From Last Time:
Her hand went instinctively to the chain around her neck, where she wore her wedding rings when she was in the suit. She fingered the rings absently. “I don’t really know how to do this,” she said, her eyes toward the heavens. “I don’t know you. I’m kinda glad that I don’t. I know that I don’t have the right to hate you, even though I really want to. I mean, your only real crime was having good taste in men, but I hate comparing myself to you. I hate coming up short when I do. I know you loved him. And I’m so glad that you’re a hell of lot more noble than I am, because I would have fought for him. It wouldn’t have made a damn bit of difference that he had someone else to go home to. I would have tried. I would have begged him to stay. I would have done anything to convince him that he would have been happier with me.
“So thank you. Thank you for saving his life. Thank you for pretending you didn’t love him. Thank you for thinking about his happiness more than your own. Thank you for being the friend he needed when I couldn’t. I know it’s small and petty of me, but I can’t bring myself to like you. But you cannot imagine how much I respect you. Or how grateful I am to you. My family is together. My son will grow up knowing his father. I’m happy. Because of you.
“So I’m going to stop obsessing over you. And I’m going to stop bursting into tears every time he mentions your name. Or at least, I’m going to try. I’m going to stop turning you into the ‘other woman’ in my head, because it diminishes both of us when I do. And since I’m being honest, I’ll admit there is one good thing about knowing you fell in love with him. He respects you so much, admires the things you stood for, because he stands for them, too. So if you fell in love with him, that means that no matter what he says or thinks about what happened on New Krypton, he was still the good and decent person I married.
“Goodbye, Commander Talan. Thank you for sending my husband home to me.” She tucked the rings back under the collar of her suit and drifted back down toward the quiet little farmhouse, where a thin wisp of smoke rose from the chimney, welcoming her back to the warmth of home.
********
New Stuff:
He tried to relax on the therapist’s couch, but while this room was sometimes a sanctuary, it was also often an emotional torture chamber. They were making progress, he knew that. Before he’d started coming here, he couldn’t talk to Lois about anything on New Krypton. Before he’d started coming here, he couldn’t get around his own pain and grief to even begin to understand the things she went through while he was gone. They still had so much further to go, and the day when he could be Superman again seemed so far away—perhaps unattainably far away—but it felt good, sometimes, to say aloud the things that were bothering him.
“You’ve made a lot of great progress these last few weeks, Clark,” Dr. Friskin said as she looked up from her notes. “I know that sometimes, it doesn’t feel that way, but you and Lois are communicating with each other about the things that concern you. You’ve pinpointed some of the incidences on New Krypton that are having the most pronounced effect on your everyday life and we’ve started addressing them. Except for one.”
Clark inhaled sharply. He knew that was coming. For weeks, their sessions had been dominated first by his arguments with Lois and then by his blackout after hearing a call for help. Those problems had been breathing down his neck, screaming for their immediate attention, but they weren’t an excuse any more.
“I want us to talk about the note you gave me several weeks ago. About what happened with Nor,” Dr. Friskin said gently.
“What do you want to know?” he asked flatly, his obdurate response the last remaining defense he had.
“Why don’t we start with how it happened?” she replied, totally ignoring his stubborn tone.
With a sigh and the reflexive tensing and un-tensing of his fist, he closed his eyes and recounted the last battle for New Krypton. He told her about how Nor’s supporters had effectively shut down the main colony and had attacked in a desperate attempt to free their leader. He and Talan had been evacuating civilian shelters, he explained, when Nor had shot him in the arm. With rebels bearing down on their position, he’d taken the last ditch chance, knowing that Nor cared more about killing his rival than terrorizing the civilians. He’d drawn Nor’s fire, giving the civilians time to flee. Shot once more in the back, he’d fallen in a deserted corridor. As Nor approached, to bask in triumph over his defeated nemesis, Clark had used his last moment of consciousness to kill the other man.
“I don’t remember what was going on in my own head,” he admitted. “I’m pretty sure I thought I was going to die. I don’t know if I killed him so he wouldn’t be a threat, or if I did it out of vengeance. I don’t remember it.”
“But you think you acted out of malice?”
He closed his eyes and nodded. “When Nor was captured a year earlier, I was adamant about going to see him. I wanted him dead. I confronted him and all I felt was rage. At the things he took from me. At the weakness he found in me. I hit him and I think I would have killed him with my bare hands had Talan not stopped me.”
“She stopped you?”
“She grabbed me and held me back,” he explained.
Dr. Friskin arched a brow. “Was she physically capable of restraining you?”
