Thank you as always to Carol, Kelly, and Beth for all their help! Last post will be on Saturday.
And just to avoid confusion, the last chapter was set in November 1995 (so congratulations, AnKS on guessing correctly that I was planning on jumping to the future!).
From Chapter 35
“Just as long as you won't stop yourself from looking because of me,” I said. “I can't promise that I'll ever be ready.”
“You will be,” Clark smiled at me. “Maybe by the time you are, you won't feel the same way towards me, but you have too much to give to not fall in love again someday.”
“And if that happens?” I asked him. “With someone else?”
“I'll still be your best friend if you'll let me,” Clark said.
I smiled back. “Good. Because I'd like to think I'll still be your best friend when you find someone else.” Clark nodded, and I knew he caught my choice of words. When he found someone else. I really did not see anyway that wouldn't happen before I was ready. Even if my feelings for him didn't go away, I knew it would be a long time before I was ready to act on them. It would be foolish to think Clark would still be single.
But right now, what I needed was my best friend. Looking into his eyes, I realized I had him.
Chapter 36
April 1997
“Are you ready to go?” I called as I closed the door behind me. I had been watching the news as I got ready and it looked like Superman had left the oil spill at least a half hour ago. I figured as Superman it wouldn't take Clark long to get cleaned up.
“Pretty much,” Clark said as he exited his bedroom. He smiled upon catching sight of me. “You know, it's okay to go to Smallville and not wear flannel.”
“I know,” I said. “I lived there, too, you know. This always feels right, though.” I gestured down at my flannel shirt – the one I had worn the first time I went to Smallville three years ago. As I recalled, Chad had made a similar comment about my shirt that day.
“Well, I'll admit,” Clark said, as he washed the coffee cup that had been sitting on the counter when I arrived, “you look cute.”
“Are we going?” I asked in lieu of saying thank you.
“Yup, just give me a second,” Clark said.
“You know if you forget something you can be back here in a minute,” I reminded him.
“I know,” Clark said with a look. “That doesn't mean I should just assume I'll remember. Besides, I like to just be Clark as much as possible when we're at the Wind Festival. It's much more relaxing that way.”
He put a hand on the small of my back as he led me out the door. “Ready?” he asked.
“You brought my suitcase out already?” I checked for the third time since he had come by to pick it up the previous night.
“Yes, Lois,” he said, a trace of impatience in his voice. “I told you I had when you called me at midnight to ask.”
I could feel myself blush slightly, but ignored it. “It's just… well, it's different this time.”
“I know,” he said and the annoyance was gone from his voice, replaced with compassion.
He lifted me into his arms before taking off. We flew in silence for just a moment before he asked, “Are you ready for this?”
I nodded. I had felt nervous last night… well, this morning too if I were to be honest with myself. But there was nothing to be nervous about. I had been to Smallville twice before since we finalized the divorce, and Chad had come to Metropolis three times. It had been awkward at first, but we had slowly settled into a new norm.
In retrospect, it was weird to think about how different we were together now. We had done it – we had transitioned into being friends. Good friends, in fact. We spoke on the phone at least once a week and usually more often than that. I smiled a little as I recalled my worries from a year and a half ago – that we would turn into Clark and Lana – knowing about each other only through gossip and randomly bumping into each other somewhere.
That wasn't a danger at all. It had never occurred to me to not tell Chad I was coming to Smallville. Of course, to be fair, I hadn't been sure it was a wise decision to go the first time. I remember feeling so nervous I wanted to smack myself. I couldn't sleep the night before I was so nauseous.
I had gone anyway – not wanting to miss last year's Wind Festival due to nerves. Once I got there, I had been glad I had gone. While it was awkward to see Chad again, it was also good to see him. I missed him still, but in less of the heart breaking way I had before.
I felt much the same way now. I still missed him. I wasn't sure that would ever stop – he was always going to be one of my closest friends, and I hadn't broken the habit of sometimes thinking of things in terms of how I would retell the story to him. So I would probably always wish he lived closer.
