Am sort of in a rush right now and wanted to make sure to get this up, but will be back on this evening and get to feedback from the last chapter…
Not sure when the next chapter will be up – I'm aiming for Friday as I think I may not be online much next weekend, but I'm not sure.
Thank you as always to Kelly, Carol, and Beth for all their help!
From Chapter 23
Chad sighed as he rested his head on mine. “I know. But… I feel like we're losing something, you know. All the stuff we just talked about – isn't it weird that we never did before? And I know so little about what you're currently working on. I miss telling you the minutiae of my day. I feel like we often only hit the high points now,” he said sadly.
“Me, too,” I agreed.
“It's weird,” Chad said softly. “When I'm going about my day, I often think of things in terms of how I'll tell them to you later, but then… I just often don't.”
“I know,” I nodded. It was true. I spent more time talking to Chad in my head now than I did in real life. That was why… I took a deep breath.
“Chad, I know this isn't the best time for this conversation, but since I'm not coming this weekend, I guess… I just wanted to say this. Give us time to think about it before we have a chance to talk about it.”
“What?” Chad asked and I could tell he was alarmed.
“I don't…” I picked my head up off his shoulder. I couldn't decide if it was better to look at him when I said this or to touch him. I put my head back down as I realized I couldn't look in his eyes while I said this. “Chad, I don't think this is working.”
Chapter 24
“Are you okay?” Clark asked as he set me down in an alley near the apartment.
I nodded. I knew I had been quiet during the ride home and ignoring the sights. I normally loved flying with Clark, so it wasn't surprising that he hadn't missed my behavior. Despite that, I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. There were so many thoughts going through my head, I wasn't sure I'd be able to sort them out to explain anyway.
“Thanks, Clark,” I told him as we reached my door and I opened the lock.
“I'm sorry, Lois,” he whispered.
I smiled at him slightly, shaking my head. “For what? You've been great. This is just hard.”
Clark nodded to show he understood before I closed the door.
I peeled my shoes and socks off as soon as I got in the door. I wanted to shower desperately. It was completely ridiculous – showering wasn't going to change anything. But I wanted some distance from the conversation we had just had.
I realized now that I shouldn't have said anything yet. I just scared him. Chad had been so sure that I was saying I couldn't be with him anymore and I wasn't. When I said it wasn't working, I hadn't meant our marriage. I meant living half a continent apart from each other. I did tell him that, but it was like once I had said the scary words, Chad had a hard time getting past my first sentence.
I couldn't stop picturing his face in my mind. He looked so hurt. Showering was not providing the distance I had sought. I felt like I had brought Chad in here with me - and not in a good way.
Still, I did really think it was a good idea to think about this before we talked. We had options. None of them were ideal, but we did have them. I wanted time to think them through rationally and I wasn't sure we could do that together. I sighed as I dried off. How were we going to do this?
************************
“Lois,” Clark called and I realized this was not the first time he had called my name.
“Sorry,” I said, but I think it was patently obvious that I wasn't sorry.
Clark laughed lightly. “Are you here today? Maybe I should have taken you to Smallville anyway.”
“Very funny,” I said with a weak smile. “I'm sorry. I'm just… What were you saying?”
Clark sighed. “I'm just trying to determine what to make of this mess of paper. I'm not sure what is useful here and what isn't.”
I nodded my understanding, but my mind was elsewhere. Had I ruined Chad's day, too? Was he trying to think through how we were going to get through this or was he still convinced that I was saying I didn't want to be with him anymore?
That wasn't what I was saying, was it? No, I'm sure it wasn't. I wanted to be with Chad – whatever it took.
Whatever it took? What if it meant giving up my job here and moving to Smallville?
“Lois!” Clark called and I could tell he was starting to get annoyed.
“I'm sorry,” I said putting my head down on my desk. “I can't do this today. I know this is lousy timing, but Clark, I can't. My marriage is falling apart.”
“What?” Clark put his papers down and came over to sit in my guest chair. He put his hand on my arm and looked like the research he had been doing was now the last thing on his mind. “What's going on?”
“I don't know,” I told him, hearing the tears in my voice. “I just… I can't keep doing this. I feel so disconnected from Chad. Did you know he was going to Wichita twice a week?” Clark shook his head. “Neither did I. My husband is going to another hospital twice a week and I had no idea. How does that happen?”
