I'd like to send a special thanks to Morgana for the beta help and especially for saying "You can't have Lois acting that way!" and thereby triggering the complete re-write of and vastly improving chapter 8.
As always I also have to thank The Fabulous Beverly mostly for inspiration but also for beta assistance.
And finally, and most importantly, I have to thank Queen of the Capes for the story inspired all that's here.
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Identity
Chapter 8 – Perspective
Clark had never been in this place before. There was a stark beauty to the area, but he never realized before how nice quiet could be. It was too bad it didn’t appear that he could freeze to death. That would probably be best for everyone.
As near as he could tell, he was a few hundred miles from the South Pole. The Antarctic summer meant that he wasn’t sitting in the dark, but that wasn’t the point. When he’d fled the hospital with Lois’s voice echoing behind him, he’d wanted to get as far away from everyone as he possibly could. He’d succeeded in that, but he’d failed to get away from himself.
He’d been wrong in the worst possible way. He’d hoped that what Lo had told him about her feelings before Revenge had been true. But now, that had been exposed for the fantasy that he’d always feared. Lois, the one person that he’d ever met that he most wanted to like him, was going to hate him forever.
He’d let his parents down. He’d let himself down. But worst of all, he’d let her down.
What were his parents going to say? When he’d taken Lo to Smallville for Christmas, it had been so great. His mom had loved being able to talk with her about him. Really talk, not just the parts that everyone else knew about. Both of his parents knew that he and Lo had started their relationship with the cloud of Miranda’s Revenge over them. But Lo had convinced them of how she felt as thoroughly as she’d convinced him.
He’d lost track of how long he’d been here. When you’re at the South Pole, you can’t exactly use the sun to tell the time. At least, you can’t if you don’t know how to interpret the sun’s position against the landscape. If he’d thought about it, he should have brought a watch. Then again, it would certainly have frozen.
Still, it had been long enough. He had to be ready when Lois came looking for a reckoning. After what he’d done, he owed her whatever price she deemed necessary. She already had Superman’s secret identity. He hoped that for his parent’s sake, she would keep that secret. But that secret, along with as full and complete interview as he could grant, would almost certainly get Lois that Pulitzer that she wanted.
It was time to start getting his affairs in order. He took off and headed north. In less than a minute he’d found his bearings and another few seconds later he was landing in Smallville. It was still dark and not even the other local farmers were awake yet to see Superman landing at the Kent farm. Clark retrieved the spare key and let himself in. The kitchen clock told him that it was 5:00 a.m. Good, he could wake up his parents and it would only be slightly earlier than normal.
He went upstairs to their room and knocked lightly on the doorframe. “Mom, Dad, it’s Clark.”
He heard his dad’s voice. “Clark, what are you doing here at this time of the night?”
“Hi, Dad. I need to talk to you and mom. Could you please get dressed and meet me in the kitchen.”
“Sure, son. Give us a minute and we’ll be right down.”
Clark took advantage of the delay to change and look around his old room. Lois had slept here during that story where Bureau 39 was digging up the Irig farm. Clark’s eyes lingered on the double bed that had replaced the single that Lois had used that first visit. When he and Lo had spent those days here at Christmas, the single bed was simply too small. Clark felt himself choking up and sensed the tears starting to flow again. He was going to miss her so much.
By the time his parents came down, Clark had regained some of the composure that he’d lost in his room. Martha came right over and put her hand on his shoulder. “Clark, what’s wrong?”
“Lois got the anti-Revenge treatment. Lo’s gone.”
“What?!” Martha exclaimed. “I can’t believe she lost that competency hearing. What do they use for rights in Metropolis?”
“She didn’t lose. But the trial showed her the parts of Lois’s life that she’d lost. Then there was this woman. She was just like Lois in that Revenge had kept working on her. She told the story of how she hated the man she’d been with, and how it ruined her life. That part scared me and I think my fear drove Lo to get the antidote.”
“Can you back up a little and tell us exactly what happened?” Jonathan asked.
Clark sighed heavily and sat down. “I’d say that her decision was because of the testimony of just two people. There was that girl that I just told you about and Perry. The other lawyer asked Perry all about how Lo was as a reporter compared to Lois. He got Perry to admit that she’d lost much of what made her great. Perry ended up admitting that she’d lost the fire that she’d had before Revenge. I think that got to her nearly as much as my reaction to the girl. After the lunch break, Lois volunteered to get the treatment to reverse Revenge.”
