PREVIOUSLY...
Still, he’d continued to hold out hope that maybe Star’s sessions with Lois would bring back Lois’ memory. The final blow had come when he’d flown Star home without Lois having regained her memory.
And now, knowing that there was no reason to keep Lois on the island...
What would happen when they returned to Metropolis? Right now, at least he could see her whenever he wanted. Yet with her not even remembering their friendship, would she want to spend time with him outside of work? And how could he go back to being simply her partner when he’d known the ecstasy of being closer to her than he’d ever been to anyone in his life?
He looked down, realizing suddenly that he was flying north, towards Canada. Forcing himself to concentrate, he adjusted course and sped towards Metropolis.
AND NOW - PART 10
Lois pulled the blankets up around her and fluffed the pillow before settling against the headboard of the bed. Then, her heart pounding wildly, she picked up the first of the two leather bound books she’d discovered. A brief glance through the first book told her that, just like the diaries she’d read from her formative years, she didn’t write every day - but only when the spirit seemed to move her. Sometimes weeks, or months would go by without an entry. Still... she flipped to the front page and began to read.
September 1, 1993
Dear Diary,
Today I learned an interesting lesson, namely that people see what they expect to see. Cover the hair, put on a fake moustache, hide the body under baggy clothes, use a cloth to bind the chest, then walk and talk a little differently and act stupid and everyone you meet will mistake you for a man. It’s taught me to always look beyond the external to discover the person hidden beneath. As you may have guessed from my intro, I finally got the okay from Perry to go undercover for my investigation into the sudden rise in car thefts in the city. I had Jimmy teach me how to boost a car and...Something about that struck a cord with Lois, as if there was something almost ironic about it. But when, try as she might, she couldn’t think what that might be, she flipped over to the next page.
September 12, 1993
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe how absolutely furious I am with Perry. Of all the stupid, crazy, idiotic, absurd things he’s ever done, this one takes the cake! So what did our fearless leader do, you ask? Well, he partnered me, his best reporter, with this rookie, hack from Nowheresville named Clark Kent!Lois felt a snort of amusement slip past her lips. It was hard to believe, given such an auspicious beginning, that they had apparently been partnered together now for the better part of three years.
Even more baffling was how they had gone from there to engaged to be married. So what had happened during that time to change things?
With renewed curiosity, she continued reading.
October 5, 1993
Dear Diary,
I was going to write you yesterday, tell you what I’d done, but I was just too ashamed. But then something happened today that... Maybe I should just start at the beginning. First, the confession. I stole a story the other day - from Clark Kent of all people. I can hardly believe I did that. As someone who has had stories stolen from me, I know how it feels. But that isn’t the end of the story. The end of the story is that I learned that Clark Kent is not a man to be messed with because he got his revenge: he got the first one-on-one Superman interview and he took me down a peg or two in the process. Don’t tell him I said this, but I think I could actually come to xxxx tolerate Clark Kent.Lois actually smiled when she made out the word covered by ‘x’s. It seemed she’d originally written that she could come to like Clark and then chosen to cross out the word ‘like’ and substitute ‘tolerate’ in its place.
‘You’ve got a crush on your partner, Lois Lane,’ Lois thought in amusement. No, that wasn’t possible. She loved only... She closed her eyes for a moment and silently screamed in frustration. When she opened them again, she was even more determined to follow her previous train of thought.
Had she had a crush on Clark? Was she, even that early, developing feelings for Clark Kent? What was it about that entry that screamed at Lois the belief that there had been something more than simple tolerance going on inside her when she’d written it.
After a moment, when nothing came to her, she returned to her reading. The next entry few entries actually made her uncomfortable. It seemed she’d begun to have something of a celebrity crush on Superman. Lois actually found herself blushing as she read the what could only be called purple prose as she’d described Superman’s attributes in glowing detail, actually referring to him as some sort of Greek god.
Funny. Although she still found that she got tongue tied around the hero, something had changed. Maybe it was just that while her respect for him seemed to have increased, her belief that he was some kind of demigod had abated.
November 22, 1993
Clark resigned.Lois didn’t read any further because she was suddenly submerged in memories. She’d been asleep at her desk when a gentle voice in her ear woke her up. She was hot and sticky as she looked around to see Clark standing there.
‘It’s late, Lois. You should go home.’
But there was no time. Superman was in trouble. And she had much work to do if she was going to save him. She told Clark that, only then noticing that his desk was devoid of personal items and a cardboard box was sitting on top. When she questioned him about it, she was stunned by his claim that he was leaving Metropolis to work for the Smallville Post.
‘I just wanted to say goodbye,’ he said.
‘Goodbye! We’re partners.’
‘You don’t need a partner, Lois. You never did.’
‘Well maybe not. But I was starting to like having one.’
