Last time:
I wonder if he misses me like that… as soon as we part? Or is this obsessive on my part? Could it be that I just need that good feeling that being around him gives me? It keeps away this other feeling – that I feel – when I’m alone, and get to think about all that has happened. And – he seemed a bit… distracted when he left – that last smile didn’t even reach his eyes… it was after what I said. I hope he doesn’t think I’m stalking him… but then – he said he didn’t. He doesn’t come across as the kind of guy to lie about his feelings just to make me feel better. He’s smarter than that. But – what was it? What did I say? Oh – of course… you can’t escape me… I must have – made him … think… about it. What does he think about when he thinks about what I’ve gone through? Is he angry and hurt for me? Afraid for me – afraid I’ll never recover? Or – is he – disgusted – in any way – that I let … I let myself be - used like that? I’ll have to ask him someday - but I just can’t see asking him any time soon. I’ve had enough soul-baring for at least a few days. I’m tired. I guess I’ll go to sleep. I really hope I don’t have nightmares. God. I miss him already. I wish he’s call me. Call me and … just … call me.
She stared at the phone, and found herself willing it to ring. On cue.. it did.
And now...
She picked up the phone in eager haste, practically falling over in her excitement to hear his voice again. She was once again struck by the sheer craziness of the situation. I am excited about hearing his voice again? I could live an eternity never hearing Kal’s voice again, and that would be just fine.
“Hello?” She tried to keep the sound of her excitement out of her voice. No point in scaring him away with her enthusiasm.
She heard the tense sound of silence – and although she couldn’t hear breathing or a voice, she knew that there was a presence at the other end of the connection.
“Hello?” This time her voice was unsure, and she was fighting to keep the trembling out.
Again, there was no response, and she hastily dropped the phone back down in it’s base. She was shaking, and she backed away from the phone as if whoever had called her could somehow do harm just by reaching out through the phone.
She backed away to her couch, and sank down into it, adrenaline coursing through her, wiping out all of the warm and happy feelings that she had had from talking with Clark. In there place was a sick sense of dread and foreboding.
Oh god. Who was that?
The shrill sound of the phone ringing jarred her already heightened nerves. Please. Please be Clark. Please. Please. Please.
She slowly walked over to the phone, no eager haste pulling her forward – rather, she was fighting an urge to stay as far away from the machine as possible.
“Hello?” She tried to keep her voice neutral – no point in giving whoever it was a thrill.
Again. Silence.
She slammed the phone down, refusing to keep playing this game, and turned the ringer off. She stared uncertainly at the machine for a few long moments. I could call him. I could call him and tell him what’s happening – maybe he’d come back and… and what? Stay here all night? I can’t call him… it’s too weird to call him, and I don’t want him thinking that I’m so paranoid that I can’t even deal with this on my own. No point in being high maintenance – or more high maintenance than I already am. But I’m scared – I’ll never get any sleep tonight… I hate this – this being alone. It’s awful. I … I could call Lucy – and ask her to come here… it’s not really that dangerous to be out at this time, is it? She could always call Clark if she ran into trouble… that’s it – I’ll call Lucy!
She picked up the phone and dialed her sister with quick and nerveless fingers. As soon as she heard her sister pick up the phone, she gasped urgently into the receiver.
“Lucy! Thank god you’re home!”
“God, Lois, it’s 3 in the morning. Is something wrong?”
“I – well… kind of… I got this hang-up call… and it’s really freaking me out.”
“Oh – god ! Well – want me to come over?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice suddenly small and unsure. “Is that okay?”
“Of course! I’ll be over in 10 minutes.”
“Be – be careful. Okay – if you have any problems – call… call Superman, okay?”
“Don’t worry, I’m out late all the time. But I’ll call him if I need him.”
Lois resisted the urge to call her sister every minute on the minute after she hung up the phone. Lucy would be okay. Lucy would be there soon. She felt almost as if she wouldn’t be able to contain her fear for even 10 short minutes, when she heard Lucy’s knock at the door. She rushed over and looked through the peephole. Seeing Lucy outside, she opened the door for her.
“Come in! Come on! Quickly” She shut the door, and then locked all the bolts.
Lucy watched her fearful sister, and tried to hide the expression of horrified pity at this frightened woman her sister had become.
“Thank you so much!” Lois grabbed her in a tight hug, trying to keep from breaking down.
“Oh. Lois.” She hugged her sister hard, trying to impart to her some strength. God knows, Lois had done the same for her throughout most of their lives.
“Oh Lucy – it was – I was scared. I feel so much better with you here… “
“Do you think someone’s stalking you?” Her voice was hushed as she asked the scary question.
“I know that Lex Luthor has it in for me… and that’s bad enough.”
