Am frustrated
. Did get this edited tonight but everything else is stuck :p . ESF. Stuck /mutter/stupid freaking A plot/mutter/. 'Nother fic. Stuck. HoLK [the newest of the new]. Stuck trying to convey how the characters are different from our characters while still getting into the meat of the story pretty quickly without rehashing the entire series to that point. /sigh/
Maybe tomorrow. Not holding my breath. Tomorrow could easily be a very frustrating day... /sigh/
Ah well...
Thanks to Alisha, Nancy, Beth and Queenie! Special thanks to Nancy for her quick re-beta tonight with the edits.
Last time:
Martha held her for another long moment. "I love you, sweetie. I couldn’t ask for anyone better for Clark."
"Thanks, Martha. I love you, too."
Martha hesitated for a moment. "If you want to call me 'Mom', you can. You've always been the daughter I never had."
Lois smiled through her tears. "Thanks, Mom."
Martha stood up. "Why don't you go splash some water on your face and I'll send Clark up, okay?"
Lois nodded. "Thanks."
Martha left and Lois did as she'd suggested, coming back out of the master bathroom just as there was a knock on the door.
Clark came in without waiting for an answer. "Hey," he said. "What's up?"
Lois sat back down on the bed and couldn't look at him. "We need to talk."
Chapter 12Clark was quietly observing the room around him. With the exception of Lois' grandparents, he'd met – or remet rather – everyone prior to this, and he wasn't sure he'd actually ever met Lois' grandparents before.
He'd seen Lois and his mom disappear up the stairs a while earlier and he wondered idly what that was about.
The last two months had been extremely frustrating. He remembered everything since he'd returned to Earth, but nothing before that. Nothing.
What he wanted most was to remember Lois.
Everyone told him how wonderful they were together and how they belonged together and, on some level, he believed that, but he didn't feel like he should lead her on either. The Clark that had left for outer space had known her for over a decade and had fallen in love with her. This new Clark had to figure out if that was still right. He had to fall in love with her all over again.
And he thought he was, but she'd also been strangely quiet and distant for several weeks. He'd asked her about it and she'd said it was just the stress of the end of their senior year in high school.
He didn't like seeing her like that, but he wasn't sure what to do about it. He cared about her, and he felt a connection with her that he didn't fell with anyone else, but he couldn't honestly say he was in love with her like he guessed he had been before he left. He thought he *could* - he was sure he *would* - but he wasn't there yet.
But he knew he didn't like seeing her like she had been recently.
He was fairly certain that the strain on their relationship was a big part of it as well. What he saw as not moving too fast, she saw as putting the brakes on.
He finished his sandwich and was in the kitchen getting a refill on his drink when his mom came up to him.
"Clark, you need to go upstairs and talk to Lois," she said quietly.
"Is something wrong?"
"She's in our room." He started towards the stairs but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Don't be mad at her, sweetie. She wanted you to remember on your own, that's all."
Clark was puzzled, but nodded as he headed up the stairs. He knocked on the door to his parents' room, not waiting for a reply before he walked in.
Lois walked out of his parents' bathroom, obviously upset.
He really didn't like seeing her cry – for any reason. "Hey," he said quietly. What's wrong?"
She sat on the bed and refused to look at him. "We need to talk."
Part of him was scared that there was something wrong – that was why she'd been distant the last few weeks. She was sick or... something. He wasn't sure he'd know how to deal with that.
"I got that much. Mom told me not to be mad at you because you wanted me to remember on my own, so I'd guess you're going to tell me something that I don't know."
She nodded and surprised him a bit with what she said. "No one knew except us and I just told your mom." It just wasn't what he was expecting.
He leaned against the dresser and ran a hand through his hair. "What is it?"
She didn't say anything for a long minute and he had to strain to hear her when she finally spoke. "I'm pregnant."
He gave that a minute to sink in before responding and he still wasn't sure he'd heard her right. "What?" he whispered.
"I'm pregnant," she said a bit more loudly.
"I thought we were..." He hesitated. "I thought we were waiting until we got married."
She nodded. "We were."
