I have to admit there was a part of me that thought I would never be able to make this post. After languishing on my harddrive for ages (some of the stuff in here was written before Playing the Part <G>) suddenly everything came together this weekend and was able to crank it out. I want to say a really sincere thank you to all the people who sent me feedback on Playing the Part and Playing to Win and who asked me about PfK and let me know that they were looking forward to it. Honestly, if it weren't for those emails, I probably would have scrapped it. At the very least it would still be sitting half done on my harddrive months from now. Also thanks to Kathy, my poor BR, who has to live with my erratic writing schedule. She not only deals with it, she deals well with it and is cheerful about it. And to RetroRose who will drop anything to read something *right now* when I'm dying for instant feedback. <G>
It should be very clear from the beginning when this picks up. If you haven't read
Playing the Part and
Playing to Win yet, I'd highly recommend reading both of those before reading this. I'm sure you can figure out what is going on without reading them, but it will make a lot more sense if you do.
There are four parts, all very close in length, and I'll be posting every other day, probably right around midnight my time (EST).
And now, without further ado....
Playing for Keeps
By: Annie M
As the movie credits began to roll, Lois snuggled deeper into Clark's embrace. She sighed deeply, reaching for the remote and stopping the movie. The screen flipped back to LNN where the news anchors were discussing the same boring pieces they had been presenting before the movie.
“I guess there's not a lot going on in the world tonight,” Clark said, rubbing her arms softly.
“Good,” she said, rolling her head to one side, and smiling as Clark took the invitation to kiss her there. “If Perry calls us tonight, I'll kill him.”
After spending most of the weekend unpacking, running errands and getting caught up around their respective apartments, tonight had been the perfect escape – dinner at her place then cuddling on her couch while they watched Sleepless in Seattle. It was a scene that had already begun to feel routine. Each night this weekend, no matter how busy they'd been during the day, going about their separate business, they had gravitated together in the evening, eating dinner and chatting, until eventually they wound up sprawled on a couch, abandoning any pretense of watching the movie they'd rented.
Clark chuckled as he continued to feather gentle kisses at the base of her neck and the top of her shoulder. Lois shivered and giggled at the feeling of Clark's laughter against her skin.
“If he calls, let's pretend we're not here and refuse to answer the phone,” Clark said, brushing her hair aside and trailing kisses up to her ear.
“Are you going to find some other way to entertain me?” Lois teased, shifting in his arms until she was facing him.
“Yeah,” Clark whispered, dipping his head until his lips were just millimeters from hers. Lois felt her heart speed up in anticipation, craving the feel of his lips on hers.
Suddenly Clark pulled back. “I was thinking we could watch another movie,” he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously as he reached for the remote.
Lois froze for a second, then burst out laughing. “You are too much!” With that, she closed the distance between them, still grinning as their lips locked.
In moments, their joking demeanor vanished, replaced by a growing passion. Their hands began to roam each other's bodies, and they shifted their positions on the small, uncomfortable couch until Lois was halfway under Clark.
Lois tugged his T-shirt out of the waistband of his jeans and slid her hands underneath. She caressed his back and sides, smoothing her hands over the taut muscles. His lips pulled away from hers and began to feather soft kisses on her neck. Lois sighed contentedly, pulling one hand out from under his shirt to stroke his hair.
“That feels so good, Clark,” she said, sighing again
“I love you, sweetheart,” he said softly, his words vibrating against her sensitive skin.
As she played with his hair, she hooked one leg over his, pulling their bodies closer together. She still couldn't quite believe this was happening. After a week of pretending to be Clark's girlfriend, it now seemed almost too good to be true that life was really imitating art.
Lois' thoughts returned to the present, and she smiled as Clark snaked one hand under her shirt, his movements becoming bolder. She moaned quietly in encouragement, deepening their kiss. She loved this – being with him; touching him. He was unlike any other man she'd ever been with. Her pleasure was always foremost in his mind and he never pushed her for more than she was willing to give.
It made her feel safe and respected that Clark was willing to let her set the pace. In the hotel room their last night in D.C., it had been she who had put on the brakes. They'd spent the night kissing and cuddling, but she hadn't been ready to consummate their relationship. Even though he'd been eager to make love to her that first night, he had never pressured her to do anything. In fact, she had been the one to initiate much of their physical relationship.