“Oh my god.”
“He hates me, Lucy. I … rejected his advances, quit my job with him, and then had the audacity to make friends with Clark.”
Her face fell. “Lois – a lot of people are angry about that, you know… you may have picked up a few enemies.”
“You mean in addition to all the people who hate me because I’m responsible for them being in jail, and all the people who hate me for daring to write bad things about Clark? Yeah. I know. I’ve had a few nasty encounters with my fellow journalists. It seems they all resent my getting the asteroid story after being so horrible to him. It could have been a random stranger making prank calls – but something inside me tells me it’s not.”
“If you feel that way, it probably wasn’t. You ever read ‘The gift of fear?’”
“No… and fear isn’t much of a gift if you ask me…”
“No – no – really. Really. It’s an amazing book – it doesn’t teach you to be afraid – it just talks about how people have learned to suppress their natural ‘gift’ of being able to sense danger.. animals have it, and so do we – but we talk ourselves out of that fear, or we block sensory input – by wearing headphones and listening to music while we walk, or by talking on the cell phone… we ignore our environment, and wander blithely around, which, if you think about it – is very dangerous.”
“Are you saying that we should blame the victim for not paying proper attention? I –“
“No! Never. But we CAN tune in more to our own feelings, and our environment. In doing so, we can protect ourselves better. We have to. If a rabbit is killed by a bear, is it the rabbit’s fault? The bear attacked the rabbit, the bear was hungry – and it’s almost an inevitability to get killed by some predator if you’re a rabbit – but the rabbit is able to avoid a lot of predators by using it’s instincts. We have those instincts, and we can and should use them too.”
“Hmmm… well – it’s not like I could have ever foreseen or sensed Tempus popping into existence – “
“No – that’s definitely outside the norm. I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to imply that you could have prevented what happened to you… but it’s a really good book. Worth a read. He wrote one about protecting children too. “
“I’ll check it out.”
“Cool.”
“So… I have something to tell you – and I kind of don’t know how to start. Uh.. you know that Clark and I have become friends… right?”
“Yeah. I think it’s great. I know why you felt the way you did – and I don’t blame you at all for it – but I’m relieved to see that things have gotten so good between you. If anything – he’s a good friend to have, just because he’s such a nice guy.”
“Well… it’s actually … we’re kind of more than friends now,” she said, not able to look her sister in the eye as she uttered those words. “I – I – kind of told him that I… might… have feelings for him… maybe… and – I – I even kissed him.”
“My GOD!” Lucy’s voice rose to a scream, causing her sister to flinch a bit from the sound.
“Lucy! Please…”
“How could you LET me stand here and jabber away for a good 20 minutes about other stuff when you should have been telling me about this? This is huge! You kissed him! You actually kissed him! How could that not have been the very first thing you said when you opened the door? Lois! How could you hold out on me! My god! My god!”
“Okay… Okay – I know – I know it’s huge.”
“So – so how was it? What did you say? What did he say? What did he do? Did he kiss you back? Did you kiss again? Oh god – oh god – please tell me – you didn’t – it wasn’t awful for you, right? You didn’t react badly? Oh – that would be so awful - ”
“Lucy… Lucy – please. I can’t get in a word.”
“Oh. Oh - Sorry. Sorry. It’s just so HUGE. You kissed him! You told him you had feelings for him – I mean – this is so glorious, Lois! This is just – amazing.”
“I – yeah. I know. It is – it is pretty amazing,” she said, a smile forcing it’s way onto her face.
“Oh – so it was good? Really good? I always imagined he would be so good to kiss!”
“Lucy!”
“No – no… I mean – I – I do find him attractive, Lois – but – I know that he never saw me that way, And I’m fine with that, you know – I’m not madly in love with him – if he had encouraged it in any way, I probably would be – but you two are soulmates Lois – meant to be… which is probably why you ended up being attracted to him despite it all!”
“Soulmates? Isn’t that a little – spiritual – for you? “
“I know, I know – but I believe it. I do – and he does too – and – and – deep down, can you honestly say you haven’t wondered?”
“He thinks we’re soulmates?”
“Didn’t he tell you?”
“He told me he was… that he really liked me – but – “
“Oh. Lois. Come on. He’s madly and forever in love with you. That’s a definite.”
“No …” Her voice trailed off uncertainly. “No – he can’t be.”
“Oh. Should I not have said anything,” she was suddenly distressed. “You aren’t afraid now – are you? You’re afraid to get involved? You don’t have to be afraid - don’t you see – this makes him even more … safe. A man who loves you would never hurt you – uh – physically. Doesn’t it help to know his feelings aren’t just based on physical attraction?”
