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Pulitzer
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OP
Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 4,058 |
Stacey, this seems like a good start, but it is way too short. Laura
Clark: “If we can be born in an instant, and die in an instant, why can’t we fall in love in an instant?”
Caroline's "Stardust"
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi Stacey  Well done for posting your first fic! You've set up something interesting here: Lois is scared of something and won't admit it, but we don't know what, and of course Clark is being protective. With cause? I assume you're going to tell us!  Laura's right, though; this is too short.  You might not be familiar with the behaviour of the voracious readers around these parts... if you don't post longer instalments, some of them might just send these little guys round your place!  A couple of suggestions, if I might. You leave extra blank lines between some new paragraphs, but not all - it makes the story easier to read if every time you have a new paragraph (and this includes where the speaker changes) you leave an extra carriage return. Second, you seem to be missing punctuation at the end of your dialogue in places - you need a comma before the " when you're going on to add 'Lois said' or something like that. Like this: "Of course I'm not scared," Lois insisted. If you're a bit shaky on grammar - and let's face it, a lot of us are! - you might find this page helpful. It's the grammar guide on the Fanfic Archive. Something else you might consider is advertising for a beta-reader - these are a wonderful invention! A BR reads your story for you before you post; s/he can make suggestions, help you with plot problems, catch errors before you post them and generally act as a sounding-board. Anyway, post more soon! I want to know if Lois is going to get into trouble, and if Clark's going to rescue her! Wendy
Just a fly-by! *waves*
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Posts: 1,384
Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,384 |
Stacey,
What a nice Christmas present! I have been away from the boards for nearly 2 months (a trip to China, of all places, and no easy access to a pc), and when I come back not only do I find tons of new stories to read, I also see we have a new writer! Good for you!
I'm liking this story so far. Maybe it's because I just got back from there, but I do have to say I don't normally associate China with coffee. You might want to consider having Clark fly to Colombia for his coffee beans. But that is really a minor point, and maybe not one others would pay much attention to.
As for the story itself, nice! Both Lois and Clark are completely in character, and their actions ring true. I'm glad you got over your nerves and posted. Very interesting story so far, and I'm looking forward to more!
- Vicki
"Hold on, my friends, to the Constitution and to the Republic for which it stands. Miracles do not cluster and what has happened once in 6,000 years, may not happen again. Hold on to the Constitution" - Daniel Webster
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Kerth
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Kerth
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,217 |
Oooh, a new addict... I mean writer 
"Practice up your shielding spells...and remember to duck if you see green light coming your way." Harry Potter to Wizengamot in OotP trial A Bad Week in the Wizengamot
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Beat Reporter
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Beat Reporter
Joined: Jul 2003
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Great, another newbie on the MB!
Interesting start, but definitley way too short!!!
When will you post again?
Julia
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Hmm hmm...interesting, interesting. Well I'm hooked! I want more! Have you already finished the story, or are you posting as you write? (Just curious...both are common around here.) Glad to see you writing! Jen
"Meg...who let you back in the house?" -Family Guy
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Interesting start, Stacey! Hope to see more of it soon. As Wendy suggested, though, it would be a good idea if you found a BR. You'd find their suggestions very useful, especially if it's the first time you try your hand at this kind of writing. See ya soon. AnnaBtG.
What we've got here is failure to communicate...
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Pulitzer
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Stacey A good start! Tricia 
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Blogger
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Thanks for all the comment's, they've all been really helpful. The next part is a lot longer than this one was. Sorry about the grammer, it was never a strong point but I'm normally better than that. <g> Annie very kindly BR my first post for me, so I'll change that later. Oh as well as change the coffee thing to Colombia. I think I was getting confused with tea. <g> I'm writing it as I go along, but I've worked out the story in my head. I'll post the second half later on today when I get back from lunch.
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Top Banana
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Top Banana
Joined: Jun 2003
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OK, Stacey, just how long is your lunch-hour? I've been checking in every hour or so, expecting Part 2 of your story, and so far, nothing!
"Hold on, my friends, to the Constitution and to the Republic for which it stands. Miracles do not cluster and what has happened once in 6,000 years, may not happen again. Hold on to the Constitution" - Daniel Webster
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Pulitzer
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Pulitzer
Joined: Apr 2003
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Hi, Very interesting start.  Everything in Clark’s living room was still. Even himself. The only way you could tell the difference between him & a statue, was the way his chest moved a fraction whilst breathing. (& even then that was sporadically) He was thinking. Thinking about Lois, which was nothing particularly new to him. He was always thinking of her, always worrying. Let’s face it, where Lois is concerned worrying about her becomes a daily ritual.
Braking this freeze frame, he picked up his phone & started dialling her number, but stopped before he hit the last digit. She was probably asleep & wouldn’t thank him. She would just think he was being over protective. Let see more. More soon, please. MAF 
Maria D. Ferdez.
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Don't like Luthor, unfinished, untitled and crossover story, and people that promises and don't deliver. I'm getting choosy with age.
MAF
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Features Writer
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Features Writer
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 767 |
Stacey,
I agree with the others
good start - too short
more
merry
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