Of course, it was possible that he was actually skittish himself. Last night he'd actually run away rather than cooling it off. It wasn't the first time that he'd suddenly remembered that he needed to return a video or sign for a package. But now Lois was beginning to wonder if his forgetfulness was a cover for his nerves. Or maybe he wasn't as sure about this relationship as he wanted her to believe. Maybe he had doubts. Maybe he didn't want things to go too far in case he decided to walk away.
Lois pushed all negative thoughts from her mind, allowing herself to enjoy the moment. His hands smoothed over her stomach, stroking gently, then moved higher.
Eventually he began to slow things down, removing his hand from her shirt and stroking her arm instead, lessening the intensity of his kisses. Lois whimpered in protest, bringing him in for another searching kiss, unwilling to let their evening together to end yet.
“Don't stop, Clark,” she gasped, when they came up for air. “Don't leave me yet.”
“I'm not going anywhere,” he reassured her, pressing light kisses to her jaw and collarbone. Their kisses slowed and finally stopped as they lay cuddled in each other's arms. They whispered to each other, talking about everything and nothing until they were both drifting in and out of sleep.
Finally Clark forced himself to stand up and pulled Lois with him. She walked him to the door, and leaned against the doorjamb as he hesitated outside the door.
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Clark said, reaching out to stroke her cheek. “I'll see you tomorrow at work.”
Lois nodded, leaning into the palm of his hand. His familiar caress always made her feel so secure.
“Dinner tomorrow night?” he asked.
“I can't,” she said, genuinely disappointed. “Tomorrow's Monday. I have my Tae Kwon Do class.”
He looked so disappointed that she couldn't resist stepping forward and giving him a quick kiss. “I could skip it,” she said, pulling away slowly.
“No, don't.” He rubbed her back gently, reluctant to release her. “Your class is important to you. I can go one night without seeing you. It won't kill me.”
“It might kill me.”
“Oh, Lois,” he groaned her name softly, and pulled her back to him. Their lips met and fused. Finally Clark pulled away. He placed a sweet kiss on her forehead, said one last goodnight, and walked away.
Lois watched as he retreated down the hallway, then shut the door softly. She latched each of the locks, then padded to the bathroom to get ready for bed. It had been a wonderful night, but she was distinctly disappointed after Clark left. Not that she was less than thrilled with the time they had spent together – it was just that she was beginning to wish the night didn't have to end with a kiss at the door. For a week she'd slept next to him, listening to him breathe at night, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. After that week of sleeping beside him, it was harder than she'd expected to get used to her lonely bed again. Since they'd come back from Washington, they'd spent every evening together talking, cuddling, kissing on the couch. But every night they went to their separate beds. She'd thought about asking him to stay a couple of time, just to hold her, but she'd felt strange about it.
It was stupid, she knew, to be nervous about asking him to stay. She had no doubt that he would stay if she asked, but somehow it just seemed strange. In the hotel, they'd had to sleep together even though they weren't making love. Now that they weren't being forced to share a bed, she felt awkward asking Clark to spend the night just to hold her.
She finished her nightly routine, reflecting on all the changes their relationship had gone through in the past few weeks, then slipped through the silent living room dressed for bed in a simple silky gown. She clicked of the small lamp on the side table, plunging the room into near darkness, the only light coming from the streetlights outside her window. She lingered for a minute, ready for bed, but not quite willing to go yet.
Her gaze fell on the telephone and her mind immediately flitted to the possibility of hearing Clark's smooth voice whisper good night one more time before turning in.
She hesitated for a minute, wondering if she was becoming too dependent, too clingy. She had always valued her independence, and had never been the sort of girlfriend who had to talk to her boyfriend every day, but…she really missed him. And what little time they'd spent together today, he'd seemed a little off. Not upset really, just stressed and worried. She'd questioned him about it, but he hadn't said much of anything.
She wavered, then reached for the phone. It rang four times, then Clark's voice came on the line, “Hi, you've reached Clark Kent. I'm not home right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Lois sighed and considered hanging up. But when she heard the mechanical beep, she couldn't bring herself to put down the receiver without saying anything.
“Hey, it's me,” she said nervously. “I just.... I was just calling to say good night. Good night, Clark.”
She dropped the receiver into the cradle with a soft click, her eyes lingering one the phone for just another second before turning away. She started to walk to her bedroom when a movement outside her window caught her eye. She paused, unsure she had actually seen anything, then walked slowly to the window.
