“Lois will not be joining us,” Zara told the Kal-El and the four doppelgängers after joining them in their private quarters. She nodded soberly at Kal-El who was incongruously dressed human. Like this, he passed for one of the Clarks.
“Is she all right,” Kent asked worriedly.
“She is ill,” Zara told them. All three Kal-Els wore expressions of worry at her explanation.
“How so,” Clark asked.
“She says she has a bad cold,” Zara recited back LL's own self diagnosis. “She can barely walk and she does not want to do anything except stay in bed and sleep.”
“You believe this,” Kal-El asked. “Is she afraid to meet us here, or is she really ill?”
“She really is ill, although I am sure she fears this as well. How could she not?”
“Then let's proceed as best we can without her,” Lois asserted. “Kal-El – you have made your list of Kryptonians you believe you can trust?”
“I have,” he answered, his gentle gaze briefly connected to hers, to quickly see if she was troubled in any way. She held it together rather well for someone who had been so horribly abused. She gave him a quick smile that told him what he wanted to know. Yes, she was having difficulties, but she had things under control. “Here it is,” he handed it to her, and she looked at him, surprised that he gave it to her alone.
“You can just read it to us,” she told him. “I don't need to check it out first...”
“I – ah – would appreciate your input. You and Zara are the only people present who might know these people and where their loyalties may lie.”
She winced and he apologized, but she shook her head.
“No. Don't do that. This is fine. We have to do what we can to ensure this mission's success. We can't fail. I don't want you worrying about upsetting me.”
“I suppose I have to trust you mean that, Lois,” Kal-El told her soberly. “I put Ching on the list. In fact, he is the one I trust most.”
She paled and nodded.
“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” she laughed mirthlessly, quoting Mr Spock.
“That is, very often true. However I will never apply that thinking to you -”
“No, I'm sorry. I was quoting a movie... I understand Ching did what he did to protect Zara and my other counterpart – however ...”
“He threw you under the bus,” Kent said angry on her behalf.
“If only,” Lois said. “That would have been a better fate.”
Silence met her declaration.
“I never tried to help you,” Zara told Lois, her face etched with remorse. “I could have rescued you... I did not -”
“The needs of the resistance were greater than my own. I do know the logic of that, Zara,” Lois interrupted, uncomfortable to be the center of so much regretful attention. “Zara... what do you think about these other names,” Lois said, moving over to sit next to the Kryptonian woman. Zara seemed surprised that Lois moved, but recovered quickly. Together they looked at the list and murmured quietly to each other.
Lois pulled out a pen and began to write notes on the list.
There was a knock at the door.
“It's Lois,” Clark said, using his abilities to look through the door.
“There's something she has in common with you,” Kent remarked, getting it out of the way now as Lois went over to open the door, knowing that it would be best for a human to greet her and not one of the men. “Nothing will keep her down … not even a bad cold.”
“You don't get ahead by allowing illness to slow you down,” Lane told him. “You never had to really worry about it much – other than Kryptonite poisoning.” She shifted her gaze to follow his distracted one. He was looking at a very sick LL. She was standing upright through supreme effort of will, but it was obvious she was ill. This wasn't a cold. It was more likely the flu. LL was shivering, and holding her arms tightly folded to keep herself warm.
“Jesus,” muttered Clark sub vocally, intending only Lane and Kent to hear. “She's in bad shape.”
“Lois, we can postpone this,” Lois told her doppelgänger as she guided her to a couch – next to Zara who gazed in open concern at her friend.
LL felt a flush of more than illness go through her at the awareness that she was horribly the center of attention in a room filled with Kryptonians. Bad odds – 4 to 3. She forced herself to breath , but that kicked off a round of coughing. It sounded painful and the others winced in sympathy.
“Look, I know you don't want what I have,” LL croaked. “I'm hoping you can't get my germs since you're from another universe... I have to be part of this – we can't delay. Every delay means more people being murdered, tortured, raped... I can't -”
“Don't worry on our account,” Lois told her after getting a nod from Lane. “If we get sick then we'll ask Herb to take us back to one of our homes.”
