“Shoot, Mad Dog,” said Jon. “Do it, or you will die!”
She had killed only once before, and it had been hell. How many times would she have to do this? How many times until she could escape or---
The man she was aiming for turned to look at her. He had a handsome smile and dark wavy hair. His broad shoulders seemed capable of carrying the weight of the world on them.
“Kill him, Mad Dog,” came Jon’s voice from somewhere in the dark, over her shoulder. That insistent, sinister voice that she had heard so many times, forcing her to kill, to abandon all she held dear...
“No! Clark!” she screamed, squeezing the trigger and watching in horror as Clark fell to the ground.
“No, Clark! I’m sorry! Clark! Don’t die! Clark...!”
“Lois...Lois? Wake up,” Clark said, gently shaking her shoulder.
“Clark! I’m sorry... oh, God, Clark!” she cried.
Clark cradled her in his arms, trying to stir her awake. “Lois, it’s me. It’s just a dream. Wake up.” The room was awash in moonlight, bright enough to see each other in the dark. He had run in from the living room when he heard her distress. Despite Lois’ protests, he had insisted on sleeping on the couch. It seemed less complicated that way... at least for now.
Her eyes fluttered open, tears in the corners. “Oh, Clark,” she said in anguish, burying her nose in his shoulder. “I—I can’t do this anymore... I can’t...” she said miserably, the elated reporter of a few hours ago was completely gone, replaced by the hurting woman in his arms.
It was enough to break his heart; he’d prefer to see her excited about a story—even one that could potentially disrupt his life irreparably--- than see her so broken, so distraught.
“Shhh.... what? What can’t you do?” he asked soothingly. She clung tightly to him, unable to form words.
“You want to talk about it?” he asked gently, not sure if he was asking about her dream or finally about what she had been doing in the Congo, but willing to hear either.
She cried into his chest, small whimpering noises that were so uncharacteristic of her. “I’m not weak,” she said softly, as if to contradict her helpless position in his arms.
“I never said you were,” he said quickly, wanting to reassure her. “In fact, I think you are one of the strongest women I know.”
“Really?” she said, sitting up slightly.
“Yeah.”
She reached for a Kleenex and wiped her eyes. “I... I was having a nightmare...”
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked again encouragingly.
“N-not yet,” she said cautiously. “But... I do want to talk... You need to know... what I am,” she said, her voice cracking with tears at the last.
Clark tried to soothe her, gently rubbing her back, calming her.
“Tell me whatever you want. There’s no pressure, Lois,” he said soothingly.
A long, heavy silence was in the room as Clark waited for her to begin. At long last, she pulled away from him, playing with the sheet as she avoided looking at him.
“I was kidnapped by the very men I was chasing. I knew they were evil, but I had no idea---“ she sighed, tears choking her again.
She glanced up at Clark, and he hoped he looked encouraging enough so she would continue.
“I thought they would kill me... or---well, you know what can happen to women prisoners.”
“Did they?” he asked in horror.
“No, but I almost wished they had. Maybe it would have been better. At least if they had raped me, I would know it wasn’t my fault,” she said sadly, with a pained expression.
“Lois. It wasn’t your fault. Whatever happened, wasn’t your fault. You were a prisoner. You fought to survive.”
She nodded, shoring up her courage. “I’ll let you make that judgment after I tell you,” she said simply. She looked up to the ceiling, trying to dampen the tears that kept wanting to fall. “I never cry. In fact, I haven’t cried... for... a long time,” she said.
“It’s okay. It’s natural after being in a very stressful situation,” he said, gently rubbing her arm in a calming motion.
She nodded, “Maybe...” Then a sigh, “Okay, I’m just going to get this out. They kidnapped me.” She swallowed, “And they gave me a choice.”
“And is it this choice that you feel guilty about?” he asked cautiously.
She nodded, shame evident on her face.
Clark gently lifted her chin to his eyes. “Lois, I won’t judge you. I’m here for you. Whatever happened... it’s in the past. I want to help you... move on,” he offered tenderly.
He offered whatever warmth and compassion he could, hoping Lois could see it in his face, in his eyes. He meant it. He was there for her, however she needed him.
