As always, thanks to Beth, Carol, and Kelly for all their help with this chapter!!
From Chapter 33
I nearly ran home, tears streaming down my cheeks. When I first crossed the street I had heard Clark calling after me. I heard him apologize. But I couldn't stop running. I didn't want to see him. Talk to him. What had I done? Or had he done? How could we have done that?
Eventually the sound of his voice stopped. I was sure he was flying above me making sure I got home okay, but at least he had stopped calling after me. I couldn't talk to him right now. How could I?
How could I have done that? Or let him do that? I still wasn't sure who had instigated it. It didn't matter, though. My divorce wasn't even finalized yet. I was still married – to a man I was still in love with, even if it turned out we wanted different things out of life.
How could I have kissed Clark? What was I thinking?
My litany of thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt when I reached the top of the stairs and my doorway was in view, though.
Standing there, with a suitcase in hand, was Chad.
Chapter 34
“Lois,” he was using a louder voice than I had expected, but I still didn't say anything. I hadn't even finished getting up the stairs – one foot was on the landing, but the other was still on the staircase and I couldn't seem to make myself move.
“Lois, I'm sorry,” he said, but I still said nothing.
“Hey.” Now his voice was soft. And in fact, now he was using his voice rather than… I turned around. Clark was behind me. He was the person who had been calling to me before. Of course he was – Clark – the man I had just kissed. Not Chad, my husband. What did he have to be sorry for?
Clark looked past me and saw Chad. I saw the color drain from his face and then suddenly he was all flushed. Interesting. So Kryptonians reacted to embarrassing situations much like humans did. Or was that just a learned trait?
I shook my head. Why was I thinking about this now?
“Hi,” Clark said to Chad, his voice now soft, too.
There was silence for a moment more before I finally managed to make both my feet join me on the landing. “Hi,” I said to Chad, avoiding his eyes as I did so.
“Um… I should go,” Clark nearly whispered behind me. “I'll… um… Lois, call me to talk, okay?” I said nothing, not at all sure what to say, so he added, “Please?” to his words.
Still having trouble speaking, I nodded my head, then turned away to open my door. I motioned for Chad to go inside after all the locks were undone, and then followed him inside myself. Clark was still standing on the landing, and I caught sight of his face when I turned around to close the door. He looked awful – apologetic and sad and… something else I couldn't identify.
I wanted to say something, let him know I wasn't angry at him. Heck, I wasn't even sure he had done anything wrong, so how could I be angry at him? But I couldn't deal with that now. Not with Chad standing behind me. So I said nothing as I closed the door.
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“Is everything okay?” Chad asked softly when I turned around. I looked at him quizzically, but still said nothing. “Something seemed wrong. With you and Clark. Is everything okay?” he clarified.
I nodded and then took a deep breath. “Yeah. It was just an emotional night,” I said. I held up my plastic Kerth. “We won a Kerth.”
“Congratulations,” Chad said warmly, but his eyes didn't quite meet mine. I know he was having the same thought I had had earlier – this was the first one I had won without him beside me.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. “Clark won a second one as well. I think he was a bit overwhelmed.” I wasn't sure that at all explained his behavior – it certainly didn't explain the apology, but hopefully it would suffice.
I was suddenly glad that the wind against my face when I ran home had dried up my tears. I wasn't about to tell Chad about the kiss. It was a mistake anyway. There was no reason to mention it.
“That's great,” Chad said with a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.
“Why are you here?” Hearing the words coming out of my mouth made me flinch. I hadn't meant to be so cold when I asked that. “I'm sorry. I'm just… I wasn't expecting you.”
“I wasn't expecting to be here,” Chad said. “I don't know what happened. I was in Wichita today and I couldn't stop thinking about how easy it would be to get on a plane and see you.”
“But you're all packed,” I mentioned, nodding to the suitcase still in his hand.
He blushed. “I know. I had the idea before now. I just didn't act on it.”
“I don't understand,” I said, although I think that was to delay having to say anything as much as it was true.