LL shuddered as a cold chill ran through her. She tightened her arms around herself and nodded, hoping she wouldn't throw up. She felt horrible – she felt as if any moment now she might faint. And she couldn't imagine doing that here. On the other hand, she hated being alone while sick. Some primitive childlike part of her wanted to be cared for, and the people here would likely do so without even hesitating. Even the Kryptonians. Especially them. Which was weird. Very weird. She avoided making any kind of eye contact with Kal-El. He was the one who bothered her the most.
“You're obviously freezing,” Clark argued, not bothering to worry about upsetting her. He was done walking on eggshells. They had formed a tentative bond and he was going to trust it. If LL wanted to yell at him, she could. He could handle it.
“I'm okay,” she denied, fixing a glare on him. One he knew well. The patented Lois Lane glare. But there was no fear or loathing... just anger that he dared call attention to a potential weakness.
“If that's okay, you need to redefine the word. Clearly we're in the land of opposites.”
Lois tried not to laugh when she saw Kent, Kal-El and Lane all look at Clark with expressions that contained a bit of awe and surprise that he was risking poking at LL this way. Kal-El appeared most intrigued by the goings on and Lois wondered if maybe there wasn't some part of him that wanted to be more to LL than just a fellow freedom fighter. She shook her head. She had to remember her own awful journey... the odds of anything happening between these two was pretty low. Kal-El likely would leave earth – where he would go, she couldn't imagine, but she knew he wasn't gong to stay here where he would be feared by everyone he encountered.
“I wouldn't say no to a blanket,” she grumbled with ill concealed distaste. “And perhaps coffee.”
“Let me -” Zara forestalled Lois who moved to get the blanket. “If you tell me where they are?”
*****************************************************
LL held a hot cup of coffee, grateful for it's warmth, as well as the comfort of the blanket. She was furious with herself for being ill, but she had no way of controlling things, and she'd learned the hard way not to allow this sort of thing to consume her.
“So what did I interrupt,” she asked, her voice raspy from her bronchial congestion.
“Here,” Zara handed her the list that Kal-El had compiled. “These are potential allies. Kal-El wanted to know what Lois and I thought.”
“Your opinion is extremely valuable as well,” Kal-El spoke, hoping that he could do so without upsetting her. This entire topic had to be upsetting. She knew more about these people than he did because of her enslavement.
LL nodded quietly. Not looking at him, she perused the list. She took the pen from Zara and made notes herself. After a long silence, she finally spoke.
“The checks mean I agree. The question marks mean I have no information at all, and the 'x' marks means I think not. The exclamation points mean 'absolutely not' unless you can convince me otherwise.”
Zara read her notes and nodded thoughtfully.
“Some of the question marks I feel are trustworthy. We can go through them name by name. Lois, would you care to comment,” she asked, handing the list back to Lois. Lois took the list, giving her a somber nod.
“We should also have a known enemies list,” LL added. “Kryptonians we know to be harmful – in addition to your clone, that is,” she spoke to Kal-El, still not meeting his gaze.
“I have some names,” he said slowly. “People I suspect had an involvement in what was done to me.”
“Then you start, and we'll add,” she indicated herself, Zara and Lois.
He nodded, willing to take direction from LL. She had strong leadership skills. He knew she was upset in their company, and even worse – sick … add to that being forced to examine lists of names of those who may have tormented her – she was holding it together remarkably well. Lois was as well, but somehow this seemed different. Lois had obviously gone on a journey of acceptance where 'her' Kal-El was concerned. In the case of 'his' LL, she hadn't had the same opportunity and was therefore even more impressive in her ability to put her aversions aside in order to work alongside those who resonated horror in her soul. His heart twisted in pity at the idea that she might be suffering far more than she let on. He pushed the pity away. He knew instinctively she would resent it. And he couldn't risk broadcasting his feelings.
The three women worked together as the others waited, and then finally the lists were complete. It was time to discuss them entries one by one. Now was the part Kal-El dreaded most. There was no way this wasn't going to be upsetting.
“How about we start with the trustworthy list and move on to the others after,” Lois suggested, knowing she didn't want to talk about some of the other names on the 'enemies' list until the end.