“It’s not that I think he’ll hurt me… well –not physically – but… I - I could really hurt him… and that… hurts me…”
“Because you love him.”
“No! Lucy – no – I don’t know that I – “
“You love him. You do! And you’re denying it…. But you do love him… admit it!”
“Oh – I don’t know! I don’t know…. It’s too much, Luce. Too much to think about. Please don’t push me – I can’t … I – I can’t face those feelings just yet. Let me enjoy – the way things are now. Okay?”
“Okay – okay – we’ll stop talking about this… we can talk about – about you kissing him! How was it? Was it great? It had to have been – right? Unless it was awful – because of that bastard… oh god – was it? Was it – did it make you think of him? Please! I’m dying here, Lois! Talk. Spill!”
“It… it wasn’t awful. It – it… it was scary – and I think that’s all I felt – just the utter … overwhelming emotional impact of what I was doing – that I forgot to really … feel it. I … I think it would have … it only lasted a split second – it wasn’t even really a kiss… I just kind of brushed his lips with mine.”
“Oh – but what a start! What did he say?”
“Well – he… I kind of had to prompt him – he’s … unwilling to say or do much to freak me out.”
“Did he like it? Come on…. Did he try to kiss you again.”
“No – I mean – yes – I think he liked the fact that I kissed him… whether he liked the kiss itself… or whether he was disappointed – I really don’t know… but – no – he didn’t try again – I think he knew that he should just be as passive as possible in the encounter…”
“You have to have an idea as to whether he liked it or not – come on!”
“Well – I think he did!”
“Lois!” Her voice rose in an excited squeal again. “Of course he did!! Did he say he did?”
“Please – Lucy – stop yelling – it’s 3 in the morning – my neighbors will start complaining! He… yeah – he did… he did… tell me. And … when he left, he even … he even kissed me – “
“Oh my god! I thought you said he was passive about it – “
“On the cheek,” she finished, smiling despite her earlier fear. Lucy’s enthusiasm was bringing her back to that warm happiness that Clark had left her with.
“Oh… oh – well – “
“Come on, Lucy – you know he couldn’t have done anything else.”
“Actually – it’s so damned sweet,” she gushed. “So utterly Clark to do something like that. So I guess you’ll never wash that cheek again!”
“Do I look like Marcia Brady? But… yeah – it was a really nice – thing.”
“How come you never told me that you were falling for him?” Lucy tried to keep the hurt out of her voice, but knew she was unsuccessful.
“I… I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. I know how you feel about him – and me – and how we are supposed to be together – and – I was afraid your enthusiasm… might feel like pressure. I’m sorry. I needed to get here by myself – not because of what you wanted.”
“But, Lois – you never do what I want – so why – “
“Subconsciously I might have. I might have gotten caught up in your feelings and – I had to be sure – that I was with him for the right reasons. Even now – I wonder…”
“Wonder what?”
“If I made a huge mistake. When I think of having NOT done it, I feel really bad –I’m glad I told him – but at the same time, I feel this sense of pressure now – this sense… of being – almost… owned. Like – I somehow belong to him now.”
“Well- you kind of do – but I think – doesn’t he also belong to you? Isn’t that kind of a heady feeling? Of all the glorious women in the world who want him – he’s yours?”
“Possessing someone… disturbs me. It brings back a lot of… a lot of horror.”
“I’m sorry. That was insensitive. Of course – of course it would.”
“It’s okay, Lucy. You weren’t there – it’s natural you wouldn’t really see it the way I do. But yes – it feels – almost like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to worry about losing him while I try to heal from what happened to me. So I guess I’m just really ambivalent. It’s okay though. The overriding emotion right now is happiness and relief – relief that he didn’t reject me, and relief that he knows that there’s … something… something maybe worth waiting around for. All those other women out there – they try to – “
“Get their super-model claws in him. I know. Makes me sick.”
“Lucy… how different is what I’m doing from what they are doing?”
“They don’t love him. You do.”
“Lucy!!”
“Are you going to tell him about the phone calls?”
“Only if they keep happening – I’m hoping it was just a random thing.”
“Did you get anymore?”
“Uh – let me check the call log… I turned off the ringer.”
She went over and scrolled through the call log in her caller id box.
“No. None – I hope… I hope it doesn’t mean that someone is watching me and knows that I called you…”
“Lois… you need to tell Clark about this. If someone – like Lex Luthor – is… stalking you – he needs to know now.”
“Let me give it a day or two – if it continues – or if I continue to feel… like something bad is going on… I’ll call him. Okay?”
“Okay. You’d better. Because if you don’t – I will.”
“Lucy – “
“I lost you once. I’m not letting that happen again.”
[TBC]