"So then who..." Even without his memory, he couldn't complete the thought. He shook his head slightly to clear it. Lois wouldn't cheat on him. He knew that. "I mean, how..."
"You're the father," she said over his last statement, sounding more than slightly indignant.
He closed his eyes for a second as he rushed to reassure her. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I mean, I guess we must have decided that since there was a chance I wouldn't have come back..."
"We got married," she told him, holding out a piece of paper. "We flew to Metropolis and got married and then spent most of the day in the honeymoon suite at the Lexor. We were careful – we used protection – but..." She sighed. "I took a test this morning and it came back positive."
Clark stared at the marriage license he held in his hand and slumped back against the dresser again as it slowly sunk in.
Married.
He and Lois were married.
And having a baby.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he finally asked quietly.
"No one knew. Just us. And you didn't even remember *me* much less anything else. I just kept hoping you'd remember and then a couple weeks ago, I started to suspect I might be pregnant and I knew if I was I'd have to tell you and we'd have to figure out where we go from here." She took a deep breath and continued, still not looking at him. "I mean, I'd understand if you didn't want to be married to me anymore – you barely want to date me, these days – but you have a right to know that we're married and I'm having your baby, but if you want to call a lawyer, I'd understand."
Would she really understand? The tears indicated 'no'.
They'd been flowing down her cheeks and had been for some time as she spoke.
He sighed. "I'm so sorry I don't remember; that you're going through this alone."
"It's not your fault."
"Still, it would have been different if I'd known we were married," he told her.
"How? You still wouldn’t remember me."
"No, I probably wouldn't," he admitted.
Lois scooped up something he couldn’t see from the bed and put it in her purse. She stood up. "Anyway, whatever you want to do is fine with me. Just let me know if I need to get a lawyer or whatever. I can't imagine it would be a difficult... divorce. I won't ask for anything from you for the baby so you don't have to worry about that. I just wanted you to know and to let you know that whatever you decide, I'm okay with it." She brushed past him on her way to the door.
He stopped her with a hand on her elbow as she stood by the door. He moved to stand behind her. "You're not okay with whatever I decide, are you?" he asked quietly.
*****
Lois closed her eyes and cursed mentally. He was so close to her. She could feel his breath on her neck and it was sending chills up and down her spine.
"No, I'm not," she finally said. "But I don't see how I have much choice in the matter. You went from having a fairly serious girlfriend you don't remember and don't want to be with to a wife you don't remember and don't to be with. It just makes the eventual break-up a little more expensive."
"If we weren't married, would you want to break up?" he asked, his hand still burning the skin near her elbow.
"No," she said emphatically with a shake of her head. "Even if we hadn't said for better or worse, sickness or health and all of that, I've always been in it for the long run with you, but you don't remember that. You don't remember saying 'I do' and taking vows and being together that day. How can I hold you to it?"
She could feel him behind her, his solid bulk so close... It would be so easy to relax back against him, so he could wrap his arms around her and hold her close, to tilt her head slightly so he could kiss his way down her neck.
But he wouldn't. He'd made it abundantly clear since he lost his memory that he wasn't comfortable with anything close to the physical relationship they'd shared even before they got married. His hand still rested near her elbow and was the longest continuous, intentional, contact they'd had since he got back.
"Did I mean it?" he whispered. "When we got married, did I mean it or was it just a way to get in your bed when I thought I might die?"
"You meant it," she whispered back.
"Then why would I back out now?"
"Because you're not the same person you were then. You don't remember me, us, being in love. You're not in love with me anymore. I won't hold you to it."
He took a slight step towards her and she could feel his legs against hers, his chest brushing against her back, his breath more hotly on her neck.
"I didn't really think I'd have married you just to get into bed," he said softly. "I may not be *your* Clark, but I do care about you. I'm not going to back out on my obligations. Not to you, my wife. Not to my baby. You're not getting rid of me."
She turned to look at him, her breath catching at her first good, close-up look at him in weeks. "Don't tell me that now and then back out on me in a few weeks or a few months when neither one of us has slept because the baby's been up all night. If you mean it, fine, but don’t feel obligated because of something you said or did before everything changed."