The others nodded, and she smirked knowing full well nobody but LL would have dared disagree. Being the second most damaged person in the room gave her a kind of strange seniority. She would have gladly given it up to have never suffered at all. Her face darkened in hard memories and the others just waited for her to collect herself. LL was too sick to notice her stiffening, but the others in the room were well aware.
“You okay,” Clark asked her quietly.
She smiled and squeezed his arm, trying to reassure him.
“Then – let's start with Ching,” LL said, eying Lois carefully. “I apologize... but he's the ideal first point of contact.”
Lois nodded, fighting her nausea.
“Are you willing to discuss... your past here?”
“Yes,” Lois answered LL hastily. “I will talk about anything to help our cause. Just bear with me. I might have difficulties...”
“Understood,” she nodded.
Lois addressed the men.
“Fair warning. I might freak out. Don't panic. Okay? And don't feel badly. What happened to me isn't the fault of anyone here. Not even you, Kal-El, even though I know you feel otherwise. Okay?”
He nodded, but his eyes said a different story.
“Remember- you were victimized too.”
“I appreciate your words, Lois,” he told her.
“Ching... was the one who brought me to Lord Ka- to Kal-El's clone,” she said, amending herself hastily. She saw Kal-El turn pale and felt sorry for what she was about to do. “I was taken from my home by a monster named Tempus. He left me here and vanished. I had no idea who he was or why he'd taken me – or even where and how. I was trying to get my bearings and figure out what the hell had happened when Ching was suddenly there at my side. He told me that his master requested my presence. He was apologetic and told me that I had no choice and I'd best learn to submit.”
She paused, her memories cast back to that awful day. Unaware she was even doing it, she wrapped her arms around her to somehow protect herself. She closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the others' reactions knowing they would all be horrified. She couldn't bear to look at the men right now.
“I should have -”
“Zara, no,” she said, forestalling her. “Please. Let me finish. No self recriminations. It's too late. It's over and done with. Besides, you and Ching were the ones who rescued me in the end, weren't you?
“After allowing you to suffer for years, yes,” Zara responded, clearly angry with herself.
“Please let me tell my story. We all trust you here – and that's all that's needed for this mission. Okay?”
Zara looked at her a long moment, reading the sincerity in her gaze, and nodded.
“If you suffer hearing my tale, then consider that your … punishment. Okay? You may feel you allowed me to suffer, therefore you now must suffer in the hearing of it. The others... well, unfortunately we have no choice.”
“Lois, you can tell us anything. We'll deal,” Lane spoke up, speaking for the men collectively.
She finished the story of how Ching had captured her using his extreme strength, delivering to her tormentor. There was a long silence as they processed her story. She hadn't told them about what the clone had done to her after Ching left, but they were all mentally going there anyway and it was a traumatic moment for everyone.
“Did... did Ching ever – threaten you,” Lane asked her carefully. “Ah... with - “
“You mean, did he ever rape me?”
“Oh god,” muttered Kent, wanting to be anywhere but there. He was filled with rage on behalf of Lois. He knew Clark was as well. He could feel it. He could even feel Kal-El's rage. They all had to get under control to avoid frightening LL and Lois.
“If you can't handle this, you can leave,” Lois told Kent carefully. “You are not a required member of this meeting... no offense intended.”
He held her gaze and nodded
“Understood, but … I'll stay if you don't mind.”
“No. I don't mind. And for what it's worth, I appreciate that you hate him on my behalf,” she smiled mirthlessly and he gave her a nod of understanding.
“Ching forced me into captivity, but he never hurt me himself. He never seemed to want to hurt me. He did seem regretful at his actions. If Lois and Zara trust him, then I agree he's a good ally. I have faith that they know what they are talking about.”
“Will his presence upset you,” Kal-El asked.
“Yes. But that's my problem, not yours. If I can't handle working with him, then I will stay away from meetings he attends. Don't worry about me. I want this world to be free. My sensibilities are not to get in the way of that.”
“None of us want to see you hurt,” he added warily. “So your feelings do matter. A lot.”
“I know they do. I trust in that and believe it. I just meant to me, it's important we succeed. I want to go home. Badly. And I'll endure what I must to make that happen. It isn't a big deal.”