Her heart was breaking. How could he be leaving? She’d finally learned to trust someone, to rely on someone and he was walking out on her? She argued with him and yet, big, stubborn ox that he was, she was unable to stop him from picking up his box of things and walking back to her desk. Holding his box with one hand, he reached for her face, cupping her cheek with exquisite tenderness even as she fought back tears.
Then he was leaning down, his lips lightly brushing over hers. ‘Goodbye, Lois,’ he said softly before straightening up again and walking away as tears began to pool in her eyes. She watched him all the way to the elevators but he never once looked back. He was gone. And she instantly felt the loss of her best friend.
Lois yanked herself out of the depressing memory. Well, obviously he’d returned. So it wasn’t as if there was anything to feel depressed about now. Still, the memory had revealed much about her relationship with Clark. He’d been telling the truth. She had no doubt about it now. It was not just a figure of speech. They really had been best friends. Hastily wiping away the tear that had leaked from her eye, she returned to her reading.
A couple of entries down, she found herself reading about time spent in the honeymoon suite with Clark while they’d investigated a story. In the middle of reading the entry she found herself flashing back to them lying on the bed, Clark on top of her as she kissed him with a passion that was almost frightening.
‘More towels, yeah. Oops. Sorry.’
Clark had slowly backed off when the maid had left the room. It had been a cover. She could still remember the frustration she’d felt with herself for ever believing it had been real, and more so for responding to him as she had. She’d covered it up by some nonsensical comment, hoping he hadn’t noticed how much that kiss had affected her.
Still, for a moment there, she’d actually found herself, even in her memory, believing it had been real. That thought stopped her cold. If she’d misunderstood that memory, what about the one of them tumbling together onto her bed, struggling to shuck their clothing? But surely they wouldn’t have been undressing each other as some sort of cover.
She closed her eyes, fighting to remember. She growled in frustration when her mind insisted on taking her in a completely different direction. In this memory, she and Clark were at the Daily Planet, Clark standing next to her desk while she rambled on about buying a bed.
‘How come I get the feeling that this is not all about beds?’ Clark asked.
‘Well, it did occurred to me that there’s one or two things that we’ve never talked about.’
‘One or two things?’
‘One thing.’
‘One thing?’
‘The thing,’ she said intently.
It seemed to take him a moment to clue into what she was talking about. ‘Oh. That thing,’ he finally said with understanding.
‘We haven’t had any experience together... or much... well, with each other.’ She stopped for a moment. ‘Oh, god, what am I doing?’
He moved closer. ‘Lois, it’s okay.’
‘I’m sucking the romance out of this like a vacuum. It’s just... we’ve waited and I’m glad and...’
Lois was abruptly pulled from the memory. She knew what they had been talking about. And for some reason, she knew they had been engaged at the time. In fact, it almost felt to her as if this conversation was connected to the one where he’d given her flowers just because he was in love and getting married. So... they’d waited. It had been a conscious decision. So what had they been waiting for? Their wedding night, no doubt.
But then...
The thought trailed off as she was suddenly lost in another memory. It felt as if it had taken place later that same day. They were sitting at an outdoor café.
‘Actually, you bring up a good point,’ Clark was saying, ‘because we’ve never really talked about... our pasts.’
‘Right. Exactly. And I just wanted you to know why I’ve always been a little skittish about crossing the intimacy threshold and you’ve been so understanding that I thought maybe you were a little skittish, too.’
Clark looked uncomfortable. ‘Well, my experience is a little different.’
‘Mmm hmm.’
‘I’m a little different.’
‘Sure.’
‘I mean, I’ve had girlfriends. I’ve dated. But... that thing? The intimacy threshold? The big threshold? I’ve never really... crossed it. I’ve stepped up, taken a good look but...’
“Oh my god,” Lois gasped, coming suddenly out of her memory. Clark was... had been a virgin. And she’d taken that from him. No wonder he’d been moping around here for the past two days. He’d finally taken that step into intimacy, thinking that she was right there with him, only to have the entire thing thrown back in his face the next morning. “What have I done?” she groaned even as tears again clouded her vision.
But wait. Maybe she was wrong - please let her be wrong. Maybe, even though they had been waiting for marriage, they hadn’t actually made it. After all, that memory she’d had of them in her room had been pretty explicit. Maybe they’d already taken that step. They wouldn’t be the first couple in the world who’d slipped up in the months before their wedding.
She tossed the diary she was reading on the bed and picked up the other one. If they had crossed that threshold, it would surely be in here. After all, it was big step and she couldn’t imagine that she would have taken it without writing something down.
As she began flipping through the beginning of the second book, she took quick glances at various entries. It would have been sometime after they were engaged. So that was what she needed to find first.
