TOC AKA Clark Kent (4/?)
Where could she be? He desperately needed to talk to her, to apologize profusely for everything that had happened.
He quickly exited the room, and as soon as he got into the hallway, he was greeted with the strong scent of freshly brewing coffee drifting up the stairs.
Lois. She was awake and downstairs making coffee. That meant at least she hadn't left him.
But how would she react when she saw him? Last night she had been asleep and probably hadn't been consciously aware of what she had said. She couldn't have let him off so easily. He had hurt her so badly; he deserved anything she could do to him.
Even though he wasn't sure how she would react, he was desperate to see her, to apologize for his insanely horrible behavior.
She was still so close he could almost feel her, but she was so far away emotionally. After what he had done to her, how could he face her? But he desperately needed to see her.
Finally, his desperation outweighed his fear, so he made his way down the stairs. With each step, his anticipation grew. When he saw Lois, any rehearsed script or plan would escape him anyway.
He needed to show her just how sorry he was; though he knew it would be insufficient. There was no way he could express his intense emotions to make Lois understand how bad he felt.
Clark paused at the kitchen door when he saw Lois. She was talking to herself and angrily strumming her fingers on the counter. She was mumbling seemingly random words at a pace even Superman couldn't follow.
Lois hated Superman. He had hurt her so deeply, so profoundly, he didn't blame her. Stupid Superman!
Why was he cursed with so many superhuman powers? Why did he want to help everyone in the world? It was a double edged sword. He could help everyone in the world, but he couldn't help himself.
Clark had always known he had the power to inflict horrible emotional pain on the woman he loved. When he had realized what a drain Superman was on his life, he had promised himself to protect Lois from all of the bad things that he experienced as the Man of Steel. He hadn't realized that *he* would become enemy he had always feared.
He had hurt Lois in ways he never could have predicted. This wasn't an isolated incidence. Lately, he had been neglecting her, giving preference everything Superman.
It had been okay before they were married for him to take on too many Superman responsibilities. He needed to realize that his life was different now and that recreational Superman activities were no longer necessary. He wasn't doing anything right. Maybe he was doing *some* things right . . . but he hadn't done any of *those* things in over a week!
Clark leaned against the doorway leading into the kitchen and sighed unconsciously. Lois immediately sensed his presence and slowly turned around to face him.
When she looked into his pleading eyes, she felt sorry for everything that had happened. Last night, she had been so hurt when he had left her. But she had come to terms with everything and had decided that she wasn't mad at Clark. She was mad at Superman. It was just too bad that Clark and Superman were the same person.
She also knew that she still loved him, more than anything else in the world. There was nothing he could do as Superman that could make her stop loving him. But that didn't mean she couldn't be a little angry with him. She loved him and would never leave him, and almost felt bad for him, but she had the right to be livid at Superman. Her husband's second personality was interfering with her marriage.
Last night, she had decided that she wasn't angry. However, when she had awakened this morning, she had realized just how upset she was. It was developing into a pattern. Clark abandoned her for some Superman engagement several times a week. Their relationship was suffering. She had every right to be angry! The rest of the world seemed to be replacing her in his affections.
No, she wasn't exactly angry. She was hurt, profoundly hurt -- he was treating her like she was second best.
Anger was a powerful tool when wielded correctly. Hurt had no external power -- it was a completely internal emotion. It had the ability to well up inside like a time bomb waiting to explode.
She had known that marrying Superman would be difficult. Emergencies and international peace talks, she could understand, but celebrity softball games . . . He couldn't expect her to accept his jetting off to celebrity events at every opportunity. It made her feel like she wasn't important to him.
Intellectually, she knew that he was as in love with her as he had always been. Whenever he looked at her, she could see the same passion and admiration that had always been there. His view of her hadn't changed -- he still loved her and found her desirable. Yet the newlywed feeling had worn off. He was falling back into his old Superman habits, not making time for them to be a couple. Maybe the end of February was his busy charity season or something. For some reason, Lois was a bit skeptical.
He just needed to learn to prioritize. With the regular Superman emergencies alone, they didn't get enough time together. With the other events added in, they rarely saw each other.
And Lois missed him desperately.
Lois forced herself to smile, however weakly, at Clark in greeting as she averted her eyes. To initiate any conversation and to break the silence between them Lois said, in what she hoped was a calm voice, "Coffee's ready."
Clark smiled slightly, noticing that Lois's eyes never met his. She was mad -- and had every right to want to kill him after what he had done, how he had treated her. He softly responded, "Thanks," as he poured himself a cup.
He didn't really want coffee, but he wasn't sure what to say to her. Coffee was a good distraction. She was bound to find any apology he could offer trite and insufficient.
With his coffee in hand, Clark eased himself into a chair. "Lois," he said softly, "I know you're . . ."
Immediately, almost in a rehearsed voice, she interrupted, "I'm not mad, Clark." She didn't raise her eyes from her cup.