“I'm miserable,” Chad said, dropping his suitcase and moving to the couch. “I keep waiting to feel better. To stop missing you so much. But it's not happening. I guess about a week ago, I got the idea of just coming back. So I packed my bag, but then I decided I was being too rash. So the suitcase stayed in the car.
“This morning, though… I don't know. It seemed more real to me that I could just get on a plane and see you. So I did.”
“I've missed you, too,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper as I sat beside him on the couch.
“I think I should move back,” Chad said to me, his eyes earnest.
I started to tell him how much I wanted him to, but for some reason, before the words were past my lips, I imagined Clark's face as I closed the door just a moment ago. I shook my head to clear it. Clearly, I had made a mess of things with Clark – or they had become a mess even if I was not to blame. But that had nothing to do with Chad. Did it?
“Will you really be happy?” I asked Chad to stall some more.
“I don't know,” Chad said. “Do I think this is the best possible solution? No,” he said honestly. “The best possible solution would involve you being as happy in Smallville as I am. But given that that isn't happening… I don't want to miss you anymore.”
“So you're willing to go back to working for Ken?” I asked.
His head fell forward and Chad rested it in his hands. “I don't know,” he mumbled. “I haven't thought this through. I just… I miss you so much, Lois.”
“I know. I know how you feel. I miss you, too. So much. But… I just don't want you to be unhappy,” I told him.
“I don't know what to do to be happy,” he said softly. “I'm unhappy here with my job, I'm unhappy in Smallville without you. This seems like the lesser of two evils.”
“For now,” I said softly, thinking that this was the same decision I had made. It was better to be in Smallville with Chad than Metropolis alone. In the short term, anyway. It was harder to tell if that was the right long term solution, though.
Chad nodded. “I know. And you're right. But maybe this is the right decision long term, too.”
“Maybe,” I whispered wondering just when this question had become a real question. It seemed like for the past several months, Chad and I were constantly re-evaluating. I missed the days when I had been sure that he was all I wanted. Well, as long as I had my job at the Daily Planet.
I still didn't get it. It was just a job. Why was it so important to me? Why was Chad's need to work in small town hospital so important to him?
I recalled Clark's words from the Fudge Castle so many months ago. But if we were really perfect for each other… wouldn't we want compatible things out of life? Were we not perfect for each other? I had never thought so before now. Even when I decided it was time to move forward with the divorce, I still thought Chad was perfect for me.
It was a belief I had held constantly since I was sixteen. Oh, sure, there were moments here and there when we were arguing when I would wonder if I was wrong, but mostly, I was sure.
Suddenly, for just a moment, I was back on that street corner, my lips pressed to Clark's. I hadn't been thinking that Chad was perfect for me then. I hadn't been thinking about Chad at all.
I shook my head. I hadn't been thinking at all. It was a mistake. I had had too much to drink, Clark had slipped or something. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with Chad. He was still perfect for me. He was, wasn't he? He had to be. Even if we couldn't be together, I couldn't stand the thought that I had been wrong on this one life-altering thought my entire life.
“We should sleep on it,” I said, realizing only now that we had been sitting in silence for a long time.
“Okay,” Chad said quietly. “I can stay down here.”
I nodded. That was probably the best idea. “I'll get you a pillow and some sheets,” I told him.
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I looked over at the clock. It was finally seven – a reasonable time to get up. I had tossed and turned all night, never really being able to fall into anything resembling sleep. Instead, I kept going over things in my mind. What was the right decision for us? We needed to decide now before our divorce was final.
I couldn't move back to Smallville. I knew that. But could Chad move back here? Really? Was it a decision that he would be okay with in five years? Or was it a decision that felt good now – felt comfortable, but he would live to regret?
I had no idea. I hated the feeling of confusion that seemed so pervasive in my life right now. I wanted a clear idea of where I was and where I was headed. Was that really too much to ask?
With a sigh, I swung my legs out of bed. Some part of me wished I had invited Chad to spend the night with me, another still knew that was a bad idea. That never helped us come to any decisions. Still, it was comfortable, even if our activities there stayed PG, and I missed him more when I was alone in our bed at night than at any other time.