He looked down. “No,” he admitted.
“So you allowed yourself to be stopped?” she prodded.
“Yes.” He continued his monosyllabic responses.
“That has to count for something, doesn’t it?”
“What if she hadn’t been there? I have no idea what I would have done. And I can’t help but think that maybe…” he trailed off, letting an awkward silence settle over the office.
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe I should have killed him then. Maybe I shouldn’t have let her stop me.” He looked up, expecting to see a look of horror on Dr. Friskin’s face, but there was nothing there but the thoughtful, empathetic expression she always wore.
“To prevent the deaths of all of the people who were killed in that last attack?” she asked, drilling right to the heart of his darkest thoughts.
He nodded silently. It took him a moment to find his voice. “Six hundred and seventy one people died because of that attack. None of them had to.”
“If only you’d been clairvoyant.”
Clark narrowed his eyes and felt his features settle into a harsh scowl. “Is that supposed to be funny?” he asked.
“No,” she replied simply. “But the obvious question here, Clark, is how could you have possibly known what was going to happen? Nor had been captured and by your own descriptions, the war had been over for a year before that last attack. You brought a violent, deranged killer to justice. You confronted him despite the costs to yourself in order to make sure he never harmed anyone again. And you did it by cleaving to a system of justice and laws that you believed were worth defending. Given what you knew, what was your alternative?”
He looked down at his hands, trying to keep his right hand from trembling. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “But those people shouldn’t have died.”
“I agree completely with that. But the fault for their deaths lies with Nor and the people who planned the attack. Not with you. As the leader of New Krypton, what would you have been doing to their civilization if you’d made yourself above the law? If you’d killed an enemy who posed no conceivable threat to anyone, out of a desire for vengeance? You weren’t just a man or even a soldier on New Krypton. You had a responsibility to uphold and defend its laws, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.” His voice was a harsh whisper. She had a point. And he had no comeback.
********
She had the confirmation she’d been waiting for. While it had been worrying at her thoughts since he’d first given her the note, she now knew for certain that there were indeed two sets of major obstacles to him regaining his sense of self. One was emotional. The other was ethical. He was still working through the trauma of New Krypton and all that entailed. And he hadn’t begun to address the fact of Nor’s death. She remembered how much Lois had been torn apart by her desire for vengeance growing out of what she’d seen in Kinwara. It was what had driven the young woman to the brink and had led her to seek help.
The circumstances of the two cases were dramatically different, and it was those differences that had probably spared Lois from having to deal with the consequences of killing. She was never without her powers and on some level, no matter how angry or shocked she was by what she saw, she was always aware of that fact. She was able to escape into the moral absolutes that Ultrawoman made possible. She had never killed because there was always another way. And because Ultrawoman meant too much to too many people to risk her destruction. Moreover, Ultrawoman was constantly measuring herself against Superman’s example and finding fault even where none existed. She had been desperate to meet the standard he set and Dr. Friskin now understood why. By keeping Superman alive in his ethics, by always acting as though she were merely a stand in, Lois had been fighting her own fear that she was replacing her husband. That his leaving was permanent.
But in the end, she had grown completely into the role of Ultrawoman. She had found her own unique way of approaching problems, and she’d succeeded admirably. Even if she’d undertaken the role assuming it was temporary, Dr. Friskin imagined the younger woman would actually find it more difficult than expected to give up the task, assuming that was what she wanted to do.
Which led her back to her patients’ most recently revealed difficulties. Prior to their last session, she had been completely unaware of the fact that Clark was physically lashing out in his sleep. She knew he was having nightmares, but he’d never talked about physically acting them out, or that he’d hit Lois. She realized what a fortunate thing indeed it was that Lois had his powers. The young woman was obviously in no danger, but she was going to call her anyway. Their session had not provided anything remotely resembling an opportune time to discuss the matter. The very next appointment she’d had with Clark alone, she’d broached the topic of him hitting his wife in his sleep. Not only was he genuinely troubled by it, she was almost stunned by the depths of his anguish. She believed that his actions had been completely unconscious. There was nothing in his character—despite all he had been through—that suggested he would be violent toward his loved ones. Even though Lois was in no physical danger, she still wanted to make sure everything was all right. And she could provide some useful advice for how to address the night terrors.
