Wow... can't believe how long it's been. The one hundred and one RL things that pop up is one reason I hate posting to the boards sometimes. So, after all of that, I have this. If you're still interested...
Enjoy!
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Turning three years old was a huge event at the Kent home on Saturday afternoon. The backyard was packed with all of their friends. Clark reluctantly allowed Dan to be grill meister so he could spend the extra time with the twins. Dan and Mayson had finally moved in next door as well.
Right before it was time to sit down to eat, a new guest arrived.
"Lana!" Martha greeted the young woman who walked around the house.
"I wasn't sure I should come," the younger woman said as she hugged Martha.
"Nonsense. You were invited." By Martha herself. She hadn't consulted Clark, but was sure he wouldn't mind. Taking the gifts Lana held, Martha steered her toward the crowd.
"Lana!" Clark stopped his game of hopscotch with Perry when he saw the woman with his mom. He hadn't seen her since that night in his apartment a few months ago. She'd been called back to work for Eprad on a top secret project. He'd spoken with her on the phone, but he always enjoyed seeing her. He walked over and gave her a warm hug. "How are you?"
"Good. You look great. And the house..." She glanced up at it. "Look at Perry... She's so big."
"Collin's in the pool with Jack and Denny."
"Wow!" she commented when she saw him. "He can swim!"
"Lois taught him."
She glanced around Clark to see the woman he'd mentioned sitting by the pool talking with Mayson. "Hi." She waved at her.
"Hi, Lana. Come have a drink," Lois said cheerfully, even if she really didn't feel cheery. Lana was a reminder of the past. Lois knew she wasn't to blame for her father's mistakes, but still...
"Be nice," Mayson whispered.
"I will." She cut her eyes at Mayson and they laughed.
The blonde haired woman sat up so that she was closer to Lois. "Why is it I don't bother you, but she does?"
"She doesn't... not for that reason. I see Lana, I think Paul. And we all know what Paul did." She shrugged and took a drink of her beer.
Lana and Clark talked for a moment before she glanced at Lois again. "She doesn't like me, does she?"
"She doesn't like your father," Clark told her honestly.
"Neither do I," she admitted.
"Come meet everyone." Clark wrapped his arm around her shoulders and led her over to introduce her to Jack, Jimmy, and Dan. Lana talked briefly with little Perry and Collin before settling at the table to talk with Jonathan. After a few moments, Dan announced it was time to eat. Clark was surprised when Lois sat next to Lana.
Dinner was a laughable, conversational affair. Presents were a hit, especially the new bike and the dollhouse.
"Clark, you did a wonderful job," Lois said of the dollhouse. She couldn't believe the detail he'd put into the house and the furniture. He hadn't let her see it before today, working on it nearly every night for the past two weeks.
"It's gorgeous," raved his mother. She'd made tiny curtains to Clark's specifications and even cushions for the furniture, but he hadn't let anyone see it until now. All of the adults were gathered around the table it was sitting on, in awe of the toy.
"I wike it, too, Daddy," Collin spoke up.
"Well, it just so happens..." Clark moved over to the other end of the table and uncovered another creation- a farm.
"Oh wow!" the boy yelled and jumped up and down.
"Oh, Clark," Lois gushed as she got a look at the other toy. It looked just like the Kent farm in Kansas, complete with barn, tractor, and animals. Again the adults all raved over his work.
"Think you could make a Daily Planet," Perry asked as he bent to peek through the window of the farmhouse.
Clark chuckled as he watched his family study his wood work.
"Daddy?" Perry asked as she tugged his shorts. "Do I get a new bike, too?"
She was hoisted into the air as he smiled at her. "Do you really want a new bike?"
She seemed to think about that for a minute. "Not really. I'd rather have a new doll."
"You mean one that might fit in this box?" Lois asked her as she held up a gift wrapped box.
Perry jumped up and down after Clark set her on her feet, then she opened the doll that was nearly as big as she was. There was also a brush so the little girl could spend hours playing with the baby's hair.
"Her's purdy," Collin told her as his fingers touched the new doll.
"Her name is Wois," Perry informed him.
"Hi, Wois," he said to the doll. "Want to go for a ride?" he asked Perry.