She suddenly came to the end of the book and her eyebrows knit together in confusion. That was it? She glanced forward in the book, but it was nothing but empty pages.
Finally, she returned to the last entry.
September 17, 1995 That was over six months ago! How was it that she had written nothing over the past six months? Confused, she directed her attention to the contents of her last entry, hoping it would provide her with some insight.
Dear Diary.
Something happened today that I can’t tell even you about. So, after years of asking you to act as my confident and friend, I’m going to have to say goodbye for it would be far too dangerous to continue writing considering what I now know. Besides, I’ve found another friend, one who has already replaced you in many ways - if only he will quit acting like an idiot and acknowledge that I need time to process everything. So, goodbye, dear friend. Maybe someday I’ll be able to tell you all about my reasons for discontinuing our regular gossip sessions. However, I trust you’ll understand if I say that I hope that day will only come at some point in the distant, distant future.What the heck did that mean? Well, that was completely useless. She tossed the diary away. It landed on the foot of the bed. From what she’d seen while skimming the diary, they had still not been engaged when the final entry was made. That meant there would be nothing in there that would tell her if they had become lovers at some point before she’d lost her memory.
So how was she supposed to know the truth?
She flinched. She did know the truth. She wasn’t entirely sure what the memory of them on the bed in her room was about, but she was almost certain it hadn’t ended the way she had assumed. And that meant, Clark had been a virgin until two days ago - when she’d stolen that from him.
She felt a dull ache in her heart at the knowledge of how she must have hurt him. She’d figured that sleeping with him would be no big deal for him because they were engaged, and undoubtedly had been making love on a regular basis for months, if not longer. What was one more time? But that wasn’t the case. How could she have been so wrong?
She suddenly heard the cabin door open and, a moment later, close again. Silently, she slid out of bed and slipped across the floor to the bedroom door before stopping. She pressed her ear against the door, listening to his heavy steps across the wooden floor. Her heart rate sped up and she found herself taking a step back when she heard his footfall stop right outside her door. She held her breath, waiting. Inside, she could feel instinct driving her to open the door, but she held back.
She wasn’t ready to face him. Not yet. Not until she’d sorted through some of tonight’s revelations. She felt... something for him. She could no longer deny that. But there was another part of her that wasn’t entirely sure what she felt. Okay, so she must have loved him at some point if they were engaged. But she couldn’t remember that. Might never remember. And she wasn’t about to fake her feelings. That wouldn’t be fair to her and, even more importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to him. Could at least part of what she now felt be due to gratitude to him for getting her away from Max? And given how she’d misinterpreted memories in the past, how much could she trust these new ones?
Would he knock? What would she do if he did?
She held her breath and waited.
A moment later, and to her relief... and disappointment, she heard him walking away. Taking a deep breath, she walked slowly towards the bed. Gathering up the diaries, she slipped them between the mattress and the box spring.
Then she straightened her bed before picking up the small pouch containing the crystals Star had told her to put under her pillow. Once it was safely tucked away, she went to climb into bed before hesitating.
Was she supposed to take off the crystals she was currently wearing before going to bed or leave them on?
“Oh, for crying out loud,” Lois said before slipping the pouch from around her neck and placing it on the night stand. She didn’t believe in any of this stuff anyway, so what did it matter?
Climbing into bed, she turned the knob on her lantern until the fire went out. She refused to let her mind dwell on Clark. There would be plenty of time tomorrow to sort out everything she’d learned tonight. Right now what she needed most was sleep. Still, it was more than an hour later before her mind would stop long enough for her to fall asleep.
* * * * * * * * *
The fire was almost hypnotizing as she stared into it, her head on Clark’s chest, his arms around her.
“You know, I dreamed of this,” she said softly while tracing patterns on the hand he had lying across her stomach. “Spending the night in your arms. First it was Superman I dreamed of. Then it was Clark.” She turned her head slightly to see his soft smile and warm eyes.
“And what happened?” he asked softly.
She could feel a blush in her cheeks and kept her eyes focused on their hands as she answered his question. “First, you held me in your arms.” She pulled his arms tighter around her. “And then, we kissed.” She turned against him so that they could do just that. “And then...” Her voice had gone slightly sultry.
“And then...?” he asked in response.
For just a moment she flirted with telling him what really had come next, but she backed off, still feeling slightly skittish. “And then I asked you how you felt about me.” She was just a touch embarrassed by the question. After all, she knew how he felt about her. So she wasn’t prepared for his answer.
“I don’t know how I feel about you,” he responded. Before she could feel hurt, he continued, demanding her full attention by the depth of emotion she could hear in his words. “There is no one way. I feel... so many things, and all at once. Happy. Kinda scared, too. Excited. Calm. Lost. Found. I feel safe in a way I’ve never known, but in danger, too. This thing between us - whatever it is. It’s stronger than me. Being with you is stronger than me alone. That’s new to me.”