I was surprised to find my living room empty. The blanket Chad had used was folded up and neatly placed on top of his pillow. Had he changed his mind and left already? That didn't seem like Chad.
I stepped closer, turning my head to take in the kitchen, but that too was empty. I finally noticed a note sitting on top of his blanket, though, and I picked it up with trepidation. Before I had it open I noticed his suitcase still sitting on the floor and breathed a sigh of relief. While it would have been easier to have him make this decision for us, I was glad to see that he was still here… somewhere.
I turned to his note, but it was terse. Not cold per se, but short. He had gone out for a walk, needed time to think. He was sorry to come here without having thought this through better and hoped he wasn't making things difficult for me. He would be back by dinner time.
And he loved me.
I set the note back on the blanket and sank onto the couch. Was he making things difficult for me? Maybe. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe we had rushed into this divorce. Maybe we weren't ready for it yet. Or maybe we would never be ready for it and we had to just do it and move on. I had no idea.
So, what to do with myself while I waited for Chad to come back? I tried to remember what I had had planned for the day before he showed up, but I couldn't remember. I probably would have ended up spending the day with Clark.
Clark. In my questions about my marriage this morning, I had somehow managed to forget about the situation with Clark.
My head fell back to lean against the couch. Did I have the energy to deal with him today before Chad came back? Should I wait? I wasn't sure, but I suspected I'd feel better once the situation with Clark was behind me.
With a sigh, I got up and walked over to the phone. He wasn't there, so I left him a message telling him I was coming over later to talk, before I headed to the shower to prepare for what promised to be a difficult day.
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He had the door open before I had even come up the walk. “You got my message,” I called out to him. I knew it was obvious he had, but I wanted something to say – something normal.
Apparently he did not, as he looked at me, ashen-faced, and started apologizing immediately. “I'm so sorry, Lois. I don't know what came over me. I don't… I'm just so sorry.”
I said nothing as I walked past him into his apartment. What was there to say? I knew we had to talk this out, but that was Clark's territory. My natural instinct was flight. So, it should have been no surprise that the first words I uttered after I sat down were completely wrong. “So, was it your fault then? Did you kiss me?”
Clark sat down across from me, his face in his hands. “I don't know. I can't remember clearly what happened. One minute we were standing there in the street, the next we were…” he trailed off. “But you were drunk and alcohol doesn't affect me, so yeah, clearly it was my fault.”
“I wasn't drunk,” I said quietly. “I mean, yeah, I had a bit too much to drink, but I knew what I was doing.”
“You did?” Clark asked, looking at me in shock. “Did you…”
“I don't know. I mean, I don't know what happened, but aside from that moment, the rest of the night is crystal clear in my memory. I'd like to blame the alcohol and maybe I can to some extent, but it's not like I can say I was drunk so whatever happened was your fault. I just wasn't that drunk.” I took a deep breath. It would have been so much easier to let Clark take the fall for this. He was clearly willing to do it and then I could stop the churning in my stomach when I thought of what I had done. I could stop feeling guilty about kissing Clark when I was married to Chad. Most importantly, I could stop trying to examine why I kissed Clark when I was married to Chad.
It would have been a lie, though. While I still wasn't clear on what had happened, I knew I wasn't completely blameless. I had been there and coherent. Intentional or not, I had kissed Clark.
“I never meant for that to happen,” Clark said quietly. I looked up sharply. What had he said? That sounded like…
“What?” I asked him, my voice strangled.
“I never meant for that to happen,” Clark said again, not looking at me as he spoke.
“Had you…” I almost couldn't force the words out past my dry throat. “Had you thought about it before?”
Clark didn't answer at first, but his face flushed hotly, so I pressed him. “Had you?”
Clark sighed and stared resolutely at the floor while his cheeks remained a bright crimson. “I don't know,” he mumbled. “I mean, of course, the thought has occurred to me before.”
“Of course?” I cut him off. What was obvious about that? I had never thought of kissing Clark before. I hadn't, had I?