"Yes, please." She tucked her new doll under her arm and held Collin's hand as he led her to the wagon. When he was sure she and Wois were safely settled, he grabbed the handle and pulled them down the driveway.
"Don't go past the Elm tree," Lois called. "You need to fence in the driveway," Lois told Clark and smacked his chest, hard.
"Ow!" he said.
"Come on, CK, you didn't..." Jack stopped and stared at him. More precisely, his chest. "How did she do that?" Clark's chest had a bright red spot where Lois had hit him.
Clark rubbed the spot and shrugged. "She can get into my aura," Clark informed him. "Actually, she seems to be in it all the time."
"Kinda' like crawling under your skin? Your super skin?"
"She doesn't crawl," Clark told him. "She jumps in with both feet."
"I heard that," she called across the patio from where she'd gone to check on the twins.
"I think she has super powers, too," Jimmy said.
"Oh, she does," Clark let him know.
Lois cut her eyes back at him, a wide grin on her face. Maybe she'd see just how far she could get under that super skin later.
****
Lana was the last guest to leave, just after dark. She and Clark were standing on the patio talking when Lois came out of the house.
"Thank you, for not asking me to leave," Lana told Lois.
"I'll admit that I'd thought about declaring you an enemy by default, but you can't be held responsible for your father's actions."
"Thank you. That means a lot."
"I know, too, that you mean a lot to Clark." Lois smiled up at him, then moved closer to his side to wrap her arm around him, his automatically coming up to hold her. "So, I guess you mean a lot to me."
Lana's eyes widened. "Oh, wow! Really?" Her eyes flashed from one to the other.
"We're not living in sin or anything," Clark joked, but grunted when Lois elbowed him.
"We are... creating something wonderful," Lois corrected him.
"I like the sound of that... something wonderful. You certainly deserve it," she told Lois.
"Thank you." Lois accepted the hug the other woman offered, then looked up at Clark. "I'll read the story tonight."
He nodded and she went inside. "I'm glad you came," he told Lana.
"Me, too." She stepped forward and hugged Clark. "Take care of those babies," she said when she pulled away.
"I will. And call soon."
"I will." She turned and hurried down the driveway.
Clark made sure everything was cleaned up from the party and carefully transported the new dollhouse and farmhouse into the extra room upstairs. He and Lois had decided that the top floor was too far away for a playroom. So the extra bedroom was used as a guestroom and playroom, for now. When the house was secure, he took a quick shower. Toweling his hair as he exited the bathroom, he stopped and nearly passed out when his eyes fell on his bed. There, wrapped in his cape, was Lois. The towel he held slipped through his fingers to the floor as he stood in disbelief.
"What's-a-matter, Clark?" she asked in a whiny voice. "Cat got your tongue?"
"A minx has my cape," he managed as he closed the distance to the bed and sat down, facing her. "You gonna let me see what's under this?" he asked and lifted an edge of the material.
"Nothing," she replied.
He swallowed hard. "Nothing?"
"Not one thing... except me."
He stared at her, his body beginning to hum. "Are you...?" His eyes flashed down over the red cover. "Oh, God, I'm not sure I have that much patience," he whispered when his eyes met hers again.
"You don't need it," she told him softly.
His brows crawled upward. "What?"
Lois lifted her arm to rub his bare chest. "I think it's time to see if you feel as good as you look."
Clark laid his head back and took a deep breath. He was more than ready to see if she felt as good as she looked. But he wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't do anything she didn't want him to do. He took a deep breath and looked back down at her. His hand went up to cup her face. "Are you sure?"
"Clark, if we don't soon do something, I might blow up, too."
He gave a little snort. "I do that daily," he mumbled as he rolled over and stretched out beside her.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"For what? Lois, I've been right where I want to be." He was propped up on an elbow and he leaned over to kiss her softly. "Well, maybe not exactly where I want to be," he said huskily as he stared down at her.
"Is it okay that we leave the lights off?"
"I have super eyes," he reminded her as he lifted the cape lapped across her chest. He could see naked skin underneath and he smiled. "May I?" he asked, holding the material.
"Please," she replied.
