I am so sorry. I know I haven't posted in the longest time. It was a bunch of things all together in the past two weeks – I got sick, twice, I was working crazy hours – much later than my typical bed time (which probably did not help the getting sick thing), and I had friend in town last weekend which killed all of Saturday (and then I worked all day Sunday).
Anyway, I purposely worked late tonight (just finished) so I could have tomorrow off (Sunday, too, but I have plans for Sunday). So, I'm posting this tonight and will post the next part tomorrow to make up for the week I lost.
As always, huge “thank you”s go out to Beth, Kelly, and Carol who act as both beta readers and cheerleaders – making me actually consider getting some writing done even when tired and, of course, making this fit for others to see.
From Chapter 28
I was a coward. That's the only explanation for it. I mean, clearly, I was having the thoughts before that. I mentioned them to Clark when we were in Colombia. Instead of telling Chad what I was thinking, though, I thought about it constantly, but said nothing.
I wondered if this is what it was like for Chad when he was thinking of trying to leave Met General. Why were we so afraid to tell each other that we were unhappy? Clark was right. We loved each other. I know Chad didn't want me to be unhappy anymore than I was okay finding out that he was unhappy…
Until about a week before Memorial Day. It was a quiet night – we were both home early and had no evening plans. I had made pasta for dinner – using jarred sauce, it was even an edible dinner. We were sitting at the table not talking which was rare for us when Chad looked up at me. In a completely calm voice he asked, “So how long are you going to wait to tell me that you're miserable here?”
Chapter 29
I glanced up from my pasta. “What?” It was a stupid response – I knew that, but I was caught off guard.
“Come on, Lois,” Chad said gently. “I'm not blind. I've known you for fourteen years. I can tell when you're not happy.”
I still didn't say anything, not sure of what to say. Was I surprised that he noticed? Well, sort of, but only because I thought I had been hiding it well. On the other hand, it wasn't a complete shock. I mean no one knew me better than Chad.
“Lois,” Chad's voice dropped to be even softer. “Please say something. It's okay that you're not happy. It's not even surprising. I know the Press doesn't even compare to the Planet.”
“But I love you,” I said softly feeling the tears start to fall down my cheeks. Were they just waiting for the conversation to start or something?
Besides, I knew he wanted me to say something, but what could I say? He was right. I was unhappy. I had no idea what to do about it, though.
“Oh, honey,” Chad said reaching out to pull me towards him. He put me on his lap and held me close. “I know you do. I never questioned that.”
I leaned against him, feeling sort of glad that he knew I loved him, but sort of unaffected. It wasn't like I thought he didn't know and it still did nothing to help me determine the best way to move on from here. “But what are we going to do?” I asked him. “I don't want to be apart from you.”
“I don't want to be apart from you either,” Chad whispered into my hair.
“Tell me we won't,” I pleaded, leaning away to look him in the eye. “Promise me that we'll find a solution that ends up with us being together.” I couldn't bear the idea of us deciding to live apart, but I also couldn't see a good way around our current predicament.
“Of course we will,” Chad said. “We'll move back to Metropolis.”
I shook my head. What was he talking about? That wasn't an option. Did he think I didn't know how much happier he was here? “We can't do that,” I said. “You're so much happier here.”
“When you're here, yes,” Chad said. “But not if you're unhappy.”
I nodded. It was exactly how I felt about Metropolis. “So, honestly,” I said, looking into his eyes to make sure he would have to be completely honest with me, “where are you happier – here alone or in Metropolis with me?”
“In Metropolis with you,” Chad said without hesitation.
“But for long term? Forever?” I asked, a little afraid of the answer.
Chad paused before answering which made my tears come faster. That was a sign, wasn't it? After a sigh, Chad quietly said, “I think so… I hope so. Lois, I love you so much.”
“I know you do,” I smiled at him. “I never questioned that.” He smirked at me. “But I don't know. I can't decide if I'm happier long term in Metropolis alone or here with you.”
Chad leaned forward to rest his head against my shoulder. “So what do we do?”
“I don't know,” I admitted. “It's part of why I didn't say anything. I don't know how we move on from here.” I hated every part of this conversation. Did I really want to keep living here being miserable? Well, no, but I was more than a little worried about what the outcome of this conversation was going to be.
In an effort to postpone the conversation, I got up and moved to put the dishes from dinner away. It was clear we weren't going to eat anymore tonight anyway. Chad joined me and we cleaned up in silence.
Finally, after all the dishes were put away and cleaned by hand – even though we usually put as much as possible in the dishwasher – we couldn't postpone any longer and moved to the couch.
“So,” Chad said as we sat down. He moved a bit closer to me to take my hand. “What do we do now?”
“I don't know,” I said, even though I knew I had said this before. What else was there to say, though?
“Lois…” Chad said before taking a deep breath, “I meant it. I'll move back to Metropolis.”
“I know you will,” I said quietly taking in the sincerity of his words, but also his choice of words. He did not say that he would be happy to move back to Metropolis – not that I would have believed him if he said that. “And I'd stay here,” I told him. “But neither of those solutions makes us both happy.”
