I'm posting this a little bit early, so I can dedicate it to Becki while it's still her birthday! Happy birthday. Enjoy!
********
Lois took a deep breath and met his gaze for a moment before looking away again. “You're going to hate me.”
“That sounds awfully familiar,” Clark said softly. He reached up tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Do you remember what you told me when I said that? "There's nothing you could say that would make me hate you.'”
Lois took a shaky breath. “I think we should break up.”
Clark's body froze while his mind began to race. He must have heard her wrong, he told himself. Surely she couldn't have said that she wanted to break up with him.
“I'm sorry,” she said softly. “I know that this seems kind of sudden.”
“Sudden? Yes, definitely sudden. Lois, what happened?” he asked, panic beginning to set in.
“Nothing happened, I just....”
“Look, I know I've been really busy as Superman lately, and I'm sorry. And I know I told you that I would give you as much time as you need, and I haven't really done that. But please, you can't just end this. Things are too good. I'll give you as much time as you need to get used to me being Superman, I swear.”
“Clark, this has nothing - *nothing* - to do with you being Superman. I need you to know that. And I need you to know that whatever happens to us, I will never, ever tell anyone your secret. And I'll still help you. You can still come to me if you need to talk. And I'll cover for you at work.”
Clark's head whirled as Lois began to babble. “Lois, what are you talking about? You're breaking up with me and then you're telling me that you'll be there for me when I need you and you'll cover for me at work? What am I missing here?”
“I want to be your friend, Clark. I still care about you....a lot. I just.... I just think that it would be better if we just stayed friends.”
Lois met his gaze for only a second before looking away again. Clark didn't know why she was doing this, but it was obvious to him that there was something going on below the surface. Her heart was racing and she was obviously uncomfortable. He'd bet anything that she was just as upset about the thought of them breaking up as he was. But if that was the case, why was she doing it?
“You think we should be just friends?” he asked calmly.
“Yes,” she said. Her voice was steady, but she still refused to look at him.
Before he knew what he was doing he reached out and cupped her cheek in his palm, gently turning her face toward him. And then he was kissing her. A long, searching, sweet kiss. She responded immediately, automatically, and when he finally ended the kiss, just as suddenly as he'd started it, they were both breathless.
“Don't even try to tell me you didn't feel that,” he said softly. “What's really going on?”
“I told you. I just want to be friends.”
“And we just established that that's not entirely true,” he retorted. “The real question is, why, if you want to be my friend and you are obviously attracted to me, do you want to break up with me? What am I missing? What happened yesterday that freaked you out? I wasn't even around all day. If you're not upset about Superman – and you've already sworn it has nothing to do with that – I'm at a loss.”
There was silence for a minute, but Clark refused to give in. He wanted an answer. He needed an answer.
“You haven't been in the office much over the past two days,” Lois said finally. Clark had no idea where she was going with that, but he was glad she was talking. It was a good start.
“No, I've been doing a lot of interviews outside the office, and I've had to be Superman a lot, of course.”
Lois nodded, but didn't speak immediately. Finally she continued. “So you probably haven't realized that we're everyone's favorite topic of conversation.”
Clark grimaced. He knew that couldn't be the whole reason she was breaking up with him, but for someone as sensitive to gossip as Lois, he knew it had to be painful. “We are? What are they saying? How did they find out?”
“People from the conference have mentioned it to their friends at the Planet, I guess. Then they pass it around. Now everyone is speculating about when we got together, how long we'll last, if we're really a couple at all or just "friends with benefits.'”
Clark reached over and took her hands again. “I'm sorry. I know how much you hate being talked about like that.”
“It's not just that,” Lois said after another long pause. “This is reminding everyone of the whole Claude fiasco. It's been a couple of years, so some of the new people haven't even heard about him, but the people who were there then, are having a field day filling them in.”
As Lois filled him in on the conversation she'd overheard in the restroom the previous day, Clark had to make a great effort to keep calm. How could people be so mean? She was obviously really hurting, not just about the gossip but about the memories it had dredged up, but there really wasn't much he could do to help her, at least not until he found out how that was involved in making her break up with him.
“Honey, I know this is upsetting for you. And I admit that I don't relish being gossiped about either. But I don't understand why that means we have to break up. After all, won't that just start a new round of rumors?”
Lois shifted uncomfortably. “It's not just the gossip. It's just that the gossip got me thinking. Especially about the whole Claude thing.”
Clark tensed, feeling a bit defensive. “Lois, I'm not Claude. I love you. I would never hurt you like that.”
“I know that,” she said softly. “You would never do anything to hurt me, and that's why you could hurt me so much more than he ever did.”
“I'm not following. Help me out here.”
