It's back, if anyone is still interested. I'll be posting the old sections along with the new every third day until it is complete.
S5: Kissing Friends
Lois Lane slammed the receiver down on its cradle and grumbled to herself - another dead-end lead. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a couple of new interns speeding up as they passed by her desk. Yes! Her reputation of Mad Dog Lane was still preceding her.
After he had talked to her old editor in California, Perry had proudly let it slip a few days after Lois had started that she had been dubbed 'Mad Dog Lane' at her previous newspaper, and it had made the circuit around the newsroom like wildfire. She suspected that the gruff old editor had done it to help her cause after the fiasco of her first morning at the Planet. Now months later, she secretly enjoyed living up to that notoriety. She could avoid Clark like the plague and have a good excuse to be grumpy, not only to him, but everyone else she came into contact with. A good offense was far better than having to come up with a weak, on-the-spot defense.
Yet, it was rather lonely, she admitted to herself, even if she was climbing her way up to the top of the food chain at the Daily Planet. The idealistic dreams she'd had the first day she'd started, both personal and professionally, had been dashed when Cat Grant had dredged up the past and assumed that she was sleeping with another top reporter. If the unknown truth had been revealed instead of being covered up - that she had almost slept with Clark the night of their rescue - then she would have probably moved on again to another newspaper, another town. She didn't think her reputation could take another hard hit.
But as it stood, it was only an allegation, one in which the fires had been doused in the days following the fiasco. The strain between her and Clark had been practically tangible, but it had taken care of the gossipmongers. A lot of hidden sexual tension thrown in with a good dose of manufactured hostility had everyone giving them both wide berths when seen in the same room.
Credit to Kent, she grimaced inwardly, that he'd completely accepted all the responsibility for the risqué position under the table that was captured on film the night of the White Orchid ball. He had used some silly excuse, like she had been helping him find his glasses under the table and had rebuffed his advances. The staff didn't believe a word of it, she was sure; she was the newcomer at the time and Clark was the conquering hero. Still, it was a nice gesture on his part to try to protect her, not that she'd ever let him know that.
The worse of it all was that she was still completely and hopelessly in love with Clark and seeing him everyday was bittersweet. It was too late to turn back the hands of time. Clark had not wanted anything to do with her since their breakup. They had agreed to keep their distance, and he had done just that. Aloofness had turned to almost hostility, and whether that stemmed from being bitter after all this time, she didn't know. In the beginning, all she had to do was give him the word and he would be there for her. But now, so much time had passed by that she wasn't sure he even liked her anymore much less the unfinished 'I love you's' that he tried to tell her a couple of times.
Now, it was only wishful thinking to want more. Yet, she'd lain awake many nights dreaming of being in his arms again, of tasting his lips and feeling his hard male body as it lowered down onto hers. But she didn't even have the satisfaction of having completed the act of love; she had been a tease and a disappointment to Clark by throwing herself at him that night.
She had fallen asleep on his chest as he was trying to tell her something, probably an attempt to let her down gently. She did recall that he mentioned that things had been happening too fast between them and that they needed to slow down and talk. If she closed her eyes and allowed herself to remember, she could feel his warm skin next to hers and the soft vibrations coming deep from his body as she drifted off to sleep.
No, she shook herself mentally; permitting herself to think about what could have been between them was too hard. The first month after they'd parted, she'd picked up the phone to call him several times but couldn't go through with it. She didn't think she could bear to hear him turn her away.
It was all her fault anyway. If she hadn't tucked her tail between her legs and run away from her problems, then maybe she would have had the courage to fight for what they had. But then again, she'd still be working for that rag.
When she'd worked at the Metropolis Star well over a year ago, she'd been on the verge of breaking the biggest story of her young career. But a handsome French star reporter named Claude had caught her attention, and she had fallen in love with him right away. The night she'd asked his advice on her story, they had ended up in bed together. The next morning, Claude and her prize-winning story had been gone.