She had stopped leaving her window open after she had returned from DC. She hadn't thought much about it, telling herself that it was only natural due to the increasingly cool temperatures. But deep down she knew it was more than that. There had been a time when she would have left the window unlocked in the middle of a blizzard. She had always left the door open in silent invitation. But things were different now, and the invitation no longer stood.
She unfastened the lock and opened the window. “Hey,” she said softly. “Come in.”
Superman hovered outside for a second, hesitating, then floated over the sill and landed lightly in front of her.
A small gust of wind ruffled her sheer curtains. She shivered.
“Just let me grab a robe.”
She froze. The words hung between them as they both remembered that last time she'd spoken them. He flinched, and when she met his eyes, she saw regret and self reproach.
“Go ahead,” he said softly. “I'll wait.”
She hurried to her room and slipped the robe on, knotting it securely around her waist. She was curious about Superman's sudden appearance, but the flutter in her stomach that once accompanied his unexpected appearances was noticeably absent.
When she walked back into the living room, she found Superman shifting nervously, looking at his feet.
“Hey,” she said softly. “What's up?”
“I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just flying overhead and saw movement in the dark. I thought you might be in danger.”
“Thanks,” she said, grateful but not giddy that he was checking on her, the way she would have been once.
Suddenly she noticed that he looked a little tired.
“How are you? You look tired.”
He smiled slightly. “It's been a long day.”
Lois took in the tired look about his eyes and the weary tone of his voice. “We take advantage of you, you know,” she said softly. “Go home...wherever that is. Get some rest. Let the world take care of itself for awhile.”
He hesitated, and not for the first time, she wondered where his home was. Did he even have a home? He must go somewhere when he wasn't rescuing people, but somehow she just couldn't image him kicking back and watching TV after a long, hard day of diverting tornadoes and collaring pickpockets.
She used to wish that she could create that home for him. She had wanted to give him a port to pull into when the waters of the world proved too rough. He spent so much time caring for others, he needed someone to take care of him occasionally.
She still believed that. It just couldn't be her that gave him that.
“You do have somewhere to go, don't you?” she asked when he remained quiet.
“Yes. Lois, I ....”
She could see the reluctance in his eyes, as if a part of him wanted to tell him more, but another part was stopping him.
She held up a hand to stop him. “No, you don't have to say anything more. I just wanted to make sure that you'd be okay.”
“I'll be fine. Thanks for being concerned though.”
He started to turn away, headed for the window.
“Superman.” The urgency in her voice startled them both. He stopped and turned to face her. “I just wanted to say ... you can always come here.”
*****
He froze, her words sending a dagger of icy fear through his heart. After all that they'd been through together, he had been so sure that she was really in love with him. The real him.
She rarely talked about Superman anymore, and when she did, it was as she would talk about any other friend, void of the blatant longing which has once filled her voice whenever she spoke of him.
Once they'd returned from DC, he'd been sure she was past her infatuation. In the past, her window had always been left open for Superman – a silent, but clear invitation – for the last three days, it had been closed and locked. Each time he'd flown by on his patrols, his heart had sung with joy – Lois had finally made her choice, and it was the real him! Yet now her words belied the truth of that silent symbol. The beautiful picture of their lives and their future together began to fade, replaced by a bleak snapshot of a life without her.
“You can always come here,” she had said. The words, and their implications, still rung in his ears.
He said nothing, unable to form words while grappling with his crumbling dreams.
“You're still my friend,” she continued, filling the silence. “I know I've told you...said things to you...in the past. Things that could make a friendship between us...awkward. But I realize now that you were right. I don't really know you. None of us do.
She paused for moment, raking her fingers through her hair. Then she smiled slightly. “I'm in love with Clark. We're together now. We haven't really made a big announcement or anything; it's still pretty new. He's...amazing...and I was so blind not to see that sooner. But that doesn't mean that you and I can't be friends. I still care about you, and honestly, I worry about you sometimes. And I know Clark cares about you too. So, I just.... I just want you to know that you ever need anything, even just some company after a hard day, you can come to us.”
Slowly, her words began to sink in. She cared about Superman, but she loved Clark. She worried about Superman and wanted him to know that she and Clark were there for him. Us, she had said, solidifying their status as a committed couple.
Even as relief lifted his spirits, guilt began to pool in the pit of his stomach. He should have known. He should have trusted her.
She had made herself so vulnerable, had been so completely honest with him, and he hadn't trusted her. How long would it take for him to get over his paranoia that she was only attracted to his powers?