Lois sighed. “With Claude...I was hurt. I was humiliated. But I could throw myself into my work and get past it. It was easy to hate him, so I didn't really miss him. With you...when we break up, it'll be totally different. I know I won't be able to hate you. And I won't be able to throw myself into my work either because you'll be there. Even if you aren't physically there, I'll never be able to walk into the newsroom, sit at my desk or write a story without thinking about you. It would kill me. And you're still my best friend, Clark. So I'd be losing that too. The only person in the world who could possibly get me through something that painful...is you. And you'd be the one person in the world I couldn't go to.”
Clark could hear the pain in her voice and knew it was genuine. A part of him wanted to reach for her and comfort her, but another part was growing more and more frustrated by the second. They hadn't even been dating for a week and she was already thinking about their break up. It was pretty clear that she had no faith in him and no faith in their relationship. Obviously she wasn't nearly as committed to this relationship as he'd thought she was.
“I just think,” she continued, “that it would be better for both of us if we broke things off now – while we can still stay friends. Before it's too late.”
“It's already too late.” Clark said, jumping up from the couch. He ignored Lois' stricken look and continued. “Do you really think we can go back to the way things were after the last couple of weeks? Do you have any idea how torturous it would be for me to go back to pretending we were just friends after being with you like this?”
“It'll be hard for me too,” Lois said. She looked at him from the couch, anguish in her eyes. After a moment she dropped her gaze from him to her lap, toying with her hands. “I'm sorry. I really am. I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to do. I'm doing this because it will save us both from worse pain later.”
“No. You're doing this because you're a chicken. It's okay for you to jump headfirst into something dangerous without any regard for life or limb when it's a story on the line, but when it's our life together hanging in the balance, you're not willing to risk getting hurt.”
Lois leapt to her feet. “That's not fair!”
They stood toe to toe, each clenching their hands at their sides. Clark's jaw ticked as he fought a losing battle to remain calm. “It's the truth! We haven't even been together for a week and you're already planning our break up! Did it ever occur to you to give me a chance? To give us a chance? I'm not going anywhere, Lois. I want this to work. I need this to work.”
“I want this to work, too! You have no idea how much I wish this could last forever. I've been happier this week than I have been at any other point in my entire life. But, Clark, my track record speaks for itself. Something always goes wrong.” Lois threw her hands up in the air in a show of helplessness and frustration, and turned her back on him, facing the couch.
“Maybe that's because, in the past, you've dated guys who were jerks. Do you really think it's fair to compare me to them? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?”
Clark's soft pleas seemed to touch her in a way that his yelling hadn't. She turned to look at him again, and started to reach for him, stopping herself at the last minute. “I'm not comparing you to them, Clark. That's not the point. The point is that I love you too much to risk losing you forever.”
“And you really think you can save our relationship by doing this?”
“I know it won't be easy. But it will be easier than trying to salvage it after a bad break up months from now.”
“Okay, let's just say – for the sake of argument – that I go along with this. That I give up everything that makes me happy and go back to pretending I'm satisfied with being your friend.” Lois had the good grace to look somewhat abashed, Clark noticed, and he allowed the impact of his words to sink in fully before he continued, his voice rising with each question. “How long can we keep that up? Are we just supposed to stay single for the rest of our lives? What happens when we start dating other people? Am I just supposed to sit back and watch as you start dating someone else, someone who can't make you as happy as I do? Am I supposed to be in your wedding? Play godfather to your children? Do you have any idea how sick that makes me feel? I don't want to be the best man, Lois! I want to be the groom!”
Lois was quiet for a moment as Clark began to pace. “Clark,” she said finally. “I believe you mean that. I really do. You mean that now. But what about six months from now? How long until you get sick of me? How long before what you're feeling now fades away and suddenly it's not worth putting up with my weird quirks and insecurities? Then you won't even wind up be the best man, you'll just be an ex-boyfriend that I think back on and wonder whatever happened to him.”
“I'm not going to get sick of you,” Clark said loudly, punctuating each word. “How many times do I have to tell you that? Can't you even give me a chance to prove that? Not every relationship ends! Some people manage to live very happily their entire lives. Is it totally impossible for you to believe that we just might be one of those couples?”
“I'm just not like you, Clark! I don't have your faith in love. I didn't grow up in a house filled with love. I grew up in a house where everyone hated everyone else, and every relationship I've had as an adult has been a disaster! Yes, I love you. I love you so much it hurts. But this butterflies-in-the-stomach, hearts and flowers feeling isn't going to last.”
