From Part 17:
She was contemplating the worst betrayal she could imagine. And yet…
Even if it was true, even if he had sought comfort from another woman, she would forgive him. If the torment he’d suffered meant that the crushing sense of loneliness had grown too burdensome, if the ache to feel the warmth of a heart beating against yours had been too great, and the need to prove to yourself that the human touch could convey something other than pain and cruelty had overwhelmed him, she would find a way to understand. Lois Lane, who would never tolerate infidelity, who would never play the longsuffering wife, was already prepared to forgive him.
But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
How could she even contemplate forgiveness?
How could she not?
********
Part 18:
Clark carried his sleeping son up the loose gravel driveway to the farmhouse, with Grandma and Grandpa following them up the path. It had taken all three days of the Corn Festival’s sugared treats, rides, and games to finally wear the little boy out. Tucked in his small arms was the stuffed elephant his daddy had won for him in the test of strength.
Just shy of the porch, he stopped and frowned as his hearing kicked in. He could make out the faint sounds of muffled crying coming from upstairs. Clark turned to his father. “Can you take Jon?” he asked quietly. His father said nothing and merely stretched out his arms to receive his little grandson. Clark saw his parents exchange a look of concern, but he was already turning to head inside.
He hated the thought of his wife crying. He rushed up the stairs, feeling the wrenching pain in his gut. Trying to calm himself down, he knocked softly on the door. “Lois? Is everything okay?” The soft sounds of weeping had stopped, but she said nothing. He eased the door open.
“Lois?” he whispered again.
She was sitting in the darkened room, on just the very corner of the foot of the bed, a large mug held between her hands. He could smell the oolong tea. Years ago, before he’d left, she’d taken to drinking it when she didn’t feel well. His wife turned slowly to look at him. Her eyes were red, but he’d already known that they would be.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked.
He watched as she swallowed roughly, a look of deep pain etched in her expression. For a long moment, she said nothing. Her eyes pleaded with him, silently begging him for some sort of reassurance, but how could he give that to her when he didn’t know what was wrong? “Commander Talan,” she began, her voice shaking. “Who was she to you?”
His eyes narrowed as he stared at her in disbelief. “What?” he asked, not sure he’d heard her correctly, his excellent hearing, notwithstanding.
“I…I saw the message she left you…”
“What message?” he heard himself demand.
“On the globe…”
He rushed to the dresser, where the large metal box still sat. Beside it was another globe. He snatched it up, holding it tightly in his fist. “Where did you get this? Where did you find this?” he pressed, agitation creeping into his voice
“It was with the others,” she snapped. He could hear the pain and anger mingling in her tone. She didn’t like his thinly shrouded accusation, but then again, he didn’t like hers, either.
He glanced back at the container and counted the globes inside. There were seven—the seven globes Tao Scion had given him.
But there was room for an eighth.
Idiot! He hadn’t noticed this extraneous little globe, which must have been slipped in with the others before he left. “What did she say?” he asked through gritted teeth. He turned away from her, unable to look at her, his whole body tensed.
“She’s a beautiful woman,” his wife whispered sadly. “You had to have noticed.”
The words seemed to grate on his nerves; the hairs on the back of his neck pricked upwards. He closed his eyes, trying to will his heart to stop thundering out of rhythm. “She didn’t just save my life,” he said softly. “She delivered me from hell. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t turn her into some sort of cheap home wrecker.”
“Did you love her?” He would have heard the heartbreak in her voice had it not been blotted out by the roar of his own rage.
“It wasn’t like that!” he shouted as he turned around suddenly. “You think I betrayed you, don’t you? Don’t you?!” he practically spat out the words.
A single tear fell from her eye. “I don’t know what to believe,” she whispered as she stared down into the mug in her hands, unwilling to make eye contact with him. “You were so upset about what happened there. You couldn’t tell me about it. And I saw that message and I knew that she loved you. I know what you went through would have broken anyone. If something happened between you and her…” Lois looked up at him with fresh tears in her eyes.
