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Part 2: Depths
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I’m sitting on my bed crying. I don’t think the door was all the way closed when the tears started. Where did all the anger come from? Where did it go?
Why did Superman have to come here tonight? I guess I must have known something like this might happen. As soon as I saw him outside my window I tried to tell him to go away, but he didn’t seem to care. He came on in and I lost it.
I can’t believe I yelled at Superman. Not only yelled, I pushed him toward the window. He might have fallen through. Not that he could get hurt. Not like Clark.
Clark… Why did you have to die tonight? Dillinger probably wouldn’t have hurt me and Clyde would have had no reason to shoot if you would have just stayed back. I should have known that you’d try to protect me. You were always trying to do stuff like that.
It hurts so much. It’s like a dull ache everywhere in my body. I didn’t know something like this could cause physical pain. What god did I offend to be hurt so badly? How can I hurt so much when I need so little? How can men cause me so much pain?
Even Superman… One time I told him my feelings and even the great hero kicked me in the gut that night. Well, right now, I’m just as glad. Hero… yeah, right!
But not you, Clark… Of the men that mattered, you were the one where I kicked first. You told me one time that you loved me, and I wasn’t even really listening. Well, that’s not true. I was listening but not thinking. I finally came to my senses, but before I could say anything, you took it back.
I’ve always wondered which was the lie. Was it your declaration of love, or the retraction? In the months since that day, I’ve come to believe you really did tell the truth on that park bench. If I would have gone first that day in front of the Planet, would you have said something else?
Superman showed me something else that night I embarrassed myself in front of him. When he chooses to, he can be as rude as any man I’ve met. The remark about needing a lead-lined robe made me feel small. I couldn’t believe he was so insensitive. But it was just that one time. Even just now, I screamed, cursed, and even shoved him. Tonight he never got angry. The more I yelled, the more he looked – hurt.
Why was that night different? Of all the times and situations where I’ve seen Superman, that was the only time he’s ever been rude. All I did was ask Clark to send him to me…
Clark sent him! Whose offer of love I just brushed off, and then asked to have Superman visit my apartment. Clark told him what happened – and Superman was angry. He was angry because I dismissed Clark to offer myself to him.
I guess that makes a certain sense. If Clark really was in love with me, he might have been bitter that day. But would he tell Superman? The only person I’d tell something like that would be my best friend.
Maybe Clark did tell his best friend. That would explain why Clark can always get him a message. I never thought about it, but what if Clark is Superman’s best friend? …was his best friend?
It wasn’t just my Clark that was killed tonight. It was his Clark as well. Maybe we both lost our best friend this evening.
Could it be that Superman came by tonight because he needed to talk to someone? He probably feels terrible and I jumped all over him.
What I said! I was so unfair. I need to talk to him. Maybe I can go to my window and call for him. Perhaps the roof would be better. He might not come back. After what I said… what I did.
I need to try. As I stand I realize how tired I feel. That anger… now that it's gone I feel so empty. I wish there was someone to hold me. I wish Clark was here.
But Clark’s gone. The thought triggers a chill. I feel so cold. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel warm again.
Right now I have to see if I can reach Superman. He’s not Clark, but he deserves better than I gave him tonight.
As I start for the door I have to hope that he’s still in the area. Maybe if I go up to the roof and yell a few times he’ll give me another chance and we can mourn our lost friend together.
TBC
