listening in to what we were saying.
Had he carried me back to the bed then? Yes, he had. I'd been asleep on the couch and he'd carried me to bed – and called me 'sweetie' – before contemplating taking the couch himself. It was only my request that had brought him to sleep in the bed.
How much had changed since then.
How much had stayed the same?
I sighed and opened my eyes to find Clark holding Ibuprofen and water for me. I took them from him. "Thanks."
"You'll probably have a headache as it is."
"Probably."
"You tried to sleep on the couch on our wedding night, too."
I shrugged. "We weren't in love. We didn't want to be married. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by assuming you'd want to sleep in the same bed and, since I was the one who'd gotten us in the mess it wasn't fair to make you sleep on the couch."
"And tonight?" he asked softly.
"We're still not in love. We still don't *want* to be married. I still didn't want to make you uncomfortable after what I said and it's not fair to make you sleep on the couch." I still hadn't looked at him.
He brushed my hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear. "I don't want things to be awkward. I still mean what I've said the last few weeks. I want to take care of you. And I want you to know something and I want you to really listen to me."
He didn't say anything else and finally I nodded. "Okay."
"You are a *great* mom. Christopher loves you *so* much." His fingers brushed the hair at my temple. "I know he prefers me sometimes, but there's times when only Mom will do, and deep down, you know that."
I nodded.
"And, even having had a baby and nursed him for a year, you're still a beautiful woman. You always have been and I have this sneaking suspicion that you always will be. You have a great figure and Christopher didn't change that. This baby won't either."
I'd rolled onto my back, mainly so I could stare at the ceiling instead of looking at him. One hand still played gently with the hair at my temple and the other came to rest on my stomach.
"I mean it, Lois. I want you to really hear me. You're an intelligent, beautiful woman. You're a great mom and your son loves you very much. I could hear it in what you said out there. Not in everything, but in some of it, I could hear the depression talking again and I don't want things to get that bad for you again. Not because you're having my baby, but because I care about you and this time, I'm going to keep my eyes open and not have my head in the sand when it comes to what you're going through."
He sighed. "Right here, right now – I'm with you. Only you. I'm committed to helping you through this however I can."
Not committed to me. To us. But to helping me through it.
That was something, I guessed.
I hadn't expected him to declare his undying love. To be honest, I'd expected him to avoid me at all costs for a few days.
His hand left my stomach and turned my face towards him. "Are you really hearing me?"
I nodded. "Yeah," I finally managed to get out. "I hear you."
"Do you believe me?"
I bit my bottom lip, but didn't respond.
"Do you?" he asked quietly, but more forcefully.
I shook my head. "No, I don't believe you," I finally whispered.
"Why not?" His voice was gentle.
"Because it's not true."
*****
TBC