He slowly pulled the red cover back and exposed the left side of her chest. She was the one to move the other side down. Clark's mouth covered hers as he slowly became acquainted with Lois more intimately. She moaned and deepened the kiss, causing him to melt further into their encounter. His lips moved from her mouth, down her neck, around to nibble on her ears.
Before she knew what was happening, his mouth was driving her wild. Though her body was tense and was trembling, she gave back as good as she got. When he became caught up in the moment and allowed his body to react, she became rigid, unresponsive.
Clark lifted his head to look at her. "I have to respond. It feels too good not to."
"I know," she said shakily. Her hand reached out to smooth over his chest, trying to give back some of the thrill he'd been giving her.
"Damn," Clark uttered as his eyes closed. Just the feel of her hot hand on his skin made him dizzy with desire. His own hand began to move, down to her stomach. She really was naked, he thought as his fingers made contact with even more skin. Opening his eyes again, he moved his gaze down, watching as he uncovered her completely. "Damn!" he said again.
"I'm way too small, aren't I?" she asked, a blush creeping over her face to be exposed to him fully.
"You're small, but you're gorgeous," he told her and leaned to kiss her again. His hand continued its journey, trying to touch her everywhere. He'd waited on this for so long; she felt incredible. "So nice," he breathed. And nearly enough to make him delirious with pleasure. His entire body felt like it was on fire. He pulled away and rolled onto his back, heaving to catch his breath and give himself a bit of a reprieve.
Lois leaned over to look down at him. "Too much?"
"Way too much?" he whispered, refusing to open his eyes. "And not nearly enough," he went on when he was able to look at her.
Her lips came down on his, her hand moving over his arm, across his stomach. She moved her head up so she could look at him while her palm soaked in the feel of his silky skin. The air hissed through Clark's teeth as his right hand gripped the sheets. She hesitated momentarily, having never touched him quite so intimately. She'd seen him in nothing but his underwear, but touching was completely different.
And completely scary.
Completely exciting.
Was every part of this man perfectly sculpted? Suddenly she wanted to see him. She rolled over to flip the lamp on. His eyes were studying her as she turned back to him.
"Take these off," she said softly, tugging his briefs.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah." She moved back enough for him to strip. She noticed that he was trembling nearly as much as she was. Slowly and deliberately she ran her eyes over his body. "Clark," she breathed. "You're beautiful."
"So are you," he said and reached over to grasp her face while he kissed her. When she moved closer, he drew her back to look at her. "Baby, you're shaking."
"Yeah," was all she said as she kissed his neck.
"Maybe we should stop," he said when her shaking increased.
"Uh uh," she said as she bit her bottom lip.
"We should at least stop long enough for me to take precautions." He grinned at her, but sucked in a deep breath as her lips touched his skin again.
She nibbled near his ear before looking at him. "I saw a doctor a while back, in case this moment came earlier rather than later. And just so you know, she ran every test known to man. I'm perfectly healthy. Too thin, but all of my organs are working fine. No permanent damage. I can even still have children, hence my need to take the pill."
He smoothed a hand over her back to sooth her a bit. Her trembling was driving him wild. "I can still wear a condom if you want me to." When her brows furrowed, he shrugged. "I thought maybe you'd feel better if I kept certain things to myself. You know, the whole... invasion thing. And damn, that came out wrong."
Lois kissed him quiet. "That's thoughtful, but really, Clark, I need you."
"Then why are you shaking so much?"
"I'm scared. The last time I was this close to a man..."
His finger covered her lips. "Not tonight, baby. I wish I could just lay here and let you do this so you'll be comfortable, but I *have* to touch you." And he moved his hands down her back, over her hips.
"Can you stay on your back?"
"Oh yeah," he said with a grin.
"Clark," she whined and leaned forward to kiss his neck. "Hold me." His arms wrapped around her back and he held her close, allowing her the time she needed to become comfortable with him.
"Oh, God, Lois," he breathed. Just having her lie in his arms was threatening to dissolve his control
"What would you do if this is all I wanted to do?"
"I'd soon be asleep. Because you are driving me to the edge of my limits in a hurry." His hands smoothed down her back again, relishing in the fact that she'd placed so much trust in him.
