Last time:
Lois
I hadn't expected him to declare his undying love. To be honest, I'd expected him to avoid me at all costs for a few days.
His hand left my stomach and turned my face towards him. "Are you really hearing me?"
I nodded. "Yeah," I finally managed to get out. "I hear you."
"Do you believe me?"
I bit my bottom lip, but didn't respond.
"Do you?" he asked quietly, but more forcefully.
I shook my head. "No, I don't believe you," I finally whispered.
"Why not?" His voice was gentle.
"Because it's not true."
*~*101*~*
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
She didn't believe me?
Of course she didn't believe me.
"I mean, I believe that you believe it, but I can't tell you that I believe it because I don't."
"Why not?" I asked her quietly. "It's all true."
She sighed. "I just don't. Most of the time I do, but not now, not lately."
"The hormones getting to you already?" I asked.
She nodded. "It's the only thing I can come up with. I talked to Kristi about it and we raised my medication again, but she said it would take a couple weeks to kick back in."
I breathed a sigh of relief that she was aware of what was going on with her.
"At least you're not avoiding me," she said after a long silence.
"Why do you think I would avoid you?"
She gave me a look of disbelief. "I just told you I think I'm in love with you and I know you're not in love with me. I thought you'd avoid me for a few days."
"The thought crossed my mind," I admitted, "but the more I thought about what you said, the more I heard the depression talking in some of it, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay."
"Thank you."
I sighed. Just because I wasn't in love with her didn't mean I didn't care about her – and not just because she was the mother of my kids.
She rolled back onto her side. "I'm going to get some sleep." She pulled the blanket up over her and closed her eyes.
I rolled my eyes and scooped her into my arms. She squealed and grabbed at me in surprise. "Not on the couch," I told her.
"Are you going to sleep on the couch?" she asked me as I set her on the bed.
I hesitated.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. "If you're not sleeping on the bed, then I'm not either. So you may as well let me have the couch if you don't want to sleep in the bed with me."
I didn't answer but about two seconds later, I was sitting on the bed next to her. "Okay?"
It was her turn to hesitate. "Please don't do anything different or whatever."
"What?"
"I know you hate sleeping with a shirt on. You don't have to feel like I'm going to jump you if come to bed without your shirt on." She didn't look at me.
I looked down to realize I hadn't taken my shirt off. "It wasn't that," I told her. "I just hadn't taken it off yet. Honest." I took it off and tossed it in the corner before staring at my hands for a minute. "I'm not quite sure what to say or do. I don't want to hurt you or make anything harder for you or whatever."
I didn't know what to do. As far as I knew, before now at least, the only person who'd ever been in love with me was Lana and I was in love right back. How was a guy supposed to act around a friend who admitted to being in love with him?
What about when that friend was also his wife and the mother of his kids?
Maybe when this was all over, I'd write a book: The Idiot's Guide to Living in a Quasi-Platonic Marriage While Protecting Your Wife and Kids from an Insane Dictator.
I'd be rich. I was sure there would be a *huge* market for something like that.
I wondered who'd play me in the movie. Maybe that guy who was in the 90210 eps Lois liked so much.
I sighed. That was not what I needed to be thinking about at the moment. I needed to be thinking about Lois and what I could do for her to help her figure out whatever it was she needed to figure out so that her heart wouldn't end up broken.
"What can I do to help you work through this? Or whatever it is you need to do."
She shrugged. "Just be you. I'll deal with me. Don't be weird or anything, just be... *us*. Whatever that is. It's not like I sit around pining or anything. Do I like it when I wake up and you're lying behind me, with your arm around me? Yeah, but I'm not sure that has anything to do with my feelings; more like I feel safe and protected or whatever and unless you come right out and say 'Lois, I love you; I want to build a life with you and our kids' I'm not going to get the wrong idea." She hadn't looked at me the whole time. "And I don't expect you to say that. Ever. And that's okay. Just don't get all distant on me, because, as much as I hate to say that I need anyone, I'm going to need you to get through this pregnancy."
"And I'm going to be there for you this time. I wish I'd done a better job last time, but I can't go back and change that. I *can* do better this time."
She sighed. "Thank you."
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
I'd fallen asleep. Alone.
More or less.
Clark had headed out onto the balcony and stared at the water – or something – for who knew how long.
But when I woke up, he was still sleeping – near me, but not with me. In the same bed, but as far away from me as he could get.
I shouldn't have told him. It was going to make things all weird.
I sighed and got up to get ready for the day.
Clark was still sleeping when I was ready to go so I headed out. I was glad breakfast was a buffet and I could eat as much as I wanted and it was unlikely that anyone but Clark would notice – especially if I rotated seats; I was also glad there was no assigned seating at breakfast.
I was on about my fifth plate when Clark set his plate down across from me.
"Hungry?" he asked as he bit off a piece of bacon.
I glared at him. "Don't make fun of me."
"I'm not. How many plates is that?"
"Four."
He raised an eyebrow.
"Fine. Five."
"Was it like this with Christopher?" he asked quietly, taking a bite of his pancakes.
I sighed. "I don't remember. I think I remember being hungrier than normal now and then, but I remember having some sort of excuse, too. Like Joe and I went for a hike or something. And yesterday was pretty normal, wasn't it?"
He nodded. "I didn't notice you eating a ton or whatever and we were pretty active yesterday."
"Maybe it's catching up with me today," I suggested. We ate in silence for a few minutes. "Listen, I meant it when I said you could go do something else if you can get a spot on one of the excursions. You don't have to stay with me."
"I'm staying with you," he said quietly. "Nothing's changed."
I wasn't sure I bought the 'nothing's changed' bit and I wasn't sure I really wanted to hang out with him all day – not if he was going to be weird. So far he didn't seem to be but...
