Kal-El surveyed the common room that joined the sleeping areas. There were several sleeping areas off the main room and he knew two were occupied. He would occupy a third one.
“You must have a lot of questions,” Lane urged him gently. “If so, please just ask.”
“I do – have many questions. I am unclear where to begin.”
“Are you curious about me,” Lois asked him bluntly, knowing he was. “Are you wondering about Clark? How we ended up together?”
Kal-El felt warmth crawl through his skin and worried he was showing signs of embarrassment.
“I … would like to know how that happened. I do not mean it in an offensive or intrusive fashion, but – I know that amongst these people who have been so horribly hurt by my clone, I am seen as a shadow of what he is. They know I did not hurt them, but still – they feel as if I did – as if I will and – I have to wonder why you do not look at me like that, Lois? I sense – I trouble you, especially our first meeting – however – you are not afraid to look at me, or to interact with me. You must have been afraid when you first met - Clark,” he said the name carefully. It sounded strange to utter a name so different from his own.
“I was horribly afraid of Clark when I came home to my world. I suffered – badly – at the hands of your clone, Kal-El. And when I learned my world had it's own Kal-El, I was sure he would conquer and enslave us, and do all the terrible things your clone had done.”
She hugged herself in the memory and Kal-El noted how Clark and Kent both watched her – a mix of protectiveness and worry in their body language. He wondered if the two men were angry with him for talking about this.
“Please, Lois,” Kal-El interrupted. “I beg of you not to trouble yourself. I do not need – an accounting. Perhaps it is the very fact that you talk with me, that you – are at such ease with these other two – that I feel that one day – I can – interact with those my clone hurt without all the awful fear.”
“I … am troubled, Kal-El,” her gaze was dark with worry as she looked at him. “I am very troubled and afraid that if I talk about any of this with you it will trigger a … well, you know. You saw. And I don't like going there. To that awful place. It's why I'm here... I was picking up on sendings from this world, and - the person who has the technology to track alternate universes figured out about your existence. He was trying to find a way to help me so I didn't wake up... trapped in those sendings – ones that he learned you were accidentally transmitting.”
“You mean... I... attacked you with telepathic sendings? Even when you were in your home universe.” Kal-El visibly paled.
“You accidentally transmitted – while you were being forced to receive sendings from your clone. I believe that was also unwitting on his part, though I doubt he would care much that he caused you, or I – or anyone else, any grief at all.”
“Regardless,” Kal's entire demeanor was suffused with guilt. “I … hurt you. I crippled your life. Is that what you are telling me?”
His voice and manner were intense and passionate and he took an unwise step in her direction, almost demanding that she give him a response and she stepped away from him, jerkily, trying to get her feelings under control.
He stopped and looked at the other two men, abashedly.
“I am sorry, I am so deeply sorry,” he forced himself to calm down and he dropped his gaze to show submission. His leadership training had no place in the face of one he had unwittingly hurt.
“It wasn't your fault,” Lois mumbled, trying to regain her calm. “And... I can't help it. I can't...”
“No. It is also not your fault that I upset you. I am sorry for that as well. I obviously cannot do anything about the past, but I promise I will never send anything to you without your permission. I feel as if I - “
“No,” she interrupted. “Don't. Just... don't.”
He stopped and then nodded, accepting her edict. He would obey her commands. He owed her that much.
“And... this conversation has to happen, Kal-El,” she raised her gaze to him, and he returned it reluctantly. “So don't worry. I might not like talking about this, but I understand it's … what I can contribute to this effort. We can help you learn to relate to these humans – because I am the expert in the subject... so is Clark.”
“No, I'm not,” Clark disagreed, surprising Kal-El with his sudden vocalization after the other man had stood quietly offering his wife silent support. Kal-El noticed that both his doppelgängers had wary body language around Lois most of the time. While Kent and Lane were relaxed with each other, and even now in the privacy of these quarters had taken to casual affection touches, Clark and Lois did not behave in that way. Kal-El wondered just how... real... this relationship was. Was it possible that Lois and Clark were not sexually intimate?