Suddenly she wasn't content being still any longer, causing the breath to hiss from Clark's body again.
"You okay?" he managed to ask her after a moment.
She nodded determinedly, even as the first tears slipped from her eyes. A sob escaped her lips and he grasped her sides.
"Stop, baby."
"No!"
She was determined to do this, to face her demons and there was no way he'd stop her. Clark wrapped his arms around her, holding her as she struggled through her fear. His hands moved up so that he could hold her face and he kissed her, softly at first, then more insistently. He was gentle and deliberate, distracting her from her apprehension. Slowly it worked. She began to kiss him back. He nearly shouted when she seemed to get lost in their haze.
Gorgeous, glowing, and amazing. That was all he could think as he looked at this woman. She'd been through so much, overcome so many demons. And she loved him... both emotionally and physically.
But there was no afterglow. She rolled to her opposite side, held herself drawn up in a ball, and began to softly cry again.
"Ah, baby, don't," Clark told her as he rolled over and held her. His hand smoothed her cheek, wiping away the tears. "Did I hurt you?"
"No!" She turned to look at him. "Clark, that was fantastic."
"Better than fantastic," he said with a smile. "You are amazing."
"I don't mean to cry," she said as more tears slipped from her eyes.
"Hush, baby. I understand." His fingers skimmed her cheek and he kissed her. "I love you."
"I love you." She managed to smile, feeling better by the second. Clark was slowly replacing every bad memory she had. "Do you feel better?"
"Oh, I feel incredible."
"Want to do it again?"
"And again and again," he said as he nibbled her neck. "But we don't have to do it tonight."
"We don't *have* to do it at all." She grinned at his horrified expression. She reached out to grasp his neck and tugged, pulling him closer. The first time had proven that she could do this, that she could love Clark the way he deserved to be loved. This- she wanted this time to be for him. Her gift to him. "Make love to me, Clark," she told him.
By the sound he made, she would have thought him in pain... only she knew better. It meant a lot to him for her to say those words, to allow him this. It meant a lot to her. She'd wanted him for so long and now she was ready. Her body didn't shake this time, it trembled in excitement. The fear was being replaced with total and complete trust.
In her haze, she opened her eyes to stare at the man she loved. Clark was the one shaking now.
"Clark?"
"That was..." He kissed her again, then rolled so that he was holding her close to his chest. "I had no idea sex could be that good."
"This from the man who's had sex on the ceiling," she said with laughter in her voice.
"Baby, I just crossed another plane of existence." His hand smoothed over her back. "Wow!"
"It was pretty good, huh?"
"Better than good," Clark corrected her. "I feel like I just came home for the first time," he told her after he realized exactly how he felt.
"Like you've found your other half?"
"Like I've found my other half," he agreed, pulling her closer. They lay there in silence for a long while before he sighed in complete contentment.
"Happy?"
"Very," he said. They held one another and drifted to sleep, smiles on their faces. Sometime during the night, Clark covered them up when Lois became chilled. When she snuggled closer, the grin returned to his face. Of course, now he was probably going to have a permanent smile.
****
She was watching him. He could feel her eyes on him long before he woke up. Finally he forced his lids up and her large, expressive brown orbs were staring at him.
"Hi," she said softly.
"Hi," he replied, lifting his hand to play with her hair. "Sleep well?"
"Better than I have in a long time," she told him.
"What's wrong?" He knew there was something on her mind.
"Nothing. I was just looking at you." Her hand smoothed over the side of his face. "Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are?"
He smiled at her. "I'm afraid I'm not exactly my type."
"I hope not. That would be *too* kinky."
Laughing softly, he shifted her so that he could reposition her leg over his body.
"Will you move into my room with me?" she asked him. "I'd move in here, but the other room is bigger. And it has that nice closet."
"You want to share a room?"
"Well, duh. We can't have sex all the time if you're way over here." She said it as if the answer was perfectly obvious. But she smiled at him.
"Should we move my bed or use yours?"
"Let's go pick out a new one. Or you could make us one? You did such a great job on those toys."
"Wait until you see the desk I'm making for the office."
