Only in my dreams
Part 21
I found myself standing in front of Clark's apartment. I was not sure whether I had just been dreaming. How had I come here? Where was my car? Confusing pictures replayed before my mind's eye. Had I actually traveled into the future? With a writer named H.G. Wells? The more I tried to focus on that memory, the blurrier it became. All I was left with was the knot in my stomach and a paralyzing fear. Cold sweat covered my forehead as I raised my trembling hand.
Never before had it been so difficult to knock on that door. The few inches between my fist and the wood were almost insurmountable. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. Perhaps Clark was not there. Why should he? My story would sound like that of a nutcase. Time travel, dead writers. I must have lost my mind. Startled, I flinched as my fist crashed against the wood, over and over again.
"Clark! Open the door!" I heard my voice like a stranger’s. "Clark, please!" What was I doing here? He certainly was already at the press conference, sealing our fate for good. "Clark!" My voice broke, choked by hot tears running down my cheeks. "Cla ..."
I stopped when I suddenly looked into his face. I caught my breath. In jeans and T-shirt, he looked simply stunning. His constant companions - the glasses - were missing. Even if I had seen him without them countless times, he seemed like a stranger. Clark and Superman in one face, a very sad face.
"Lois ..." Clark greeted me in surprise. "What ... what are you doing here?"
"Preventing you from telling everyone the truth," I replied thickly. My voice did not obey me.
"How do you know that ..." he whispered hoarsely. His eyes were wide and he stumbled a few steps back and nearly fell down the stairs. I followed him, not sure where this conversation would lead us.
"There's this connection between us, Clark," I began confused. "We share our dreams." I could tell from the look on his face that he had no idea what I was talking about. I hurried to continue. "This dream you told me about. In which you sit on my bed – I have had it too. Earlier today you imagined what would have happened if you had revealed your secret when Diana Stride had found out about you."
The words simply fell from my mouth and plopped down right in front of his feet.
What chance did Clark have to make any sense of them, when even I did not quite understand what I was talking about? For a while we just stood there, staring at each other mutely, separated by all the things that had been said between us. There was so much more than just my tangled sentences. Clark finally took a few steps back and slumped down on his sofa. He tiredly rubbed his eyes before he finally looked back at me again.
"I actually thought about it, Lois," he admitted softly.
"You didn’t just think about it, you called a press conference," I protested vehemently.
He just nodded.
"Why Clark? Why do you want to give up on everything?" I shouted at him as more tears ran down my cheeks. I did not care. I threw my jacket off my shoulders, ready to fight. "Only because of the blackmailing? You've dealt with far more difficult situations!"
"You know it's not just about the blackmailing, Lois," he said calmly, an empty look on his face.
"So you do know about it," I snapped angrily. "You have known it all along and just ran off to settle the matter on your own. Some partner you are! Have you even considered how I might be feeling?" I yelled at him furiously and went for him.
He remained sitting on the couch, not even flinching at my outbreak. His calm demeanor instantly took the wind out of my sails.
”It’s the reasonable thing to do, once you think about it," he said softly.
"That's nonsense," I disagreed with him. "Reasonable would be to put a stop to their game. You’re Superman for God’s sake. "
"I don’t need to be Superman to do that," he objected, pointing at the small table beside his sofa. There was a laptop sitting on it that I hadn’t even noticed. A letter was lying next to it, addressed to Perry. I knew it was a resignation letter. My stomach cramped painfully. I turned away.
"The article is almost finished," Clark said calmly. "The next counseling they’re going to have is with a defense lawyer." A very brief smile flashed across his face and disappeared immediately when I looked at him.
"When did you write that?" I shot back at him furiously. Clark winced and stared at me with wide eyes. "Were you going to tell me about it? Or were you going to keep me in suspense. They know your secret, and you aren’t the least bit worried?" I shouted at him. "You did everything you could to keep this from me! And now you’re simply going to tell everyone?"
"I've sent the article to you, first. Perry has promised to wait until you’ve edited my copy," Clark ignored my objection, as if he had not even listened. "You can also work here if you want to. I ..." He got up from the sofa and barely looked at me. He seemed uncomfortable around me, his expression was tense and very sad.
"Where are you going, Clark?" I asked and stepped in his way. "You’re not going to leave me just like that." I felt tears in my eyes. That was what he always did. And what was I supposed to do about it, anyway? Still, I did not flinch.