“I never touched her!” he snapped. She flinched at the severity of his tone. He watched as a shiver caused her body to shake; he couldn’t tell if it was relief or fear that seized her. His wife looked away from him.
“She was my friend,” he said, more harshly than he’d intended. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but she never showed me anything other than friendship and support. The reason I’m alive, the only reason I even resemble a human being, is her.” He could hear the tremor in his voice. Holding the globe tightly in his shaking hand, he walked out of the room.
********
He took off into the evening sky, with no plan of where to go or what he intended to do. His head swam, dizzy with anger. His heart still thundered from the argument. No, it wasn’t an argument. An argument could be civilized. This was a fight. It couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes, but as the entire drama played itself out in his mind, it seemed to drag on – a long interminable, painful affair. And when it finished, it would just restart again, from the beginning. No matter how many times the accusations and shouted retorts replayed themselves, it didn’t occur to him to wonder why, when facing his wife’s accusations, he’d had to defend Talan’s honor before defending his own.
He flew north, to the frigid arctic tundra—to a place where he could be as alone as he felt. He landed on a massive, silent glacier, drifting imperceptibly through the icy waters. Activating the globe, he immediately found the message from Talan and played it.
Seated at her desk, her uniform immaculate, her posture perfect, the general commander gazed clear eyed directly at her audience. “Good tidings, sir. I wish I could say it was with unqualified happiness that I record this message. I know that despite having an entire world at your beck and call for four years, the only thing that you ever wanted was to return home to the people you love. More than anyone I have ever known, you deserve to be happy, so I am tremendously pleased to see you begin the journey that will take you back to your family.” The corners of her mouth turned up ever so slightly, but it was a sad smile. “But I hope that you will forgive me some small measure of sadness in preparing this farewell, knowing I will never see you again, my dear friend.”
For one raw and hurried fraction of a second, her anguish shone through, deep and inconsolable. “You will be missed, sir. Not only by those of us who could count among the greatest privileges of our lives your friendship, but by people who never even met you. I have spoken to so many people who felt compelled to share with me the stories of how you changed their lives. How a letter from you brought comfort to a grieving family. How seeing you rescue the lost and the injured showed them how much you cared for every man, woman, and child in this world. How knowing that you fought and bled and nearly died to protect them gave them strength to keep fighting.
“We will miss your compassion, your strength, and most of all, your grace. I have never known anyone who bore the weight of their responsibilities so heavily, and yet administered authority with so light a touch as yours. You brought humanity to the dehumanizing business of war. You believed that we could be better than what we had become. And you made us want to try.” Her gray eyes glimmered a little more brightly than they did before. Her voice was just a little softer, her tone almost imperceptibly more hesitant.
“It seems almost absurd to try to thank you for what you have done for us. There are no words that can express the depth of my gratitude. We asked too much of you and selflessly, you offered everything you were. I hope…more than anything I have ever wanted before, I hope that going home gives you back what this world has taken from you. I saw how much it pained you to be away from your wife. I hope she can forgive us for the pain we must have caused her as well. I wish you both all the happiness life has to offer, and I promise you this: If there is anything in my power to do to protect this world, to safeguard the priceless gifts of life and peace bestowed upon it through the grace of the Houses of Lo and El, I will do it. We have taken too much from your family, both on Earth and on Krypton, to ever risk squandering it again.
“Goodbye, sir. Safe journey. And may fortune be with you and those you love all the days of your lives.” She set her lips in thin, straight line, as though she was trying to check her emotions for just a little while longer, but there was nothing harsh or severe in her expression. The look in her eyes was too wounded, too haunted for that.
He watched it in the original Kryptonian and then again in English, just to make sure the globe’s translation program hadn’t made some sort of mistake. It was a remarkable piece of technology, but there was always a small possibility of error. But in this case, every idiom, every phrase, every nuance was translated perfectly. Even the tone and inflection were accurately conveyed.