"I saw the plans, but it's always hard to picture the real thing until you see it. I was thinking you could make the furniture for the dining room, too." They still hadn't put furniture in that room. They'd looked at a ton of different styles and designs, but nothing had appealed to them both.
"Sure." His eyes shifted to where his hand was playing in her hair. "Your hair is amazing," he said absently.
"Don't say that. I was thinking about getting it cut."
His eyes went back to hers. "Please don't. Not right now."
"Then you wash it and brush it."
"I will if you'll keep it a little longer."
"You would, too," she said as she shifted completely on top of him, causing him to grunt.
"Lois," he whispered, grasping her hips.
"What?" she asked innocently, knowing perfectly well her position was compromising his resolve.
"That feels..." he whispered as she kissed his neck.
"How about this?" She moved around to the other side, sucking a lobe into her mouth.
"My God," he breathed and titled his head to give her better access. So lost in his euphoria, he failed to notice that something wasn't quite right. It wasn't until what she was doing went from sensual to frantic that he refocused on the woman above him. Her expression was fierce, determined. Her fingers were digging into his chest and she was crying. "Lois," he said softly. She didn't stop. Clark's pleasure was quickly becoming discomfort because her fingers were clawing. He seriously needed to figure out how she was able to get inside his aura like this. Finally deciding enough was enough, he sat up and wrapped his arms around her. "Stop!" he said with a bit of force. "Whatever this is, we'll figure it out."
Her body sagged against his and she pushed her hands around to hold him, her crying becoming sobs. "I don't know what this is," she admitted when she'd calmed a bit.
"I know," he told her, holding the back of her head. She was so emotionally spent it was a miracle they'd made love at all the night before. He knew the main reason she'd probably done it was to prove she could, and while part of him felt ashamed of himself for taking advantage, another part was relieved. Living with Lois was torture at times. She kept him constantly excited. He was also a bit hurt that she'd used him that way. And yet, he couldn't have denied her either. She'd needed to do this. If not now, at some point and time. Since he was completely in love with her, he was the only one she was going to do this with.
"I'm sorry," she said after a few moments.
"I'm not," he said and meant it. They continued to sit there in silence, Clark stroking her back and head, offering her the comfort she needed. And the comfort he needed.
"Clark?" she asked a while later.
"Hmm?" They'd woven a spell around themselves and he didn't want to disturb it.
"Will you still move in the room with me?"
"I will," he assured her.
"Can we still have sex?" She leaned back to look at him. "Not now, but sometimes."
"Lois," he said and moved his hand around to cup her cheek. "We can have sex any time."
She smiled and kissed him softly. When she drew away, she shifted to get up. "Want to take a shower with me?"
"Are you ready for that?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked, pausing just before she pushed off the bed.
"The light will be on," he told her.
Her eyes bore into his, an expression that seemed to explain what she couldn't with words. She needed to do this, needed to see for herself that Clark was Clark, and he was never going to hurt her. "I think I want to see your package."
Clark shook his head with a grin as she hurried into his bathroom. He threw the cover back and followed her in. How in hell was he going to be able to stand taking a shower with this woman? Naked, dry Lois was one thing. Naked, *wet* Lois was another. Seeing her in the pool was enough to send him to the Arctic for an ice bath.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the shower. Her back was to him, thank goodness. He smoothed his hands over her skin. He could see the scars she'd mentioned. His eyes flashed down. The other scar was high on her left cheek. His hand went down, his fingers tracing the outline the ugly mark made.
Lois held her arms up close to her chest as he moved his hands over her back and bottom. He was looking at her scars, no doubt brooding because she'd suffered. She loved that about Clark- that he cared so much. "Not very pretty, are they?"
"Why in hell did he feel he had to do this?" Clark asked aloud, more to himself than her.
She turned around to face him, but gasped when her eyes swept across his chest. "Oh, God," she breathed, her hands going up to touch him. "I'm so sorry."
He bent his head to see the marks she was referring to. "It's okay, Lois. They'll be gone in a few minutes. They've already started to fade."
"This makes me no better than Lex," she spat.
"Stop it," he insisted. "Don't bring him into this."