“Is there a solution that does?” Chad asked.
I shook my head. I couldn't put to words the conclusion we were coming to.
“I don't want to be apart from you,” Chad whispered, drawing me closer to kiss me.
“Me neither,” I said, tasting the tears, although I wasn't sure whose tears they were.
“But that's what we're agreeing to, isn't it?” Chad whispered.
I nodded my head. “How can we decide to do this?” I asked hearing the anguish in my voice, but not sure that there was any way to hide it. It was what I was feeling.
“I have no idea,” Chad said trying to swipe the tears away from his face, but they were coming too fast for that to have any effect. “Maybe we could just do it as a trial?”
I shook my head. “Isn't that what we were doing when you first moved here?” I thought for a moment. “Do you remember what Linda said when she and Ted were going through all that stuff in college?”
Chad thought for a moment before he said, “She said she wanted it to just be over so that she could work through it and move on.”
I nodded. “I don't really feel that way now, but I understand the point. Living in limbo is harder to deal with than living with a failed relationship.”
“So this is it then,” Chad said, swiping at his face again. “You're going to move to Metropolis and we're going to…”
Neither of us said anything for a moment. “Then we're going to…” I trailed off. I took a deep breath. “Split up,” I added quietly, no longer able to see Chad through my own tears.
“Are we sure?” Chad asked. “I love you. You love me. How can divorce be the best option?”
“I don't know,” I sniffled.
“This is what Clark meant,” Chad said softly. “When he said he loved Rachel too much to stay with her.”
I nodded before leaning forward to kiss him. “Is this the last time I'm going to get to do this?” I whispered against his lips.
“No,” he whispered back. “It can't be.”
We slowly made our way upstairs, but our love making was different that night – full of sniffling and tears. We were slow, as if we needed to memorize every part of our actions. While I knew realistically that I wasn't going to leave tomorrow, so this probably wouldn't be the last time, I felt like time was running out and I know Chad did, too.
************************
“Can you come pick me up sometime today?” I asked Clark over the phone.
“Sure,” Clark said and I could hear his smile over the phone. “Any reason?”
“I can tell you when you get here,” I said.
“Do you have a cold?” he asked me.
“No.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, and now I could hear nothing but concern in his voice.
“No.”
The line got quiet and I waited for Clark to say something. Anything. “Clark?” No answer. Staring at the phone curiously, I moved toward the door to answer the doorbell.
“What's wrong?” he asked as soon as I opened the door.
I gave a giggle and then sniffled again. “It's weird being friends with Superman,” I said.
Clark shrugged. “What's wrong?” he asked again.
“We're finished,” I whispered, backing into the room to sit on the couch after hanging up the phone.
“Who's finished? With what?” Clark asked taking the seat beside me and placing a hand on mine.
“Chad and I. This isn't working. I hate it here. He hates it in Metropolis. We… what was it you said – we love each other too much to make the other person live where we want to. So, we're finished.” I was impressed by my ability to get all the words out without bursting into tears again.
“Oh, Lois,” Clark said as he moved closer to wrap his arms around me and the tears I had been expecting a moment earlier came.
“I love him,” I said into Clark's chest. “How can this be the best solution?”
“I don't know,” Clark whispered. “I'm so sorry, Lois. I wish I could do something.”
I pulled back to swipe at my cheeks. “When Chad first moved here, your mom told me that she knew Chad and I would make it. That whatever we decided to do, she was sure we would decide to do it together. Do you think she knew a solution we don't?”
Clark shrugged. “I don't know. Have you asked her?”
I shook my head. “I haven't told anyone else yet.”
“Come on,” Clark said, getting up and tugging on my hand. “I'll take you to the farm.”
************************
“What's this?” Martha asked as she straightened up from cleaning a corner of the barn. “Are you two off to some exotic locale for another interview?” she asked. The smile fell off her face as she stepped closer to us. “Lois? What's wrong?”
“I'm going to go help Dad for awhile,” Clark said quietly, leaving the barn.
“Lois?” Martha prodded again.
This time I didn't do as good a job as I did with Clark and burst into tears before I could speak. “When Chad first moved into the cottage,” I said between sniffles, “you told me that whatever happened, you knew Chad and I would come through together in the end.”
Martha nodded as she took my hand and led me to a bench outside. “I did.”
“What did you think we would do?” I asked her. “How would we manage to stay together when he's so happy here and I hate it?”
“I…” Martha looked at me in alarm. “I'm not sure, honey. I just knew that being together would be important to both of you.”
“It is,” I admitted, sniffling again. “But we can't make it work. We agreed to… I'm moving back to Metropolis.”
Martha closed her eyes tightly and I could see that our decision pained her, but then she moved closer to wrap her arms around me. “Are you sure that's what will make you happiest?”
“No,” I said. “But being here is making me miserable. And Chad can't come back to Metropolis. He's so much happier here. He belongs here. I don't.”