Numbly, he deactivated the globe. The message was thoughtful, gracious, and heartfelt. There was nothing untoward or inappropriate about it. And if he hadn’t had superpowers, he doubted he would have been able to read that briefest flash of emotion that crossed her face. If he’d seen it, Lois would have, too. But that one tiny glimmer of sentiment didn’t mean that Talan had loved him. She was his friend, was it that hard to believe that she might show the slightest hint of sadness at his departure?
Of course, he knew Talan. He knew how practiced her stoic demeanor was. Even a tiny show of emotion was exceedingly rare for her. But Lois wasn’t privy to these things. She had no way of knowing just how emotionally closed off the commander was. He sighed, reluctant to think about whether there was anything to his wife’s suspicions. But his mind wasn’t going to let him get away that easily. He couldn’t keep a thought in his head unless it was about the message on the globe. Had Talan really felt something other than friendship for him? He hoped not. Clark could still remember what it was like to love someone you were sure could never love you back. Of course, Lois had eventually come around. He would have hated being responsible for his friend feeling the way he had.
He remembered the day in the outer settlement, when Talan had raced off to intercept the would-be assassins that Nor had sent after him and Zara. She’d been pinned down below the ridge by enemy fire and a badly injured ankle. After he’d rushed to her aid, she’d become uncharacteristically upset with him, going so far as to chastise at him. Something had been troubling her and she’d refused to talk to him about it. Whatever it was, it seemed like it continued to bother her until the time he’d departed. He wasn’t so arrogant as to think that he was what had been preoccupying her thoughts, but if she did have strong feelings for him, it would explain why she wouldn’t talk to him about what was bothering her.
It was plausible, but that didn’t mean it was true. Even if it was, what exactly was he supposed to do? The harsh arctic wind whipped up around him. He wasn’t accomplishing anything here. All he was doing was hiding from his wife. With a despondent sigh, he took off and headed south toward home.
********
Hesitantly, he opened the bedroom door. The room was dark. He could see the silhouette of his wife, her back to him as she lay on the bed. “You are the only woman I’ve ever loved,” he said, his voice no more than a soft whisper. “From the moment I met you, you’re then only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with. There’s never been anyone else and there never will be.”
She rolled over to look at him. Even in the darkness, he could see the glimmer of tears in her eyes. “Clark,” she whispered, choking back a sob.
He crossed the room to lie down beside her. Gathering her into his arms, he could feel her body shudder. “I’m sorry I yelled,” he said softly as he stroked her hair.
“I shouldn’t have assumed. I should have known you never would have done that to me. I’m sorry,” she murmured.
“But I did betray you,” he said. He felt her body go rigid in his arms. “When Nor held me captive, when he was torturing me, I gave up. I wanted to die. I’d made a promise to you that I’d do everything I could to come home to you, but I prayed for death.” His voice cracked and broke. First one tear, and then another and another, fell from his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “God, Lois, I’m so sorry.” He felt her arms around him tighten.
“Oh, Clark,” she cried out his name between sobs. He could feel her tears wetting the front of his shirt where she’d buried her head against his chest. Beneath the muscle and bone, his heart was breaking.
“I tried to be strong,” he confessed miserably. “I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”
“Shhh…it’s all right. It’s all right,” she murmured. She began to stir, lifting her head from his chest. Her lips found his and she kissed him desperately.
He could taste her tears. Between sobs, he tried to catch his breath. She framed his face between her hands. Clark placed one hand on top of hers and turned to drop a kiss on her palm. He felt her thumb brush a tear away from his cheek. Their eyes met and he held her gaze. He expected to see anger there, but there wasn’t any. Instead, he nearly drowned in the depth of her anguish.
“I love you,” she whispered fiercely. “God, I love you so much. Please, don’t ever leave me again.”
“Never,” he promised. “I love you, Lois. I love you.” He kissed her again, holding her body so close to his he could feel her heartbeat. Her small hands began to unbutton his shirt. She parted the shirttails to place her head against his bare chest. It almost pained him to do so, but he let go of her long enough to shrug out of the old denim shirt. She cast off her own sweater. Between their tears, they slowly undressed each other, needing to feel the comfort of warm skin against skin. He buried his head against her shoulder, inhaling deeply her sweet scent. His lips brushed against the soft hollow at base of her neck.