"He's already in this! He is this!" she snapped, her eyes flashing wildly as they met his.
"No." Clark grasped her shoulders. "He only has a place if you continue to give him one."
"He has a place because he took it," she hissed.
"He has a place because you give it to him," Clark barked back his insistence.
"Yeah, I give it to him." She stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. "I'll finish my shower in my room."
"Lois, wait," Clark said as he stepped out on the rug.
"Why? So you can tell me next that I gave it to him then, too?" she asked as she whirled around to face him.
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
"You were the one who started this, studying my scars. *You* asked why he'd done it."
"Are you always so damned literal?"
"Are you always so damned infuriating?"
"Infuriating? Lady, you give new meaning to the word." He snorted unhumorously and threw up his hands. "Why do I even bother?" He turned and stepped back in the shower. Before he could close the door, her hand flew up to stop it.
"Yeah, why do you bother? Of course, you don't have to anymore. You got what you wanted last night."
Clark's expression was surely as shocked as he felt. "Is that what you think?"
"I think I'm too tired to keep trying to pacify you because you get bent out of shape over my emotional instability. Sorry you can't handle the fact that I was raped, over and over. Sorry I haven't quite recovered from that because the mighty Superman has been my friend."
"It's not me who can't handle this. You're the one who has to remind me constantly. Lois, I'm sorry you were raped. I also know it, too well. You don't have to remind me. And I know you're not over it. I didn't ask you to let it go or forget it happened. Excuse me for wanting to take a shower with the woman I love and asking her to leave her rapist where he belongs- in that prison he's going to die in." He made a move to turn toward the shower spray, but looked back at her. "Superman has never been your friend. *I* have."
"Yeah, well, maybe that should change." She slammed the door closed and stormed from the room.
Clark sighed heavily and finished his shower. He dressed slowly in jeans and a tee shirt. He was off today and had planned on working around the house. He went to check on the twins, who should be waking up by now, but a note on their door told him they were gone with Martha shopping. That was probably best, he thought as he glanced at Lois' closed door. He made his way downstairs and prepared the coffee machine. He needed a strong cup this morning.
Could he keep doing this? Lois was so volatile, going off when he least expected, about things that really didn't make much sense to him. He was sure it didn't make sense to her either, but she was so confused still. After all this time, she wasn't much better than when they'd first met. He couldn't imagine how unstable she'd been when she first went to prison. Had they treated her for depression? More than anything she was still very depressed. She needed to speak with someone a bit more qualified to help her than he was.
Lois walked into the kitchen a while later, clearly as agitated as she'd been upstairs. Clark was sitting at the table with his laptop. Before he could close down the page he was on, she saw it. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," he lied and closed his computer.
"You're not a good liar."
"Among other things," he mumbled as he stood up.
"Why were you looking at files on me?"
"I wanted to know if you had any treatment in prison."
"So, now you think I'm a quack?"
"No. I just think you're having a hard time healing."
"Are you a doctor now, too?"
He sighed and looked at her. "Lois, why are you mad? Right now? Why are you so mad?"
"Because you're an ass!"
"Why am I an ass? Because I asked you not to bring Luthor into our intimate moments? I asked last night and it didn't tick you off enough to stop making love to me."
"Go to hell, Clark." She turned and snatched open a cabinet.
"See? Off and running again. But I've noticed that you only do this with me. I'm not a rug you can wipe your feet on when you get upset. I have feelings, too, Lois. How do you think I feel when you blow up and I have no idea why? How do you think I felt when you cried after we made love last night? My heart was breaking, but I can't tell you that because I have to be strong for you. When is somebody gonna be strong for me?"
"Oh, poor baby," she said sarcastically when she turned around. "What the hell are you whining about? You got your fancy tickled!"
Clark looked at her, not recognizing the woman before him at all. She was deliberately picking a fight and he didn't know why. Right now he didn't care either. That last statement had cut to the core. "And since it was the first and last time, I'm glad I enjoyed it," he said with a deadpan tone.
"Typical male response," she snorted out.
"I'm not your typical male," he informed her as he dumped the rest of his coffee in the sink.