Clark stopped before he was all the way down into his chair, startled, and said incredulously, "You're *not*? Lois, honey, I am so sorry. I know . . ."
Again, Lois stopped him mid-sentence. She didn't want to hear the long, drawn out apology she'd heard hundreds of times before. "I'm really not mad. I'm hurt, and frustrated, and not even sure who I should be mad at any more." She shook her head.
He walked towards her. "Honey . . ."
She felt his hand on her shoulder and that was her breaking point. How could he be so close to her? How did he have the right to pretend like nothing had happened? "Yes I am mad! I am so mad." She shrugged away from his tentative embrace and turned around to face him.
Clark pulled his hand away like he had just touched a hot oven. As much as he'd hoped Lois hadn't been mad, he knew that he had been just fooling himself. Of course she was mad. He had acted like an idiot by putting the rest of the world before the one person that mattered most in his life. "Oh, god, Lois, I am so sorry."
Lois shook her head again. She didn't really want to hear whatever apology he was going to offer. "I am mad, Clark. Just not in the way you think. God, I'm not even sure who I'm mad at, of even if I should be mad. I'm not really mad at you; I'm mad at Superman. But I know you are Superman, so I should be mad at you. But I'm really not, and I know I shouldn't be so angry, so I am even madder at myself. Whichever way I look at this, it seems like it's my fault in some convoluted way."
"Your fault?" Clark tried to reach out and touch her again, but she stood up and walked the other way. "Lois, honey, this isn't your fault at all. It's my fault. Everything is my fault."
"I'm really not sure if it is really your fault at all." She sighed loudly. "I'm feeling guilty again."
"Guilty for what? None of this is your fault!" Clark ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. He hadn't expected Lois to react this way. After playing countless scenarios over in his head, he'd thought he had covered every possible reaction. However, he had never dreamed that *she* would be the one feeling guilty. He had expected she would be mad at him, although he wasn't sure of the level of anger. The last thing he had expected was for her to be mad at herself.
"Guilty for being so mad, Clark." Lois shook her head quickly. She knew that everything that was going on was absolutely absurd. Having a husband that was two people was really a drain on her common sense. How could she love one part of him so much, but hate the other part? It wasn't right! "I hate everything that happened yesterday, Clark. And I hate myself for hating it! Is there something wrong with me?"
She looked at him quickly. The pain evident in his eyes tore at her heart. Nothing good was going to come of this, she was sure. It was the main reason she hated herself so much. Clark really hadn't done anything to make her so mad. She hadn't been this mad last night. But after thinking about nothing else all morning, she'd realized that she was really upset about what had happened. And even more upset that it seemed to be happening more and more often.
And she hated herself for wanting to claim Clark. She was being selfish. The last thing she wanted to do was control her husband, but she didn't want to lose him either. It seemed like he was making everything else take priority -- everything but his wife. And she hated herself for feeling that way.
Yesterday had been the icing on the cake. It was his birthday, his first as a married man. It should have been a wonderful, unforgettable day for both of them. It wasn’t just that they hadn't been intimate in over a week. She'd wanted to make him a birthday surprise he would never forget. Yes, she had plans for that icing from the cake.
She'd gone through so much trouble to make everything absolutely perfect. It had taken her weeks to plan, but it had been worth the effort. The thought of how happy Clark would be when she walked to the bedroom dressed in his first birthday present made everything worthwhile.
It was going to be incredible. A romantic dinner followed by an incredible dessert . . .
But it hadn't happened the way she had planned. Instead, they had spent yet another night apart, which seemed like the growing trend.
"I hate myself for being so mad. I know it's wrong, but I can't change the way I feel. I don't even know if I am really mad or not. Maybe I am just frustrated, so frustrated! I don't think we've spend more than 2 hours together all week -- and that was just sleeping or at work. I miss you."
Clark weakly smiled at her. "I miss you, too, Lois. You have every right to be mad at me, honey. *I* am the one who's been wrong."
"See, I'm not exactly sure if you *have* been wrong."
"Trust me, Lois, I know I have. Last night, I spent three hours with a bunch of stupid, egoistical, boring celebrities when I could have had a quiet evening alone with the one person in the world I actually wanted to be with. Tell me that's not stupid, honey."
"It is stupid," she said softly.
Clark winced, but didn't respond.
Lois sighed loudly and continued, "Clark, I can't believe you left like that. And you didn't even have a good time. I'm not sure if I really wanted you to have a good time or not. I'm just so confused about everything."
"Honey, I am so sorry. I know I was wrong for leaving. God, I've been replaying last night over and over in my mind, but I have no idea what I could have done differently."
"Did you see your present?" Lois smiled slightly as she tried to change the subject.
"Oh god. Just picturing you wearing it makes me so . . . wow. It takes my breath away."
"I was going to wear it last night for you." There she was, bringing up last night again when she had wanted to change the subject.