“I know that you wanted her to get the treatment all along,” Martha said. “You’re clearly upset, so there must be more than you’ve said so far.”
“We… I always hoped that Lois’s recovery would be a good thing. I hoped she’d be happy about our relationship. But… well, I went back to the hospital later yesterday evening to see her. When I got there, the Lo part of her seemed to be completely gone. And Lois… she was very angry. When she saw me she said… she said that I’d betrayed her. She said that she’ll hate me forever. I can’t get her voice out of my head.”
“Surely she didn’t mean it that way,” Martha offered. “We talked a lot over Christmas. I was worried that what you and Lois were doing was a mistake. But she talked all about how she’d viewed you before the Revenge. I’m sure that she really cared for you, and it wasn’t just the drug.”
“That’s what I thought… what I hoped,” Clark said. He paused for a moment. “That girl at the trial who I mentioned a moment ago, her name was Samantha, well after she was cured of Revenge she regretted everything she’d done. And she hated the guy she’d been in love with during that time. From what I saw in the hospital last night, it looks like Lois is going to be the same way.”
“What are you going to do?” his dad asked.
“Go back to Metropolis and face her.”
~~ *** ~~
It was 6:45 a.m. when the elevator door opened providing Clark entry to the Daily Planet bullpen. There was some activity, but nothing like it would be in another hour or so. Given that Lois would be home today, Clark had to wonder if this was the last time he’d ever stand here. He already knew that he was going to offer to quit the Planet and leave Metropolis, if that was what Lois wanted. Given what had happened, she wouldn’t want to continue working with him.
A clacking of heels drew his attention. “Cat? What are you doing here this early?”
She looked up and smiled. “Clark, you know me better than that. You should have asked why I’m in the office so late. I had a long night and it’s only just ending.”
That brought the first hint of a smile to Clark’s face since he’d seen Lois in the hospital. “Sorry, I should have known.”
“No worries,” she replied. “Where’s Lo-Lo? I didn’t see either of you after that court travesty her mom forced on her. I have a lead on that post office call girl ring that she and I were working on.”
“Lo… Lois is at the hospital. She decided to get the Revenge antidote.”
Cat had been standing next to her chair. At this news she dropped into it heavily. “Why?” she asked in disbelief.
“Stuff that came up in court,” Clark answered. “I’d rather not talk about it. Lois got the treatment last night, and based on what I saw afterwards, Lo is gone.”
“What you saw afterwards?” Cat asked.
“I saw Lois in the hospital. I was looking through a window in the door to her room. She was very angry… at me. When she saw me she… she started yelling. She… wasn’t happy.”
Cat reached over and took his hand in a comforting gesture. “I’m so sorry. Lo-Lo really loved you. She’d matured so much in these weeks. I was beginning to think that Lois was right there with her. Except for Lo-Lo being so cheerful and nice, I swear that I was working with Lois. Based on everything I saw, I would have sworn that even if the old Lois came back, you two would remain together.”
“Thanks, Cat. But that’s not how it worked out.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“I need to talk with Perry. Based on what Lois wants, I might not be around anymore.”
Cat looked like she wanted to say something but ended up merely nodding. He gave her hand a quick squeeze before heading for Perry’s office.
Perry’s presence this early came as no surprise. Clark knocked lightly and Perry motioned him to come in. “Did Lois talk to you yesterday afternoon?” Clark asked, as soon as he was in the office.
“Yes. I’m not sure what to think of it. I know that Lo didn’t want to take the antidote. But to tell the truth, I wasn’t that shocked that she decided to go ahead either. I thought that the two of you would be in together after she got out of the hospital.”
“That was the plan. But based on her reaction to seeing me last night after the treatment, I think it would be best if someone else picked her up.”
“What happened,” Perry asked.
“Lois… well, she doesn’t seem to be happy with the way our relationship changed while she was under the influence of Revenge.”
“You knew that was a possibility right from the first,” Perry reminded him.
“Yes. And I won’t duck the consequences. But for this morning, I think you’re the right person to get her from the hospital if you can get away.”
Perry took a moment before he responded. “Do you know what this is about,” Perry asked, holding the two envelopes that Lo had carried into the Planet yesterday.
“No,” Clark replied. “I thought it might be an assignment. All I know is that she wanted to drop it off before we went to the hospital.”
“I don’t know what it is either,” Perry admitted. “There’s a small envelope for me to open after she’s out of the hospital. I guess it contains instructions for what to do with the larger envelope.”