Still, I no longer ached for him the way I had before. I no longer missed him as my husband and my lover. I missed him as my friend.
“I think so,” I finally answered Clark's question about whether or not I was ready. The last two times I had come for a visit, I had stayed at the farm with Clark, Martha, and Jonathan. It was just easier that way, and it was nice to have the buffer from Chad if I should need it.
Slowly, I had realized, though, that I didn't need it. So, this time I had taken Rachel up on her offer and was staying there. Two doors away from the house Chad and I had bought.
I hadn't actually been in the house since the divorce – both afraid to see that things were different and afraid to see that they were not. It seemed unavoidable this time, though. It would be hard to stay with Rachel and not visit Chad's home.
“I'll be with you the whole time,” Clark said softly and I smiled at him. He was also staying at Rachel's. I suspected he was doing so for me, but he had claimed that it had been long enough since he and Rachel were together that there were less likely to be rumors about his staying there. Especially with me there. To be honest, he hadn't seemed 100% sure of that, but Rachel had insisted that it was okay.
“If you want to stay with your parents…” I offered again, secretly hoping that he would say no. I felt in some ways like I leaned on Clark even more now than I had before. He had really been there for me when things were rough. True to his promise, he had seemed to put behind him whatever feelings had caused that one long ago kiss.
I still thought about it from time to time – wondered what might have been. But that was a long time ago now. While Clark was single now, I was pretty sure those feelings were long gone. About six months ago, he had gone on a few dates with a pretty redhead he had met at a coffee shop. Her name was Lydia and I had met her on more than one occasion. She had seemed completely enamored with Clark when I met her. Something had gone wrong, though. Clark never said what, but I imagined it wasn't pretty since when I saw her again about two weeks after she and Clark ended things, she was engaged. She had blushed when I asked her about it, and I got the impression that the relationship wasn't as new as I would have thought given the recency of her break-up with Clark. So maybe she wasn't as enamored of him as I had thought. Still, Clark didn't seem too despondent over it, so he clearly wasn't ready to marry her himself.
“No,” Clark insisted. “I haven't had a chance to really talk to Rachel in ages, so it will be good to spend the night at her place. Besides, we'll spend tomorrow night with my folks,” he reminded me.
I nodded. Rachel had offered to have us stay with her the whole weekend, but understandably, Clark wanted more time than that with his parents. I had said yes to Rachel's offer at first, wanting to give Clark time alone at the farm if he wanted it. The truth was, though, that I wanted to see more of Martha and Jonathan, too. Clark either guessed that or maybe his parents did, because he told me in no uncertain terms before we left that he fully expected me to accompany him to the farm after the fireworks the next night.
“Tuck your head in,” Clark suggested as we approached Smallville. A second later, we were standing in Rachel's garden.
“You're here!” Rachel called excitedly from the doorway. “We weren't expecting you for another hour.”
Clark glanced at his watch as we walked over to her. “Didn't we say we'd be by around seven?”
“Yes,” Chad said from behind her. “But we saw the news of the oil spill on LNN.”
“Oh, that didn't take long at all,” Clark said as we reached them both. I gave Rachel a hug and then Chad. It always felt a little weird to hug Chad – like it took my brain a minute to adjust to the new norm and I half expected us to kiss hello. But I had to admit it was getting easier and easier and this time I only hesitated briefly.
Chad and Clark shook hands and Clark gave Rachel a hug before the four of us moved inside.
“I wasn't sure if we'd see you tonight,” I said to Chad as we moved into the living room. When we had talked a couple of nights ago, Chad had mentioned having a patient in the hospital in Wichita so he had been spending most of his days there.