"Why? Because you didn't push me to have sex sooner?" He sighed in frustration, but didn't turn around. "It wasn't exactly like you were deprived or anything. I can see why you don't keep girlfriends long now." She opened the fridge to look in. "Who wants a man who would rather spend time alone than sleep with her?"
Clark saw red. He took several deep breaths to calm himself, then turned to walk over to her. He reached out to spread his hand on the door of the fridge and slammed it closed. "At least when I'm alone I don't have to hear all this yapping!"
The sound of his voice, the look in his eyes- it was enough to cause Lois to take a step back. Her eyes were wide, disbelieving.
"I've tried. I really have," Clark went on, his voice still harsh, his expression still thunderous. "I've eaten more crow than I think I should have so you could have time to heal. But dammit, Lois, I can't do this anymore. I know couples disagree and I'll be the first to tell you that a good fight can solve more problems than ignoring each other. But this is ridiculous. I never know where I stand with you when you get angry like this. If we were fighting over something I've done, I'd argue all day. But I can't... I won't pay for another man's sins. Lex Luthor did unspeakable things to you. I know that. I know that nearly killed you. I know you must have wanted to die. You didn't though. You survived. You walked away. But you'll never beat him if you keep giving him control." Clark took a deep breath, holding his head back to help him regain control. He'd gotten entirely too angry. "I knew the first time you were intimate again would be tough for you. Maybe even the first few times. But at some point you owe it to your lover to go to his bed alone. Without Luthor." He took a step toward her and was glad when she didn't back away. "I know it might be years before you actually make love and not see him when you close your eyes, but if you open up your heart and believe in the trust you've built into your relationship, one day it'll only be you there when you slip between the covers. And that man you finally give yourself to completely will be the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth."
"That man? You say that like it won't be you."
Clark looked away from her, his eyes filling with tears. "I want it to be," he said when he looked at her again. "But right now, it's not. There's too many of us in this relationship."
"So that crap you spouted about being without me was a line?"
"No. I want you with every fiber in my being. But I want *you* and only you."
"You knew coming into this that I had baggage," she said in defense.
"Baggage is one thing. This anger, this bitterness- Lois, please. If you love me, go see somebody. Get well. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to the twins to be healthy."
"I owe it to you?"
"You owe me nothing. I just don't want to keep going in this circle and wake up one day wondering why we did this for so long."
"You don't want to wake up and regret wasting your life with me," she said as tears blurred her vision.
"I don't want to wake up and find that you've had a complete breakdown. Or worse," he whispered.
Lois looked away from him, the first rational thoughts she'd had all morning beginning to penetrate her armor. He was right. She didn't want him to be, but he was. She still felt like she was going crazy some days. Those were the days when the least little things could set her off. Days like today, when she argued and said hurtful things and wasn't even sure why she'd been angry in the first place. One thing set her off, then everything after that seemed to tick her off.
"For all you fight and claw, I've seen a glimpse of what's lying under that bravado." Clark stepped close enough to reach out and rub her cheek with the backs of his knuckles. "I want to see that fire unleashed."
"I'm not that person anymore."
"You probably never will be who you once were, but you can be strong and passionate and intense again." He moved until his body was touching hers and bent his face to kiss the side of her head. "You can be incredible," he whispered. "If you'd just believe it."
He didn't try to touch her, just stood there giving her the opportunity to come to him. She leaned her forehead over on his chest. When she pushed her arms around his neck, he enclosed her in his strong embrace. She didn't cry this time. He suspected she was nearly cried out.
Lois turned her face into his neck and inhaled. "I love you. I do love you... so much," she told him.
"And you deserve to love and be loved," he told her as his large hands held her, smoothing her sides and back. "You deserve happiness." Clark kissed her shoulder. "You deserve to have a lover and friend. I want to be that lover, Lois. I want to be the best friend you've ever had. You just have to let me."
"It's time, Clark. I'll see somebody."
He squeezed tighter, lifting her from the floor as he straightened up. He walked with her in his arms toward the den, causing her to giggle. Releasing her so he could sit down, he tugged her hand, asking her to sit on his lap. She did and he held her close. It was nearly an hour later before she eased off his lap and went to make a call she'd been trying to avoid.