A confrontation in the newsroom added insult to injury when Cat Grant was found hanging smugly on the arm of Claude the next day. In front of the whole newsroom of dirt diggers and half-honest journalists, Claude accused her of trying to steal her story by luring him into bed. No one believed her, so she had left town only to return a few months later to try her luck in Metropolis again.
This time she needed to prove to herself and the world that she could make it on her own, that she didn't need to be associated with anyone in order to make it at the Daily Planet. Associating herself with the paper's top journalist wasn't going to do either of them any favors. After all, she knew that she was going to be the better reporter out of the two of them; the rest of the world just needed to catch up to the obvious truth.
In addition to starting her dream job at the Daily Planet, the thought of trying to handle a romance was enough to send her running to the hills. It simply terrified her. So she had made the only decision she could at the time. In spite of their blossoming relationship and falling in love with Clark, she'd broken up with him.
Thank God that Kal's friendship had been there to help keep her grounded through all this turmoil and trying times. They had established a routine over the past few months - videos and pizza at least three times a week. She'd order the pizza, he would pick up the videos and they would settle in for an evening of easy companionship. They both drew from each other to help them cope with their real lives.
Kal often came to her after a particularly difficult rescue. She would listen and help bear the load of his not being able to be everywhere all the time for everyone. His heart was so big, she mused with a tiny smile. He wanted so badly to help everyone that he failed to look past the ones he couldn't rescue to see all the good and lives that he'd saved since becoming Superman.
But, she admitted, he was getting better about not taking things so hard. She just needed to continue to work on him in that area.
The elevator doors opened behind her and Lois sucked in her breath in anticipation.
Clark had arrived.
Out of self-defense, she had strategically placed a mirrored picture frame on her desk in order to see who was arriving in the newsroom without having to turn around. Clark had crept up on her unexpectedly in the past, and she'd been caught off guard too many times for her own good. Her composure had almost been shattered by suddenly seeing those broad shoulders and handsome face unexpectedly, and she needed to be prepared in the future. So she used the picture frame as a rearview mirror and the problem was solved.
There he was, walking towards his desk and her. Even in the distorted picture that the mirrored frame offered her, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. Must his every movement remind her of his sexual attractiveness? Whimpering almost inaudibly, she bit her knuckle until he moved out of view.
There was just enough time to steady herself, then he should appear in her peripheral vision. By that time, her composure should be intact, and she'd be prepared for the full impact of his presence. You would think that seeing him practically everyday for months would lessen the effect he had on her, but it was getting worse. She loved the big lunkhead and didn't know what to do about the huge emptiness left inside since their heart-breaking parting of ways.
A shadow fell across her desk, following by a slight coughing sound, and Lois looked to see Clark shifting uneasily in front of her.
Her only acknowledgement of his presence was a cold stare.
"I ran into Perry in the lobby. He's on his way up and he wants us both in his office when he gets here." Clark said, squirming.
"What does he want? Can't he see us separately?" She ripped the words out impatiently, trying to cover up the flurry of conflicting emotions racing through her.
"Lo-is..."
"I mean, why? Are you his messenger boy? Not getting your job done, Kent?"
He rolled his eyes in frustration. "Fine! I gave you the message; now deal with it!" Clark grumbled as he turned away.
"Fine!" Papers suddenly appeared to be out of order as she shuffled them in desperation. <That went well>, she sighed to herself. Clark moved out of her immediate sight but then she secretly watched as he headed for Perry's office. She knew that she needed to go wait with him - sometime. It must be something big if Perry was risking a volcano erupting in his office, but she wasn't going to give Clark the satisfaction of having ordered her around. A few minutes delay wasn't going to hurt anything.
Finally, she couldn't wait any longer, checked her appearance in the picture frame then pulled her chair away from her desk with determination. Being in the same room as Clark wasn't going to be easy, but she'd better get it over with.
*****
Clark fidgeted as he tried to keep from watching the door to Perry's office. Lois was taking her sweet time in arriving; her stubbornness was unrivaled at the Daily Planet. Or for that matter, unrivaled from anyone he'd ever known before.