“It’s almost like Lo gave you her will,” Clark speculated morosely.
“Son, I know this hurts, and I’m sorry, but we both knew that if there was any way to give Lois her life back, you had to give her that chance.” They were both quiet for a moment until Perry finally asked, “What time should I pick her up?”
“Nine this morning,” Clark answered,
Perry checked his watch. “I’ll be there. She’s at Memorial General?”
“Yes. And thanks Chief. I’ll be cleaning up here and I’ll be in my apartment if Lois want’s to find… or avoid me. I don’t want to make a scene here.”
“You’ll be cleaning up?” Perry asked.
“I have to assume that she’s going to ask me to leave. I need to get my ongoing stories ready for you to reassign.”
“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” Perry offered.
“You didn’t see her.”
~~ *** ~~
It was after 9:30. Where was Lois? The waiting now was something of a change of pace for his morning. He’d been using his super speed rather freely until just a few minutes ago. He’d had to be careful – using it there in the office – but it had come in handy for categorizing his working notes. There were now five clearly marked piles on the top of his desk. Each pile had a cover sheet detailing the state of that investigation. He’d also included notes on what he believed to be the remaining steps to bring each investigation to fruition.
Here at home, he’d used that speed to make sure the apartment was as clean as he could make it for Lois. Being here was really the hardest part. After living here for all these weeks, her scent permeated the place. In the past, Clark had always loved the fact that even when she wasn’t home, just walking in the door reminded him of their life together. This morning, all it did was remind him of those last words, “I’ll hate you forever.”
He glanced toward the entryway. There were three large suitcases packed and ready to go. Lo had insisted on giving up her apartment just before they’d learned of the Revenge antidote, so all her stuff was here or in storage. She’d need a place to live, and he was clearly not going to be part of that. The suitcases were there as a visible olive branch. He was abandoning his apartment to her and moving out and on.
Despite the waiting, Clark was startled just a bit when he heard a key slide into the lock. The door opened and there she was. He stood as she started walking slowly across the room toward her. “Lois, I’m sorry that it’s come to this,” he offered.
“What,” she said, apparently confused.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he said. And then his words kept rolling out. “I really did think you wanted us to be in a relationship. You were so convincing. I should have known better but I…”
By the time he’d run out of words, he was standing right in front of her. Then without warning, she dropped her bag, lunged at him and threw her arms around him. He was so in shock that his own arms just hung at his side.
“Clark, I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice heavy with emotion.
Now it was his turn to be confused. “What?” he asked.
She broke the hug and pushed back a bit. Her hands were still there on his shoulders and she didn't seem upset. "I don't hate you," she said seriously.
He knew that should make him feel better, and to some extent it did, but his confusion was getting in the way. "But last night in the hospital..."
“You didn’t see what you thought you did,” she said abruptly.
“But you said...” he stuttered. "And I heard you yelling as I was leaving the hospital."
Lois let out a long sigh. “Do you know why Dr. Jensen told you to stay away?”
“I figured it was to try to avoid something like what happened. We both heard Samantha. Once she was clear of Revenge, she hated the man she’d been seeing. I figured that the doctor wanted to be able to talk to you first and find out if you wanted to see me.”
“That was part of it, but there was something else." She paused and looked around for a second. "Can we sit down? I have a feeling that we have a lot to talk about."
She didn't wait for his reply. She picked up her overnight bag and headed for the chair in the main living area. As soon as Lois sat down, she pulled an envelope out of her overnight bag and put it on the coffee table.
"What's that?" Clark asked as he sat down on the sofa across from her.
"Those are the lab results showing that I'm free of Revenge and my brain is back working normally."
"Oh," was all Clark could think to say.
"You never got briefed on the details of how the Revenge cure worked, did you?” Lois asked.
"No. We... Wait, how's your memory? Do you remember the time you were under the influence of Revenge?"
"I remember everything," she replied.
“Then you must remember that we never wanted to look into it.”
“Yes, I remember," she answered. "Dr. Jensen insisted on briefing me yesterday before she gave me the antidote. Her team found a chemical mixture that affects the amygdala in the opposite way as Revenge. It stimulates the anger and rage centers. They found that after a few hours of that imbalance, the amygdala went back to normal. The excessive rage also caused the ACC to have to work extra hard to clamp down on the processing of that rage. That seemed to bring it back to normal as well. Do you understand what that means?”
“Not really,” Clark replied half-heartedly.