“Annie is finally feeling better, so she was sent home yesterday,” he told me, and I couldn't help but smile. His face lit up as he spoke about his patient. Sometimes coming to visit him in Smallville was good. It was so good to see him so happy and well adjusted. As opposed to back when we were trying to make decisions and it had hurt a little to think about how much happier he was here, now it just made me feel happy. I really wanted nothing more for Chad than for him to be where he was the happiest, and it was clear that this was it.
“That's great,” I said as Clark and Rachel came back from the kitchen with drinks.
“Oh, you didn't have to do that,” Chad said.
“It wasn't a problem,” Rachel smiled. “I knew what you wanted.” She handed him a cola and Clark handed me a cream soda.
“Thank you,” I said to Clark and then turned to Rachel. “You didn't need to buy cream soda for me, Rachel. Thank you.”
“Not a problem,” she said as she sat on the couch next to Chad. Clark took the chair that matched mine, both of us facing the couch.
“So,” Chad said, suddenly seeming nervous. “We… um… well, we wanted to talk to you before the festival started.”
“We?” Clark asked.
“Chad and I,” Rachel said and I noticed her cheeks color slightly. “And if you don't feel comfortable staying here after this, we'll understand.”
I nodded, already starting to suspect where this was going. It was the only explanation for why Chad would be part of a "we' that would understand us not wanting to stay with Rachel.
“We… um…” Rachel said, but then trailed off, looking to Chad for help.
“We hope this isn't too weird,” Chad said softly and I chanced a glance at Clark. I could tell that he, too, was starting to suspect where this was going.
I looked back at Chad and Rachel. They both looked so uncomfortable, I felt compelled to put them out of their misery. I couldn't process this fast enough to decide how I felt, but I knew there was no reason why they needed to look like their best friend had just died.
“So, how long have you two been together?” I asked with a smile. It was forced and I knew if Chad looked at me closely, he'd be able to see that, but my guess was he was too occupied with his own thoughts for that.
“Not long at all,” Rachel said, her cheeks getting even darker.
“Just since last weekend,” Chad said quietly.
I nodded, not sure what to say, and was happy when Clark picked up the conversation.
“That's great!” he said, and I could tell he meant it. Of course, he did. He wanted Rachel to be happy, he liked Chad, and he and Rachel were so in the past. While Rachel hadn't dated anyone since Clark that I knew of, I'm sure Clark made his peace with whatever remaining feelings he had for Rachel when he started dating Lydia.
“I know it's weird,” Rachel said, glancing at me. It was her glance that did it. I felt so awful – Rachel was a wonderful person. There was no reason why she had to worry that I would be upset with her for dating Chad. We'd been divorced for over a year now. It was weird to be sure, but I had no reason to be angry or jealous.
“It's not weird at all,” I said. “You are two of the best people I know, and given that you both live in the same small town…” I trailed off. Even I could hear that my voice was a tad higher pitched than normal.
“So, you're not angry?” Rachel asked. “I really… Lois, I really want you to stay here.”
I nodded, feeling tears come to my eyes. I wasn't sure if that was due to how awkward this all was or because I was honestly touched at how concerned for me Rachel was. Looking at Chad I could tell he felt the same way, but couldn't find the nerve to speak.
“We really…” he finally said before I could answer Rachel. “If it makes either of you uncomfortable, we'll stop,” he said.
I laughed, although I could hear tears in my laughter. “Do you need to run all future girlfriend choices by me?” I asked.
Chad gave a smile. “I want to,” he said. “I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize having you in my life.”
“And that's more important to you than Rachel?” I asked.
Chad blushed. “I'm sort of hoping I don't have to make that choice.”
I looked at him – really looked at him after he said that. I could see so much on his face: his concern that he had somehow hurt me, his nervousness, and his hope that I would be okay with this. It was the last one that came through the most clearly, and I suddenly realized something I hadn't before. Chad would stop seeing Rachel if I asked him to, but not for the right reasons.