Only an hour ago, she'd been in his arms ready to give herself to him completely. He was nearly certain that they would have made love if he hadn't stopped them. Yet he'd still believed her capable of harboring a secret torch for Superman.
His stomach began to churn as he realized how hypocritical he'd been. He was so quick to leap to conclusions, so quick to condemn her. Yet it was he who had not been completely honest. She had forced herself to have conversation that could not have been easy for her in an effort to get everything out in the open. But there was still one thing – one huge thing – not out in the open.
He'd had every intention of telling her as soon as they returned from DC. But he just never seemed to find a convenient chance. Finally he admitted that there was never going to be a convenient time. He needed to bite the bullet and tell her the truth. He couldn't stand lying to her any longer.
He had to tell her the truth.
“Lois,” he started, his voice quivering from the strain.
He looked up, needing to see the love and encouragement in her gaze. Instead he was startled to see only distant concern. She wasn't looking at him, he realized suddenly. She was seeing only the mysterious superhero who was not quite a friend.
He couldn't do it this way. Not just because he was scared, but because she deserved to hear this from her boyfriend, not a near stranger.
“Thank you,” he said finally, disappearing out the window before anything more could be said.
*******
Clark shifted nervously, watching through the small window in the studio door as the students gathered their belongings. Meeting Lois after her class in order to walk her home had seemed like a great idea at the time, but now that he was actually there, he wasn't so sure anymore. He needed to tell her the truth though, and as much as a part of him wanted to postpone the inevitable, a much larger part of him knew he couldn't wait any longer. He had tried to tell himself that one day wouldn't matter much; he could just tell her the next night, when they were supposed to go out to dinner anyway. But as he'd sat in his living room earlier that evening, he'd been overwhelmed with an urge to get everything out in the open. Meeting her at her Tae Kwon Do studio and offering to walk her home had seemed like the perfect opportunity.
His eyes darted around the quiet hallway, not, he told himself, looking for an escape route. The door burst open before he could flee, and teenagers and adults wearing identical robes and brown belts spilled out into the hallway. Clark spotted Lois lingering behind the group, talking to the instructor. Just as he was about to thank his good luck and slip out, she looked up and spotted him. For a moment her features were masked in confusion, then a slow smile spread across her face. She said goodbye and made her way quickly to his side.
“Hey!” she said cheerfully, giving him a quick hug. “What are you doing here?”
“I just...wanted to see you,” Clark said sheepishly. “I know we said we could go one night without seeing each other, but today was so crazy at the paper, I hardly saw you. And I was at home thinking about you, and I thought maybe you wouldn't mind too much if I showed up after your class and offered to walk you home.”
“I definitely don't mind,” Lois said with a grin. She slipped her hand into his, lacing their fingers together and tugging him toward the exit.
They walked silently for a few seconds, taking in the cool, crisp night. With only a little prodding, Lois began to tell Clark all about her class that evening. Clark tried to stay focused, but couldn't keep his mind from wandering to the conversation he knew they'd have to have once they reached her apartment.
“Are you okay? You seem nervous.”
“I'm fine!” he said automatically.
Lois looked at him skeptically and squeezed his hand.
“I'm fine, really. I was just thinking about what will happen when we get back to your apartment.”
“Oh really?” Lois asked, her eyebrows shooting up.
“No! I just meant I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Talk, huh? Okay...”
“Lois!”
“Relax, Clark, I'm just teasing you. But, you know, you just seem to be walking really slowly. I'd have thought that you'd be eager to get back to my apartment so we could pick up where we left off last night.” She let go of his hand and slid her hand under his leather jacket to stroke his back.
Clark felt his pulse skyrocket. All thoughts of conversation fled momentarily. “If you don't stop that, we're not going to make it back to the apartment. I'm going to ravish you right here.”
“Well, what do you know, here we are,” Lois said impishly, withdrawing her hand and starting up the steps to her building.
In moments they were up the stairs entering her apartment. Lois tossed her keys on the counter. “Give me just a second to go change into something more comfortable. I'll be right back.”
Clark watched her slip into the bedroom and reminded himself why he was there. This was very important and he needed to focus. His eyes fell on a framed photo of the two of them at some unidentifiable Planet function. He picked up the picture and looked into Lois' eyes. “Lois, there's something I have to tell you,” he started. He shook his head. “Lois, have you ever noticed that Superman and I look a lot alike?” No, all wrong. “Lois, I'm Superman.” Too sudden. “Lois, I know I should have told you this ages ago, but....”