“It means that during the treatment, a person is going to be angry. It also means that person is no more responsible for what they say or do than a person would be during an initial exposure to Revenge.”
Not responsible for what they say… Maybe there was still a chance for them. "So you really don't hate me?"
She smiled. "No. I'm not sure it's possible for me to hate you. Not with all my memories intact."
“After what I heard last night in the hospital, I was sure you were going to have the same reaction as Samantha,” Clark commented.
"I should have told you this part yesterday.” Lois said, as she shook her head. "Remember when I told my mom that I’d talked to Samantha during the lunch break?" She paused long enough for Clark to nod. "Well, it turned out that her situation was not as much like ours as it looked. She’d never had a real relationship with that guy. And he really was taking advantage of her. The problem wasn’t just Revenge. The problem was that the guy was a slime ball and the Revenge kept her from seeing it. Once I talked to her, and heard the rest of the story, I decided to go for it. I knew how careful of my feelings you’d been all along. And I feared that we'd never be able to get anywhere in our relationship with Revenge in the way.”
Those words, combined with her genuine smile, finally broke the tension he'd been feeling. He felt a wave of relief followed closely by a wave of fatigue as he released the stress he'd been holding in. It was really true that Lois didn't hate him. Whatever followed now, that fact was the most important. However, just because she didn't hate him, didn't mean that she wanted to continue their relationship. "I'm glad," he said finally. "I couldn't bear you hating me. I'm also glad that you have your memories. I was scared to death that you'd be one of those people who lost their memory of their time on Revenge. I think that would have been almost as bad as if you had ended up ha... mad at me.”
“I had a plan,” she replied. “Perry told you about that envelope I gave him?”
“Sure, he asked me about it this morning.”
“It contains a diary of my… Lo-Lo’s time with you. I wrote it as a message for myself. That way, if the amnesia did occur, I’d have my own account of what had happened while I was… missing. There’s a note asking Perry to try his hardest to get me to read it. I gave it to him because I figured that if I had amnesia, he'd be the person I trusted most.”
“That was brilliant,” Clark observed. “That was part of how I always knew you - I mean Lois - were there. Lo may have lacked your intensity, but the Lois Lane intellect was right there every day. Do you think it would have worked?”
“I hope so. I tried to include the important stuff. For example, Lex has his own section. I wanted to make sure that what you told me, and what I’d seen, didn’t get lost. Cat has her own section too. But that one is more about keeping that friendship going.”
“Do you think you will want to?” Clark asked.
“I think so. But I’m not sure it will work. Being Lo-Lo was sort of like living in a sugary fog. Without that fog, many of the wilder things she does are going to annoy me again.”
“I think you made Cat a better person,” Clark said. “If you’re willing to put in the effort, the whole you could be even better for her than Lo was. So what else was in your letter to yourself?”
“There’s note after note about how cautious you tried to be about what I – Lois – would want. ”
"I did try," Clark confirmed. “I wasn't sure that I always succeeded in finding a balance between what you... Lo wanted, what I wanted, and what I thought you as Lois would want."
He paused but she said nothing. "Now that you're yourself again, do you know what you want now?" Clark asked.
"I want to know who I am," she answered. "I'm not sure I can be her anymore."
“You mean Lo? I wouldn’t expect you to be,” Clark tried to reassure her.
“No. Without Revenge in my system, I don't think I could ever be Lo-Lo. What I mean is that I’m not sure I can be Lois anymore.” There was a hint of fear in her voice.
He moved so he could see her face. “I don’t understand. You are Lois. The test results…”
She tilted her head to indicate the envelope with the results. “Those say that my brain is working correctly. But the Lois I used to be… the Lois you fell in love with… the Lois from before Revenge… she's gone as surely as Lo-Lo.”
What was she saying? “Lois, I don’t understand. I… You’re scaring me.”
She leaned back into the overstuffed chair and stared at him intently. “You’re the problem,” she said.
“Please, Lois, I’ll help any way I can but I really don’t understand.”
She stood and walked across the room. When she reached the far wall, she stood there for a minute before turning to face Clark. “Last night I remember yelling at you that Lo-Lo was gone forever. When I walked in that door a few minutes ago…” she glanced at the front door to the apartment, “…and saw you, and I felt my reaction, I became sure that the Lois you knew before Revenge is just as gone.”
She paused, but since he was still lost, he just waited for her to continue.