“See, that's our problem! Because I'm not talking about hearts and flowers and romance!” he shouted. “I'm talking about two people who love each other enough to make a commitment to work things out. I'm talking about sticking together when things get hard; working through the bad times. Lois, I can't promise you that things will always perfect. I can't promise you that we'll never fight, or that I'll never make you cry. But I can promise you that no matter what happens, I won't walk away. No matter what goes wrong, I'd rather be with you than without you. I need you. You are the most important thing in my life, and I will never do anything to jeopardize that. Forever. That's what I'm talking about.”
Clark ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
Lois sat down on the couch and dropped her head into her hand, crying quietly. Clark hesitated for just a second before dropping to his knees in front of her and gathering her into his arms. She came willingly, burying her head in the crook of his neck and wrapping her arms tightly around him. As silent sobs shook her body, Clark held her tightly, rubbing her back. As he held her, the remains of his anger slipped away.
“I just love you so much it scares me,” she whispered against his neck, damp with her tears. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”
“Shh, it's okay. I love you, too,” he whispered, stroking her back. He wasn't sure yet that this meant she had abandoned her idea to break up with him, but the fact that she was clinging to him seemed like a good sign.
“Tell me again,” she pleaded softly.
“I love you.”
“No, tell me you'll never leave me. Tell me you won't get sick of me.”
“Oh, Lois. Honey, I'm never, ever going to get sick of you. We'll have our differences, and I'm sure we'll butt heads plenty of times. But I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much. I'm not going to leave you.”
He pulled back slightly, and she clung to him. “I'm not going anywhere, Lois,” he said softly, moving up to sit beside her on the couch and pulling her back into his embrace. For a moment of he held her silently, just being thankful that she was still there. Then he spoke again. “But I need you to make me that same promise. I can't live in constant fear that you're going to come home from work and break up with me because you're scared. You have to come to me. Talk to me. We can work it out together, if you'll just trust me.”
Lois pulled back and wiped her eyes. Clark waited as she took a deep breath and met his gaze. “I promise.”
Clark slid one hand behind her neck and tugged her toward him, resting his forehead against hers. He grasped for words to say to solidify this change in their relationship but failed to find anything meaningful enough. After a moment, Lois solved the problem for him by tilting her head to one side and capturing his lips in a sweet kiss. Clark sighed and brought one hand up to stroke her cheek. His other hand slid down her back, pulling her closer. Lois responded immediately, pressing forward until Clark lay sprawled on his back, Lois draped over him.
“I thought I'd never be able to do this again,” Lois said, unbuttoning his shirt and layering kisses across his throat and shoulder.
“Oh, sweetheart, that feels so good,” Clark groaned, stroking her hair. But as her kisses continued a growing sense of unease began to fill him. “Honey. Lois, wait. Just a second.”
She pulled away and looked up at him questioningly.
“I just.... I mean, tonight's been really emotional. Maybe we should just take this slow.”
“I just want to be with you, Clark. I thought I was losing you. I feel like.... I need to touch you. To know that you're really here.”
“I'm here,” he said, stroking her hair. “But maybe we can just ....”
“You don't want me,” she said hollowly, pulling back farther. “You're still mad and you don't want me to touch you.”
“No!” Clark settled both hands at her waist, preventing her from running away. “No. I love when you touch me. Always. I'm just so confused right now. We've gone through so much in the last hour. I'm just....”
“What, Clark? You're just what?” Her voice was quiet and he knew that a lot was riding on his response.
“Scared.”
“Scared?”
He took a deep breath and eased Lois to the side, sitting up beside her. “You know what you were saying about wanting to break things off now because you know it would be so much harder in the future?” She nodded, but her face was etched in suspicious confusion. “Well, I know what you mean. Because although I have no intention of this ever ending, I know there is nothing I can do if you decide to end it. It's like I said after I told you about me being, you know, Superman. It's your decision. And that terrifies me. Because the thought of watching you walk away is so scary to me. But you're right about it only getting worse. And as petrified as I was tonight when you told me you wanted to break up, I know you're right that it would be even harder down the road.”
“So you don't want to ... be physical with me? Because you're scared?”
Clark laughed softly, then reached out and caressed her cheek. “Are you kidding? I want you more than I ever have. I want to touch you and hold you and tell myself that you'll never leave.”
Lois furrowed her brow and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. “Then what's the problem? What am I missing?”
“There's no problem, really. I just.... I just need a little time to get over the emotions I was feeling earlier. It's hard to shift gears so suddenly.”
“I know. I'm sorry,” she said, looking down at her lap to avoid making eye contact with him. “Do you want me to go?”
“No! I just... Let's just take this slowly, okay?”
She nodded slightly, but didn't say anything. Clark reached and cupped her cheek, bringing her face up again. Then he leaned forward and kissed her lightly, his lips clinging to hers. His hand slipped around to the back of her neck, caressing and holding her to him as his kisses became more insistent. Lois whimpered and began to kiss him back, one hand dropping to his thigh to steady herself.
