Last time:
Clark
"No," Mom said slowly. "You can't *make* yourself *fall* in love with her, but you can decide *to* love her. There's a big difference. Maybe you're just still too young to realize it."
"I *do* love her. She's my best friend, though we've had more than our share of rough patches the last three and a half years. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to find someone who loves her like she deserves to be loved – like you two, or you and Chris, Mom, or Sam and Ellen. Like Nana and Pop Pop. I want her to be *happy*."
"How does she feel about all this?" Dad asked.
I shrugged. "She told me on our second anniversary that she was in love with me, but not to worry about her – she'd be over it by the time Christopher's fifth birthday rolled around. I don't know if she still is or not, but I think she'd be willing to give us a real shot if she thought I was really committed to making it work, but..." I sighed. "I don't want to short-change her either. That was the big fight you heard, Mom, right before Nate's surgery. She said that we needed to end things then – because the option was to hurt all of us then or hurt us all worse in two more years. She even offered to be the one to leave. We'd always talked about me leaving, but that was before we realized that Christopher was probably my son. That time, she offered to go. But ending things between us would mean that Navance's claim on Christopher wouldn't expire on his fifth birthday. That's what I couldn’t tell you about." I sighed. "I probably still shouldn't, but I have the feeling my marriage is over, so it probably doesn't matter. We just kind of dropped it with everything with Nate."
The grip they had on each others' hand had tightened as I spoke. I was sure their heads were spinning, too.
Mine sure was.
"The plan was always for you to split up," Dad finally said. "But you also said that it's probably not what Lois really wants. What about you? You said you don't want to leave your sons. You said she offered to leave. Would she give you custody of the boys?"
I shrugged. "Maybe. But they need her. They love her and she needs them, too."
"What about you?" Mom asked. "Do you need her?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know how.
*~*135*~*
~~~~~
Lois
~~~~~
I wasn't quite sure what made me bring Lana into the conversation – especially when I was pretty sure the relationship was dead as far as she was concerned but I did. Maybe I wanted to see his reaction.
Or maybe I was a glutton for punishment.
Clark moved next to me. "I wish it had happened sooner, too," he said. "And Lana has nothing to do with why. I’m glad it's over for you and for Christopher."
And if it had happened sooner, then maybe he and Lana would have worked out after all. Especially if it had happened before Nate.
I stood up suddenly. "Me, too. I'm going to go find Daddy and let him know. Do you want to call your parents or should I?"
He thought about it for a minute. "I think I'll go see them if that's okay with you. I'd like to tell them in person."
I shrugged. "Fine by me."
He hesitated. "Do you want to come?"
I shook my head. "No, you go."
I turned and left. I heard the door to the outside shut. He was gone.
I made it to the library before I sunk to the floor and let the tears flow freely.
"Lois?"
I could hear Daddy calling to me, but I just couldn't answer.
"Princess?" He found me. "What's wrong?"
I couldn't answer him through the tears.
"Princess?" A second later, he was on the floor next to me, holding me in his arms and rocking with me like he had when I was little and I'd freaked out after Mom and Lucy's accident.
I didn't know how long he rocked with me, but the sobs finally slowed from a torrent to a trickle.
"What is it, Princess? Where's Clark?"
"Navance is dead," I managed to get out between hiccups. "Clark's talking to his parents, telling them."
"This is good, right?"
I nodded. "Christopher's safe. That's the most important thing."
It was. That was what really mattered.
My son was safe.
"So what is it? This is more than just relief."
I just sat there for a long time, letting him hold me, feeling safe.
"It also means my marriage is over," I finally said. "We always said as soon as Christopher turned five, it would be over, unless something happened to Navance before then."
He sighed. "I wondered. I talked to Clark about it after Nate was born, but he never told me what the plan was after five years," he said.
I shrugged. "We're over. We never really were; we never started. The only time there was really an *us* was the night after your heart attack. I wouldn't trade Nate for anything, you know that, but at the same time, I don’t think it would hurt as bad if it hadn't happened. If I didn't know what it was like to be with him like that; if I didn't have that memory. Or if I'd never fallen in love with him. Or if I'd had two more years to get over being in love with him like I thought I had."
I sniffled and huddled a bit closer to him. "I think I'm going to move back in to my old room. I can't stay in there. I told Clark a long time ago he could have custody of the boys."
"Do you really want that?"