It wasn't so much that he was upset with her as he was with himself. Things had gone so wrong; the spiral out of control had happened too quickly. Before he knew it, the situation was beyond repair, and Lois was telling him that she didn't want anything to do with him except what was necessary here at the office.
They'd managed to keep a wide berth around each other. Even though their desks were only ten feet apart, Clark had been careful to do his work elsewhere when she was working at hers. It was easier on both of them that way.
This was slowly killing him though. Day after day of seeing Lois, wanting so badly to hold her in his arms, to just touch her and not being able to was nearly impossible. The only thing keeping him sane was his friendship with her as Kal. He'd like to believe that it had come to mean as much to her as it did to him. She was a totally different person when he was with her as Kal, relaxed and completely at ease in his company. They teased and joked with each other on a regular basis - he completely enjoyed being with her in that capacity.
But, as Kal, he had withdrawn from her physically, no longer initiated simple contact. In the first few days of their friendship, there had been more casual touching between them. Now he was afraid that it would become too hard for him to keep up the pretense, or that Lois would recognize his touch as being Clark's.
It killed him to have to do that, but knew in his heart that if he didn't control himself than it could all be over in a flash and he'd be without her completely.
Perry had seemed very mysterious when he'd run into him down in the lobby. From his insistent instructions that he gather Lois and wait in his office, he had assumed that the matter was urgent and that his boss would be along shortly. It had been five minutes, and neither Lois nor Perry was bothering to hurry.
The door opened swiftly. Lois stared at him for a half a second, and then with a silent humph, sat down in the furthest chair from him.
Two feet away.
It was the only other chair in the room besides Perry's leather desk chair.
Lois folded her arms tightly across her lap and stared at the wall away from her colleague, pretending to read a framed Elvis article that she had no interest in. Hearing Clark shift in his chair restlessly, she focused in on the article in an attempt to distract herself from the cosmic debris that he was sending her way.
He didn't have to say a word; the silence crackled louder than any frustrated sigh or fidgeting movements. She tried to fill her head with the mindless diversion of empty words from Perry's shrine to Elvis. The title of the song 'Love Me Tender' popped out at her and she was instantly reminded of the ending words of the song. 'For my darlin', I love you, and I always will.'
She blinked hard at the disturbing thought of the night that she realized she first loved Clark. Yes, she loved Clark and always would. He had certainly 'loved her tenderly' that night. It was the most precious memory she carried with her, a memory that was so sweet, yet extremely difficult to deal with.
Omigosh! She felt her invulnerability lowering its defenses and couldn't help but steal a quick look at Clark. Faint, raw hurt glittered briefly in his dark eyes as she met his glance and held it for the shortest of seconds before he turned away. Shock encased her heart. What was he upset about? He was the one who always had acted so indifferent to her. Probably didn't mean a word when he said he'd wait until she was ready to resume their relationship. His kiss goodbye had been very sweet and almost caused her to change her mind. Except for that, he hadn't protested very much when she told him they couldn't see each other anymore. If she meant that much to him, why hadn't he made more of an effort to work things out? And now he had the gall to look hurt?
She sighed and turned away from him once more. Where in the world was Perry?
Clark began unknowingly tapping his pencil on the arm of his chair. This silence was driving him nuts. He could hear her heartbeat pounding loudly in the room and was having a hard time turning off his hearing so he could ignore it. Yes, she was still mad at him. It was pounding as loud as he'd ever heard it and once every few seconds she'd let out a short quick breath of frustration. For the hundredth time, he chastised himself; he should have known better than to get involved with Lois before she was really ready and especially before she knew who he was.
He had known she'd been running from something in her past, and now he was the most recent cause of her embarrassment and pain. He had ignored her plea to remain friends as Kal in favor of a brief fling with her as Clark. It wasn't a brief anything in his mind. He loved her with all of his heart but was now reaping the consequences of his actions: Lois was never going to speak civilly to him again.
The door opened suddenly and Perry White appeared for an instant, bellowed briefly at the rest of the staff to stop peeking in the window of his office, then closed the door with a resounding thunk. The two reporters jumped to their feet.