She ran her hands through his hair and breathlessly whispered, “I need you, Clark.”
“Make love with me,” he murmured as he lifted his head to look at her. She caressed his face and kissed his lips. His guilt and his grief bubbled so closely to the surface. He hated the things that he’d told her. They were like a poison, a black and seeping cancer, which had festered in his body for too long. And though he felt the brief, sweet release that came with his confession, he wondered how they could go on with such a terrible truth looming over them like a shroud. He needed her. He needed her to soothe away the pain and the sadness and the regrets that haunted him in the darkness. He needed her to bind up the wounds of his soul. He needed to lose himself in her. He needed to find in her a reason to keep hoping, to keep believing that they’d be all right.
********
She stroked his hair and listened to the steady beating of his heart. His head was pillowed on her chest, his arms wrapped around her body. “I love you,” she whispered.
“Can you ever forgive me?” he asked plaintively.
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. “There’s nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. I know that I can’t understand what he did to you. What you had to endure. But you survived. You came home to me. And I saw how you touched the lives of the people around you. How much they loved and respected you. You did something for them no one else could. You are a good man. The best man I have ever known.”
She felt his body shudder as he sobbed. In the darkness, she cried with him, holding on to him just as tightly as he clung to her.
********
“Is everything all right?” her mother-in-law asked as soon as she stepped into the kitchen. Martha handed her a cup of coffee.
Lois gratefully took the hot mug and took a long sip as she tried to gather her thoughts. “Everything’s fine,” she replied. “I’m sorry about the yelling last night. We shouldn’t have had that argument in the house.” Lois followed the older woman to the kitchen table, where they both sat down.
Martha placed a reassuring hand on top of Lois’s. “Don’t worry about it. Jonathan and I both just want to make sure you two are all right,” she said.
Lois sighed. “We’re okay.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah,” Lois replied with a hesitant nod. “It was just a misunderstanding. Mostly.”
Martha favored her with a sympathetic smile. “Is it anything you want to talk about?”
She fumbled for the words. “I would, but…”
“It’s all right, you don’t have to say anything.”
Lois bit back another sigh. “We’re talking about what happened. And I am so glad that he’s opening up, but I’m afraid things are going to get worse before they get better. I feel like I know now why it was so hard for him to tell me anything. Dr. Friskin knows about us. She wants to talk to both of us. I think it might help.”
Martha nodded in quiet understanding. “If there’s anything Jonathan and I can do to help, just let us know.”
“Thank you,” Lois replied.
********
He squeezed her hand a little tighter as he knocked softly on the door. Having Lois with him usually made everything more bearable. This time, it seemed even harder. What else could he expect, though, given how much he was dreading the conversation they were about to have? Dr. Friskin opened the door and greeted them with her usual warmth.
The furniture in the office had been rearranged so the doctor’s wingback chair faced a pair of armchairs, situated close to one another. He sat down and automatically reached for Lois’s hand, silently pleased to realize that she’d done the exact same thing. Taking her smaller hand in his, he drew strength from the simple contact. She was still here, she was going to do this with him. It was two super-powered beings against one diminutive shrink, surely their odds weren’t that bad.
“I’m very glad to see both of you here,” Dr. Friskin began. “But I believe there was something very specific that precipitated this session, is that right?”
Clark drew in a deep, shaky breath. His pulse pounded loudly in his ears and he swallowed around the boulder that had wedged itself in his windpipe. He closed his eyes and exhaled just as unsteadily. “We had an argument…”
He and Lois took turns explaining what had transpired, not interrupting each other so much as taking over for one another when each found it too difficult to continue. Dr. Friskin listened thoughtfully, nodding occasionally, but letting them speak freely.
Silence reigned for a long while among them until Dr. Friskin finally spoke. “Lois, what about the message led you to believe that Clark may have had an intimate relationship with the commander?”