She looked into his chocolate colored eyes. They weren't the same. She didn't see the twinkle that was normally there, the love that had always been in them, even before their first date.
"I mean it," he told her and for an instant, she thought he might kiss her.
A knock on the door interrupted them. "Lois? Clark?" Martha called quietly.
Lois swiped at her cheeks and turned away from him as he stepped back. She opened the door. "We were just finishing up, Martha," Lois told her, trying to paste a smile on her face.
"Everyone else has gone. The only people left right now are your parents," Martha told her gently.
"I guess we should do this then." She brushed past Martha and headed down the stairs.
Her parents and Jonathan were waiting for her in the living room. She sat nervously in one of the chairs and waited for Clark and Martha but they didn't show.
"What is it, Princess?" Sam finally asked. "Martha said you and Clark had something to tell us."
Lois nodded, looking at the stairs again.
"You're not breaking up, are you?" Ellen asked her. "With Clark not remembering and everything?"
Lois shook her head. "No, we're not breaking up, though I offered to let him go if he didn't want to be with me anymore."
Jonathan snorted. "Memory or not, that boy'd be stupid to take you up on that offer."
She smiled slightly. "Thanks, Jonathan."
"So what is it then?" Ellen asked.
She looked at the stairs one more time. "I guess he's not coming," she muttered before taking a deep breath. "The day before the whole Nightfall thing, when we spent the whole day together – not the day I was here, but the first one – we, um..." She hesitated.
"Decided not to wait until you got married because the world was ending?" Sam asked quietly.
Lois shook her head. "Not exactly."
"But you are pregnant, aren't you?" Ellen reached over to take her hand as she spoke.
Lois nodded. "Yeah, I am. But we got married first. We flew to Metropolis where you only have to be seventeen and we got married and spent the day together before we flew back here. We used birth control, but..." She couldn't tell her parents her theory about why it hadn't worked. Martha might tell Jonathan, but her parents didn't know about Clark.
"So the last two months, your husband hasn't remembered who you are?" This came from Jonathan.
Lois nodded again. "Yeah."
Ellen tugged on Lois' hand until she stood, pulling until she sat between her parents. Ellen wrapped an arm around her, holding her close. "I think we want to be mad, or at the very least annoyed, with you two, but given everything else... How long have you known?" she asked.
"Only for sure since this morning."
Sam scooted closer to her, putting his arm around both his wife and daughter. "What was your plan if the world didn't end?"
"To see if Martha and Jonathan would let us live in Gramps' and Granny's house. For me to get a real job after graduation, maybe for one of you two. Commute to Midwest University in the fall – which we were planning on anyway. Tell you guys together."
"Martha knew?" Jonathan asked.
Lois shook her head. "Not until a little while ago. I showed her the license and the rings and then she sent Clark upstairs to talk to me. I thought they were right behind me when I came down, but I guess not."
*****
Clark stared at the license in his hand as Lois left the room.
They were married.
They were having a baby.
"It's a lot to take in," Martha said as he sunk to the bed.
He nodded. "I don't remember any of it. I wish I did, but I don't."
Martha sat next to him.
"She offered to divorce me. Said if I wanted out, it was okay with her."
"It's not," she said quietly. "No matter what she says, she wouldn’t be okay with that."
"I know."
"So what're you going to do?" Martha rested her head on his shoulder.
Clark shrugged. "Figure out how to make this work. Take care of my pregnant wife."
"We'll have to talk to Dad about the house, if you two can live there. I can't say either one of us is very happy with how this has played out, but we can hardly hold you responsible for that now and we have a grandbaby that's going to need some place to live." They sat there for long moments. "I'd imagine Lois is wondering where we are and if she's going to have to tell them all by herself."
He cocked his head to the side. "She already has." He sighed. "I'm screwing this up already."
He stood and headed downstairs, his hands shoved in his pockets, not looking at anyone. He looked up as the screen door slammed shut.
Lois was nowhere to be seen. He sighed and changed directions, heading instead towards the porch.
She was seated on the porch swing, staring into space.