"Before you two start using this for an OK Corral shootout, I've got some things I'd like to say to both of you."
Lois opened her mouth to protest, but Perry held a warning finger up to silence her.
"Both of you have been feuding in my newsroom since day one and I haven't said a single word until now. Good competition between reporters is not a bad thing most of the time; keeps the quality up. I've let you go, hoping you would work things out. Now we have a situation where I need to know if you two can be on your best behavior and I need your promise that there won't be a scene."
"Not a problem for me, Perry," Clark said calmly, but silently panicking inside. No telling what situation they were going to be thrown into.
"Perry, I don't think that Kent..." she injected at the same time as Clark. "Fine! What is it?"
"I've nominated the story that you two did on the bust-up of Luthor's drug ring and his downfall as mayor to the Kerth awards and it made the short list. I think it has a damn good chance of sweeping the awards, but I want to know if there is going to be a problem with you two over this."
"Kerth award?" she asked surprised and turned to Clark. "We're nominated for a Kerth?"
Lois flung herself into his arms in a spontaneous embrace.
Clark looked back at her as an elated grin slowly crept up on his face. "I told you we were good together." The words were hardly out of his mouth before he registered their double meaning and was met with an icy glare from Lois.
She dropped her arms in shock, cursing herself silently for the slip in her armor and Clark for bringing back the thrill she felt at being in arms one more time.
Clark turned to Perry, trying to will his emotions back into order once again, wondering if the brief letdown of Lois' guard was a sign that it wasn't as strong as she had led him to believe.
Perry watched the exchange in amusement, feeling very pleased. Just maybe there was chance after all for those two. He'd just love to have the opportunity to see what kind of stories they'd put out together now that Lois was on her way to becoming a polished reporter. And those two kids weren't fooling him. They were so much in love with each other that they could barely see straight. He'd have to see what he could do to further help the situation.
*****
Later that evening, the sun had just gone down as Clark hovered outside Lois' window. He was a bit hesitant to visit her tonight after the strange exchange in Perry's office but needed to reconnect with her as Kal. He peeked through the curtains and saw her sitting on the sofa. She was wearing an old robe, eating ice cream and looking quite forlorn.
Clark knocked gently on the windowpane. Lois looked, and smiling, waved him in.
"Hey! What's with all this?" he asked gently. "Another sad movie? A bad day at the Planet?"
Lois regarded him for a second, then answered, "I'm bored. I'm bored and tired, Kal, and feel like I never have any fun." She sighed then took another scoop of ice cream. "Is this what my life is coming to?" Waving the spoon in the air, a couple of drops of ice cream flew off and landed on her cheek. Clark wiped them off with his index finger and stuck it in his mouth.
"You mean my little visits aren't cutting it any more? That I'm boring?" He knew that they always had a good time whenever they got together and Lois had told him on more than one occasion how much she enjoyed his visits. So it seemed fairly safe to tease her a bit to try to lighten her mood.
"Oh, Kal, no! You're definitely not boring, but maybe I'm getting tired of just movies and the same old pizza. I think we need a bit of variety."
"Variety? I can do variety. A song from Gershwin? How about some authentic Chinese or Italian? I can bring back..."
She cut him off. "Kal, that's exactly what I mean. I don't want to wait here while you fly off and do stuff. I want to go with you."
"Lois, you know the danger that presents. We're already taking risks by my coming here so frequently. You know how much I would love to take you, but..."
"You don't want to take the risk," she interrupted, finishing his sentence. "Kal, I face danger frequently in my job. I've gone up against some really nasty goons and criminals and handling one more isn't going to matter much to me. And don't let me get started on taxi drivers! Besides, who says we're going to get caught. Just this one time."
Clark sighed and cocked a tentative eyebrow at her. He felt terrible about the way his relationship with her as Clark was going, and after today's scene in Perry's office, he was even more remorseful than ever. Maybe this was some way he could make up for being Clark.
He grinned at her and asked, "So what are you waiting for? Get dressed and let's go. I think that old robe is going to drag us down with air friction."