“Why?” she asked brokenly.
“Ah, Lois...” he said, seeing her distraught expression and pulling her into his arms again. “I guess ... no, I *know* because... I feel something... vital when I’m with you. I... I think I’m---“
She turned to face him, stopping him with a finger to his lips. “Shhh... don’t say it. Not yet. I have to tell you this first. This ugly---thing that I became in the Congo. And if you still feel that way when I tell you, then you can say it,” she said, releasing his mouth from her fingers, only to kiss him gently.
*~*~*~*
Lois sat back on the bed, bracing herself to tell her darkest secret to the one man who has meant anything to her in a long time---if not ever.
“They kidnapped me and trained me to be an assassin,” she whispered, her cheeks dark with shame.
“An assassin?” he asked, seemingly uncertain.
“Yes. My choice was to become an assassin or be killed myself,” she said quietly, burying her head in her hands.
“Oh Lois... that’s... horrible! Unconscionable!” Clark cried in dismay.
She cringed, knowing she had said too much. “I told you that you would hate me,” she said painfully.
“You? Lois... I... could never hate *you*,” he said with feeling. “No, Lois, you misunderstand me. I mean those *monsters* in the Congo! To give you such a –choice! If you could call it that.”
“But I became one of those monsters, Clark. I *killed* people,” she said with dark shame. <<I almost killed *you*.>> “I don’t know if they were good or bad people, it was a thin line between the two... but it doesn’t matter. I... ask God to forgive me every day that I didn’t have the courage to let them kill me instead.”
He pulled her tighter to his chest.
“I’m glad they didn’t kill you, Lois... You’re not a killer. You did what you had to survive, like a soldier, in a war. I wish you hadn’t had to kill, but I know you’re not a killer.”
She wept on his shoulder, trembling in his arms. “I just want to go back to being Lois Lane, ace reporter. She was so much less complicated. That’s why I am so excited about this story, about this super blur.” She sat up and wiped her eyes. “Don’t you see? Only by being Lois Lane—even incognito--- only by writing stories about the good guys overcoming the bad ones can I ever hope to move on---to find my soul again.”
Lois got up suddenly from his embrace and walked over to the window. The moonlight made her skin appear almost alabaster as she turned back towards Clark.
“Don’t you see? If there is some sort of superhero out there, it gives me hope. In this completely hopeless situation where we’re looking for a guy who obviously knows how to hide himself, who can go after my sister even in her own apartment---” She put up a hand to stop Clark, as he seemed about to interrupt. “I know we don’t have the details about Lucy yet, but Clark, trust me. It had to be the Boss or at least one of his minions that was there tonight. And some... guardian angel swooped down and saved the day. I *have* to write about it Clark. Don’t you see?”
She came and sat back down on the bed and reached for his hands. “What happened in the Congo---I regret every moment of it except for the fact that I survived. And—that I met you,” she said quietly.
“Lois---“
“Shh,” she said, leaning her head against his chest. “Just hold me, will you? And tomorrow, let’s see what we can do about writing about Metropolis’ new hero.”
*~*~*~*
Early the next morning at the Planet, Lois took over Clark’s computer to begin composing her article about the blur.
“Quit pacing, Clark,” she said, glancing over her shoulder. “I know you’re worried about Lucy. So am I. But this is in the vaguest terms possible. It simply states that there is something supernatural out there helping the citizens of Metropolis,” she said gesturing towards the computer screen, where her story was half finished.
Perry evidently caught sight of them wrapped up in Lois’ typing, as he was coming over to see what they were working on.
“You two have a lead on... the Boss?” he asked, lowering his voice conspiratorially.
Lois turned to Perry, eyes sparkling. “Even better!” she said with triumph. “Perry, there’s something amazing going on in Metropolis and the Planet will have the exclusive story!”
Perry smiled enthusiastically, “Well let’s hear it, L—uh, Mrs. Kent.”
“Perry, you won’t believe this. I was walking by my sister’s apartment last night and someone or some*thing* literally *flew* into her window to save her from some thug! I could only see a blur, but I think it was a person! Can you imagine?”