“Well, I trust Ching,” LL spoke up. “He is well aware of our activities, and including him poses little risk. “
“Then it's settled. Let's move on,” Lois said, forcing herself to appear calm.
Many names later, LL's cough had worsened and the three men seemed visibly shaken by whatever bits of information Lois and LL had shared. And this was just the 'trust' list.
“We still have two other lists to got through – the hard ones,” Lois said, knowing they needed a break but unwilling to propose it.
“How are you,” Zara asked LL. “You seem worse.”
“I want to die,” groaned LL. “But... “
“Isn't there anything we can do for you,” Clark asked, feeling frustrated. “Medicine? Anything?”
“Medicine is hard to come by,” she croaked. “Maybe... maybe I could just sleep for a few hours – I could take something to put me out so my coughing doesn't wake me up. “ She staggered to her feet and then immediately collapsed back down. “Not good... I … don't see how I'm going to get back.”
“You can stay in our fourth room,” Lois urged.
“I can't stay here with you,” LL gasped.
“You can,” Lois said gently. “You trust we won't let harm come to you. I know you do,” she whispered as she sat next to her now, knowing she was the only one who could do this without getting yelled at. “I believe you trust the two Clarks and you also know that Kal-El won't turn on you. You know it, even if you don't want to think about it.”
LL regarded Lois, trying to subjugate her intense desire to not be alone while sick. A small part of the old LL remained – a woman who, while difficult to befriend, was still capable of being a friend, of relying on friends. Her family. Her sister... she had no idea if they were even alive. The other resistance cells knew nothing of each other for reasons of security, so if Lucy and her parents lived and were resistance members she did not have any way of learning of it. Lois was almost a sister, and LL's heart yearned for that. For someone to care for her. Zara could do it -could be considered her sister despite being a Kryptonian, but she had to go back to that monster, and as a result – she couldn't take care of LL.
“If you want, we'll relocate the men,” Lois said kindly, her keen eyes reading so much from LL's silence and troubled gaze.
The notion bothered LL and she shook her head. Oddly she felt safe in Clark's presence and having the additional security of of a Kryptonian bodyguard who would never allow harm to come to her if he could help it was seductive. Kent... she didn't know him too well, but Lois trusted him and so she decided to lump him in with Clark. Then there was Kal-El. And while talking to him was hardest of all, being here with them, and sharing that weird bond that was growing between Kal-El and her own counterparts was also very appealing. She shuddered, not wanting to examine the reasons. Kal-El was a fellow victim. Any kinship she felt towards him was based on being a fellow sufferer.
“Hey, Lois,” Clark spoke, coming over and crouching down by the side of the couch, taking a chance. “Look, I obviously can't know how hard this is – but I'm begging you to stay. We will accommodate you in any way you want. The guys and I will leave and stay elsewhere... “
“No,” she blurted out, before she had a chance to stop herself. Clark stopped speaking for a moment and waited. She thought of how Kal-El – no... how the clone had been. How he'd punished her for anything remotely seeming to be disrespect and how these three were so different in contrast.
“No as in, you won't stay, or no, you -”
“I don't want you to leave,” she admitted, her voice a hard rasp. “I don't want to leave either.” Sickness was making her weepy. She felt it in her throat and eyes. She felt completely open and flayed. She was unable to put up a single defense.
“Good,” Clark said, giving her a friendly smile, one that he hoped wouldn't trigger horror. He took a chance, and gripped her hand in his very gently. She didn't pull away, but he felt her breath catch. “My mother taught me to cook. I'll happily provide you chicken soup if you just tell me how to get the ingredients!”
She laughed weakly at his words and nodded. “Zara can help you out with that. I may take you up on it. My throat hurts badly.”
“Just one thing... does allowing me to stay also encompass them? Him, specifically?”
She hesitated and then nodded her gaze fixed on his. His eyes were very kind. Very non Kal-El like. His human trappings and his human mannerisms made it hard to see the monster in him sometimes. For that she was greatly relieved.
“Okay. Then we'll get things set up for you - we won't take too long... and then you can crash if you want. Nobody will disturb you.”