"There is nothing more to say, Lois," he replied quietly.
"And what do you think will change, once they know your secret?" I interjected.
"I won’t tell anyone. It would only put you in danger, you and my parents," Clark said tersely, almost as if he had never seriously considered it. I knew better. Still, I was relieved, at least a little.
"And what will you do then?" I wanted to know, still determined not to leave without getting some answers.
"Superman will announce that he is leaving the city. And Clark will cease to exist," he said gravely. His lips had become small and the muscles in his jaws were tight.
"But ... but you're Clark." It was obvious. And yet I had never seen it quite so clearly. Clark was Superman. But above all he was Clark. Clark was the one who had a real life, friends, and hopes. Superman was the only means to provide Clark a real life. "How can you abandon this?"
"Clark doesn’t exist without you, Lois. Without you there wouldn’t even be Superman," he gulped and suddenly I felt his hand on my cheek. It was this familiar and so dearly missed gesture. He gently ran his thumb across my lips and wiped away the tears that covered my cheeks. "Maybe I'll be able to continue to be Superman somewhere out there. I'm afraid, Clark is already lost. "
It could not be true! "And what about the blackmail?" I tried to awaken his fighting spirit. He could not give up so easily.
"They know nothing," Clark said quietly. "They were reaching until the reaction of their victims told them where to dig. Then they start bugging the rooms. They came too late." I gasped. Relief mingled with ... I was not sure what to call it. Rage? The feeling was not palpable. Everything was so confusing.
"It's time to say good-bye, Lois," Clark continued and I saw him swallow once again. "I don’t want to lose you, but I see no other way," he said seriously. I could see that he was suffering as I was.
My heart clenched until I felt I could no longer breathe. How could I ever let go of him? What would I do if he stayed? There would always be this invisible line we could never cross! The message from Jor El suddenly seemed so much more real than a time traveler. I was behaving ridiculously. Why had I even come here? Clark was right. It was a clean cut. I had lost Clark months ago – admitting to that could only help us both.
"Someone's manipulated the message from Jor El," I cried desperately, grasping Clark’s shoulder to make him look at me. "If you go through with this, you’re going to destroy Superman. That’s exactly what he wants." I dug my fingers deep into his shoulder, until they began to ache. On the one hand I was desperate to make him see that not all hope was lost, but on the other hand, I was not sure I actually wanted him. Not after what he had done to me. Still I was here. Did any of this make sense?
"Lois, what are you talking about?" Clark said, watching me with growing concern.
Suddenly it was as if a dam had broken. I sputtered my story, beginning with H.G. Wells. The words followed one another so quickly that I was surprised what I remembered. The ransom note, the wild car ride, the journey in time. I did not even take the time to draw a breath.
Clark was silent and listened attentively. His expression gave no clue as to what he was thinking. When I finished, I was out of breath. It seemed to me as if I had actually lived through all that again. The adrenaline rush was almost as intense.
"You realize that this all sounds pretty crazy," Clark said after a while.
"No crazier than a flying Kryptonian," I said lightly, despite myself.
At least I elicited a smile. It reminded me of the good old days when Clark and I had been best friends. Involuntarily, a surge of happiness coursed through my body, warming me from within. It was all too fleeting.
"All I'm asking of you is that you let yourself be examined, Clark," I added in a sudden twinge of hope. "Someone must be able to find out if it's true what Jor El said."
Clark's gaze was inscrutable and his jaw tense. I felt cold again. What if he had done this long ago? My stomach tightened. When Clark opened his mouth, I would have loved to cover my ears. My fingers were numb, my skin prickled uncomfortably. I dreaded his answer.
"Lois, please don’t do that," he pleaded softly. "Please don’t raise any false hopes. There is no point in trying to convince me otherwise," he said determinedly. "Jor El has sent me this message, why - and most importantly how - would someone be able to manipulate it? This globe has traveled through space!"
I had expected that answer. Still, it was a cold, sobering shower. Stunned, I stood in front of Clark and did not know what to do. Was I not just trying to fool myself? Clark was right. The Kryptonians had to have possessed an advanced technology. How could someone from Earth change that message? And why? Just to destroy our relationship? That was absurd.