Perry lost some of his enthusiasm, but seemed loathe to dampen Lois’ spirits after all she had been through. “You’re right, I don’t believe it. Kent, can you back her up on this?”
Clark adjusted his glasses, apparently uncertain. “I, uh, wasn’t there, Chief. I can’t say.”
“Perry, I *know* what I saw!” Lois exclaimed determinedly when there was no support forthcoming from Clark.
“Look honey, I’m really happy to see you excited about a story, really I am. But this is—well, I just can’t print it. We need witnesses. And with what you’ve told me, I doubt you want to get your sister involved,” Perry said quietly, his face strained with having to dampen down Lois’ excitement.
“But Perry---“ she began helplessly, then decided on another tactic. “Clark?”
Clark gestured vaguely at the screen. “He’s right, L-Linda,” he said, mindful of their cover around the office. “We need more evidence.”
Perry patted her gently on the shoulder. “We can’t go looking like a gossip rag, printing something with not much to back it up. I’m sorry, honey. But you’re gonna have to find something more solid that I can print.”
As Perry walked away, Lois stared glumly at her story. “I know what I saw,” she said defiantly, crossing her arms.
Clark placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I believe you. But Perry’s right. You can’t print that. Let’s just wait and see---if he, or *it* acts again. And hopefully in a way that has nothing to do with your sister.”
Lois sat crossing her arms, thinking. She knew that there was a huge story here, if only Perry would let her pursue it. She wished she could call her sister, or that she would call Clark. Then maybe she could get confirmation about what she saw, which would be something in the way of evidence, even if they changed her name.
She looked up at Clark. Seeing his expression, she laid her hand on his arm, “Clark, please stop worrying. Perry won’t print anything yet anyway. If you talk to my sister, then we’ll sort out how to handle the story. Everything will be okay.” She smiled at him, thinking about what Perry had said about him caring for her. She thought about how compassionate he had been last night when she had confessed her darkest sin, and she wondered at the luck of having him in her life, even if it was just until the Boss was found and put away.
He sighed, seemingly shaking off his worries as he smiled down at her. “I know. Hey, you want to get out of here for some lunch?”
She pulled out a manila folder that she had tucked behind his computer earlier. “Actually, I’d like to go to –home and sort through this file. These are all of my notes on all of the underhanded dealings that have happened in the city the year before I left. If there are any clues as to who the Boss is, hopefully I’ll find them here.”
“You want company?” he asked.
“I need to do this on my own, Clark,” she said, not looking at him. “I have to sort through a lot of things in my head. You know? Try and remember any clues I may have been given while I was down there. I appreciate your help, but I’m sure Perry needs you here. I’ll be fine,” she said, forcing confidence. The truth was, she was afraid once she started dredging up memories, she’d fall to pieces again, and she needed to do that alone this time. Push through and try to remember. If she had Clark’s comforting arms there, she was afraid she’d just push it all away for the safety of his embrace and never discover the truth.
Clark seemed worried about her but resigned. He nodded and then leaned in to kiss her cheek. “Are you sure? I mean, you think you’ll be safe?”
“Clark, I’ll get a cab straight to the apartment. I’m sure I’ll be fine. And besides, if there is a problem, maybe the blur will be right there to help me,” she said smugly. She turned to look at him. “I know what I saw,” Lois said stubbornly, expecting a protest from Clark.
He smiled unexpectedly, surprising her. “All right. I’m just a phone call away if you need me.”
Lois gathered her things, her stomach doing flip flops as she realized this would probably be the longest time they would be apart since she had gotten back to Metropolis. But she needed to do this, for herself, and for any hope of solving the mystery that was the Boss.
Clark helped her put on her coat. “If it helps, I have some notes of my own. Some conjectures I’ve made based on your notes I read before---well, before I found you. And some other clues I’ve put together.”
“I appreciate that, Clark. And this is a joint effort. We can go over your stuff tonight. I just---I need to face some of this alone.”
His eyes searched hers and she felt her heart suddenly beat a little faster as he spoke. “I respect that, Lois. Just know, you’re not alone. Unless—you want to be. But I’m here for you. Don’t forget that.”