He set the photograph back down and shook his head. How was he ever going to get through this?
“Clark?”
He turned and inhaled sharply when he saw her. Dressed in leggings and his Smallville Tigers sweatshirt, she was casual but incredibly sexy. He found himself momentarily speechless.
“Well, that was an even better reaction than I'd hoped for,” Lois teased. She slid into his embrace, locking her arms around his neck and raising her face to his in obvious invitation. He responded automatically, covering her lips with his own. She parted her lips while her hand began to stroke the back of his neck. He groaned in appreciation and maneuvered them the few feet to her couch.
They lowered themselves gracelessly, his hand working its way under her shirt to stroke the soft skin of her side. For a moment, he was able to forget why he was there and just enjoy the moment, but slowly a nagging reminder that something was wrong began to assert itself into his consciousness. There were things he needed to tell her, parts of his life he needed to share with her. She deserved to know who he was, all of him. He owed her at least that much. And he couldn't wait another second to tell her. He couldn't lie to her any longer.
Clark pulled away. “Wait, Lois. We need to talk.” Her brow furrowed as she took in his words and his serious tone. “There's something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago. I wanted to. Really. I was just...couldn't. But I have to now. That's why I met you at your class tonight. I didn't want to go one more night without having this conversation.”
“What are you talking about? You're scaring me.”
“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't mean to scare you.” He looked into her eyes for a moment before leaning forward and capturing her lips in a sweet kiss. "You're going to hate me for that in a minute," he said softly as he pulled away. "But I just wanted to kiss you one last time. Before I tell you this, just remember that I love you."
"Clark?" she asked, her eyes searching his face.
He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, preparing himself. He let the breath out slowly, then opened his eyes to meet her troubled gaze.
"I'm going to start at the very beginning, because I don't know where else to start.” His voice wavered, but Lois squeezed his hand, urging him to continue and he forced himself to keep talking. “Almost thirty years ago, my parents discovered they couldn't have children of their own. They immediately looked into adoption, but they were just simple farmers, and the possibilities didn't look promising. Then, one day, they were driving home in the twilight, when they saw something streak across the sky. They followed it to Shuster's field, and found a capsule of some sort. When they opened the capsule, they found an infant inside. They didn't know where the baby had come from, or how it got where it was, but they were sure they understood *why* it had landed where it did. This baby was meant for them." Clark's voice grew steadier as he related the story his parents had told him when he was old enough to understand where he came from.
"They took the baby home and told everyone that he was the child of a young cousin who was unable to raise him. But in reality, they didn't know who … or what … he was. They assumed that he was a project of the space program. After all, they had put a dog up into space, why not a baby?"
Lois reached for his hands, and Clark grasped them gently, thankful for her lifeline. "As the years passed, they noticed at their son was different than other children – he was stronger, faster, healthier than normal children – but they loved him and treated him the same as they would have treated a biological child. They taught him not to be ashamed of who he was, but they also taught him that it was imperative that he hide his differences; that he never allow others to know about his origins because they could use that information to hurt him. They told him that if the government found him, they may complete their testing on him, and any government that was cruel enough to send an infant into orbit was cruel enough to do other unspeakable things…." Clark trailed off, trying to figure out how he was going to tell her the rest of the story.
Lois tilted her head and studied him for a minute. She squeezed his hands, and shook her head, obviously confused. "I don't understand, Clark. Are you telling me that you're…some kind of science experiment?"
"I'm not a NASA experiment, Lois. I'm Kryptonian."
The words were out of his mouth before he knew they had formed. Lois' jaw dropped slightly, but she didn't move. She seemed stunned to silence.
"I know I should have told you earlier," he said, rushing to tell her the rest before he lost his nerve. "But at first I was protecting my secret. It wasn't just for me – it was for my parents. If anyone knew who I was – what I was – they would use my parents to get to me. If something happened to them because of me…I would never forgive myself. Then, when we became friends, when I got to know you and trust you…. I should have told you, but I just wanted…. I needed…. You didn't understand. You couldn't see that he was just a disguise. When you looked at me, I need you to see *me* - not him. I know that's selfish, but I didn't want to be different. I just wanted to be me, and I just wanted you to love me."
Clark ran out of steam and stopped, allowing the silence to fill the room. He had expected her to yell, to scream, to lash out at him. Instead, she sat with her hands still in his, unmoving, silent.
He thought that nothing could be worse than having her hate him, having her scream and accuse him of horrible things. But this – this silence - was much worse.
