Yes. Short. But it's the story that came out. And as I've done in other fandoms on ffnet, I just post what I have as a chapter. I hopefully will post another tomorrow
LL paced her quarters. She hated that Kal-El was here. With them. Cloistered with them. Discussing the plans... discussing the future. Her future. And she was unable to participate. She'd lost control , but then again she knew the concept of her having control had at best been an illusion that the others were willing to entertain – only because they trusted that she hated her captors enough to want them dead. She was a useful leader in her singleminded intent.
She wrapped her arms around herself, remembering the way Kal-El had smiled – and it had been a genuine friendly expression, shared with Lane, of all people. She hated herself for being obsessed because she knew that she was not interested in him that way. He wasn't even human. It was grotesque – an alien and an earthling – an abomination, even. But... if he was meant to be hers, then he couldn't be Lane's. Lane had her prince charming. She didn't need to keep a collection.
She fretted about her obsession with Kal-El -in some way it was like the clone's obsession with her. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't as if she could do anything about it, yet she knew the desire to somehow keep him walled off from other 'Lois Lane' variants was some kind of twisted dog-in-the-manger behavior. I can't have him – I don't want him, but I sure as hell don't want her to have him.
She closed her eyes and tried to identify the trigger of her worries. It was the smile. Kal-El had smiled at Lane, and unlike his clone, his smile hadn't been a cruel parody. Instead, it had held the same kindness, amiability and ease that the Clarks' smiles held, depending on who they were smiling at. Kal-El's smile had had tenderness in it, as if he'd been drawn to both Lois's dopplegangers.
The truth is, the tenderness and obvious love between the Clarks and the Loises was what was drilling this hole of yearning in her soul. While she couldn't imagine sharing herself in any way, she still deep down longed for that … for that look – for it to be meant for her. From one who seemingly was meant to be with her. If the whole soul mate thing had validation, and now she was beginning to wonder because of the existence of soul trackers across multiple universes, then she thought that she should at least get a crack at the one meant for her. On her terms, though... not someone else's. At the very least she shouldn't feel threatened that her more attractive other selves wouldn't somehow draw the one meant for her to them. When Kal spoke and interacted with Lane, he'd opened up – he'd smiled, he'd relaxed a bit, and the overall picture had been of masculine perfection. His voice had rumbled in just that right way. She knew without her past trauma she would have fallen head over heels in a second. And Lane already had that. She had hers. She had that moment. That experience, that growth from crush to lifelong relationship – she would continue to have it with Kent. So why did she need Kal-El?
And when Kal interacted with Lois, everything in him exuded kindness, tenderness, concern for her well being and anger on behalf of what she had suffered. Very perversely, LL wanted him to look that way to her, to interact that way with her -to be the first and only ever Lois Lane to get those interactions, but her doppelgangers were stealing it all away from her. Of course, she thought about what she would do if Kal-El did any of that with her – and how she reacted whenever she had to talk to him or look at him, and she knew that it would lead to disaster.
The sense of losing something very valuable, having it stripped away by her unwitting 'twins' left her feeling anxious and tense. But the idea of having him share that– made her even sicker, so what did she do? Do nothing and let them have these moments with him? Moments that belonged to her?
She had to get past the idea that they were soulmates. When she first met the Loises and the Kal-Els she was appalled and honestly revolted that they were together in that way. But somehow Clark had disarmed the worst of her shell and she'd felt a grudging liking – he had gone through a gauntlet of hell with Lois. He knew what LL was about. He didn't need to be told how to talk to her. And his tenderness had been occasionally directed her way. It had been an unwittingly accepted balm to her broken soul. It was likely Clark who had made her more amenable to even the most basic interactions with Kal-El. If Clark hadn't eased the path, she wouldn't be able to even talk to Kal-El, let alone work with him.
She wondered if she should talk to him. The idea terrified her, but if anyone would understand, it would be him. She expelled an angry breath. This was stupid. She was Lois Lane, leader of the resistance, and all that mattered moving forward was freeing earth. All this was pointless distraction. Her brain was taking her on this journey to keep her from fearing the real conflicts that lay ahead. All that mattered was victory. They had to be victorious.
