Part 44...
“Lois… you need to tell Clark about this. If someone – like Lex Luthor – is… stalking you – he needs to know now.”
“Let me give it a day or two – if it continues – or if I continue to feel… like something bad is going on… I’ll call him. Okay?”
“Okay. You’d better. Because if you don’t – I will.”
“Lucy – “
“I lost you once. I’m not letting that happen again.”
Part 45
The next day, Lois and Lucy spent the morning together visiting their parents. Afterwards, Lois spent the rest of the day by herself. She spent a long time wandering around Metropolis, and as she wandered, she thought of Clark.
I want to call him. I really do. I miss him – I even want to see him. But – I can’t… not with all this hanging over me. He’ll know something is bothering me – and he’ll probably be way too… considerate – I guess is the word… to push for answers. But he’ll know – and then I’ll feel like I’m hiding things- and I don’t want to start things off like that. We should be honest with each other. I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping important things from him. At the same time, I don’t want to be an idiot about this. Now that I’m out of the apartment, and now that it’s broad daylight – I feel kind of like I might have overreacted. Things always seem more frightening at night, when you are alone, and especially if you’re sleep deprived. It’s probably nothing, and I’m just overreacting because of my past trauma. I can handle this on my own. But I can’t handle seeing him – no matter how badly I want to – I just don’t want him to feel like I’m keeping secrets. I hate this! I hate feeling like this! I don’t want to feel like this! And what about him – how will he feel if I don’t call? Will he feel badly? Will it make him feel like I’m not thinking of him, or that I didn’t want to talk to him? I guess it’s a step in the right direction that I’m not obsessing over making him angry. I wish I could call and just leave a message. No – really - I really just wish I could see him – to talk to him… to have him smile at me the way he does. But – I’ll see him soon, and I’m sure by then, this will be over. Done. In the past.
As the day drew to an end, she debated sleeping over at her parents’ house. Lucy had also offered to stay another night, but Lois felt like either of those choices would be handing a victory to whoever was threatening her. No one chases me out of my home! Regardless of her indignant bravado, however, she was terrified to go home.
She arrived at her apartment, and stood for a long while in front of the door before she finally got up the nerve to put the key in. As soon as she was in, she felt that the walls were closing in on her. She felt panic and dread squeeze her heart. God! This is my home. I should feel good walking in here. Happy. Safe. Not like this – not sick with dread. I can’t let whoever is doing this to me win!
Looking over at her answering machine, she saw the blinking light that heralded the presence of a new message and nervously approached the machine. She stared at it a long while, and then finally forced herself to reach out and stab the play button.
‘Hi Lois. It’s Clark – I hope you don’t mind my calling. I had to call – I just wanted to hear your voice – and hey – hearing it on the machine was a decent substitute for the real thing! Hope you’re doing well – and that you managed to get some sleep last night. I miss you – and I’m looking forward to seeing you again! No need to call back or anything – I just felt like saying ‘Hi’ – and so… ‘Hi’!
She caught herself smiling at the simple friendliness of his message. He seemed much more comfortable talking with her than he had in the past – even on her machine, and she thrilled to the fact. She also was pleased to note that her own reaction was a good one – instead of feeling threatened or menaced by his voice, she felt suddenly a little safer and happier than she had before.
She checked her caller ID log, and verified that there had been no other calls. Realizing that she was holding her breath, she slowly released the breath out of tense, taut lungs. The feeling of relief that she felt was short-lived, however. The night was far from over, and there was still plenty of time in which to get another hang-up call. Worse, it was likely that if this was a deliberate attempt to frighten or stalk her, the caller would likely repeat the pattern of calling late at night. That thought filled her with a sense of impending dread, and she paced her apartment restlessly, not wanting to give into her weariness. But finally, she decided that the best thing she could do was get some sleep. If anyone broke in, she could call Clark – he would be there in less than a second. I really am safe. Mostly safe, that is… but… he’s really – it’s like he’s here. I can count on him to help me. He always does – and he always will.
At 1 AM, she was brutally awakened by the shrill sound of the ringing phone.
Oh god. It’s him. Or them. Or whoever. But… this isn’t a coincidence.
She felt her heart pounding in her ears and throat as she edged closer to the phone, it’s jangling ringing piercing her senses. She stood quietly, waiting for it to stop ringing. Maybe if whoever it was thought she wasn’t home… Finally, it stopped, and her machine picked up. She waited tensely for her machine to finish the greeting and then she listened carefully. There was long silence, and then a menacing click. This wasn’t a wrong number. It was a deliberate attempt at scaring her.
