Thanks - as always - to Nancy, Beth and Alisha
.
Last time:
Lois
"I'm sorry," I said suddenly, surprising both of us.
"For what?" he asked, never taking his eyes off Nate.
"The other night. I should never have asked questions I knew I wouldn't like the answers to, much less get upset when I don't like what you say."
He sighed. "And I should never have answered them – at least not like I did." He looked straight at me. "You are *not* inherently unlovable. You're a wonderful person, a great mom, and you've given me two beautiful boys. You deserve better than this – better than what we have. You deserve someone who loves you with his whole heart, something like my parents have, your parents had, my grandparents had. You deserve that, not some platonic thing forced by a dictator like what we have." He moved his hand from Nate's cheek and reached out to brush my hair back. "You are beautiful and pregnancy didn't destroy that."
He sighed. "You’re my best friend. I want you to be happy. I want you to be safe."
Tears filled my eyes and the hole in my heart grew. Happy. Safe. But not enough to decide to love me.
A nurse came over and interrupted whatever else either of us might have said.
I sighed. Nate was doing well and they were ready to take him over to the Peds unit. Any conversation with Clark would have to wait for later.
*~*118*~*
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
I hadn't expected her to apologize and I still wasn't sure exactly where we stood.
I hated this. Why couldn’t I just be in love with my wife?
I knew what Mom had said about it not being all fireworks and fluttering was right, but I knew there had been at least some of that when she and Dad started dating. It had grown into that deep, abiding, lasting thing.
I sighed as I got ready for bed. Christopher had been almost ready for bed when I got home. I reassured him that Nate was going to be just fine and that he and Mom would be home in a few days.
He'd fallen asleep as we rocked and I'd carefully put him in his bed.
I didn't know what to do, what to think.
I guessed I'd just keep living life and see what happened.
~*~*~
January 2006
~*~*~
"Clark, I can't do this. I need your help."
I looked up from the paper I was working on to see her practically in tears. "Of course. Let me take him."
Normally, Lois was able to calm him down better than I was – she had that mom-sway/jiggle thing down pat – but he'd been crying for nearly two hours now.
She'd had him in the living room while I worked in our office/study room so he wouldn't bother Christopher or Jessica.
I carefully took him from her, situating him stomach down on my arm, his head tucked in my elbow with his legs hanging on either side of my hand. "Hey, Mr. Man. You need to work this out of your system."
Lois rotated her shoulder around and around. Holding him like this was hard on her shoulder and back, but it was the only way he could get remotely comfortable when he had a gas attack. Unfortunately, they came several times a day, often lasting for half an hour or more.
I'd gotten better at helping him, but it came more naturally to Lois. I thought Nate preferred her at this point anyway.
Overall, he was doing pretty well – he was even sleeping six hours at a stretch most nights. We kept him in a bassinet in our room for the time being, though, so he wouldn't wake Christopher up.
"When was the last time you gave him gas drops?"
"A while ago," she said, sinking into the chair and pulling a blanket wearily over her. "You're welcome to try again, but it's not working tonight." She sighed. "I shouldn’t have had that cavitini last night."
"What?"
"Pepperoni. I bet it's why he's having so much trouble tonight. Don't let me eat pepperoni while I'm still nursing."
She tossed the dropper to me and I caught it deftly with one hand, resituating Nate so I could give it to him.
The screaming stopped for a few minutes before starting again.
I sighed. It did make for a long evening.
"I think he burped a little bit earlier today," Lois told me.
"Really?" I asked surprised.
She nodded.
"I never thought I'd be so excited about a burp."
"He hasn't burped in almost two months," she reminded me, rolling her shoulder some more. "He has horrible gas. Burping will help a *lot* with that. It's a big deal."
It was hard to hear her over the screaming, but she was right.
I nodded. "I know."
We'd avoided the question of 'us' since the brief conversation in the recovery room. Nate had still needed attention around the clock many days – mostly from Lois. She managed to get all of her classes done and made it to all of her finals. She'd even made it to two tests while Nate was in the hospital, but that was only because she was on campus anyway. The spring semester was starting in a couple of days and we were hopeful that he'd soon need less attention and Lois wouldn't have any problems with classes.
Perry had been fantastic. Over half her internship had been done from home. She did a lot of work online for Billy and Serena and wrote a regular column and blogged almost daily. Very few of our classmates doing more traditional internships could say that. We had all the same classes this spring – our last semester of college. Finally. It was hard to believe that – given everything else – we'd made it this far on time. It wouldn’t have happened without Sam – even if we hadn't had the specter of Navance over us. If Lois had gotten pregnant and we'd gotten married and tried to do it on our own without the outside threats, we never would have managed.