Clark smiled woefully. "God, I can't believe I missed it." She was so amazing. But right now, even though the thought of physical intimacy was so paramount in his mind, he wasn't sure when he would get to experience it again.
"I can't believe you missed it either," Lois answered simply.
Clark turned around and began to pace anxiously around the kitchen. The thought of what he had missed last night was really unsettling. "I don't even like celebrities."
Instead of wondering why Clark had chosen to change the subject to celebrities, Lois chose to go with the flow. "Aren't you a celebrity? Superman is probably the most recognizable person in the world."
Clark stopped mid-stride and turned to face Lois. Even though she was technically right, he'd never thought of himself that way. To him, celebrities were actors, athletes, and politicians, people who loved being in the spotlight and took advantage of every opportunity to assure that their faces were on television -- not unassuming Superheroes! "Well, yeah . . . I mean, I guess so. I just can't think of myself as a celebrity, though."
"If you *don't* think you're a celebrity, then why do all those celebrity events?"
"I'm not really sure." Clark shrugged slightly before he continued, "The charities ask?"
"You just can't say 'no', can you?" Lois retorted. She knew it was unfair, but the words flowed from her mouth before she could stop them.
She was right; he did have a problem saying 'no'. "I guess," he said noncommittally, "they ask for my help, and they're all worthy charities. How can I judge which charities are the worthiest? I've always felt like Superman owes it to the world to do as much as he can to help."
Lois took a deep breath, knowing she wanted to tell him that she was worthier than any charity, but that wouldn't have any positive consequence. Plus, she wasn't sure if she *was* more important than a charity. Instead, she tried to stay calm when she said, "How much are you really helping them, though? What about a monetary donation? Wouldn't that do more to help them?"
Clark shrugged again. He'd really never considered a monetary donation before. "But we don't have that much money to donate to every charity I help."
"The Superman Foundation does," Lois answered quickly. "Can't the Superman Foundation donate at least some money to every charity you deem worthy?"
"Yes, the Superman Foundation does, but we are already giving to so many charities. I don't know, I guess I see the amount of joy so many faces. It has always sort of renewed my faith in the world, seeing the good people. It sort of reenergizes me and helps ground me in the knowledge that what I do is really worthwhile. "
"I thought I did that." She could no longer keep up the pretense of trying to rationally solve their problems. Her emotions were beginning to overtake her. She knew she was being selfish and that he did have a good, valid point, but right now that didn't matter.
"Oh, honey, you do. Believe me, you do. You *sustain* me. You give me the strength to *live*."
Lois smiled at him slightly. She loved to hear him say things like that, but today everything he said seemed sort of empty. "Then why do you need the rest of the world? I mean, I can understand your having to leave me for an emergency, but I really don't understand how you can choose charities over me -- especially when the Superman Foundation supports every one of them. I think I just realized that I must be like a chore for you. I cut into your special time for the world."
"Lois, I never meant . . ."
"I understand. Superman needs to see the good in people."
"Lois . . ."
"I just can't help it if I'm having trouble seeing the good in Superman right now."
"Lois, honey . . ."
"No, I know it now. I can't cut into Superman's time." Tears began to stream down Lois's cheeks and her heart broke as she saw the look on Clark's face. She hadn't really meant to hurt him, but sometimes she spoke without thinking.
"Oh, Lois, honey, no! I can't believe I ever made you think that!"
Lois shrugged, unsure of how to respond. Sure, there were tons of things that she could have said, but they would have made Clark feel even worse. That wasn't what she had intended. She had wanted to tell Clark how she felt, but she'd never meant for him to feel as horrible as he obviously did.
Clark bit his lip and slowly continued, "I'm a horrible person. I hadn't realized how much I've been hurting you. I love you so much; you're the only thing in my life that really matters. And I've been abandoning you. I completely understand if you want to leave me."
"Clark, don't think like that, ever! I love you," Lois answered automatically. God, how could he think she would ever consider leaving him? "You know I would *never* leave you. I can never stop loving you." After looking at him again, though, she realized she was still mad at him. "But that doesn't mean I have to like you right now." She looked up at the clock, hoping to have an out. "Come on, it's almost time to leave for work. You still have to get ready."
Clark stared at Lois slack-jawed. Even though he had expected her to be mad, he hadn't expected their conversation to end so quickly. He wanted to hash everything out, to apologize for everything he had done. Lois, on the other hand, didn't want to talk because she couldn't even look at him right now!
"Come on, let's go, Clark. We can't be late again today."
Obeying Lois blindly, he took off up the steps at Superspeed and hopped into the shower. In under a minute, he was showered, dressed and ready for work. Lois was waiting in the Jeep by the time he had made it downstairs.
Before he walked out the door to join her, he looked at his abandoned coffee cup on the table, and up through the ceiling at the box on their bed and said, "Happy birthday to me."
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To Be Continued
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