As she knew it would, the phone rang again. Despite expecting it, she jumped back in startled fear. Fed up with it all, she picked up the phone in angry haste.
“Who is it? What do you want?” Her voice was angry and challenging.
<Click>
Lois threw the phone down as if she were shaking a furry tarantula off of her arm. She was trembling wildly, and she felt an old and very familiar sense of helpless panic overtake her. She was very tempted to cry.
No. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not give in to him. I survived Lord Kal. Whoever this is can’t hurt me. I won’t let him.
She stared at the phone in loathing, and thought about what she could do. She wanted very badly to have Clark there. Desperately. She wanted him to stay the night even. Not as a lover of course – that was still far too horrifying to contemplate, but her worries in that direction were eclipsed by her current situation. She knew she couldn’t spend another moment there alone.
An iron hand seemed to squeeze her heart as a desperate plan took form. I have to get out of here. Now. Right away. Danger lurked, and she had to get away from it. Immediately. If she stayed, she would be hurt. She had to leave. Driven by this instinctive and frightened urge, she quickly rushed around her apartment throwing things that she would need in a bag. She grabbed her purse and keys and rushed over to her front door and peered out the security window to see if there was anyone out there. No one. It’s clear. Emboldened by her adrenaline surge, she flung open her door, and headed for her car.
Wildly trembling fingers failed on several attempts to insert the key into the lock, but finally, she was in her car. I have to get one of those remote door lock things. She quickly locked the doors after ensuring that she was alone in her car, and drove hastily out of her parking spot.
Once she was on the road, she took a deep breath. Safe. For now. I hope. I hope. I am. Safe. No one can hurt me now. I’m a moving target. I’m not a sitting duck anymore.
Now that she was a little calmer, she began to actually think about what she was doing. Where the hell am I going? I could go to mom and dad’s… or Perry’s… or Lucy’s… or… dare I even think it… Clark’s? Is that where I really want to go? Oddly… strangely… miraculously… it is. I really do want to go to Clark’s. Of course – it’s because I know I’m safe with him – very little can hurt him, and if someone is after me – I’ll be most safe with him… right? And it’s not like he’s going to get the wrong idea… he wouldn’t, would he? He won’t think I’m making a pass or anything… no… he wouldn’t. He’s far too aware and worried about what I might be thinking to ever think that. So… I’m safe. I don’t need to worry… about him… doing anything – unwanted. But… then there’s the other thing. Won’t he wonder why I hadn’t told him about this before? I could tell him that it just started happening – but I can’t lie. I’m really bad at lying, and worse… I’d feel awful lying… Kal used to accuse me of lying when I hadn’t. He would accuse me of coming on to his friends… of throwing myself at them – and when I denied it, he would tell me I was lying. Of course, he did that just for his own enjoyment. It amused him to make up reasons to hurt me. To make it my fault – even though we both knew it never was my fault. But Clark – he wouldn’t ever hurt me. It’s … me hurting him – that I want to avoid. I don’t want him to feel badly – what if he walks away from us – what if he thinks a relationship without trust isn’t worth having? Because it isn’t… and since it isn’t… and since I want this… I have to tell him the truth.
As she fretted about his possible reaction, she stopped at a light. Her car idled for a few seconds and then her engine sputtered to a dead stop. Repeatedly she tried restarting it, but to no avail. She was stranded.
Damn Stupid Car! Why does this kind of thing keep happening to me? Did I break a million mirrors in a previous life? Why me? I cannot believe it. This is incredible. Here I am… I’m out at this ridiculous, lonely and scary hour – driving to a man’s house to spend the night because I’m too scared to be at home. And not just any man. A Kryptonian man. Not just any Kryptonian man. THE Kryptonian man. The man who is the identical twin to a man who made my life a living hell. And why am I doing that? Because some bastard is trying to scare me out of my mind. So … thank you FATE for doing this to me. I really appreciate it. Really. Thanks. You shouldn’t have. Really. Really shouldn’t. It’s hard enough for me to be doing this – going to his place – unannounced… in the middle of the night… god – this is hard enough. I didn’t need added trauma. Whoever is scripting my life had better change things soon. Otherwise, I won’t be held responsible for what I do. You hear me out there? Make things better!