“I'm sorry,” Clark said softly. “We have been busy.”
“It's not just that,” I insisted. “I've been busy before. I've still found time to talk to Chad. It's just… when we're in the same house it's easy to talk over dinner or while getting ready for bed at night. We haven't been very good at this new thing where we carve time out to talk each night.”
“That can be difficult, but you get used to it,” Clark said.
“I don't want to get used to it!” I practically yelled, and then took a deep breath. Clark was only a few feet away and the newsroom was empty on this Saturday afternoon. There was no need to shout. “I don't want to get used to it.” I repeated more quietly.
“What is it you want to do?” Clark asked me.
I shrugged. “I have no idea. Any suggestions?”
************************
December 1994
One look at him and I could tell Chad had not been sleeping any better than I had.
“Hi,” he said quietly and with none of the surprise I might have expected given that I hadn't told him I was coming by tonight. After spending the weekend going around in circles, I realized I needed to see Chad. My original idea of thinking this over independently didn't make sense. We had to discuss this and make this decision as a couple as we always had in the past.
“Hi,” I replied, my greeting not any more energetic than Chad's had been.
“I wasn't expecting you tonight,” he said.
“I know. I felt like we had to talk. Is this a bad time?”
Chad sank onto the couch and placed his head in his hands. “You need to ask? You need to ask if this is a bad time for us to talk?” he asked me. Even from the door I could see that his eyes were covered with tears. “Lois, you are my wife. You are the most important person in my life. I…” he paused and took a deep breath. “There's never a bad time for you to talk to me. I can't believe we've really gotten to a point where you feel the need to ask.”
I nodded, the tears in my eyes falling to my cheeks as I did. “I know. I… It just felt like an appropriate question,” I said as I came over to sit beside him.
Chad moved over to wrap me in his arms. “I know,” he said quietly into my hair.
“I'm sorry,” I whispered. “I thought it would be helpful to think things through separately, but I realize now that I was wrong. I never meant to upset you. I never meant that I don't want to be with you anymore,” I said, tears now streaming down my cheeks.
“I know,” Chad said pulling away to brush my tears away. “I know that's not what you meant. You just… took me by surprise.” He pulled me close to him again. “I knew that this was hard on you – as hard as it was on me. But for some reason I didn't expect you to decide things had to change so fast.”
“I feel like we're drifting further and further apart,” I admitted. “I'm afraid of what will happen if we wait.”
“Me, too,” Chad said, sighing as he held me tighter.
I pulled away. “I'm going to wash my face and then maybe we can try to talk through this? Together?”
Chad nodded. “I'll come with you,” he smiled, pointing to his own tear stained face.
Five minutes later we were on the couch. Chad had put chocolate ice cream into two bowls, topped with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. For fortitude, he said.
“Okay,” Chad said. “This arrangement isn't working.” I could tell he was trying not to get emotional, and I appreciated it. There was no way I would be able to refrain from crying if he started again.
“But we have lots of options,” I said.
“Such as?” Chad asked, grinning at me. I knew he always found it funny that I tried to solve things by making lists. It was a tactic he employed, too, but due to my habit of getting bogged down in details, I often got waylaid doing this and Chad found it funny. This time I was committed to not doing that. I was going to stay on track, and we were going to work through things.
“Well, one option – we keep doing what we're doing and assume we'll come out okay in the end,” I said.
Chad nodded.
“Or you move back to Metropolis,” I said slowly. This was clearly the best option for me, but I already was very clear on the fact that it was not the best option for Chad.
Chad nodded again, but did not tell me that this was out of the question which surprised me.
“I could move here,” I said hesitantly, watching his face closely. I was ready for it to light up like a Christmas tree, but he remained impassive.
“Or we could try to find someplace else. Some mid-sized town where the hospital system would be more like here, but the town would be… more interesting than Smallville,” I finished lamely.
Chad laughed. “Smallville is not that boring,” he smiled at me. “But I know what you mean. I read the Smallville Press at the hospital and it's not exactly chock full of the types of stories you really like to write.” His smile slowly disappeared as he started to concentrate on the task at hand. “So,” he said after a pause. “Pros and cons of each option?”
I nodded. “Should we be writing this down?” I asked.