She swallowed the sudden lump in her throat, thinking of all the men who had been in her life who had patently *not* been there for her—or worse, tried to destroy her-- including her father, although to a much lesser extent. She simply had never been good enough for him.
“Why?” she breathed out before she could stop herself.
“Because---I am, Lois. Let’s leave it at that for now... So, I’ll bring home dinner?”
*~*~*~*
Lois sat cross-legged on Clark’s floor, all her old news clippings spread out around her. She had stories dating from the year before she disappeared covering local drug busts, arson, theft, and even a few murders. A lot of the crimes involved local businesses that were attached to larger firms, so she began compiling a list of all the businesses tied in to the stories, planning on cross-referencing them later with other larger conglomerates. She knew there had to be a common thread between these crimes and ‘the Boss.’ Obviously, somebody was running much of the crime in Metropolis though, because the thugs involved implied there was someone behind their actions, but always ultimately took the rap for the crime. They were all protecting someone.
But who?
She suspected many of them didn’t even know. Which made her speculate further that it had to be someone very powerful indeed.
Lois sighed, her back starting to ache from sitting on the floor all afternoon. She thumbed through the last half dozen articles she had written, the ones that had led to her ultimately jumping on a plane to the Congo.
Bobby Bigmouth had told her before she left that some entrepreneur in the city was laundering money by selling illegal guns in the Congo and the money was being funneled through some space project. She hadn’t gotten further than that, but knew she had needed evidence that money was indeed exchanging hands in the Congo and being sent back to Metropolis.
She propped her knees up, her hands covering her face as she tried to think back. Back to when she was in the Congo, before she had been caught—
The men were on the phone to someone in Metropolis, Lois knew, having heard them ask to be connected by an operator. But whoever they spoke to also passed them on through a few other channels before they reached their man.
“Tell the Boss the money will be sent under the code name we agreed on. We need a new shipment of M-16s and long rifles.... I don’t care if he’s on his yacht, I’ve got my own neck to look after! Tell him that’s what we need, at least 50 of each... Got it?... Yeah, okay, I know he has a pet project, but there’s only so much that can be sent at a time... he knows that...”
Lois crept around the warehouse, hiding behind large gun-filled crates, being careful to keep quite a distance from the men a few yards away. This was the first direct contact she had heard with anyone in Metropolis and she wasn’t going to blow it by being discovered. She had been there a week and it had taken her that long to track down their storage area.
Her heart pounded as she scribbled a few notes on her pad: “the Boss... filthy rich? (hanging out on a yacht!?) ...money to be sent to Metropolis... guns... pet project.”
Lois rubbed her temples, remembering being back there again. She had been so naive, thinking she could take on a whole crime organization. If only she could get the proof, she had thought. She had gotten that and then some... and oh how it cost her...
There it was, the thing that she hadn’t wanted Clark to see. Her guilt and her fears. She let herself wallow in the feelings, trying to exorcise them, push them forward so she could move on. Tears came, as she knew they would, and she let them flow. She had denied herself the comfort of Clark’s shoulder, knowing that she had to work through *this*---alone. This wasn’t a path he could walk for her, even though he seemed game to try.
She kicked her semi-organized articles as she stood up.
“Why? Why did I let them force me---“ she said aloud, realizing that if she had somehow gotten away before, then maybe her family wouldn’t have been at risk. Or at least, not as much as she had feared. And for that, she felt entirely guilty. She had let them terrify her and force her to do things—no, say it, Lane---to *kill*! And it might all have been for naught.
She suddenly walked over to Clark’s large picture window, looking up at the bit of sky that was visible between the buildings, thinking of the blur she had seen the other night at her old apartment. He, or whatever it was that had been there, had saved her sister, and had managed to nullify her sacrifice in one great swoop.
But she didn’t begrudge her sister’s rescue, it simply compounded how many wrongs she still had left to right. It made her purpose clearer, too. She had to see the Boss put away and destroyed. And she would fight till her last breath to stop the evil in the world, even if she only managed to do it here in Metropolis.
She and the blur would somehow save the world... and then maybe, she could forgive herself... for being a coward.