After her initial outburst of anger, she tried to get herself under control. Ok. Girl. Relax. It’s not really as bad as all that. I can just call him for help. Yell – help superman. It’s not like I won’t already be waking him up. This is nothing. He’ll be here instantly. So just do that. Yell. Help. Superman. Help. Do it! Come on. Why is it so hard? I’m not afraid to see him – it’s not that… I’m just – oh – god… damsel in distress. I hate that so much. I don’t want him to see me as so damned needy all the time. Of course – going over, in the middle of the night because I’m afraid of a stupid wrong number? Yeah – that’s high up there on the needy scale. You know what? This really sucks!
Self pity won, and she started crying. Everything seemed so hopeless. Why do things always have to be so hard? I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what I should do.
Suddenly, she heard a voice outside her car.
“Lois?”
She jumped in fear. She saw a shape outside, and it took her few moments to realize it was Clark. Or – in this case, Superman. She opened the door, unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped outside.
“Oh god. Clark! How – how did you know – did I broadcast to you or something?”
“Actually – I just happened to be out… a call for help, and then I saw your car. What’s wrong, Lois? You’re crying! Are you okay? Did something happen to you?” He was horrified to see her like this – fearing that something awful had happened. He desperately wanted to ask her where she was going at two in the morning, but he repressed that urge firmly. He didn’t want her to think that he was being possessive, jealous and controlling. God knows, she had enough of that from Lord Kal.
“I – I – Oh Clark. My car won’t start up again! I’m stuck… I was stuck here.”
“Why didn’t you call for me?”
“I… I didn’t want to – “ Look like a helpless idiot. Which is what I am.
“You didn’t want to… call me?”
“No. You don’t understand. I – didn’t want to bother you. I know – you’re thinking that it’s not a bother… but to me – I’m tired of always needing help! It bothers me. You know? It bothers me – to always need help!”
“Okay,” he soothed her. “I can see how it might sometimes feel like you do – but mostly – it looks to me like you’ve been doing fine on your own.”
“It doesn’t feel like that,” she whispered.
“Okay. I’m here though – so can I help you?”
“Yes,” she said softly.
“Uh.. it actually looks like you’re out of gas.”
She looked at her gauge and groaned.
“Am I really that stupid? My god – I could have sworn I had at least a quarter tank. I never run out of gas… Clark – maybe… could someone have done this – deliberately?”
“Sure. It’s possible.”
“But not likely. Right? I mean – you’re thinking I probably just forgot – “
“No. Lois. I don’t think that at all. Do you think this was a deliberate act ? If you do, then I do too.”
“Uh… well… maybe…”
“So… do you want me to take you home? I can get your car after I drop you off and help you get it fuelled tomorrow.”
“No!”
“You… is it – you don’t want to go flying with me? I get that… it’s okay… I could call you a cab! And I can wait here with you – because… I can’t just leave … I’m sorry – I don’t want to be in your space or anything – but it’s late out, and … isolated… and - “
“I… I – I didn’t mean – I … I don’t want to go back home. Don’t you want to know where I was going?”
“He looked at her with a guilty expression in his eyes. “Well… I was kind of wondering – only because it’s so late. But you know – I really don’t want you to feel like … I don’t want you to think I’m – “
“Like Lord Kal. I know. I… I can see that. But I want you to … to act normally around me, Clark – if this thing – if it has a chance, we have to learn to be normal around each other. And normally – you’d ask someone – right - if I was a stranger – out this late, like this? Wouldn’t you?”
“Actually – no. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t know you. Especially not then. I don’t want people to feel like I’m threatening them, or bullying them, or trying to somehow impose curfews… you know? If I asked people what they were doing, why they were doing it – It would be like imposing some kind of weird policing on them… this is a free country – and people have the right to act as they want-within the law.”
”But – you do help with stopping crimes and … don’t you ask questions then? At least to the criminals?”
“I’m not a police officer. I’m a citizen – and I help out… but I leave police work to the police – I do my part... you know – stopping the crime – and then giving any information I might have – as a citizen and witness. Maybe people appreciate the help, but they won’t if the help comes with the price of less freedom.”
“God – what a fine line you have to walk – you probably get accused of being too remote and distant because you don’t ask questions, but if you did, you’d be worrying people.”
“Life as an alien. I – I’m here – on earth, at the … will of the people – if they decided I was a threat and asked me to leave, wouldn’t I just have to do that?”