I sighed.
"What?"
I shook my head. "Nothing," I said as I ate another bite of French Toast. "Just thinking," I mumbled around the food.
He stopped eating and leaned towards me. "You know, if you don't want me to be weird, you can't be weird either."
I took another bite so I wouldn't have to respond vocally, but I nodded.
"I mean it, Lois. I don’t want this to be weird any more than you do, but you have to be okay with it too."
"I know."
We finished breakfast and spent the day sightseeing.
Of course, it was also the second formal night of the cruise.
I pulled out the only other cocktail dress I had that still fit. Both of them were black, but this was the one that left most of my back bare.
Clark dressed in a flash as I stood in front of the mirror, trying to get my necklace on. It wasn't cooperating and I swore under my breath.
"What?"
"I can't get it," I told him, setting it on back in the jewelry case. "I'll wear something else."
"Would you like me to help you?" he asked. A glance in the mirror showed that he wasn't looking at me, but working on one of his cuff links.
"If you don't mind."
"Not at all. Besides, we both know you're going to have to get my tie straight here in a few minutes. It's the least I can do."
"Thank you," I said, holding the two ends out for him and tilting my head forward.
He fastened the clasp, the grasped my shoulders lightly, using his thumbs to massage my neck.
I let out a light moan. "That feels so good."
He continued for several minutes before moving on to my shoulders and upper back, right along either side of my spine. I could feel pointed blasts of heat vision helping loosen the muscles in just the right spots.
"Better?"
I nodded. "Thank you."
"You've been trying to do some of that yourself all night but I didn't think you'd been too successful."
"No, I hadn't."
"You didn't sleep well last night."
It wasn't a question; it was a statement as he went back to working on his tie.
"Did you?" I asked, avoiding the non-question.
He sighed. "No, not really."
"Me either."
I'd noticed over the last several months, and especially the last few weeks, that I slept best the nights that I either fell asleep in his arms or woke up in them.
And there was no way that was going to happen the night before and I doubted it would happen again anytime soon.
Maybe he'd give me a foot rub tonight – he usually did on nights when we were all dressed up. But we usually danced those nights and, somehow, I doubted dancing with me was real high on his list of things to do.
I could see him bending over backwards not to give me the wrong idea – the wrong impression – and 'encouraging' me. What I wanted was to enjoy this a bit longer – dancing with him, having him hold me at night, foot rubs, back rubs, letting me take care of him when he needed it – after Pop Pop died, after the Kryptonite – but I didn't see that happening.
I wanted to enjoy being in love with him while he was being my friend – the quasi-platonic kisses, as we'd taken to calling them, the hand holding, the dancing close...
But I thought I'd ruined all that when I told him I was in love with him.
For a brief instant, part of me wished Lana would meet some accidental fate and that he'd decide that giving us a *real* try might be worth a shot. No, accident wouldn’t work – he'd just mourn her. Move on and get married – maybe.
But I didn't want to be second choice. I didn't want to 'win' by default. I wanted Clark to *choose* me and Christopher and the baby.
But I still had three and a half years before I had to deal with that. I just wanted to enjoy it without thinking about all of that for a bit.
I stifled a sigh as we headed towards dinner.
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
I got the impression she was holding something back – feeling nervous about something, unsure about how to act around me.
I felt the same way.
I wasn't sure how to act around her. She said she didn't want anything to change; she didn't want me to treat her any differently, but she was acting differently and it was hard not to act differently in response.
I could tell she wasn't sleeping well as I stared out over the water off of our balcony the night before. She seemed restless, tossing and turning, or at least moving around more than usual.
I thought about suggesting we head back to the ship early so she could take a nap, but I didn't think that would go over very well so I held my tongue.
I could see the strain in the set of her shoulders and the way she kept rolling her neck throughout the day. I could imagine that she was probably regretting telling me and I could understand why.
I wasn't sure if I wished she hadn't told me or not.
It was flattering in a way and it felt good to know that I was appealing to someone besides Lana, but at the same time I wouldn't want to hurt Lois for the world and I didn't see how this could any way but badly for her at this point. Even if...
I made myself think it.
Even if Lana and I couldn't work things out – either she didn’t want to or we started dating again and realized that time had just changed us too much or whatever – I just wasn't sure I saw myself falling in love with Lois.
Could we live together and parent our kids and be friends and such like we had the last year? Without the being in love part? Being platonic partners in a marriage?
Maybe.
No.
It wouldn’t be enough for me, I didn't think, and even before Lois said what she said, I don't think it would have been enough for her.
No, I knew it wouldn’t be enough for either one of us.
Both of us wanted the kind of relationship we'd seen played out in my parents' relationship, in Nana and Pop Pop and even Sam and Ellen before she'd died.
Nana and Pop Pop had always said love wasn't who you could live with; it was who you couldn't live without.
That was what both of us wanted.
After last night, I had the impression that – for now at least – Lois wanted that kind of relationship with me.
I'd always wanted that with Lana and even though I was coming to the realization that it might not happen with her, I wanted it with someone.
I didn't know who that someone might be, if not Lana, but wouldn't I know by now if it was Lois? We'd been together for two years now. Wouldn't there be some signals, some feelings or whatever, if she was the one I wanted that with?
We made it through dinner – we were both pretty quiet and the people sitting with us left us pretty well alone.
Surprisingly, Lois only picked at her dessert. And since it was chocolate, that was a sure sign that something was very wrong.
"Are you okay?" I asked quietly.
She nodded. "Just tired."
I wasn't sure I bought that.
She seemed ready to head back to the cabin.
"Um, listen, before we go..." I hesitated.
"What?" she asked expectantly.
"Would you like to dance?"
*****
TBC