"No, but I can't stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me. And the boys need him and he loves them and they love him so much. They need to be with him more than they need to be with me. I'm sure we can work out some sort of visitation or whatever, but I can't stay here. Not right now." I swiped at my cheeks. "Will you let him stay here with them for a while? I can't stay – even if I did have custody, I don’t think I could stay here – not where I spent my life with Clark. Not right now. I want to find an apartment or something not too far away, but not here. I can't stay here."
"Your boys do need you, Lois. They love you and they need you, but if this is what you really decide to do, they can stay as long as they want, but, sweetie, are you sure you don't want to fight for him?"
"I'm not going to fight him. If he wants custody – and I'm sure he does – then he can have it. I won't put the boys through a custody battle. However he wants to set it up I'll live with."
"No, honey. Not fight him – fight *for* him, for your relationship, for your marriage."
"He doesn't want to stay, I'm not going to try to make him. I'm not going to try to keep him using sex or anything like that. If he wants to stay, if he *really* wants to make this work, then sure. But that's not what he wants. Even if the Clark and Lana thing isn't going to happen, he doesn't love me. Not like that." I sniffled. "I've known this was coming for a long time. I've thought about it. If you'll let them stay here so it disrupts the boys as little as possible, I'd appreciate it."
"Are you *sure*?" I could hear the pain in his voice – pain on my behalf.
I nodded. "I'm sure." I swiped at my face. "I think I'm going to go start moving everything."
"What are you going to tell Christopher?"
I shrugged. "I don't know yet. We'll figure something out, I guess." I'd heard Jessica taking the boys upstairs a few minutes earlier. "He's napping now, I'd guess, so no need to tell him anything for the moment."
Daddy sighed then nodded, resigned. "Okay. Do you want me to help you?"
I shook my head. "It won't be hard – just move my clothes to my old dresser."
"I'm not sure I agree with you, but let me help you."
I sighed. "Okay."
I went upstairs to the closet in my new-old room and started pulling everything out of drawers. I stuck Clarkie Bear in one of the buckets that had winter clothes in it. Daddy had gone to get the hand truck and some more buckets or something to put my clothes in. I stacked the three buckets of winter clothes on it and he 'drove' them over to my old-new room.
The buckets of maternity clothes would either stay or go in storage somewhere – they weren't going with me, that was for sure.
While he took the winter clothes, I started throwing other clothes into the buckets, not particularly caring about neatness. By the time Daddy made it back, the dresser was mostly empty.
He started on his next trip and I started on hanging clothes. I had two handfuls of hangers when I left the room. I passed Daddy in the hall and tossed the clothes on the bed. Two more trips finished everything from the closet.
My next stop was the bathroom – everything of mine went into another tub. Books and assorted other miscellaneous went into another bucket. I looked around and thought I had everything out of there. Daddy was back with the hand truck and loaded those two buckets on there.
I grabbed my purse, my briefcase and my laptop bag and headed towards the room I'd grown-up in. I sighed and rested my hand on the door as I closed it behind me.
It was over.
It had never really started.
It had only really existed in my dreams.
Daddy finished taking the last load to my room. "Are you really sure about this, Princess?"
I nodded. "I'm sure."
He gave me a long hug and kissed my forehead. "I love you, Lois."
"I know, Daddy. I love you, too."
He left a minute later and I locked the door behind him. I didn’t want Clark coming in without notice or anything.
I sighed and started to unpack everything – hanging the clothes up in the closet and filling drawers long empty. It didn't take long and I sighed as I dug Clarkie Bear out of the bucket he was in.
I curled up on my bed and held the black and white bear to me as the tears came again.
I'd sprayed it lightly with Clark's cologne once, so it smelled like him. It was all I had left.
Well, I had Christopher and Nate, but they were going to be living here with Clark until he found a place of his own, I was sure. Or would they just live here forever? When Clark moved on with someone else? Would he still live here? Share our room with her – whoever her was? Would Daddy let him if he remarried? Would I end up an unwelcome near-stranger in the house I grew up in?
I didn't know how long the tears lasted, but I finally dried my cheeks and pulled out my laptop. I hit a few websites buying replacements for things that would hurt too much to keep now – my briefcase that Clark had bought me, my digital recorder from him.
I wouldn’t get to go on the NCIS trip now either. Unless I went by myself, of course. And I didn't think I'd want to do that.