"You should have waited," he said quietly. "I didn't mean for you to have to tell them by yourself."
She shrugged. "Turns out my parents already suspected I might be pregnant. They didn't know that we got married, though."
"I'm sorry you had to do it by yourself."
"Doesn't matter. They're as okay with it as they would have been if you'd been there, too."
He leaned against the railing. "Still, I should have been there with you."
She sighed. "What's the plan, Clark? Are we moving in together? What if your parents won't let us live here? Do you even want to?"
"I guess, if we don't stay here, we try to find someplace else. An apartment in town or something, I guess."
"I've always worked for my parents in the summers and had planned on it again this year, but if they won't let me, then I'll start looking for another job tomorrow. I don't know how much you have in savings, but I don't have much. And I'm going to have a baby to pay for before you know it. And medical bills and..."
"We are, you mean."
"What?"
"*We're* going to have a baby to pay for before long. Medical bills, all of that. *We* are in this together."
"I'll believe it when I see it," she muttered under her breath.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you're not the same Clark I married two months ago and I get that, I get *why* things are different, but that doesn't mean I like it. You won't even hold my hand most of the time, much less kiss me or..." She took a deep breath. "...make love to me. Married isn't what you want."
"What do you want?"
"I want Clark back," she said quietly. "I miss you, so much. And I'm so grateful that you're alive and I love you more now than I did then, but I miss you. I want to be able to touch you, kiss you, make love to you again and I can't."
She'd stood up and was pacing around the porch, arms wrapped around herself.
Clark moved in front of her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her hard.
Her arms wrapped around his neck and his moved to wrap around her waist, pulling her tight against him as they lost themselves in the kiss.
It was several minutes later that they both pulled back, more than slightly out of breath.
"Is that what you want?" he whispered huskily as she rested her hands on his chest, leaning heavily against him.
She pushed against him, taking a big step back. "No, it's not what I want. I want you to want it, too, and you don't. I can tell in the way you kiss. It's not what you really want."
She stood with her arms crossed in front of her, staring at the ground between their feet. He shoved one hand in a pocket and ran the other through his hair.
"I want to want it like you want me to," he told her. "I want..." He stopped as the door opened.
"Lois?" Ellen walked onto the porch. "Honey, it's almost time for us to go, but we want to talk to the two of you first."
Clark watched as Lois carefully wiped her cheeks and he sighed, following her into the house.
*****
Lois rested her head against the car window as her dad drove them home in near silence.
They'd gone back inside where they'd been told that Martha and Jonathan would allow them to live in the little house on the other side of the farmyard – at least for the time being. She could have stayed at the farm – or Clark could have stayed at her house – for the night, now that their parents knew they were married, but she decided to go home alone and pack her things. Clark was doing the same at the farm. She was sure Clark was glad for a few hours' reprieve before they moved in together.
She didn't say anything to her parents as she went to the garage to try to find a few boxes she could use to pack a few things in. Clark and Jonathan would be over with their trucks first thing in the morning and she needed to be ready.
"There's a couple empty tubs in the closet in the basement," Ellen told her. "We can probably move most of your clothes and things in the drawers, so no need to pack them all."
"Thanks, Mom." She turned and headed towards the house.
Ellen put her arm around Lois as they walked inside. She stayed in the living room with Sam, while Lois headed for the basement.
Ten minutes later, Lois had locked herself in her room with a couple of Rubbermaid tubs and a few trash bags. Before she did anything else, she took the rings out of her purse and put them on as she did every night.
Packing her room didn't take long – pictures came off the walls, a few frames from the top of her dresser and desk she wrapped in T-shirts. She hesitated before she put the first item in one of the tubs. She dug around in her bottom drawer and pulled out the nightgown and robe she'd worn on their only night together as well as Clark's boxers and the shirt he'd worn. She wrapped them all in a trash bag and put it on the bottom, covering it quickly with other items, burying it beneath them. She didn't need the reminders and she didn't want Clark to find them – not yet.
When she was finished, she looked around her childhood room one more time before she changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed.
Alone.
*****
TBC