"Really? I can go?" She practically threw down the spoon on the coffee table in her haste to scramble to her feet. Ice cream splattered all over her magazines. "I know you've always been adamant about not being seen in a public place with me, but I just had to try."
Kal laughed at her while super speeding to rescue the ice cream bucket from rolling off the table. "Go on and I'll put this away."
Clark watched her scurried off to her bedroom, then ambled towards her kitchen. Lois had come a long way since the time they'd first met. He looked around her new apartment on Carter Street. She'd finally finished decorating, though some of the furniture was rather, well, rigid. Her mother had given her most of the furniture right after she'd moved in. It had been in storage for a couple of years since the last divorce her mother had from her father.
Of course, he'd teased her about the matching sofa and loveseat. They were harder than sitting on a cement bench, maybe not that hard, but pretty close.
He hadn't complained, but after sitting on them night after night watching movies and not getting very comfortable, he had his mother make Lois some throw pillows that at least lend the torturous devices a bit of comfort.
Lois appeared at his side and he was taken aback upon seeing her. He could hardly recognize her. Her hair was stuffed inside a baseball cap, she wore old jeans and a loose fitting sweatshirt, but the clincher was the black mustache on her face.
"Lois?"
She smiled broadly at him and twirled the ends of her mustache. "It's my new undercover disguise. I didn't want you having a fit every time we saw someone and thought it would make you feel better if no one could recognize me."
"Looks great... but ah, er, I think my reputation will be raising a few eyebrows in the future, that is if you're seen with me looking like a guy."
"Just tell them I'm your adopted baby brother, or your bookie. But if it makes you feel better, I'll stick the mustache in my pocket until we need it."
He gave her a half hug then placing his hand in the small of her back, gently nudged her towards the partially opened window. "The night awaits, my lo... friend."
She turned to him and jumped into his arms. "Ready when you are! Hi ho, Super! Away!!"
Still chuckling, he took a small playful step off the edge, dropped a foot, then shot straight up in the air.
They flew east, and Lois enjoyed being able to fly with Kal once again. It had been too long since he'd taken her flying; she'd forgotten how exhilarating it could be. In about an hour, and flying halfway around the world, they flew into a sunrise, very reminiscent of the first night they'd met.
As the colors brighten and the horizon began to glow, Clark slowed down to enjoy the beautiful picture blossoming in front of them.
"I'll never get over how beautiful this is." She looked up at Clark, and asked earnestly. "Do you ever take this for granted? You see this everyday."
"Nope. Ever since I've been able to fly, before I became Superman, I was always risking being seen when I flew. Now that I can fly freely without worrying about getting caught and losing what I worked so hard for in my real life, I treasure every time I can watch the sunrise or fly over Metropolis and see the city beneath me and know that this is exactly where I belong and where I want to be. Sharing it with someone, my best friend, just makes it so much better."
His arms tightened around her slightly as he grinned down on her, "And being reminded of the time you made it possible for me to do all this is just icing on the cake."
"I didn't do much, just pointed out the obvious. I'm so glad we're taking the long way around the world."
They flew in silence until Clark began his descent and landed in some woods. Lois straightened out her clothing and they walked a short way out into a small town in California.
Clark escorted her into Chubb's Barbeque. Lois had put her mustache back on before entering the establishment. A few people threw glances their way, but soon the crowd basically ignored him.
"I come here a lot, so I'm almost part of the furniture around here. Best, sloppiest ribs anywhere. I thought in your disguise, you'd fit right in."
"People don't bother you here? I would think this would be a magnet for tabloid scum and bottom-feeders."
"I rescued the owner's wife once from driving over a cliff. He's assured me that anyone who is not a regular will be watched very carefully."
"So does this mean I can get sauce on my face?"
"Most definitely, but it might ruin your mustache."
"Eh… I'll take my chances," she smirked at him.
