Oh, gosh, don't even get me started about what's in *my* backyard. Okay, I am pretty sure that it isn't pollution, but who knows. Everyone that knows the stories that I tell about my dad and his crazy ideas on IRC will understand this.
Okay, I live in a fairly large city, the largest suburb of Cleveland, Ohio (and Cleveland is very industrial -- so polluted that the Cuyahoga River was on fire years ago.) But I digressed. My house is in a delopement that surrounds some of the only green space in the city that isn't a park (it's a very small forrest that is about 2 blocks long) and my parents purposely bought a house whose backyard faces on the woodland. We have a creek in our back yard and often see deer and other cute animals that make my dog go crazy in our back yard.
When my parents first moved into this house before I was born, the back yard was a complete forrest. But then sequentially through the years my dad had "visions" of what he should change our backyard into. Oh and don't be mistaken, we don't have acres of land -- we have a 50 foot lot with a creek and a woods behind.
So when I was about 7 my dad started cuttnig down trees to build his first deck. Yes I said first deck. So he cleared the area close to my house and built this massive deck that is just outside the addition/sun room that they put on the house. But one massive deck just wasn't good enough for him so then he put up a shed.
And that was sort of sufficient for him for a few years... until... he retired 3 years ago. And then he became "Mr. Crazy Gardener." So he decided to turn our woods into a "woodland garden." One thing to remember about my dad is that he never plans anything in advance, he just goes to the plant store (never go with him if he meantions the dirt store, hertz nursery, or the rock store... and yes, these places do exist... believe me). Okay, back to the story. My dad just goes and buys these... plants... luckily now he is working exclusively in the back yard and not the front yard any more (oh that's a different story entirely... my sister and I hated this one plant he had so much that we would purposely try to run it over with our cars, pick at it when we went out to walk the dog or get the mail, and finally to kill it we poured a combination of bug spray, turpentine, and wall paper remover on it). But I digress.
Now obviously in order to plant his plants around the trees, he needs drainage ditches. Why? We still aren't entirely sure. I guess, even though he builds downward sloping mounds of dirt (that he buys from the dirt store), he still needs to drain the water to the creek after it rains. Okay, fine, I guess if he wants to do that it's fine. But who do you think he made dig all the ditches? That's right. Me. And then he put this drain pipe in the ditches and covered them with rocks from the rock store. The funny thing is... the ditches don't work.
Now, our back yard has about 20 mounds of dirt with his "beautiful gardens" consisting of plants that don't even come close to matching... I wish I had a picture because it's hillarious... surrounded by drainage ditches that don't work. Yes, *each* garden mound of dirt is surrounded by a drainage ditch. So, you may ask, why did he have to go out and buy dirt when he was digging big holes right around the area he wanted to plant? That question remains unanswered to this day.
And now we've covered his "gardens." Now, I must address his "decks." Yes I said deck*s* plural. His massive deck right outside the door (which for some strange reason he has removed the step from and my mom can't even step out the door any more because of her arthritis) has been joined by another deck a little farther down the hill. Oh, yes, I must add that the drainage ditches are again pointless because we live on a large hill that slopes DOWN TO THE CREEK... the obvious path for water. But God forbid we tell him that
. Anway, there is now another deck a bit further down the hill wiht steps that lead down to the creek. Okay, why are there steps leading down to the creek? Are we going to jump in for a swim or something? Yeah right.
So what is the project for this year? We thought that the yard was complete. Of course it isn't... not for my dad. He decided that we need another deck. Obviously. So he dug a big hole in the area just to the left of the second deck. Only this deck isn't going to be made of wood. It's going to be made of bricks. Does he have a plan? Nope. Does he have an idea of what he wants to do? Nope. Does he come in every day after hours of working in the yard and complain about it -- and how my dog likes to do his business on the new deck (because it used to be his run around area and now it is deck... poor Maxie is confused) and how he can't cut the wood to make the steps? Of course he does.
Oh and the fountins. I can't believe I forgot about his precious fountins. Right in the middle of the first deck, he bought this weird-looking fountain. Originally it was going to have flowers in it, but now he's given up on that idea. He just likes to see the water flowing. But there's a problem my dog likes to drink that water when he is outside and the animals from the woods always come out and drink it... so he can't understand why there is never any water in the fountain. Yes, he does put on a humerous show talking about the fountains. So what did he do when he thought the fountain wasn't working? He bought another one... obviously. So now we have 2 fountains in our back yard... and he has to re-fill both of them every day. And he wonders why the water bill is so high in the summertime. Obviously.
It is also very funny because my dad always screams and my sister and me that we never come outside. Well, I don't like bugs, I'm allergic to just about everything, and I hate nature. So why would I like to look at his garden wonderland? And my sister is even worse than I am! And my mom is sick. So the only person that ever goes outside to "enjoy" the "beautiful backyard" is my crazy father. And that's when he dreams up his new plans. And we run and hide.
Oh no, speaking of the back yard, I just realized that I left my poor puppy out there and it is pourning rain. Usually, he barks for me to let him in after a few minutes. Whoops.
- Alicia
now I'm smart and changed back to Alicia from Andrus