Much as it bothered her, though, she had to agree with Clark when it came to the issue of Lois retaining the powers. If his night terrors were as bad as they appeared to be, there really was no way to be sure that they wouldn’t recur. Even if he went years without such an episode, there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t return one night. And one night would be all it would take for something terrible to happen. No matter how much trouble he was having trusting his instincts these days, on this particular issue, she thought he was spot on. For them to sleep in the same space with Lois vulnerable would have been courting disaster.
********
“Son, calm down,” his father said gently.
“It hasn’t been that long since the accident, she could have been called away to another emergency,” his mother added, but it didn’t stop him from pacing.
He turned on the television in the den yet again and started flipping through the channels. But there was nothing. No earthquake, no mudslide, no oil spill that would have called her attention after she’d finished helping out at the commuter train derailment just outside of San Francisco. There was nothing. He growled in frustration before dropping the remote on the couch.
“I’m going to go look for her,” Clark said at last.
“I’m sure she’s fine,” his mother said. She stepped in between him and the door and put a reassuring hand on his arm. “Give her a little time.”
His parents had been up for hours with him in the den, silently watching the gruesome images of the accident on the news. They looked so very tired, both on their third cup of coffee. Ultrawoman had left the scene of the accident almost an hour ago. The camera crews were stationed far away from the carnage, but even at a distance, he could see her anguish. Now, they kept repeating the same image of her tearing open one of the cars in search of survivors. She seemed so powerful, but he knew what was going through her head in that moment, she was begging and praying and bargaining with deities she didn’t believe in, hoping that she wasn’t too late. That the power she had wasn’t just a colossal joke, that she could help.
He couldn’t help but rage against his own feeling of impotence. God, what was wrong with him? Why was he just sitting here, doing nothing? “What if she needs me?” he asked, hearing his own voice crack. He looked first to his mother and then his father. Neither said a word. ‘What could she possibly need you for, Kent?’ he thought to himself uncharitably.
Without another word, he spun into the suit and flew out of the farmhouse. He started westward, wondering if she was still somewhere near the accident site. If she wasn’t, well, he really had no idea where he’d look. She could literally be anywhere in the world. Within minutes, he was flying high over the accident site. The burned, shredded detritus of the train cars were a gruesome spectacle. The victims had all been evacuated, but the site was still surrounded by emergency crews and accident investigators. But no Lois. He would have been able to pick up her heartbeat if she was there.
He tried the city itself, wondering if some minor crisis in San Francisco had attracted her attention, but there wasn’t an accident or crime demanding her attention there. Oakland was quiet, too. Maybe she’d decided to do a patrol of Metropolis. Putting on a burst of speed, he headed toward the city he’d once thought of as home. He swept over Metropolis much the way he had years ago, when an evening patrol was part of his daily ritual. When Superman being in the sky was part of everything being right in the world. He wasn’t up here tonight for the benefit of the city’s residents, though. He wouldn’t be rescuing cats from trees or attending neighborhood watch meetings, or breaking up muggings. Much as it had for the last four years, Metropolis would get by tonight without him. But he had to find her. He had to know she was okay.
********
She sat at the kitchen table, her mug of tea held between both hands. Taking a long sip, she tried to close her eyes again, hoping the images wouldn’t be there this time, hoping to hear something other than the groan of weakened metal and the strangled cries for help. The hot tea soothed her raw throat, but she couldn’t help the shiver that ran through her body.
There had been so much blood.
Another cup of tea, she thought to herself as she finished the first mug and stood to walk back into the kitchen. Another cup of tea and she’d be ready to go home. She really needed to get back home. She knew that Clark didn’t sleep well when she wasn’t there. Pouring more water into her cup, she stared down at it until it came to a boil. Absently, she tugged on the string to the tea bag as it steeped. She sat back down at the table, gathering up her cape as she did. She’d taken off the mask, but remained in the costume, not having seen the point in changing. Raising the mug to her lips again, she was startled by the familiar sound of a sudden breeze coming from the bedroom. There was the thud of boots and then her husband came rushing into the living room.
“Are you okay?” she asked, leaving the mug on the table as she stood up.
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” he said as he gathered her into his arms.
Lois wrapped her arms around his waist and allowed him to enfold her in his embrace. For a long moment, neither said anything, but eventually, he pulled back slightly and tilted her chin up to look at her. A frown marred his features. “You’ve been crying,” he said softly.
She nodded and said nothing. Actually, she hadn’t cried yet, but she’d been doing a pretty miserable job of fighting tears. A ragged breath escaped her lips. His hand slipped into her hair as he held her close. She buried her face against his shoulder. “It’s all right,” he crooned, as he stroked her hair. “It’s all right.”
