Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic FDK: Stay Away from Amber Waves - Pt. 2

Jocelyn, that was a nice, sweet story. While I'm not sure that I buy Lois making a move on her incipient feelings for Clark so early in their friendship, you explored the outcome in an interesting manner. There are a number of typos and minor grammar errors which you might want to run by your beta reader, but I really only have one major nitpick with your story. Why did you have Lois die in 2011? This would mean she died at the age of 44, was married to Clark for a maximum of 16 years, and would make her two children orphans at a pretty young age. Was that your intention? Otherwise, it might make for a more fulfilling ending to up the date of her death on the gravestone by at least a few decades.
Just a suggestion, but it would make the story work better for me.
Hope you keep writing, Terry

Terry is right about 2011... but that's hardly the purpose of the story, so it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, I liked part 2 as much as part 1 (no, wait, that's a lie... I liked it more). And don't forget I'm waiting... (thanks for the mention, btw!)

Keep writing and I'll see ya soon.
AnnaBtG.

Aww... sweet. I liked Lois's reaction to the revelation -- such an anti-climax to everything Clark had worried about and that we usually see in these circumstances but in a good way!

I like that song, too; for once, in a songfic, I actually knew the music!

PJ
who has the Sting album with this song on it...

Aww! Lovely story, Jo! You really took me by surprise in part 1; I thought we were in GGGOH, but then suddenly there was Clark leaning in for a kiss and I realised that things had moved on a lot! I would have liked to see you write more about that scene post-PML when she appeared at his apartment looking for another kiss, though!

Sweet declarations of love and revelation, and a lovely setting in the cornfields.

But... I'm just not sure about the final bit. Leaving aside Lois's age on her death, I'm just not sure that I want to read about Lois's death at the end of a sweet, WAFFy revelation story. I don't know whether that's the scene you had in mind for this story all along, or just something you decided to add, but I'd like to see your reasoning for including it.

And we want more from you!!


Wendy

I've always loved that Sting song. And you made it fit so well in this fic!

Very sweet and WAFFy. I like Lois' reaction to the revelation. "Is that all?" LOL! She's right, it could have been so many worse things.

Nice work, Jo!

Lois died toO young. It ruined it for me. But the rest was nice. GO back and have HG wells fix her<g> Laura

Hi,

Great part.

I think I tend to agree with the bulk of opinion thus far. <g> This was a sweet and waffy conclusion to your story, Jo. Had me snuffling into my kleenex most of the way through.

I can't say I have exceptionally strong feelings about the epilogue; I did find it more poignant and sweet having Lara singing the same song that had meant so much to her mother and father, than depressing or maudlin. It did come as a bit of a shock and I definitely wasn't expecting it. Still, that's no reason not to have it, of course. <g>

I'm afraid I didn't even notice the dates (my usual and, in some quarters, well-known aversion to numbers of all kinds kicking in there). But now that others have brought it up, I think I'd much rather see Lois having a long and happy life with Clark than dying prematurely. Of course, if there's a particular reason you wanted her to die young, perhaps you could put that into the story? If it was simply to add to the poignancy of the moment though I don't think it's a necessary addition.

All in all - beautifully done, Jo. Brava!

LabRat

Jocelyn

A lovely story! So WAFFy!

The epilogue is very sad. 44 is far too young to die.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.

Tricia

I rarely like songfics, but this was sweet. You write very well, and I'd look forward to reading more of your stuff. A couple of things jarred me out of total waffy sighs. First off was the title of your fic --I was expecting something to do with "America the Beautiful" . Perhaps a title with one of the lines from "Fields of Gold" would fit better. The second of course, is the fact that you killed off our Lois after only 16 years of marriage, and at such a young age. It struck a bit too close to home. Unless you had a reason that related to the storyline (cancer-causing-bad-guys, stray bullets from gangsters, falling off of buildings, etc.) I'd leave that part out. It's not that I object ot darkfics/deathfics, but this didn't really fit the rest of the story. just IMO.
But, all in all, this was a job well done.

Lois die at 44

Jose

Jocelyn,
just read 1&2 together
ditto others
sweet story but
Lois died to young
merry

Man, Jo, you killed Lois.

I've decided to just pretend that part didn't happen, and instead concentrate on how well written this is, all the way through.

You are so talented. And in high school, am I remembering right? So, I'm thinking that for you 44 didn't seem especially young...whereas for some of us...well. (ahem)

You kill whoever you want to, Jo. You're good at it, you write so well. I'll keep reading, and then maybe just make up my own ending...and they lived happily ever after.

CC-

Wow, Jo, this story was absolutely *beautiful*! And I also *love* that song, so it'll always remind me of this story from now on

No matter what others have said, I think the ending was *perfect*, except for her young age, maybe. But I think this has *a lot* of potential, if only you make her die at the age og 99 or something, and Clark is the one staying behind, remembering their song Or, of course, make her "die" at the age of 44, and you've got a *perfect* oppertunity to make HG Wells try and get things back to the way they should be.

You're such a great writer that I'm sure you'd have *no* problems whatsoever of trying to come up with a sequel.

But the emotions you managed to capture and let the flow, and how you took advantage of the song... Beautiful! Whatever you change before sending this to the archive, keep that!

Pelican

I'm catching up on all the stories I've missed by being offline this month and had to comment on this one. Jo, you did a great job with this story.

I was pleased at how you handled their accelerated relationship. You explained their getting together well, and it made for a very sweet story. I didn't think the WAFFs were too cloying -- in fact, I thought you did a nice job showing the fun side of their early relationship, when they aren't quite sure where things are going to go but are having fun keeping it a secret. Very fun, romantic and sexy.

But as others have mentioned, I was confused over the epilogue. You did a great job of setting up a fun short story, so I didn't understand why you would choose to suddenly change paths. Strictly from a writing standpoint, it takes the reader out of the moment you just spent pages working to set up ... you shot yourself in the foot, so to speak. A lighter touch may have accomplished what you seem to have been going for -- say, a great, great grandchild dancing through the fields, picking wildflowers to place on the joint graves of her ancestors, which show a long life and the song lyrics they loved so much -- but I honestly don't think even that is needed.

Bottom line, ending it with the revelation fits with the tone you had worked to set up initially. If you want to write a more angsty story, you clearly have the writing ability and story-telling talent to do so. So my advice would be to tackle that project in your next fanfic and not try to cram both into the same short story.

Hoping to see more from you soon,

Kathy