Her heart had never felt more full. There was only one way to respond and she leaned in to kiss him.
She pulled back eventually, but didn’t remove her arms for where they were wrapped around Superman’s neck
“It’s not the ‘m’ word that makes if forever for me, Lois,” Superman said. “My love is forever because it just... is.”
With that, he moved in again, kissing her sweetly. When the kiss ended, she allowed her hands to slide down his spandex covered chest until he was finally free. He stepped up onto the windowsill and a moment later she heard a whoosh as he finally left.
“Wow,” she said softly, staring out into the night sky after him.
Lois blinked awake to the warmth generated by the rays of sunlight coming in between the curtains to pour across the bed. That had to be the most vivid dream she’d ever had.
She stretched. In the process, her hand came to rest between the pillow and the bed. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a moment as she discovered something there. Pulling it out, she stared in disbelief at the small cloth bag that Star had told her to put under her pillow to focus her dreams. Could it be...
“Nah,” she said aloud, placing the bag on the night stand. Besides, that had been one strange dream. Not much of a memory at all. Unless... maybe it had been a mixture of two memories. But... it wasn’t as if the dream had focused her thoughts. It had fractured them even further. After all, in her dream, she’d been kissing Clark, listening to his profession of love only to, in the next instance, find herself kissing Superman and listening to his profession of love.
To confuse things even more, she had to say that she’d felt the exact same emotions when she was with Clark as she had with Superman. So which man did she really love? And was any of this a memory, or was it just a dream? Or was her subconscious trying to tell her that she loved both men? And if that were so, where did it leave her and Clark?
More frustrated than ever, Lois climbed out of bed and grabbed her robe. After all, she wasn’t going to solve anything in here. So first a shower. Then it was time to take the bull by the horns. She owed Clark an apology. After that... Well, she honestly had no idea where to go from there, but she desperately wanted her memories back and would do whatever was necessary to make that happen.
* * * * * * * * *
The smell of coffee was the first thing Lois noticed when she exited the bathroom. Her eyes flicked in the direction of the kitchen to see Clark working at the counter, his flannel shirt hanging open over his jeans.
For a moment, she hesitated. This was the first time she and Clark had been alone since they’d woken in the morning after their night together - and certainly since she had realized that he’d been a virgin until that night.
She instantly forced herself to calm down. She didn’t know for certain that he’d been a virgin. She couldn’t say for certain that they hadn’t made love before then. After all, her diary seemed to end before they’d even become engaged. They might well have gotten carried away some evening after the events she remembered had taken place. After all, there was still the memory of them fumbling around on her bed.
Besides, he hadn’t acted like a blushing virgin - or whatever term applied to a man in this situation.
So maybe there was no reason for her to apologize. After all, Clark meant nothing to her. No! No, that wasn’t true. That was Max’s lie. Clark meant something to her. She knew that. She still wasn’t entirely sure what he meant to her, but he did mean something.
She closed her eyes. As tempting as it was to pretend she hadn’t had these latest memories, she couldn’t. She had to know for certain what their relationship had been. If in his late twenties, he was still a virgin, it had to be because he had chosen to be, that he was waiting for that one special woman and that one special moment. And she had taken that away from him through an act of deception and for her own purposes. Her actions were unforgivable, especially after he’d done what he’d done for her: risking kidnapping charges to get her away from a man who had brainwashed her into believing she loved only him.
And when she thought now about the way things had gone down the night they had... well, that night... When they’d returned to the cabin, he hadn’t taken her directly to the bedroom - which seemed the logical choice if they had been lovers prior to her amnesia. No, he’d taken her to the couch. And he’d seemed quite content to remain there, had even tried to slow things down. She was the one who had taken them into the bedroom. And, as she thought about it now, she’d pretty much taken the lead with... everything that the first time.
“Breakfast’s ready,” Clark said from the kitchen, pulling Lois out of her thoughts.
“Just give me a moment to get dressed,” Lois said softly, unable to meet his eyes.
“I’ll just leave it here and...” He gestured towards the door. “...get out of your hair.”
“No!” She seemed to startle both of them with the vehemence of her response. “I mean,” she corrected quickly, “I’d like you to stay.” She finally met his eyes. “I think we need to talk.” She cursed the slight tremor in her voice.
He nodded.
“Good,” she said. “Okay... well...” She padded across the cabin to the bedroom door. “I’ll just...” She didn’t finish her thought even as she arrived at the door and ducked inside, quickly closing it before leaning against it and taking a deep breath.
Well, that was awkward. She gave herself a moment to pull herself together before turning her attention to getting dressed. She might not be looking forward to this talk, but she owed it to Clark not to keep him waiting.
* * * * * * * * *
TO BE CONTINUED...
ML