He heard her sigh. “Clark mentioned Commander Talan twice before,” she began with a harsh edge to her tone as she said Talan’s name. “She’d saved his life and captured Nor, so I knew she was someone he respected, maybe even admired. But her message…it wasn’t anything she was saying. I mean, I’m not even sure what it was she said, but there was just this look in her eyes. I knew she loved him. I didn’t want to believe it, but one of the few things Clark would tell me about New Krypton was that he was ashamed of what he’d done there.” Clark watched his wife out of the corner of his eye, but said nothing. Her eyes were flooded with tears. He bit his lip.
“So you thought that perhaps he’d been unfaithful?” The question was a harsh one, regardless of how gently it had been put.
“I didn’t know what to believe,” she said with a said shake of her head. He could hear the tears in her voice. “He was so upset about what had happened there. But I had no idea what that meant. I didn’t want to believe it, but I was afraid. And I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe…”
“How did you feel about that?”
“Awful. Like I’d been ripped in two,” she admitted. Her hand slipped from his and she brushed away a tear. He set his jaw grimly. This wasn’t much easier to hear the second time around. “But I…” she trailed off, her voice seemingly failing her. “I already knew I was going to forgive him.”
His breath left him in a ragged sigh. She’d thought pretty much the worst of his behavior. She’d imagined the ultimate betrayal. She believed he’d wronged her in the one way he hadn’t. And yet she was saying now that she would have forgiven him. Just like that. Maybe it was that simple. But maybe it was easier for her to offer forgiveness now that she knew the truth.
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
Clark turned to face his wife, but she dropped her gaze to her lap. “It would have been completely different if we’d been together and I’d thought he’d been unfaithful. But we were apart for four years and I knew he’d been through hell. And I knew I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. If something had happened…” An awkward silence settled over all three of them.
“Clark, do you understand why Lois thought something might have happened between you and the commander?”
He felt his jaw clench as he nodded abruptly. “I know that I haven’t told her much about New Krypton, leaving her to guess at what I meant when I said I wasn’t proud of what I’d done there. But I’m not shutting her out because I don’t want to talk to my wife. Talking about these things is like re-living them. And there’s only so much I can handle. To know that she thought I could have done that to her…” he trailed off, not sure how to finish the thought.
“I didn’t want to confront him about it. I knew it was going to lead to a fight,” Lois said miserably. “But I’d just watched the message when everyone came home. I didn’t manage to pull myself together. Clark saw me crying. He asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know what else to say.”
“And how did you respond to when Lois asked you what had happened?”
“Not well,” he admitted with a bemused, humorless laugh. “It hurt like hell. I never…I …Lois was right that she wasn’t there when I was at my worst. I relied on Talan…I talked to her about things I would have talked to Lois about. She was my friend when I needed one badly. I needed my wife. And she wasn’t there. And that was my fault. I decided to leave. I thought I could do what the Kryptonians needed me to do.” He lifted his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose as he blinked back tears. “But I never…I couldn’t have…” The blinking didn’t work. A tear slipped down his face and he swiped it away with the back of his hand. “Nor took everything from me. My position, my supporters, my desire to keep breathing.” He turned to look at his wife, the anguish in her expression mirroring what he felt. “But he couldn’t take away you. I loved you. I will always love you. That was all that was left of me.”
Fresh tears fell from his wife’s eyes as she fumbled to take his hand once again. She held tightly, like she was afraid to let him go. “Clark,” she whispered sadly. The room was painfully crowded, but he didn’t think this would be that much easier if his therapist wasn’t there.
He closed his eyes and dragged his trembling hand through his hair. His mouth was dry and his throat raw, but he had to keep going, because if he didn’t say this now, he had no idea when he’d get the courage to do so. “I was never tempted, but I thought about it. Not because I wanted to be with someone else, but because I wanted to die. I thought about being unfaithful because so long as there was something good left in me, I couldn’t just give up and die on that damn rock.” He knew it didn’t make sense. He was confessing to having considered something so terrible, right after describing how angry he’d been because his wife had thought he might have actually done it.