Tears stung at her eyes and her grip on him tightened. “It was awful,” she admitted, giving voice to the thought that had been haunting her for hours now.
He kissed the top of her head. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
Lois shook her head. “Please, just don’t let me go,” she whispered.
Her husband held her even more tightly. “Never,” he promised. In the strong circle of his embrace, she was finally overcome by her tears. Clark let her cry and true to his word, he never let her go. She let her world fall apart, knowing he would hold the pieces together. He gathered her up in his arms. Cradling her against his broad chest, he carried her to the couch. For a long while, he held her silently, her sobs the only sounds in the apartment. He’d held her on this same couch when she’d been the target of some crazed criminal or other. Even before she’d known he was the most powerful being in the world, she’d felt so safe in his arms. Now, invulnerable though she might have been, she still needed him just as much. More so, really.
Eventually, she looked up at him through teary eyes. “Why didn’t you come home?” he asked, a plaintive look on his face.
Lois didn’t know what to say. “I just needed some time to think,” she replied.
“This is supposed to be a two way street, isn’t it? You want me to open up to you, but you have to do the same.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” she said. “I just needed to figure out what was going on in my head.”
“I was worried,” he said insistently. “I used to come to you after rescues like that. I figured you’d do the same. I…” he trailed off, his voice thick with emotion.
She reached up to touch his face. “I’m sorry,” Lois repeated. “The way you feel about being Superman…I didn’t know if you’d want to talk about something like this.”
Clark turned away from her, closing his eyes. Her hand slipped from his cheek. “I’m not made of glass,” he said. “If you can’t open up to me, if you don’t trust me…”
“This isn’t about trust,” she interrupted. “You know that I trust you.”
He shifted her off his lap and stood up. She felt so very bereft, her body instantly missing his. “But you won’t let me in. You can’t protect me from this kind of stuff.”
Lois stifled a sigh of exasperation. “I’m not trying to shut you out, Clark.” ‘Liar,’ her mind countered immediately. ‘You’ve been so worried about being the strong one, about not letting him see the things that weigh you down, that scare you.’ That wasn’t fair, some other part of her brain countered. He’d been dealing with too much. And this cut too close to home. Besides, it wasn’t like she was going to keep this all bottled up permanently, she just needed time to process it first. ‘Whatever, that’s a rationalization and you know it,’ her mind retorted. She was getting nowhere with this stupid fight in her own head.
“You would have come to me,” he said, his tone carried a deep and angry accusation. “Four years ago, if something was bothering you, you would have come to me.” He dragged a hand through his hair, tousling it out of the ‘Superman’ style and making him look like Clark. He’d told her how much he hated wearing the suit now that he wasn’t Superman, but he wasn’t about to go flying around without it.
“I know,” she heard herself admit quietly as she rose from the sofa. She took both of his hands in hers. “I’m sorry,” she said again, apologizing for the third time. “This is new for me, too. Dr. Friskin is the only person I ever really talked to about stuff like this. But you’re right; this is something we should be able to talk about. Together.”
His hand slipped from hers and he touched her cheek gently before pulling her back into his arms. She tucked her head under his chin and listened to the steady thump of his heart. “You don’t know how much I need you,” he whispered, the words rumbling deep in his chest. “You’re the reason I’m alive. You’re the only reason I came home, the reason I kept fighting when I wanted to die. I know that you love me. I don’t know that you need me.”
“Clark,” his name escaped her lips in a strangled cry and she found herself putting space between them so she could look up at her husband. She expected to see that accusatory glare in his eyes but found only pain. “How can you say that?” she asked, her words devoid of any venom.
“Because you never expect me to be there for you, anymore. You learned how to get along without me. And you’re good at it.”
She backed away from him. “That’s a load of crap,” she began.
“Come on, Lois, the seven figure bank account, the Kerths, the Pulitzer, the damn Nobel Prize!”
She felt her eyes narrow as she glared at him. “Haven’t we already had this fight?” she asked acidly.
He shook his head ruefully. “I can’t just be the guy you take care of for the next fifty years. I can’t just be part of your life because you like having me around. Or because Jon ought to have a decent relationship with his father.”
“How dare you, Clark?” she demanded angrily. “Do you ever listen to me? How many times do I have to tell you how hard it was?”
“I listen,” he said quietly. “I’ve heard every word. But they’re words. I see you and I see someone who thinks she needs her husband, but who’s gotten pretty good at taking care of everything herself. Someone who certainly doesn’t act like she needs anyone.”
“I don’t know what you want me to do,” she confessed, tears stinging her eyes, her voice quivering with emotion.