All of our classes were related to our major or minor and we'd had all of the professors before. They were all aware of what had happened with Nate in the fall and we'd told them that things were going better and we hoped that there would be no further problems.
"Seventeen weeks," Lois said, lying back on the couch. "Seventeen weeks until we graduate."
"Excited?"
She nodded. "Very."
Perry had practically promised us jobs when we were done. They were ours to lose if we screwed up. We'd be low men on the totem pole, but we'd be working for the best paper in the world.
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
Clark finally managed to get Nate to calm down. Sort of.
My arm and shoulder had been bothering me for well over two weeks before I realized why it hurt so much all the time – holding Nate the way he preferred when he was gassy was harder than I realized – even though he was still barely nine pounds.
He was nursing well – and had been since his surgery. I didn't think I'd have to miss much school – if any – because of him, at least not because of this. He might be sick or something else, but hopefully the GERD and recovery from the Fundoplication were nearly over. I'd almost cried when I realized that he'd burped earlier.
Maybe I'd even be able to make it to the Daily Planet on a fairly regular basis.
I yawned and stretched my arms over my head.
"Why don’t you go on to bed? I'll take care of him. Get some sleep."
I nodded. "Thanks." I headed up the stairs, Nate's wails following behind me.
I took a shower and changed into some pajamas. I was glad that at some point I'd stopped wearing the nightgowns. It just didn’t seem necessary after Nate was born.
I crawled into bed and was asleep almost immediately.
I wasn't sure what woke me up. Nate wasn't crying. Christopher wasn't either.
Then I realized that Clark must have rolled over in his sleep because his arm was around me and he was holding me to him.
After Nate and I came home from the hospital, I'd told him he didn't have to sleep on the couch. Unspoken was that I didn't really want him near me, but he'd gotten that without it being explicitly stated.
This was the first time he'd been close to me. It helped that, after Nate was born, I found myself preferring to sleep facing him with the body pillow in front of me.
I sighed. Part of me wanted to enjoy being in his arms – arm – again. Part of me was too tired to enjoy it and I soon slipped back into sleep.
He was still there when I woke up again, sunlight streaming in through the windows. I tried not to wake him up as I tried to ease out of his embrace.
"Sorry," he muttered as he rolled over.
"It's okay. I just need to go to the bathroom." I winced suddenly as I stretched. "Did he sleep all night?"
"I didn't get up with him," Clark said with a yawn.
"Me either." I winced again. "I think I need to feed him here pretty quick."
"I'm glad you got a whole night's sleep," he called as I shut the door behind me.
I exited a few minutes later and took Nate from Clark, who was still lying on the bed.
"He woke up a few minutes ago."
I settled into the big chair and tossed a blanket over both of us as he started nursing. My eyes closed in relief as the pressure decreased.
When he finished, I held him on my shoulder, patting his back. Clark and I looked at each other and grinned as he burped, not a big burp but a burp nonetheless.
The door between our room and the boys' opened suddenly. "Daddy, I hung'y," Christopher said as he walked in.
Clark yawned again and climbed out of bed. "Come on, little man. Let's go get breakfast while your mom feeds Nate."
"'Kay, Daddy." Before he headed towards the door, he climbed up on the chair next to me. "Mornin', Mommy."
"Good morning," I said, giving him a big kiss.
He patted the blanket that was back over me and Nate. "Mornin', Nate."
I smiled at him. "He's too busy eating. He'll say morning later."
"Bye, Mommy." He scrambled down and Clark swung him up, flying him out the door.
When Nate was done I tried to burp him, but no such luck. We headed downstairs and spent the day hanging out with Daddy and Jimmy.
Classes started the middle of the next week and I made it to all of my classes. I even made it to the Daily Planet for a few hours a couple of different times.
I loved the smell of newsprint in the morning. Or something like that. I'd missed the hustle and bustle of the newsroom though I was grateful that I'd been able to stay home and take care of myself and Nate when I needed to.
Life continued. Nate started burping more regularly and his gassy episodes decreased significantly. That was a huge relief for all of us.
Before we knew it, it was time for Spring Break again and this year we were headed back to Smallville.
~*~*~
March 2006
~~~~~
Clark
~~~~~
"I'm glad you can fly," Lois said with a sigh. "I can't believe I forgot Ducky for Christopher." He was so attached to the duck I'd picked out when Clark won the pitching contest at the Corn Festival. Forgetting it was practically a cardinal sin.
"I'll go get it when it's dark. Since we're not there, the wing shouldn't be locked down and no one will notice that I opened a door while I'm supposed to be here."