“Wake me up in two hours,” she protested. “So we can continue.”
Clark and Lois exchanged troubled glances.
“I'll be fine.”
“You won't be. You're very sick,” Lois insisted. “How about 4 hours?”
“Or even six.”
“No, six is too long -I can't put this off -”
“Okay, four then,” Clark said hastily.
“Sneaky, Clark,” she grumbled.
“I know. And for what it's worth, we will stay out of your way – the guys and I, I vouch for them both. We won't do anything that might make you uncomfortable... “ he trailed off, not wanting to remind her that he was married to Lois, and Kent to Lane.
She nodded, understanding his meaning.
“I'm sorry to be -”
“Please don't ,” Lois interjected. “Don't worry.”
LL began to lose consciousness . Deciding to stay and be cared for had broken through her resolve to stay alert. The voices around her receded as sleep claimed her.
LL woke up feeling as if she'd been hit by a train. Her throat was closed and felt as if someone had lacerated it with shards of glass. Her head and ears hurt badly. Her skin was burning.
She checked her watch and realized she'd only slept a short while. Someone had carried her to this bed, and she wondered who had done it. Zara in all likelihood.
She staggered to standing, and tried to make it to the door, but halfway there she collapsed, crying out in pain as she did.
“Lois,” she heard one of her doppelgängers call out her name in fear as she ran to the door and banged on it. “Are you okay?”
She looked up at her double and shook her head.
“I can't walk,” she croaked, feeling lower than she'd felt in along while. “I hurt myself... “
Lois came in and crouched by her immediately and LL knew that the others were out there worrying, waiting to see if help was needed.
“Where did you hurt yourself?”
“My shoulder hurts,” she groaned. “I might have broken something when I fell.”
“Can I check?”
LL nodded, not fearing Lois's touch. Lois gently pressed along her shoulder and collarbone. She hissed at the last spot and Lois frowned.
“You might have broken your collarbone. Can I ask Clark to -”
“Is Zara here?”
“No,” Lois answered, her gaze regretful. “She had to leave... “
LL felt a wave of fear. Her only true friend was gone. She was alone with three Kal-Els and her doppelgangers. She squeezed her eyes shut and rememberd that they too were her friends, or at least, well intentioned towards her.
“Please, I'll stay with you … I promise.”
She nodded. “ Just your Clark. Okay? Not - “
“Sure.”
She went out and beckoned Clark to come.
“She needs help,” Lois whispered. “She fell and I think broke her collarbone. She needs help getting into her bed too.”
Clark nodded.
He followed Lois in, and crouched down to LL to make himself seem less threatening. He could hear her fear. Her heart was racing. She looked at him warily.
“Is it okay if I ah – look through your skin to see if you ”
“Yes!”
He did, and then shook his head.
“Nothing broken,” he said, glad to deliver good news.
“Thank god,” LL muttered. “To add that on top of this.”
“Do you need help getting up?”
She nodded, feeling shame at her weak state.
“Look. I've been disabled by Kryptonite,” he told her kindly. “I couldn't stand for any inducement. You'll be on your feet soon!”
“Thanks, Clark,” she murmured, feeling stupid. “If you help me stand and let me lean on you, I can walk to the couch -”
“Or you could catch some more sleep,” he suggested hopefully.
'”I will later, I promise. For now I need to work.”
“Okay... is it okay if I help you up?”
She squeezed her eyes and nodded. He gently helped her stand and she fought against feeling shame and fear at the contact.
“Sorry,” he said and she shook her head, her eyes still closed. “I'm the one who fell. You didn't push me.”
He nodded, and said nothing further.
“Thanks for the help.”
“Always glad to oblige you.”
She smiled briefly and mirthlessly. With his help she walked to the couch. She kept her gaze fixed in front of her so she wouldn't see the others looking at her.
“I had a little fall,” she told the others. “Nothing broken. I'm fine. I'm ready to continue.”
They knew she was still very sick and in desperate need of rest, but nobody wanted to push it. If she wanted to continue – then continue they would.
“Okay – let's get on with this, then,” Lois agreed. “The sooner started the sooner ended.”