*****
After a very filling and messy dinner, the trip back to Metropolis was another leisurely one, though much shorter. Clark stopped for a few minutes to rescue a man about to jump off a bridge. He'd set Lois down on a wide girder and she watched in admiration as he talked the person down off his precarious perch. The man had lost his wife and was grieving, but Kal had given him hope and promised that he'd stop in to see him on occasion to find out how he was doing.
After a brief flight to take the man back to visit with his grown children, he sat next to Lois on the girder and bumped her shoulder lightly.
"Hope you didn't mind the side trip, but I had to stop."
"You were wonderful. It sounded like you knew what it was like to lose someone you cared for. Is that from experience?"
Clark shrugged his shoulders. "It doesn't really matter."
Of course Lois wasn't about to let it go. "Was it a past relationship?"
"Lois…" He sighed knowing that he'd better give her a satisfactory answer or she'd bug him relentlessly. "No, I don't have any past relationships that's worth mentioning."
Technically, Lois was still his best friend and he considered friendship an important part of a relationship. It was just that she didn't realize she couldn't stand his real identity. But in a way, Superman was the side of himself that was more real now, at least when he was with Lois.
"I've gotten to the point where I don't know if I'm ever going to find that special someone. I mean, what if she's out there and by some turn of fate we never meet, she doesn't like me or can't stand the alien part of myself," <or human side,> Clark thought bleakly.
"I seriously doubt that Kal. You almost sound like you're going through that now. And knock it off about the alien stuff! Do you want to talk about it? Is this a present relationship?"
His back stiffened in response as the old tendrils of resentment stirred from their slumber. He'd long stuffed away his feelings of rejection and anger from Lois' complete dismissal of him as Clark. He didn't understand the absolute turnaround of her attitude towards him since they had decided to part amicably. Although it disturbed him greatly, he'd chosen to ignore his feelings in favor of his friendship with her as Kal. Now she was asking him to dredge up those emotions without even realizing it was her that he was feeling them for.
"Lois, we agreed to not talk about our real lives. Can we just let this go? Come on. Let's go flying."
Lois sighed. He wasn't going to talk. Guess flying wasn't too bad of a consolation prize. She'd get it out of him someway; just wait and see.
*****
The next day at the Daily Planet, Clark was working on his latest Superman rescue article when he felt he wasn't alone any longer. He looked up to identify his visitor and was greatly surprised to see Lois perched tentatively on the edge of his desk. She had a worried look on her face and was chewing on the end of a pencil.
This was the first time since she had started that she'd approached him in such a casual manner. Yet, in order to avoid eruption of Mount St. Lois, he choose to let her speak first.
He waited expectantly for what seemed like hours until she finally spoke.
"You've had Kerths before, right?"
"Yes, I have a couple of them."
"So this is my first one. I don't know what to expect."
"Well, if you win, you go up on stage, say a little speech and accept your award. Nothing to it."
"I'm not talking about the actual award ceremony. What about afterwards?"
"You go home."
"Clark! You really were born in a barn, weren't you? I'm talking about custody." She scooted up further onto his desk and frowned. "You've had them before. You're an old hand at this sort of thing. The first one is special."
"You're nervous, aren't you?" Clark stated amusedly, allowing a bit of a smile to play on his lips. At her half glare, he willed himself to play it straight. He wasn't about to risk their first civil conversation in months by antagonizing her, plus he was very curious to see what was on her mind.
"One more to your collection is not going to mean as much to you. It'll just be another thing for you to dust," she stated matter-of-factly.
"How can you say it wouldn't mean anything to me? We risked a lot and worked hard for this one. In spite of what you think, if we win this award, I'll be extremely happy."
"So you don't want to give it up? I think I should keep it, for the most part."
Clark was beginning to see what she was getting at. She hadn't come over to share in their possible victory, but to weasel the award out of him. It would be the one to mean the most to him, after all, he had been partnered with Lois. He wasn't about to let it go.
"I think we should share it. One of us shouldn't have exclusive rights to something that we created together. I think we should share, like you said before, custody."
She pondered for a second, then stared pointedly at him. "Since you have so many, how about I get it ten months out of the year and you get it two?"