“What do you mean,” he asked Clark. “You overcame her hatred of you -”
“No. She did that.”
“Give yourself credit,” Lois said, coming over and placing a loving hand on his chest. Clark immediately placed his hand over hers. His expression was tender. And it was then that Kal-El saw it. The actual intimacy. The closeness. The love. Yes. Clark wasn't as comfortable about casually touching his wife in affection, but that didn't mean intimacy didn't happen. He was deeply glad of that fact. Lois deserved the best she could have, and a life without intimacy seemed a cold and empty way to live. Even if it was the life he faced. At least he deserved it – for being so stupid and not taking greater precautions against his potential enemies.
“I – hated him. I tried to – warn the world. He never once tried to stop me. He never told me he was angry or hurt. He just … took it.”
“I didn't have a choice. You had to do it. And you stopped it once you began to disbelieve your own assertions.”
“Hooray for me,” she said bitterly. “Not after causing you a lot of trouble.”
“How did you end up – friends? There had to have been – something that happened that eased you from – what you had been to -where you are?"
“An asteroid was going to crash into earth. I had to stop it. I developed amnesia from the collision and our paths crossed.”
“I had already begun to question my distrust of him – and I was at his apartment, believing him to be dead... I was looking for information I knew he'd compiled on Lex Luthor.”
“Lex – he was in your world as well?”
“Oh, we can talk about Lex later,” said Lois, looking over at the other three who knew well what Lex was capable of. “But I think you are better served with this conversation.”
“By all means... but only if you are able to do so without undue distress.”
“It really is okay, Kal-El,” she said softly, coming over and sitting down where he'd already taken a seat in an attempt to appear less threatening. “I promise to tell you if I need a break.”
Kal-El was shocked at her nearness - that she had willingly come to sit near him - in touching distance. He almost yearned for her to touch him. To make him seem a friend as well, instead of a possible threat.
“You are a remarkable person,” he praised her. “I know if our situations were reversed, I would not be able to behave as you are doing.”
“If not for Clark, I would be a wreck around you,” she confessed, her eyes bleak with bitter memories. “He can tell you about it... anyway. We ended up spending time together – he didn't have his memories. He had no idea I feared him. I know he felt it – but he didn't understand it. We were desperate to get him to remember. That was the turning point in our relationship – it was very difficult and painful at the time, but after that – I … wanted to be near him. And Lex was harassing me... which meant I needed help. Which I asked Clark for, and he gave it. Whenever I needed him – he was there for me. He never once made me feel guilty about hurting him. It didn't take very long before I realized I loved him... so many women wanted him, and I felt eclipsed by that. I finally told him that I wanted him to wait for me... I took a chance, and found out he felt the same way about me. By then I trusted him not to hurt me, but so many times the ghost of your clone got in the way.I would freak out when he laughed, even – because sometimes that would trigger an awful memory. Clark endured it. He did whatever I needed him to do and he put up with my rages.”
“You make it seem like it was purgatory,” Clark told her, unable to stay silent. He came over and sat next to her, taking her hand gently in his. “It wasn't. You hating me was. Once you stopped, well – the times when you were angry or frustrated with me – those were valuable to me as because you weren't afraid of me. Your flashbacks hurt me because they hurt you, but you never hurt me, Lois. I knew you needed time to get to a place of peace.”
“Well you were... incredible,” she told him, her eyes glowing with love. “You always have been. Without you in my life, I'd never have come back to myself. Ever.”
“Same here...”
Kal-El regarded the two. They were lost in each others gazes, holding each others hands gently.
He felt the same wistful empty yearning he'd felt before. He pushed it away. He couldn't think of LL that way. Such a thing would never be possible between them and he couldn't allow himself to believe he could ever belong here. He didn't belong with his former people anymore either, he was an outsider to all. He could never forget that. When this was over and they had won Earth's liberty, he would find somewhere else to go. Even if he was all alone for the rest of his life. He deserved to atone for his failures. Unwitting thought they were.