“Old Lois was a loner," she continued. "She knew that she had to fight everyone and everything because no one cared about anyone but themselves. That Lois also knew that love was only for fairy tales. Then some magic happened, and for six weeks this cynical woman got to live in one of those fairy tales. She found herself in a world where she had real friends that cared about her. She found a real-life Prince Charming that loved her so much that he’d give up everything he had for her.”
Clark found himself blushing at her comparison. "Aren't all those good things," Clark asked.
"Of course," she said abruptly. "That's the problem. I'm Lois again, but I don't want my old life back." Then she paused for a second. "No, that's not true. I want part of my old life but I also want what Lo-Lo had. While I was under the influence - while I was Lo-Lo - I knew how good that life was. That's why I fought so hard to avoid the cure. But me – Lois – I don’t know if I can live that life. Lo-Lo had all that, but I’m not sure I can."
"You can have as much of that life as you want,” Clark countered. “Cat was telling me just this morning that she saw the real Lois all the time and enjoyed working with you. Perry... Well, Perry does want that aggressive edginess back in your work, but I'm sure you can get that without sacrificing yourself."
She considered that for a moment. "What about you, Clark? What do you want?"
"I want you to be happy."
"That's not an answer," she barked, her voice thick with irritation. "You know what I'm asking."
Her look left no doubts in his mind that she was demanding a much more complete and direct answer. This was raw Lois Lane. It was a look that he'd never really seen from Lo. There'd been a few flashes, but it was like comparing a shock of static electricity to a bolt of lightning. "You said that you have all your memories," he replied. "If you do, you know what I want."
"Tell me," she threw right back at him.
He let out a heavy sigh. "Lois, I want you. I have from the beginning and I can't imagine a future where that isn't true. If you want me to spell it out, I love you."
"Are you sure that you don't want Lo?"
"Of course I want Lo," he replied sharply. Then he took a second to calm down. The full Lois was much better at getting on his nerves. "We never talked about why I preferred to call you Lo instead of Lo-Lo like you wanted me to."
"It was easier to say?" she suggested in a sarcastic tone.
"No. It was so that I never lost sight of the fact that the person I was with was only one half of the woman I fell in love with." Clark paused for a moment. "But what about you? The reason that we got involved the way we did is that you - as Lo - convinced me that you - as Lois - had started to want... me. Can you at least tell me the truth about that? As Lois sees it?"
That request seemed to put her on the defensive. "The things that I said about how I felt before Revenge were all true.” She said softly.
“So can you believe that it's you - the whole you - that I really want to be with?” Clark asked, half-afraid.
She seemed to be considering how to respond. After a moment she started back across the room. But this time she went by the chair and sat on the sofa next to him. She reached over and gently took his hand. She stared at it for a long moment doing nothing but rubbing her thumb on the back of his hand. “There's something else in that diary that I gave Perry,” she said as she lifted her eyes to meet her own. “I always knew that you were in love with the Lois version of me, not the simplified person that was Lo-Lo. When I was Lo-Lo, knowing that you wanted something that I couldn’t be… That was the only thing you did that ever caused me pain."
“So where does that leave us?” Clark asked hopefully.
Her expression turned thoughtful. “There’s this girl I met a few weeks ago. She has a name a lot like mine. She told me that you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me.” Lois paused to let that sink in for just a second.
Then Lois leaned toward him in a gesture that he hoped he was reading correctly. The kiss started out tentative and hesitant. Here was a woman he’d been sleeping with for more than a month, but this felt more like a first kiss than anything is his experience. And as this tentative, almost chaste kiss lingered, Clark became convinced that this was the single most wonderful kiss he’d ever shared with this woman who was the center of his life.
When they finally separated, despite the fact that her eyes were closed, Clark could see that Lois had felt the impact of that kiss. A moment later, she opened her eyes and her smile almost cost him control of gravity. "It won't be as smooth this time," she said with a soft seriousness. "I'm sure we’ll fight."
"Lois, I’ve known that was going to be the case from the moment we met."
That evoked an even brighter smile. One that Clark had feared he was never to see again. "Do you have my ring?" she asked.
Clark pulled it out of his pocket. "I've kept it with me since the hospital," he said.
"Then if you're sure..." and she let that hang.
Clark shifted quickly to his knees. "Lois," he said with extra emphasis, "will you marry me?"
"Yes," she answered, as tears of joy started to flow.
She held out her hand and he placed the ring back where it belonged. The kiss that followed was every bit as wonderful as the previous.
The End