“No! It wouldn’t happen – but god – no! You have every right to be here – as much as anyone else. Who cares if you were born on earth, or sent here – you’ve been here your whole life, contributed to this society more than most people. It’s not fair that you would have to leave if people asked.”
“Thanks… that really means a lot,” he said, smiling in genuine pleasure at her heated defense of him. “So – uh… since it’s okay to ask… where were you going?”
“Your place.”
“My what?”
“Your apartment. I was going to your apartment.”
“Why? Not – not that you aren’t always welcome – but – why? Did something happen at your place?”
She attempted to sound breezy and off-hand. “Nothing really… but last night and then again, tonight, someone called me a few times and then hung up… it wasn’t the kind of hang-up you associate with a wrong number – but rather, the kind meant to scare a person… you know, a long pause, and then a hang-up. I mean – it could be nothing… but…”
“It sounds really nerve-wracking.”
“I didn’t tell you – because – well… at first, I hoped that I was just overreacting… that it really was a one-time thing. The fact that it happened again… makes me think it might be a big deal. So… I was… can I… borrow your couch for the night?” She felt suddenly shy and awkward asking the question. Let’s spend the night together. Now I need you more than ever.
“Absolutely. “
“So it’s not – a problem? Doesn’t feel like an invasion of space to you? You aren’t thinking – god, we just started this relationship and now she’s always around?”
”Not at all. Lois – first of all – I like being around you. So – spending more time with you – that’s always a good thing… but – also – you can always count on me, you know… this is not at all a big deal or an imposition – or – any of the other things you might be worrying about. Okay? I really would tell you if it were.”
“But – you could always just take me to my parents house, or I could ask the Whites – I don’t have to come over. “
“Yes – you could. Is that what you want?”
“No. I really want to come over.”
“Then that’s – “
“But – I don’t want to be this person you always have to baby-sit - “
“You aren’t. This isn’t that. Really. It’s okay.”
“Good! So… so… your place.” She looked at him, and she felt suddenly nervous. “Uh – so… flying. Right?”
“Is that okay with you?” His voice was very gentle.
“It… yeah. It’s okay.”
“No – awful- flying experiences?” His expression was worried as he awaited her answer.
“Oh – you mean – over… over there… uh… no. No – nobody ever flew with me… “ She winced, remembering some rumors she had heard of humans being dropped, just for kicks. Recollecting herself back into the present, she was startled by the compassion in his eyes. She gave him a smile that was mostly genuine. “I’m okay. Really. I’m fine – especially now that you’re here. Don’t you know,” her smiled widened. “You just saved the day?”
He smiled back. “So… is now a good time?”
She felt a very sudden tug of nerves. Fear and apprehension and even anticipation – all warred together, churning her stomach and making her dizzy. She closed her eyes against the feeling, trying to get it under control.
“So… how do we do this?” Her voice was suddenly a whisper.
“Well … if I put my arm around your waist, I can just lift off like that. I know that might be too close for comfort, Lois – and I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to take a cab?”
“No. I don’t – let’s do this – this can be done. It’s doable. Come on. I’m ready,” she said, suddenly feeling anything but ready. The sensation she was feeling was not unlike the sensation she had felt when learning to skydive. It was like that moment just before making that jump. Terrifying – her heart in her mouth, frightened, but also eager to know what it would be like.
What if he feels like Lord Kal? What if his arm around me feels like his. What if his body against mine feels like his? How can I hold it together – and if I do have a bad flashback… or a panic attack… how can I get through it?
He sensed her fear, but didn’t want to upset her by calling attention to it.
“Just let me know if you feel overwhelmed. Okay?”
She nodded. “Overwhelmed. Sure. Uh… feeling overwhelmed right now… but… ” She closed her eyes again, feeling the waves of panic hitting her, and not wanting him to see it in her eyes. “Okay… I’m ready!”
Her eyes were closed, and she tensely waited for him to put an arm around her. It was almost harder like this, because she felt her fear increasing at the simple fact that she had cut off a major sensory input. But she really didn’t want him to read her fear, plain and clear, in her eyes. She forced herself not to jump when she felt his arm come gently around her. The contact did shock her, and she felt as if she had been burned. The expectation of what it would feel like had whipped her up into such a state of nervous anticipation that she was amazed that so far, she wasn’t having any bad flashbacks.
She forced herself to calm down, trying to take in each sensation at a time. She could feel the side of her body in contact with his. As panic began to tighten in her gut, she mentally willed herself not to start remembering times when she had last been so close to a body very much like this one. He’s helping me. Not hurting me. He doesn’t deserve this from me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” What was that I said about being honest?