He could hear his wife weeping openly. “Would you like me to give you a few minutes?” he heard Dr. Friskin ask softly.
“Yes,” Lois managed, her voice a strangled whisper. “Please.”
He still hadn’t opened his eyes. The door closed behind the therapist with a soft ‘click.’ Before he knew what had happened, he was on his feet, pulling his wife into his arms. Her body shook with powerful sobs as he held her tightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, over and over again.
“Please,” she murmured. “Please, don’t let me go.”
“Never,” he gritted out before being choked by the emotions building up in his chest.
********
Dr. Friskin had been gone for quite a while, but Lois still didn’t feel like she could pull herself together. Her husband’s words had obliterated her. She was trying to pick up the tiny, fragile shards, but there wasn’t enough left of her. All the pieces, they didn’t add up. There was a giant, gaping hole where her heart had been. Failing miserably in her attempts to wipe away the tears, she tried to at least calm her breathing.
“I’m sorry,” Clark whispered mournfully.
“Me too,” she replied. Her voice was barely audible, a pathetic sound that squeaked past the lump in her throat.
He titled her chin up and their teary eyes met. “Can you forgive me?”
She nodded miserably before throwing her arms around his neck and closing the distance between them. She held him tightly, running one hand through his dark, thick hair. “I love you,” she whispered. “I always will.”
His head fell to her shoulder. “I love you,” he said softly. “I love you.” After a long moment, he withdrew, seemingly reluctantly. Off her hesitant nod, Clark crossed the room and opened the door. Dr. Friskin followed him back in a few seconds later.
“Are you okay?” she asked the both of them. Lois nodded mutely. They retook their seats and she took Clark’s hand once again. Their fingers interlaced. “Clark, it took tremendous strength to do what you just did. There is no weakness in it. The frailties you saw in yourself, the things that you regret, these are human and ordinary and they were the responses of a man who’d suffered the extraordinary. And I want you to consider the fact that Lois has told you that in the same moment she thought the worst, she was already preparing herself to forgive it.”
“I know,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“Lois, it hurts you to know that Clark endured these things, doesn’t it?”
“Of course,” she whispered harshly.
“But you still want to be involved. Why?”
“Because maybe it’ll help. Because it hurts so much more to think that Clark’s going through this alone.”
“I know that perspective is next to impossible to obtain when trying to work through something like this, but Clark, I want you to really think about what Lois is telling you. Lois knows that this won’t be easy, she knows that this process is going to hurt. And that she’s going to have to let it. But she wants to be a part of it anyway because of how much she cares about you. Only the two of you can decide how you want to proceed, but you have someone who loves you and is committed to supporting you. I think that’s exactly what you need. If you’re both willing, I’d like to meet again next week.”
She looked at her husband with trepidation. He hesitated for a moment before nodding slowly. “We’ll do it,” he said.
********
They parted ways after the session was over, he to return to the farm, she to fly a patrol. Tomorrow, he would help his father finish the last of the work for the fall harvest and she would fly commercial with Jon back to Metropolis. Clark and Jon would have the week to explore Metropolis together while she worked on her article.
She was suddenly very thankful for the mask, which did a decent job of hiding the fact that she’d been crying. The long conversation they’d just had with Dr. Friskin was weighing heavily on her mind and though she wasn’t deluded enough to believe that it was over, she needed a few moments’ reprieve. No, she and Clark still had a tremendous amount to talk about, but she wasn’t sure how they were going to get through it. Hearing him say again how he’d given up when Nor held him prisoner tore her apart. As had his most recent confession, that he had considered infidelity…it shouldn’t have been so shocking, especially given that she’d thought that very same thing. But to hear how and why he’d considered it. Her stomach turned.
Lois blinked back fresh tears as she made her first sweep over Suicide Slum. She needed some crime to fight. Or a bridge to hold up. Or a kitten to rescue from a tree. Anything to take her mind off it.