“I'm sorry,” Martha said softly.
“But I thought… I always thought that where we belonged first and foremost was together,” I said, hating the whiny sound in my voice. “How could I have been so wrong?”
Martha said nothing, just rocked me back and forth until the tears slowed.
************************
June 1995
“I'm going to wash my face before I go in,” I told Clark as we exited the elevator at the Planet.
“Okay. I'm going back to my desk, but let me know when you're ready to go back to Smallville,” he said with a small smile.
A moment later, I entered the newsroom. This place felt like home to me the first time I had entered it. I remembered that I had thought no place could ever be more comfortable than here - except for the inside of Chad's embrace. Still, when forced to choose, this place had won over Chad. I looked around trying to find the source of that comfort so I could do some sort of logical analysis of how I had come to this. But it was just a large room filled with the sound of lots of people typing. It had nothing to recommend it over my husband's side. And still, I was choosing this place.
“Lois!” Jimmy came up the ramp smiling at me and distracting me from my thoughts. “You didn't mention you were planning to visit today. I'm heading these over to Star Labs. Will you be here when I get back?”
“I think so,” I nodded.
“Great!” he smiled at me before heading for the elevators.
I took one last breath before moving over to Perry's door and knocking.
“Is there never a break…” Perry ranted as he opened the door, but broke off when he saw me. “Lois!” he said, his face breaking into a smile. “What are you doing here?”
“Did you mean it?” I asked him. “When you said I'd always have a job here?”
“Of course,” Perry said, but he didn't look as pleased as I would have expected. “Do you want one?”
I nodded. “I think I need one,” I admitted.
“So you and Chad are moving back?” Perry asked.
I shook my head. “Just me.”
“Are you…”
I cut him off. “We're… getting a divorce.” I said the word quietly like if I didn't say the word at full volume it wouldn't have the same meaning.
Perry sat down heavily in his chair, not saying anything for a moment. “I'm sorry, darlin',” he finally added, his voice soft.
“Me too,” I admitted. “But,” I tried to plaster a smile to my face, but could feel that it didn't reach my eyes, “I'm so tired of writing about farm subsidies and crop predictions. I'm ready for some real news.”
Perry smiled. “That's my girl. When are you ready to start?”
I sighed. “I'm not sure. I haven't told Rob yet. And I'll need to move my stuff back, but I guess I'll have to wait to have a place to move it to.” I sighed again. I hadn't thought about any of the logistics: having to find a place to live, having to move my stuff – worse - having to sort through our stuff and determine what was mine and what was Chad's. I closed my eyes. I couldn't possibly be ready for this. I could never be ready for this.
“Just let me know, Lois,” Perry said and I was surprised to hear his voice so close. When I opened my eyes, though, he was standing right in front of me, and he placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
************************
“Hi,” Chad was using the same subdued voice I'd been using all day.
“How was the hospital?” I asked him.
“Same as always,” he said as he sat down on the couch. “How was the trip to Metropolis?”
I shrugged. “Perry confirmed that I could have my job back,” I told him. “And I saw Rob this afternoon and told him I was leaving.”
“How'd he take it?” Chad asked and I noticed that he was looking out the window – avoiding my gaze as much as possible.
“He was okay. Said he never really thought he'd be able to keep me happy and was happy to have me while I lasted.”
We lapsed into silence.
“I'll make dinner,” Chad said, getting up.
Dinner showcased Chad's mood as much as anything – he made tuna salad – not exactly his usual near gourmet fare. We ate in silence. Finally as we were putting the dishes away, I asked the question that I know was on both of our minds. “Are you sure this is the right decision?”
Chad looked at the dish in his hand before looking up at me. “No. I'm not sure of anything anymore.”
“Maybe we shouldn't do this,” I whispered as he closed the dishwasher.
“What do we do instead?” Chad asked.
“Decide which one of us gets to be happy?” I asked with an attempt – a failed attempt – at a smile.
“I still feel like I'd be happy as long as I get to be with you. Let me move back to Metropolis with you,” Chad offered again, this time nearly pleading.
“Only if you're really sure that will make you happy in the long term,” I said quietly. “Remember what you said before you came here? How you didn't want to resent me? Are you sure you won't feel that way if you move back to Metropolis?”
“No,” Chad admitted quietly, his eyes filling with tears again. “I don't know that. I just know that this is killing me.”
For a moment, I hesitated. My natural inclination to seeing his tears was to want to hold him. Was that still okay? “Me too,” I admitted to put off the decision. “But it's for the best, isn't it?”
Chad nodded. “I can't believe it, but I think you're right. But Lois… I'm going to miss you so much,” he said, the tears spilling over onto his cheeks. "Oh, screw it,' I thought. He was my husband. I loved him. Was I supposed to dispassionately watch him cry just because he wouldn't be my husband forever? Nothing we'd decided changed how I felt about him. I couldn't just stand there and watch him cry.
“I know,” I told him as I wrapped my arms around him, the tears falling down my own cheeks. “I know because I'm going to miss you just as much.”