“I want you to be the Lois Lane who wasn’t just head over heels in love with Clark Kent, but who needed him, too. As much as he needed her.” He folded his arms across his chest and looked down at the floor.
“I still am,” she said.
He shook his head but didn’t look up. “I don’t feel it,” he said. He looked up at last and met her gaze with wounded eyes. “I don’t feel it,” he repeated.
The tears turned to anger, stiffening her resolve and pushing the hesitation out of her voice. “Did you come here to compare scars? To figure out who needs whom more? To figure out which one of us is more screwed up after four years of pain? You want bragging rights, Clark, they’re yours. But I can’t do this.” She shook her head and started for the window, to the freedom that flight would provide. She needed air. Their fight had long ago burned up all the oxygen in his apartment.
********
He was an idiot. A completely incorrigible fool. Clark stared miserably out the window of his old apartment. Across the street, the neon light of the diner buzzed and flickered, just like it had all those years ago when he’d lived here. The city sounded just like it had then, too. Another couple in a nearby apartment building was arguing. Two more were making love. A few televisions blared infomercials as they kept the insomniacs company.
He hadn’t come here to start a fight. For the love of god, he hadn’t come here spoiling for an argument. But that didn’t change two very basic facts. He desperately wanted Lois to depend on him again. And he was in no condition to be dependable. For a few moments, while he held her, it almost seemed like he could be that solid and reassuring figure in her life again. She’d cried in his arms. And for the first time in a long time, those tears had been for her, not for him. For the first time in a long time, he wasn’t to blame for the hurt she felt. But then he’d gone and made it about himself.
Dear god, what was wrong with him? Why did all the misery in the world have to be about him? What sort of deranged narcissist was he? And he’d picked one of her rare moments of vulnerability to initiate this particular butting of heads. Because while he could count on her to pull her punches, he’d resorted to taking cheap shots.
Sighing morosely, he turned away from the window. There’d been a time when things were reversed. When he’d fought fair and she hadn’t. That wasn’t entirely accurate, and he knew it. Sure, Lois Lane had a no holds barred, take no prisoners approach to the world, but once you earned her friendship and her respect, she’d be the first person to jump in the way and take one on the chin for you. And when she loved you? Hell, he would have given her hundred to one odds in her favor over anyone on the planet, with or without superpowers, if she was fighting for someone she loved. So how had he repaid her? By waiting until she was up against the ropes to throw a couple of sucker punches.
She was hurting. She’d needed him. And he’d thrown it in her face. How could he expect her to turn to him, to lean on him, when he turned everything into some incoherent rant about what he wanted and what he needed and why he felt so damned threatened?
Now, she was god knew where, not just dealing with the horrors of the night’s accident, but his asinine behavior, too. She’d had enough to deal with and he’d just gone and made it worse. No wonder she’d come here instead of going home. No wonder she’d sought space. With another despondent sigh, he turned off the lights and left for home.
As he descended toward the farmhouse, he was surprised to hear four heartbeats. His parents were soundly sleeping, as was his son, their hearts beating slowly and steadily in the deep and peaceful slumber that was the unique haven of good and innocent people. But Lois was awake. Scanning the house, he found her in the doorway of Jon’s room, watching their son sleep. This was where she found her peace these days. This was the refuge she sought from a world that sought to line up all its malice and hatred and viciousness against her. One petite little superhero versus all the evil and pain that humanity and nature and dumb luck combined could muster.
She’d learned to stand up to all of it on her own because he’d given her no choice. As much as he claimed to need her, as much as he’d always claimed that she came first in his life, he’d abandoned her here to save some distant planet he hadn’t even known existed. He’d fought and nearly died for perfect strangers, but he’d left her to fend for their family alone. And he was mad at her for it. Changing back into his own clothes, thankful to be rid of the mockery that was the suit, he walked silently down the hallway toward her. She turned around at the sound of his footsteps, pulling the door to Jon’s room closed behind her.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as their eyes met. “I’m an idiot.” As though that explained everything.
She nodded in agreement. “I’m not going to argue with that.” Ouch. The fact that he deserved it didn’t take the sting out of the comment. “I’m not a liar, Clark Kent.” He tried not to wince. When she used his full name like that, grinding out each name separately, he knew, clear as day, that she was pissed at him. “When I tell you that I need you, it’s not because I’m trying to make you feel good. It’s because it’s the god’s honest truth.”
“I know,” he said. “And I’m sorry.”