As they continued to trade sweet, gentle kisses, Clark could feel the fear in heart being replaced by her love and tenderness. When she deepened the next kiss, he laid back gently, returning themselves to their earlier position.
As their kisses grew more heated, he shifted beneath her. Finally he placed his hands on her waist and levitated a few inches in the air, then flipped then so that she was beneath him on the couch.
“What? How did you? Wow,” she said, a grin spreading across her face.
Clark returned the grin, then captured her lips again. Bracing one arm on the couch cushion to take some of his weight, he slowly brought the other from her waist up, skimming her stomach and then tracing higher. Lois inhaled sharply and arched up toward him. He trailed his hand back down her stomach until she whimpered incoherently against his mouth, one hand tangled in his hair, the other exploring his back. They remained locked this way, alternating deep, long kissing with lighter kisses peppered across each other's upper bodies. Finally, breathless, Lois placed her hands on his chest and pushed softly until he pulled back.
“Take me to bed, Clark.”
Clark's heart clenched at her words and tightened further as he took in her rumpled hair and kiss bruised lips. He wanted desperately to follow her instructions, but he was afraid that if he did, he wouldn't be able to stop the way he had in the past. Though he'd told her earlier he wanted to take it slowly, he'd long since passed the point where that was a problem. Now all he could think about was being with her, totally and completely. And if she wasn't ready for that, sharing a bed tonight might not be the best idea. They'd either do something she'd regret, or he'd be tortured.
As if sensing the reason for his hesitation, Lois smiled at the conflicted look in his eyes. “I want you to make love to me.”
His heart racing, he begged his body to calm down enough to allow him to think rationally. “Are you sure? This has been an emotional night, and I know how you feel. I want to be with you, too. But are you really sure you're ready to make love to me? I don't want you to regret the first time we make love.”
“I'm not doing this because I'm upset and I need to be comforted, Clark. If that was the case, I'd ask you just to let me stay the night and hold me. I know you'd do it. I want to make love to you. I'm in love with you, and I've just finally come to the realization that I don't have to protect myself from you anymore. I don't want there to be anything left between us.”
That was all Clark needed to hear. He stood and whisked her into his arms, kissing her deeply then striding to his bed as she continued to kiss his neck. He reached the bed quickly and laid her down gently.
“You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.”
“I'm a mess. I've been crying.”
“You're perfect.”
She smiled up at him ironically. “I had this great romantic plan for our first time. I was planning this great seduction – dinner, wine, candles. The whole nine yards.”
“That's sweet,” he said, lowering himself to the bed until he was half over her, their bodies aligned, one of his legs resting between hers. “But I don't need any of that. I just need you.”
Lois melted beneath him, welcoming him into her arms and into her heart. Things were finally as they should be.
*****
Lois groaned and buried her head deeper into Clark's chest as the incessant beeping of the alarm clock pried her from her peaceful slumber. “Make it stop.”
Clark laughed and reached over her to hit the snooze button. “Good morning to you, too.”
Lois rolled to her side and smiled up at him. “God, I've missed this. Waking up in your arms.”
“Me too,” he said, reaching out and smoothing a lock of hair behind her ear. “I've slept in this bed every night this week wishing you were beside me. And I wasn't even thinking about making love to you.”
Lois looked at him skeptically.
“Okay, I was thinking about it,” Clark said with a laugh. “But I would have been happy just to have you here to sleep. I'd gotten pretty used to it at the hotel.”
“We should call off sick and spend the next three days in bed,” she said, stretching out beside her lover.
Clark raised his head to look at her, one eyebrow raised. “Are you suggesting we play hooky?”
“Who me? Never!” Lois said, mock offended, before laughing. Her laughter died quickly though, and she reached up to stroke Clark's cheek. “Seriously, it's not like we have anything really pressing going on. I just want to spend the rest of the day making love to you and lying in your arms. I can't bear the thought of going to work today and trying to act normal.”
“Me either,” he said, kissing her gently. “Perry should be getting to the office in a few minutes. We can call him then and tell him we're not coming in. We'll think of some excuse.”
She snuggled against him again, sliding an arm over his chest and hugging him. She'd never known she could be so content and happy. It was a fulfillment that nothing she'd tried before – work, success, awards – had provided.
They lay quietly for a minute, and she drifted toward sleep in his arms. The Clark's soft voice brought her back to reality.
“I'm going to ask you to marry me.”
Lois was silent as she let his words sink in. He wasn't asking her to marry him. He was just telling her that he intended to do so – a pre-proposal of sorts. She had never pictured herself getting married. Not after all her disastrous relationships. But, somehow…with Clark…
"I'm going to say yes," she replied softly.
The End