"Why are you so keen on giving up hope, Clark?" I shouted at him against all reason. "Maybe there's a way. We just have to find it!"
"Do you really believe that I haven’t thought about this?" he said harshly. "For months I’ve been thinking about little else. And I'm trying not to lose hope. You know where this has led us, Lois." He turned his back on me, embarrassed. "I didn’t exactly treat you like you meant anything to me."
His voice suddenly sounded different. Quiet and bitter. Reluctantly, he turned back to me. The anger was gone from his face. Gently, he looked at me.
"After all that has happened between us, it's too late, Lois. I've pushed you from me, I had a relationship with Mayson. How can I expect you to forgive me?" he asked quietly.
"Because I love you," I replied, wincing at my own words. It was true. I had gone through hell. But I still loved him. "I want you to free yourself from this nightmare, Clark." Why was I so sure that he could? Had H.G. Wells actually convinced me? Or the time travel, which I had most likely just imagined?
"I never thought about second-guessing Jor El’s word," Clark said after a while. "For months I spent my time trying to get my life back under control."
"I think I would have done the same," I replied quietly. "Will you do it?"
“I’m afraid”, Clark admitted softly.
“Me too.” I reached out for his hand and covered it. For once he did not flinch. “After all I’ve been through with Lex and Paul and Claude… I didn’t think I would ever be able to fall in love again. But I did – with you. Despite all odds. I don’t want to give up on you without fighting, Clark.”
His eyes rested on me while I spoke, never wavering. “I never thought I would feel like I belonged somewhere. But when I first saw you, it was like I had finally found a home. It kills me to think that I can never truly be yours.” His voice broke.
“Then give us a chance, Clark,” I begged.
He merely nodded and then squared his shoulders. I saw the tremor in his arms as he took the phone in his hand.
"Who are you calling?" I asked curiously, and all of a sudden incredibly nervous.
"Dr. Klein."
* * *
A few weeks later…
”Lois?" His voice was gentle and affectionate. My heart skipped a beat and then suddenly started pounding madly in my chest. I raised my head. Clark’s lips twitched into a smile, basking the newsroom in light like a sunbeam in dark woods. "Coffee?" He asked softly, holding out a cup for me.
With a sigh, I pushed the files on my desk aside. An aromatic scent emanated from the cup he offered me. Graciously, I took it. The taste was even better than the smell. Clark cautiously took a sip of his own coffee and sat down on the edge of my desk. Fascinated, I watched the play of his muscles underneath his shirt; I saw the strength in his movements. He slowly leaned towards me and reached out to wipe milk foam from my lips that I had not even noticed. Clark’s touch was intense, though. A tingling sensation spread through my face as his hand gently cupped my cheek.
"I would like to invite you to dinner," Clark murmured, his voice sounding deeper than usual. He looked at me in silent admiration. His breathing became faster. With the hand that had just touched me, he started fumbling restlessly with his tie as if he could barely keep himself from touching me again.
"How about tonight?" I asked, excited and at the same time annoyed with myself that I was sounding so eager. But I had been waiting way too long for him to finally work up his courage and ask me out. "You could pick me up at seven."
Clark nodded and surprise was written all over his face. A thin smile twitched at the corner of his mouth, soon turning into a full-blown grin. I loved the way he smiled; it was like the dawn of a new day, a perfect sunrise, warming my heart from within. I could not help but join him in smiling, shy at first but with increasing boldness.
My partner set his coffee cup on my desk and slid along the edge, closing in on me. I felt drawn to him. All of a sudden, I desperately wanted to get up from my chair. But if I did that, the whole newsroom would see, would know that...
Clark leaned forward. Gently he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and his thumb moved over my cheek, until finally his entire hand was resting there. Behind the glasses, his eyes seemed even darker. A fine blush colored his cheeks. I saw him swallow as his face came closer. His lips parted slightly and then he kissed me.
I closed my eyes. There was only his mouth as his tongue gently caressed mine. Tenderly, he nibbled at my lower lip, sucking lightly and letting go again. Was it just me, or was it getting hot in here? My cheeks burned and I hungrily returned his kiss, sealing his lips with my mouth, drowning in their soft tenderness.
The End
Author's note: Thanks to all of you who joined me on this ride. Special thanks to IolantheAlias and VirginaR for their wonderful beta.