It wasn't because this was just something he was doing for fun and if it bothered me it wasn't worth it. That wasn't it at all. They may have just started dating a couple of weeks ago, but the relationship was already pretty serious – or at least Chad's feelings for Rachel were pretty serious.
He was willing to stop dating her simply as after years of prioritizing my feelings over his own, he had forgotten not to do that. If I did ask him to stop dating Rachel, not that the thought had occurred to me even for a second, he would do so. Eventually, though, he would resent me for it. In all likelihood, he'd end up dating her later if she forgave him. Rachel may not have been more important to Chad now than I ever was, but she was more important to him than I was at this moment. Chad just hadn't realized it yet, or at least not enough to realize that this was as it should be and he could act on those feelings.
Instead, he was hoping I wouldn't make him choose because he knew that it would hurt him if I asked him to do so. He knew he wanted to be with Rachel enough that it would hurt, but didn't seem to know that this meant it wasn't my choice. He could date whomever he wanted, regardless of how I felt. While it was nice that he wanted me to be comfortable with his choice, it really wasn't necessary. This was about Chad and Rachel. I had no part in it at all.
Of course I didn't. I wasn't really part of Chad's life in that way anymore. I was a friend of his – a good friend, I hoped, but that was it. In the same way he never would have broken up with me in high school if one of his friends had suggested it, he shouldn't have been even considering breaking up with Rachel for me.
I felt the tear fall down my cheek and brushed at it, but apparently not before everyone noticed.
“Lois, we mean it,” Rachel said. “It's okay. We'll stop. It's not important to us.”
I shook my head, trying to get the words out. “No. I'm not crying because of that,” I said knowing that her words were untrue. Their relationship was important to them, even if they hadn't realized it yet.
“Then why are you crying?” Chad asked and I could tell that he was trying to decide what to do. His eyes were tight on me and he seemed to be considering getting up and consoling me, but one of his hands was moving closer and closer to Rachel. I was sure he was tempted to grab her hand, sure I was about to make him end their relationship.
“We're not married anymore,” I said, swiping at my tears. “I mean, I knew that, but I didn't get that before now. And neither did you.”
“What didn't I get?” Chad asked.
“I am no longer the most important person in your life. I don't get a say in who you date, Chad. Or at least I shouldn't. I mean, it's nice that you asked me, but you need to make the decisions that are best for you. Not the ones that are best for me.”
“Lois…” Rachel started, but I shook my head.
“No,” I cut her off. “I appreciate it. Really. I appreciate that both of you are so concerned for me. But my happiness shouldn't be coming first for either of you. Not that it matters. What I want most for you,” I said, looking Chad in the eye, “is for you to be happy. And even if you haven't figured it out fully yet, it's clear to me that Rachel makes you very happy. I'm glad you found each other.”
With that I got up and walked outside. I knew my tears were only going to come faster and I didn't want Chad or Rachel to think that was because I was upset about their relationship. I wasn't. It was more like this was closure on my relationship with Chad. I knew it was over before now, but this was really the end of it - the changing point where I was replaced by someone else as the most important person in Chad's life.
I couldn't have picked a better person for Chad, and I was happy that he was moving on, but that didn't mean it wasn't a little sad to see the last small part of this relationship pass.
I was only outside for a second before I heard the door open and close softly behind me. I didn't bother turning around, and within seconds, Clark moved in front of me and wrapped me in his arms.
“Are you okay?” he asked me softly.
“Yeah,” I sniffed against his chest. “I am. I really am. It's just…”
“What?” Clark asked, tilting my head up to look at him with a finger under my chin.
“It's really over,” I whispered.
Clark nodded, pulling me close to him again. “I know. I'm sorry.”
“I'm not,” I said. “We had to get here. I want him to be happy again. I do. And I think Rachel is going to do that. Or is already doing that. It's just… I guess I hadn't even realized it wasn't over yet.”
“Are you ready for it to be over?” Clark asked me softly.
“I am,” I said, moving away from him to brush my tears away. “I really am.”