I finished setting up Nate's portable playpen/bassinet in my old room. Christopher was going to sleep in Mom's craft room in a sleeping bag – he thought that was way cool.
She rummaged through the diaper bag again before sighing. "I also forgot the gas drops."
"I'll run to the store and get some in a few minutes." Though his gassy episodes had decreased significantly as he burped more, he did still have them from time to time.
Twenty minutes later, I'd taken Dad's truck to Smallville. I pulled up in front of the store and headed inside. I chatted with Mrs. Bellconto – she and Mr. Bellconto had owned the store for as long as I could remember. She said that everyone in Smallville was glad to hear that we'd named Nate after my great-grandfather and that he was doing so well. She made me promise to bring him by before we left. I paid for the gas drops and the other things Mom had asked me to pick up for her.
I had it all in a bag and was heading out of the store when someone else was walking in. I stood off to the side to let whoever it was pass, but they didn't. They just stopped.
I looked up. "Lana," I said quietly.
"Hi," she said in equally quiet tones.
"How are you?"
She shrugged. "I'm okay. I got the job as the new Title IX teacher at Smallville EC as long as I graduate and pass my certification test, but those shouldn’t be a problem."
EC was the Early Childhood building, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Preschool and Kingergarten. "That's great," I said honestly. "That's the three and four year olds right?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I'll have two classes – morning and afternoon – with about ten kids each." She sighed. "Listen, I never told you how sorry I was about Pop Pop. I know how much he meant to you."
"Thanks. We all still miss him a lot."
"I bet. And I heard the baby's doing better. I'm glad, really."
"He's doing much better. He's finally gaining weight slowly but surely. He's still really small but I think the worst is behind us."
"That's good. Are you going to Pete and Rachel's wedding?"
I nodded. "We're all planning on going. That's part of the reason we came this year. Last year, Lois was too sick and this year... With everything with Nate, we'd planned on staying home but I didn't want to miss their wedding." I was surprised at how easily I mentioned Lois' name and how little reaction Lana had when I did.
"Well, I guess I'll see you there then." She turned and headed towards the store.
"Lana," I said quietly and she turned to look at me. "Congratulations on the job. You'll do great. I know you will."
"Thanks." She turned away and headed inside.
I went back to the truck and headed towards the farm. I was surprised at the lack of... whatever when I saw Lana. Something. I was happy for her. This was going to be her dream job. Small class, little kids, she'd be in her element.
I pulled into the drive and laughed as I saw Christopher trying to help Dad. I remembered when I'd tried the same thing with Pop Pop – with about as much success.
I headed inside with the bag of groceries, still chuckling.
"He loves it," Mom said, as I glanced out the window to watch them.
"I know. He loved it when I was little, too, didn't he?"
"Well, you were older when we moved in here, but yeah. He loved having you help him. He loved having a son."
"Do you ever wish you'd been able to have his baby?" I asked quietly.
Mom stared out the window at Dad and Christopher for a long moment. "I think there's part of me that always wanted to have Chris' baby and later your Dad's. But we had you. We all loved you as if you'd been our own. And I have to admit, having seen what Lois has gone through, I’m not sure I'd want to go through all that. She'd be the first to say it was all worth it though. Dad and I tried to get pregnant, you know. We never used birth control and figured I'd get pregnant pretty easily. We didn't want to wait because there was going to be at least a six year gap between you and a baby anyway."
She let out a deep sigh and I wrapped my arm around her. She wrapped hers around my waist and rested her head against me.
"I never knew that," I said.
She nodded. "We didn't tell you because we didn't want you getting your hopes up until I was pregnant. We finally had some tests run and it turned out that it wasn't going to happen for us. We both shed some tears over it, clung to each other and came through it stronger than ever. And we had you so it wasn't like we were completely childless..."
"I'm sorry, Mom."
"I'm not," she said, the steel in her voice surprising me. "You were enough and another kid would have made it more difficult when you were changing so much. Don’t get me wrong – we would have loved another baby as much as we loved you, but we learned to be content with the life we were given. We were given so much. If it hadn't been for your parents sending you to us, we wouldn't have had you either. We decided to be thankful for what we had rather than dwell on what we didn't."
The back door banged open. "Daddy! I he'p G'am's!"
I laughed. "I see that, bud. You're a mess. Let's go clean you up before you mess up Gran's kitchen." I grabbed him around the waist and carried him upside down towards the bathroom.
I could hear the laughter coming from behind me and I was grateful that Mom and Chris had found me and that Dad had been able to accept all that went with raising me without blinking an eye.
The squirming bundle was deposited in the tub and before long the tub was a mess instead of him.
*****
TBC