Chad shook his head. “I don't think so. I think we can do this without it turning into some sort of homework assignment. So, pros of doing what we're doing,” he started us off.
“You love your job,” I said.
“And you love yours,” Chad pointed out.
“The Kents,” I said, smiling. It was weird that they counted as a positive, but they did. “All of them,” I added. “Clark and his parents.”
Chad smiled. “Yeah, they are great, aren't they? It is one negative about the option you didn't mention – where I move to a different small city closer to Metropolis, but we continue to live apart.”
I shook my head. “Given how fast Clark can transport us and how great it is for you to be able to stay here rent free, that doesn't make much sense.”
Chad nodded to show his agreement.
“Similarly, I think the idea of my moving to Wichita or Kansas City doesn't make sense either,” I said. “While I'm sure the papers are closer to the Daily Planet than the Smallville Press, we can't really ask Clark to come get me there and take me here.”
Chad looked up. “It is an option, though. I go to Wichita twice a week.”
“I don't want to only see you twice a week,” I said. “Con number one for both that idea and keeping things as they are.”
“I think the option of keeping things as they are is out anyway,” Chad said. “It puts our marriage at risk too much. I don't want to come out of this loving my job but having lost you.”
“Me neither,” I said, hearing the tears I'd done such a good job of staving off coming on.
“More ice cream?” Chad asked me with a slight grin.
“No,” I said, putting a big spoonful into my mouth. I got whip cream on my lip, Chad started laughing, and my tears dried up.
“Okay,” Chad said. “So we've eliminated that option.”
I nodded. “And I think we should eliminate all options of us moving closer together, but not living together as they're too similar to what we currently have. With Clark at our disposal, the distance just isn't an issue.”
Chad smiled, “At least as long as he's willing to do that.”
“But all the options we have left don't include free trips on the Superman Express,” I pointed out.
“Okay,” Chad said, taking a breath. “I move back to Metropolis. Obvious pro, we're together.”
“And we've decided that's the most important thing,” I said.
“Definitely,” Chad agreed.
“The biggest con is that you go back to a job you hate,” I said.
“I could move to a different hospital maybe,” Chad said.
“Would it really be that different?” I asked.
“Probably not. But you'd get to keep a job that you love,” Chad smiled.
“And my moving here is the same thing, except that you get the job that you love, and I move to one that I'm not sure I'd like,” I said.
“And you'd need to learn to cook,” Chad teased me.
“Very funny,” I said. “So, mid-sized town?”
Chad sighed. “Would that really work, or would that just be both of us unhappy in the hopes of being happy?”
I shrugged.
“It's not like you don't know the answer, Lois,” Chad chided me. “Do you not remember what you say about the Union-Trib whenever we visit Lucy?”
“It's okay,” I said softly. In reality, I moan whenever I'm out there. The San Diego Union-Tribune is an okay paper, but in some ways it's worse than the Smallville Press. At least the Smallville Press doesn't try to pass itself off as a global paper. You know if you live in Smallville and you want world news you need to buy the Planet. Or if you're stupid, the New York Times. But the Trib actually tries to pass itself off as being a competitor with the Planet. As if.
Chad raised an eyebrow at me knowingly.
“Okay,” I smiled. “Maybe the paper wouldn't be as good.”
“And we've been to the hospital there,” Chad reminded me. “When Ethan broke his arm.”
“I know. But that was just…” I trailed off. I was about to point out it was just the ER and the pediatrics unit, since Lucy's son, Ethan, was less than two at the time, but then I realized how stupid that was. Was there another area of the hospital Chad would care about? “You're right. The hospital was only slightly less crazy than Met General.”
Chad sighed. “So, what do we do?”
I put my bowl down and moved over to him, snuggling against his side. “I think it's time for me to move here.”
“What?” Chad asked, clearly surprised.
“I think I should move to Smallville.”
“Lois, that's crazy!” Chad said. “You wouldn't be happy.”
“Maybe I would be,” I insisted. “You were happy for a few years in Metropolis, right? Maybe I'm not giving Smallville a fair chance.”
“Lois,” Chad said, but I could tell he was weakening.
“No,” I said sitting up and taking his hands in mine. “Chad you lived in Metropolis for years just for me. Now it's my turn to move some place for you.”
“Lois,” Chad said, squeezing my hands. “You don't need to do this.”
“I know,” I said. “I want to.”