“I mean, Lois, you can't be…” Clark trailed off, but then looked up, meeting my eyes. “Look, I'm not trying to make things complicated for you. I know your life is a mess. And honestly, it's not like I've spent months thinking about kissing you. Or really much time at all. But, yeah, the thought has occurred to me. I mean, Rachel and I didn't work out as we wanted different things out of life. It looked like you and Chad were heading down a similar path.
“So, yeah, once or twice it occurred to me that I've never known anyone else who wants so many of the same things in life as I do. And maybe that's led to… Lois, you are a beautiful woman. Surely it would be strange if I never…” He trailed off again, looking even redder in the face now than when he started.
“Are you…” I couldn't get the words out. “Do you…” I shook my head and finally gave up. “Clark?”
“I don't know,” he said quietly, his voice so anguished that I had to fight the urge to reach forward and wrap my arms around him. “It's not like I've been interested in you for years and was keeping it hidden or something. Or at least if I was, it wasn't conscious. But maybe… I don't know. But I care about you, Lois. And I have to admit, last night after I came back here, I did a lot of thinking, and it would be dishonest for me to say that I only mean that in a platonic sense.”
“I don't know what to say,” I said quietly.
“You don't need to say anything,” Clark said, getting up and pacing back and forth in his living room while running his fingers through his hair. “You're married. I never meant… Really, Lois, I promise, I never consciously thought about kissing you in any more than a fleeting sense. I know how completely inappropriate it is and how ridiculous it is to think that you could feel anything besides friendship for me.”
“Right,” I agreed. “Because I'm married.” But when I looked up and met his eyes, I couldn't help but wonder. Was it true? Did I really have nothing but platonic feelings for Clark? I was nearly certain that it was true – I had never thought about kissing him before. But what about that flight to Colombia – the one were I had sniffed his aftershave. Was that 100% platonic?
I sighed. “This is so…” I trailed off. I'd been about to say complicated or hard, but both would make Clark feel badly and I didn't want to do that. He hadn't really done anything wrong. Well, maybe he had kissed me, but then, I still wasn't sure about that.
Suddenly that thought brought me up short. How could I insist that I felt nothing romantic for Clark if I still thought it was possible that I had initiated the kiss from last night? “Maybe I…” I trailed off again.
“Lois, it's okay. Really,” Clark said and his voice was soothing, the voice I knew so well. But when I looked up, I could see the fear behind his eyes. Fear of what though?
“What are you afraid of?” I asked him.
“What?” he asked, taking a step back, startled.
I shook my head. When had I gotten in the habit of speaking to Clark like this? I had never done this with anyone else. Even with Chad, while I sometimes slipped up, I usually remembered to think before I spoke. I sighed. I was acting completely insane.
With a deep breath, I tried to back track. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It was just…”
“Just what?” Clark asked.
“You look scared,” I blurted out. “But what do you have to be scared of?”
“Don't you know?” Clark asked utterly bewildered.
“No,” I said, flashing back to the first time he looked like this. That day, so long ago, on my couch. He had looked terrified before he told me about his strange abilities, and while he didn't look quite like that now, it wasn't that far off.
Clark sat down again, his head falling forward into his hands. “Lois, you're my best friend. I don't want to have ruined everything between us because of…”
“You haven't!” I cut him off emphatically. It was like a film had played in front of my eyes while he spoke. What would it be like if he had? If I decided Clark's attraction to me, however slight it may be, was too much and we couldn't be friends anymore? “You can't have,” I continued, my voice softer this time, still feeling the loss I had felt when I saw that image a second ago. “I can't imagine my life without you in it.”
My eyes widened as I said it, and I leaned back against the couch. What the heck did that mean? I couldn't imagine my life without Clark in it? Clark? How could that be?
Not that it mattered. One quick glance up into his face and I knew it was true. I couldn't picture my life without Clark in it. Or I could, but didn't want to – couldn't bear the thought.
I had walked away from the man I had been in love with since I was sixteen, but somehow, imagining a life without Clark was too hard to contemplate.
