I'll have to blame this one on Wendy. The other day on IRC, we were discussing Wendy's birthday fic for Tank when she said that she had come very close to blowing everything up at the wedding but decided against it at the last minute. I commented how interesting that would be, so Wendy challenged me to write a fic that does "blow up" things. Well, never one to shirk from such a challenge, this story is the result.
Thanks to Wendy for the use of the title below and for permission to write an epilogue to the epilogue to her story.
Also, thanks to Yvonne for quickly reading this over just before posting.
And a belated happy birthday to Tank!
...Repent at Leisure
by RL
*****
Lois looked fondly at her husband as he struggled with the ribbon wrapping his present. For the first time in her life, she was having a memorable Christmas. Last night had been absolutely wonderful. After her husband had opened his first gift, they had retired to the bedroom, completely forgetting about all the other gifts they had under the tree. She blushed, thinking about all they had done the night before.
So this morning, Christmas morning, they were both sitting next to the tree, unwrapping their remaining presents. Her husband was so thoughtful. He had bought her a nice fishing pole and a tent, so that they could both go camping. Meanwhile, he was trying to open his present. She hoped he would like it.
With a grunt, her husband finally succeeded in removing the ribbon and wrapping paper from the box. Lois smiled, thinking about how meticulously he had tried to avoid tearing the paper and cutting the ribbon. He was so cute when he did that. He told her it was so they could reuse the paper next Christmas.
Next Christmas. For once, she was looking forward to next year.
Strangely, his obsessive-compulsiveness reminded Lois of Clark. Clark was just like that, too. Now why in the world did she have to go and spoil her holidays thinking about Clark? He was no longer a part of her life, now that she had quit the Daily Planet and moved to Minnesota. This was where she belonged now, not wasting her time hanging out with Clark while looking for the next big story. Newspaper reporting had been rewarding in the past. Now that she had her new husband, what more could she want?
Still, she wondered how Clark was at the moment. She knew that Clark had been in love with her. He had told her so in Centennial Park that day over half a year ago. Did he still hold a torch for her? When she had said goodbye to him so many months ago, he had looked absolutely crushed, knowing that Lois was embarking on a new relationship with the love of her life, a life that no longer involved him.
She knew at that point that Franklin Stern had bought the remains of the Daily Planet and had intended to reopen the newspaper. She wondered if Clark had decided to stay, or whether he had moved on like he always had in the past. She wouldn't be at all surprised if Clark had run away. He was always running away. She pitied him and thought of Clark pining away for her somewhere on the Kent farm in Kansas.
Just then, a shout interrupted her reverie. Tank held up his new gift, a brand new guitar to replace the beat-up one he'd been using. He had a huge smile plastered on his face, the smile that had haunted her dreams when she had been engaged to Lex. It was a smile that now brought tears to her eyes, making her the happiest woman in the world.
"Thank you, Lois," her husband said. "It's what I've been wanting for a long time. I love it. And I love you." He put the guitar down and came over to her. He wrapped his arms around her and they kissed, oh so sweetly. Lois was in heaven. This is what the holidays should always be like. At this moment, she felt like nothing could possibly happen to ruin this Christmas.
Just then, she heard a knock at the front door. She wondered who could possibly be visiting them on Christmas morning. Her husband released her and gave her a quizzical look. She shrugged in response.
He walked over to the door and began opening the five locks that adorned the front door. She nearly laughed as she watched him opening lock after lock. When Lois had moved in three months ago, she had insisted on installing numerous locks on the doors, just as she had had in her apartment in Metropolis. Tank had told her that this area of Minnesota was very safe. Many of their neighbors even left their doors unlocked most of the time. But Lois had insisted on having those locks, so her husband had indulged her, still thinking she was crazy.
With the final lock undone, Tank opened the door to find several men dressed in dark suits outside on the porch. One of them flashed a badge.
"Mr. Wilson?" the man asked.
"Yes," replied Tank.
"We're from the government, and you're under arrest."
"What!" exclaimed Tank. "What for?"
"We received an anonymous tip that you've been violating a number of federal laws here. You're under arrest for violating the Endangered Species Act and the Federal Wetlands Act."
"How could that be?"
Lois moved beside her husband and demanded to see the badge. Indeed, the man belonged to the Department of the Interior, law enforcement division. "What specifically did he do to break these laws?" she asked, refusing to believe her husband could be guilty of any sort of lawbreaking.
"We received a tip that some endangered species were found on your land. Placing a building on property containing endangered species is a serious violation, punishable by several years in prison."
"What endangered species?" her husband asked with a sickly expression on his face.
The federal agent replied, "We brought some scientists with us who have identified a rare form of dung beetle, and of all things, a spotted owl. In addition to that, the pond you have on your property contains an endangered species of salmon. Oddly, none of these animals are considered native to this area, so the only thing we can conclude is that you illegally imported them here. Tack that onto the other charges, and you're looking at some serious jail time."
"Salmon!" protested Tank. "It's a koi pond. How can there possibly be salmon in it?"
The agent ignored his exclamation and continued on. "And there's one more thing. After the rainstorm you had last week, your property has been declared a protected territory under the Federal Wetlands Act, so we're going to have to seize your property as well."
"That's impossible!" shouted Lois. "This has got to be some bureaucratic mix-up! We demand to see a lawyer."
"You have that right, ma'am, but we're going to have to take your husband into custody. You're free to go, by the way. The property has only your husband's name on the deed, so you're not responsible for any of these violations. I'm sorry, but we're going to have to go now."
Continuing, he said, "One more thing, Mrs. Wilson. Because this land is now federal property, you'll have to leave the premises immediately." The man turned to one of his companions and said, "Please escort Mrs. Wilson to the car." He then waved at some men in construction hats.
Lois watched in horror as men began swarming over their house, planting what looked like explosives. She turned to the agent and asked, "What are they doing to our house?"
The agent answered, "Since this land qualifies for protection under the Endangered Species Act, no man-made structures are permitted to be on the property because they disturb the habitats of the protected animals. My men are here to make sure this structure is removed as quickly as possible."
Still too astonished to believe what was happening, Lois watched as agents placed handcuffs on her husband and then led him away. He looked back at her with worry on his face. She then felt herself being dragged away from the porch to another car.
Looking out the window of the car, she watched as men streamed away from the house. Moments later, she was startled by the sudden explosion that came from her former home. Flames licked at the house as she watched the structure collapse. Tears came streaming down her face. This was certainly the worst Christmas she had ever had in her life.
*****
Far up above the house, Clark hovered, watching the proceedings below. He smiled as he watched the wreckage of what used to be Lois' house. His heart broke a bit when he saw Lois cry, but he hardened his heart as he remembered how she had trampled over his feelings. Though he was still in love with Lois, he knew she would never come to love him. He still couldn't believe he had been dumped, first for Luthor, then for that...that...that guitar player. So if he couldn't have her, no one would. And this was the last time anyone called Clark Kent milquetoast.
The End (or is it?)