I got on the Planet's apartment listings and found one that I liked on Carter Avenue. I called and left a message with Mr. Tracewski, the manager. I hoped he'd get back to me soon.
When that was done, I settled back down on the bed, curled up under the covers with Clarkie Bear and closed my eyes. The magnitude of the day overwhelmed me and I was soon asleep.
It was about the farthest thing from restful there could be.
The nap was plagued with dreams of kidnappings and evil dictators coming back from the dead and chasing me and Christopher and Nate.
Christopher and Nate leaving to go live with the undead psychopath because they wanted to live with him and not me.
Clark in a cage lined with that green rock, writhing in agony.
The boys in there with him.
Mindy taunting me as she walked down the aisle with Daddy.
All of Clark's family sneering as Clark – laughing – took Christopher and Nate to live in Smallville with Lana.
Me locked in an 1800s home for the criminally insane after being convicted of drug smuggling to Latislan.
A world where Clark married Lana after our freshman year and lived happily ever after.
A world where Clark and I both died on the way to the cabin.
A world where I died and Clark lived.
A world where Clark died and I lived and everyone blamed me for the loss of their hero.
Lara and Jor-El, looking a lot like Martha and Jonathan, yelling at me for ruining their son's life – they'd sent him to *Kansas* to be with *Lana*.
Martha and Jonathan taking the boys away from me.
Clark telling me the world would be a better place without me.
I sat up with a start, sweat dripping off of me.
My breathing slowly returned to normal, though I was sure my heart was still racing.
I grabbed some clothes out of the dresser and headed towards the bathroom. First, a shower to wash the sweat off and then a long bath to try to relax.
I didn't know how long I soaked and I didn't know how long Clark had been gone. And I didn't care.
I *did* care that the boys were probably without either parent at the moment. Their lives were turning upside down and they had no clue.
I couldn’t bring myself to go find them though. I wouldn't be able to deal with the questions Christopher would ask about my tear stained cheeks.
I did finally get a text from Dad asking if I was hungry. I told him no. He sent another one back saying that Clark wasn't around and did I know where he was – Christopher was asking. I told him I had no idea.
That was the truth. I knew he'd gone to Smallville but I had no idea if he was still there or if he'd flown off to the Himalayas or what.
I tried not to wonder what it meant that he wasn't back yet.
Was he out doing loop-de-loops? Melting icebergs? Rescuing seals from Great Whites on the Barrier Reef?
Talking to Lana?
That seemed to be the most likely and she was even still in Metropolis. Apparently, her advisor had advised her wrong and she had to take an intersession class to finish out her coursework.
I toweled off and got dressed, curling up in a big chair to watch a DVD or read a book or something. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do, so I ended up staring into space until night fell.
My phone buzzed with another text message. Bedtime for the boys. Did I want to tuck them in? Clark still wasn't back from wherever he went, Daddy said.
Did I *want* to tuck them in?
On what was probably one of my last nights in the house with them?
Yes.
I was glad it had been a while since I'd actually cried, but I was going to have to dig through the bathroom stuff and put it all away. I just hoped I still had some ibuprofen in there. I thought I might even have a T3 – Tylenol with Codeine – left from when Nate was born.
I headed to the other side of the house.
"Hey, bud," I said as I saw Christopher sitting on his toddler bed.
He crossed his arms and refused to look at me.
I sat on the floor next to his bed. "What's wrong?"
"You say we go ou'si'." His tone was accusatory.
"I know, but something happened and Mom had to do some other stuff today.
He laid down in a huff. "I no yike, Mommy."
My heart broke anew and tears I didn't think I still had streaked down my cheeks. "I love you, Christopher. I always have and I always will."
He turned away from me and pulled his covers over his head. Part of me knew he didn't really mean it, but the rest of me was heartbroken.
Nate was already asleep so I just brushed his hair back off his face, pressing a kiss to the tips of my fingers and then onto his head. "I love you, Nate."
I went back to Christopher's bed and sat back down by it. "Will you talk to me for a minute?"
There was no response.
"I love you, bud. More than you'll ever know."
I pulled the top of his blanket down far enough that I could kiss the top of his dark head.
Tears continued to fall as I made my way back to my room and crawled under the covers of my bed, hugging Clarkie Bear to me and cried myself to sleep.
Alone.
*****
TBC
