Employing relaxation techniques learned during a difficult lifetime, LL stood poised to knock at the door of the quarters where the four doppelgangers had taken up residence. She didn't want to be here. She most definitely did not want to be here – yet here she was, and soon she would be dealing with not only her doppelgangers but Kal-El's as well. She heaved a sigh and mentally cursed Zara for leading her down this path. Then again, now, as before, Zara's logic had been infallible.
Hours earlier, LL had been hiding in her office, trying to convince herself that she did not need to engage in telepathic communion with Kal-El in order to trust him enough to bring him fully into the mission. He had been awake for weeks now, and she had avoided him this entire time. The Kryptonian resistance members had interacted with him telepathically many times and had reported back to her that they believed him to be genuine in his desire to free Earth, but the only one who's opinion truly resonated with LL was Zara. Zara believed Kal-El was on their side and while LL wanted to be convinced, she knew she had to find out for herself. Zara herself had said so when she had come, uninvited in, and argued her point with LL, trusting that LL would see her insistence as kindly meant and not the actions of a would-be alien overlord.
LL shuddered. How could she submit to this? Wouldn't it be rape all over again? She exhaled. She knew that the pain the clone had caused her over a mental link had been nothing to the physical pain, but the idea of linking with Kal-El gave her the same feeling of sick dread that she always felt when she had been his clone's prisoner.
It was then that Zara had made the tentative suggestion: Maybe Lois would consent. Maybe because Lois had already opened her mind to both the Clarks she might not find communing with Kal-El so repellent. Zara had made it clear that she wasn't suggesting anyone bully or pressure Lois into such a decision – but she felt they should at least ask for her to do it willingly.
And now, LL stood in front of Lois's door feeling a mix of fear, dread, guilt, shame – things she hadn't allowed herself to truly feel since being liberated. She pushed her fear of facing the two Clarks to the back of her awareness. How angry would they be at her for even daring to ask Lois to do this? And if they were, could she face that?
Angry and impatient with her fears, LL lifted her hand and rang the buzzer.
To her great relief, Lois had been the one to open the door. The others weren't in sight. LL would have been willing to bet that they were all hiding, giving her space to speak with the one they knew she wanted to speak with. They weren't stupid after all.
“You want me to go see him, don't you,” Lois said, sparing her the need of asking after she had entered the room and the door had been closed behind her.
She wanted to ask her doppelgänger how she'd known, but figured it was moot. Lois was a smart woman and she was also LL's doppelganger. It was no surprise she could read her so well.
“This is merely a request,” she responded cooly, showing no fear at all. “I wouldn't push you to do anything you didn't want to do.”
“I don't want to do it,” Lois said, her voice just as cool and her gaze just as rigidly even. “The very thought of it,” she shuddered. “And before you ask about why this is different – it just is. “
LL nodded. Of course it was different. As much as she wanted to hate the two Clarks, she knew that they were very different in the ways that mattered. They were as human as she was – or at least, as she had once been, regardless of their alien physiology. They were more human than she was now. She beat back her feelings about that. Resentment and fury had no place in these dealings. Focus.
“But you will anyway,” she finished softly, seeing the truth in the other woman's eyes. “Because you want to know. You want this mission to be over. You want it to succeed. You want to go home.”
“Yes.” Lois paused a moment. “And.. I understand why you want to avoid this,” she continued, her gaze like a steel drill into LL's own reluctant one. “You're afraid. And don't bother. Because I know. Because I am too.”
LL nodded after a brief pause. This was the longest and more direct conversation she had carried on with this woman – a woman who she had allowed to suffer in her stead for fear of bringing pain upon her own head. A woman that she was deeply bound to by debt of suffering. The very least she owed her was some modicum of honesty and trust.
“I am,” she agreed softly. “How can you even imagine doing this?” As she said these words, LL was amazed that she would allow herself to show vulnerability. She had only allowed this with Zara up until now.
“It helps,” Lois said, tilting her head towards the closed door.
LL nodded, trying not to show any distaste.
“I don't … like telepathy. Neither do they,” she added on, to make sure that LL knew that Clark had never forced it on her. “Ah. My Clark didn't know he could even do that until I came into his life. I was sending to him inadvertently. The other Clark found out when the other Kryptonians arrived-”
LL shuddered. She couldn't and wouldn't think about that world and those other Kryptonians.
“Thank you Lois,” she offered.
“Lois, you will have to do this eventually. I think you know that.”
LL froze at the other woman's words.
“You know that even my opinion or that of the other Lois – neither of these will be enough to convince you. You will have to know for yourself.”
“I can't,” she whispered, shaking her head, appalled now that she was losing control.
The other woman gripped her shoulders tightly and LL had to fight from pulling away. She hated being touched.
“You will.”