“I’m going to lift-off – is that okay? Are you okay with that?”
“Yes. I’m – I’m okay.”
As soon as she said those words, he lifted off, the motion causing him to tighten his hold a bit, bringing her closer to his body. The increase in contact and the tightening of her hold immediately brought about a feeling of being trapped. Of being menaced. She tried to will herself to relax, to not have any bad memories, any bad flashbacks, but they seemed to push at the edges of her consciousness.
He had felt the sudden change in her – she had been very tense, her body shaking even, when he had first held her , but now, it was even more pronounced. He wanted to ask her if she was okay, but it sounded stupid and superfluous. Also, he didn’t want to cause her more distress by the sound of his voice, or even to make her feel like she needed to lie to keep him flying. Repeated stops and starts wouldn’t really help her out … it would just prolong the journey, and along with it, her fear. I’ll stop if she asks – but otherwise… might as well just keep going.
She felt an almost absurd need to laugh at her own fear. God. We’re flying, and I – I’m acting like an idiot. How can I ever hope to- to … to ever get close to him – if I can’t even handle this I need to just –just - enjoy this – I mean – I’m flying, for crying out loud. Flying. He gets to do this all the time – and wow – it is pretty cool. She opened her eyes, and got lost in the beauty of the lights below. It’s like being a bird! Hang-gliding… sky-diving – it’s nothing like this! I’ve dreamt of having wings my whole life.
He landed, and she realized that they were on his balcony. He let go of her as soon as she was balanced on her feet, and stepped away from her, trying to give her the space he was sure she would need.
“Wow,” she gasped. “Wow. So that’s flying. Wow!”
He smiled at her enthusiasm. “I know. I love to fly. It was the one power that made being so different worth while.”
He opened the door and stood aside. “Please, come on in,” he said, trying to sound casual and reassuring.
“Thanks,” she said, suddenly very much aware that she was here, at his apartment – with the intent of spending the night. Platonic as it may be, she still felt very awkward about the whole idea.
After she came in, she looked up over at him, and was startled to see him as Clark.
“God. If I could change that fast… wow…”
“I have the added incentive of hating being dressed like that…”
“You said that once – and – I guess I understand. Why continue it, if you hate it?”
“Because – oddly enough, it helps me lead that normal life I crave. It really sets that part of my life away from this part of my life –the human part. People treat me differently – they actually mostly treat me like a normal person when I look like this – and I think it’s because I’ve separated these two worlds I live in by making ‘superman’ so utterly conspicuous.”
“So you hide in plain view – by dressing in such a way that you attract attention, you actually end up being better able to just blend into the crowd as Clark. Wow. It actually makes a strange kind of sense, and clearly, it does work.” She yawned widely. “Oh. God. Sorry about that.”
“Hey – you’re tired. It’s the middle of the night, and … late night yesterday too. Let me get you the things you’ll need, and I’ll see you in the morning.” He forced himself to sound casual and matter-of-fact. He didn’t want her to feel an ounce of concern that he had misunderstood her request to spend the night. He really wanted to offer her the more comfortable sleeping environment – the bed… but he knew that in this case, the couch really was what she wanted. She would feel bad about pushing him out of his space, and then there was just the very intimate association of sleeping in his bed. He desperately didn’t want her having nightmares.
“Thanks,” she said, suddenly shy again. “I really appreciate it.”
After he had gotten her the bedding she needed and laid it out on the couch for her, he looked over at her.
“I’m glad you … you felt like you could come here. If you need anything – don’t hesitate – okay? ”
“Thanks – thank you so much. I – I feel – really…safe here.”
He looked at her, struck suddenly with a realization. “You do? You feel safe? I know that… when you were here – after I lost my memory… I’ll never be able to apologize enough for that …”
“No. You don’t need to – you really don’t. And – yes, I really do feel safe here. I just… I just do. So thanks. I’ll probably get a better nights sleep than I’ve had in a long time.”
“Okay! Well… pleasant dreams, then.” He turned to go.
“Wait! Clark.” He stopped and looked at her inquiringly. She walked over, moving into his space, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. She drew back and looked at him, a self-mocking smile playing on her lips. “Uh… good night.”
He smiled back at her, but didn’t make a move to repeat the contact. “Good night, Lois. Pleasant dreams.”
[TBC]