"How about equal timeshare? You get six months and I get six months. If I'm feeling generous, you can have it on holidays."
Lois frowned. Guardianship rights over her first award wasn't something that she had bargained for. But Clark was right; it was his also. Too bad they had made a mistake and gotten tangled up together in the story that was nominated. It would be so much easier if he would just give in and bow out of it altogether.
"Okay. Six months a piece, but I want visitation rights. Once a month when it's in your care. One night a month, you bring here and I'll take it home."
"Uh, uh! I don't think we should expose our award to the prying eyes of the Daily Planet. If you want visitation, then you visit it at my apartment."
"If you're going to play it that way, then I want Kerth support. Awardimony!"
"What are you talking about, Lois?"
"You know, money for upkeep. We have to provide it with proper things: lighting, a decent cabinet to house it and cleaning supplies."
"Lois, the award's not even here yet and we're already fighting over it. Can we give it a rest? Tell you what, if we win, you can take it home first."
"What do you mean if we win, of course we're going to win. And there was no question about who was going to take it home in the first place," she retorted as she slid off his desk.
"We'll see, Lois."
*****
Lois returned to her desk disappointed in the way her conversation with Clark had ended. She hadn't meant to sound as irritable as she had come across. Now she had Clark on the defensive against her and he thought she was only interested in the Kerth Award. Of course the Kerth had been a valid concern, but it was not her intention to further alienate him when she had decided to visit.
Now all she had to do was to figure out if she still had a chance with Clark. Or even more complicated, figure out if she was ready to be in a relationship. Sure, she thought that she could possibly handle things now, but when it actually came down to committing to a relationship, a real relationship where she was genuinely in love with someone...
She wasn't sure if she could do it.
She strongly suspected that he had been having second thoughts about their budding relationship, even though he'd said that he would wait until she was ready. Since so much time had gone by, it was hard to tell what had been fabricated in her mind and what had actually happened.
Why would he cut short their lovemaking if things had been going so well between them? Unless he was disappointed in her, especially at her skills as a lover. In any case, he had stopped them from making love that night. Why would he have done that if he honestly desired her? Wasn't that what all men wanted?
Maybe what Claude had said about her was correct - that she was a disappointment in bed and a lousy lover. Clark didn't need to complete the act to know that it was true. He was simply sparing her the heartache of having to face her everyday knowing that he'd rejected her afterwards. A true gentlemen - unselfish and always thinking about her even if he didn't want her in that sense.
Most men would have taken the opportunity and slept with, and then dumped her, but of course Clark wasn't most men. He had proven himself to her time and time again, even in the gentle letdown that night. He had simply held her and comforted her in the sweetest way possible -- she'd felt loved and cherished if only for one fleeting night, and he never meant a single kiss.
Well, maybe he'd felt something, but it was nothing like what she had felt. Men usually thought with another part of their anatomy, not that she assumed that Clark had; he had been the most considerate man she had ever kissed. For a while she had been fooled in to thinking that he cared for her the way she did for him, and that had been her biggest mistake. She'd even convinced herself that the lovely roses he'd sent the day they had broken up were a token of pity – simply a way to make up for her inadequacies.
In retrospect, those thoughts had been in self-defense; it was simply a way for her to get on with her life. Recently, mostly late at night, she'd been allowing her thoughts to go over all that had happened between them. But it only left her with a lot of questions. Questions that she was beginning to need answers to.
Even if he didn't think she was lacking in the love skills department, what about after the kissing was over? What about the in-between times? Would she balk and run away again? Granted that she had stuck around Metropolis to become a reporter, but looking back, she had left just the same. She'd turned tail and had run away from the man she loved.
How could she ever approach him to let him know that she still loved him? And how could she ever get up enough nerve to ask him about why he stopped making love that night? Her actions were so contrary to how she truly felt; it was something she couldn't help. Her defense mode kicked in whenever she even contemplated talking to him or thought about a reconciliation.
So what was her first step? She smiled as she thought of an idea.
Maybe Kal could help her with it.
****