He watched her sigh. “But you’re right,” she said. “I told you about everything that happened while you were gone, but now, I feel like I can’t burden you with Ultrawoman, it isn’t fair to you.”
He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have made you take over my job.”
“I was the one who decided to do this,” she said mulishly. “It was my choice. And it was the right one. I’m glad I became Ultrawoman. Even when it hurt like hell. Even when I was sure I couldn’t handle it.”
Clark put a hand on his wife’s shoulder. “I couldn’t be more proud of what you’ve done. Everything you’ve done. And I was a total jackass tonight. I didn’t mean what I said.”
“You were hurt. And you had a right to be. I spent four years constantly asking myself ‘what would Clark do?’ ‘How would Clark handle this?’ It’s time I started asking you those questions. This has always been a partnership, regardless of which one of us was wearing the tights. I will do better,” she promised. “But you have to tell me if it’s too much, if I’m putting too much pressure on you.”
“I will,” he said, not sure if he meant it, but now that it was out in the open, there wasn’t much he could do about it. For her, he would try. “Can you forgive me?”
“You’re forgiven. Lunkhead.”
He merely shook his head. He deserved a hell of a lot worse. “Come on, let’s go to bed,” she said, offering him her hand.
He took her hand and pulled her close, kissing her temple. “I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you, too,” she replied simply.
********
“I’ll see you in a little while,” he said with a gentle squeeze of her hand. She stood on her toes to kiss him goodbye. Her husband touched her cheek before slowly withdrawing. With one last backward glance, he floated out through the bedroom window. A sharp, cold breeze swirled in his wake. Out of habit, she closed the window, though the chill had no effect on her. Staring out the closed window at the darkened sky, she bit back a sigh. She knew how hard these sessions could be on him. Just a few days before, she’d spoken to the therapist over the phone. It had been an uncomfortable conversation to say the least, and while Dr. Friskin had more tact than any one person should be possessed of, there was no easy way to ask someone if they felt physically endangered by their husband.
Lois had felt herself bristle on Clark’s behalf, but she knew that Dr. Friskin was acting on less than perfect information. All she’d heard of the story was that one night, during a nightmare, Clark had struck her and now was afraid of doing it again. Trying to calm herself down, Lois explained that while Clark was far bigger than she was, she gave up nothing to him in terms of strength or invulnerability. With their powers, neither one of them would have been physically capable of hurting the other. She told her therapist about that night. About how much Clark’s actions had shocked and shamed him. About how, since his invulnerability had been returning slowly, he was the one who’d been injured, not her. And she assured her shrink that Clark had been in the deepest of sleeps when it happened. He hadn’t meant to hit her. He certainly hadn’t thought she was the one he was hitting.
But while her end of the conversation had been an impassioned defense of her husband, Lois knew that both he and Dr. Friskin were right. If they were to share a bed, she had to keep the powers. It was as simple as that. Clark was not in control over his nightmares and there was no way to guarantee he ever would be.
Her arguments with Clark had had one beneficial side effect – she’d finally gotten clarity on whether she wanted to continue being Ultrawoman. She may have undertaken the role assuming it was only temporary, but it was now part of who she was. Despite all the pain and the misery, the countless times she’d gotten there too late, she didn’t regret any of it. She didn’t want to give it up.
Even if the issue of Clark’s nightmares hadn’t arisen, she was now sure that she would have wanted to continue as Ultrawoman. There was yet another reason why she couldn’t relinquish the powers, too. Assuming she and Clark wanted more children, she would probably have to keep the powers. Bernie hadn’t believed that she would have been able to carry Clark’s child otherwise.
They hadn’t discussed the possibility of another child. Of course, she and Clark had never really talked about having kids at all. Before their wedding, she’d always assumed it was something they would talk about when the time came. Of course, life had had different plans for them. She didn’t regret the way things turned out, how could she? They had a wonderful, beautiful, perfect son. And yeah, she was wistful for the things they’d missed. They’d never had a honeymoon. Or weekends when you barely left the bed. They’d missed out on being newlyweds and Clark had missed out on so much of the joy of being a new parent.
Even though she’d never given much thought to motherhood before her pregnancy, being a parent was the most important thing she’d ever done. And for her part, she didn’t want Jon to be an only child. She wanted him to have a little brother or sister. It was something she hadn’t talked about with Clark; it was still too soon. They needed more time just to get used to being a family. And Clark needed to settle some of the questions in his own life first – where they would live, what he wanted to do, whether to bring back Superman. They had enough on their minds without thinking about having another baby.
