Good Night, Lois – Jumping Down The Plank
The night is still warm as I walk Lois home. She looks stunning in her dark-blue dress with the low heels and the shawl slipping from her shoulders as she carries the first award of her life. It shouldn’t be me by her side in her parent’s stead. But Ellen wouldn’t go because Sam insisted that he’d be there, only he got held up by his work.
So it’s only Lois – and me.
I couldn’t be prouder of her, not only because she won a prize for the best article in a school paper, but also because she takes her parent’s absence like a champ. But no matter how much she insists that she doesn’t care whether or not her parents were there with her, I know it’s eating away at her. And what I wouldn’t give to comfort her, to offer her more than a safe return home.
But however much I might want that, I don’t belong with Lois.
With Lana perhaps, but not Lois.
Why does my heart have such a hard time understanding that?
“You're so quiet.” Lois grasps my hand lightly, running her thumb across the back of it.
I look at her, then at our entwined hands and try to decide whether to pull back or not. The gesture is comforting, yet strangely intimate, just two hands clasped together and somehow also so much more. My throat runs dry.
“Did anything go wrong while you were out…?” With her other hand she makes a flying motion.
My heart beats a little faster as I look into her eyes that are filled both with worry and with pride. Her gentle gaze betrays a wisdom far beyond her years. Sometimes it's just too easy to forget she's only fifteen and I'm twenty-eight. Even more so since she's beginning to look like a woman rather than the child that stole my heart so many years ago.
I pull back and stuff both hands deep into the pockets of my pants. I won't follow that train of thought.
I attempt a smile to apologize for my rather brusque behavior. “No, that's not it. Superman’s job was fairly easy this week. I've just been thinking…”
Lois raises her brows. “What about?”
Of course she won't let it drop. That's just not in her nature. It's why she's such an excellent reporter for her school paper. Her father might believe she's just dreaming of a journalism career because she's got a teenage crush on me.
I know better.
It's simply what she's meant to be. Her award is proof enough.
Lois’ voice pulls me from my thoughts. “Clark, what's going on? Is it Lana?”
As I look at her again, I see the concern in her gaze, the slight dismay that Lana is still an issue. And I can tell that Lois is jealous. Sam isn’t so wrong about the teenage crush, even if Lois and I are only friends. The best of friends, so much so that I’m almost ready to talk about Lana, because to whom else could I admit the whole disaster?
But she’s only fifteen, I remind myself.
Still, I find myself nodding. “She wants me to propose.”
Lois gives me a roll of her eyes. “Really? Why don’t you just tell her to take a hike?”
My chest constricts. “I can’t.”
I know Lois is going to ask me why. And the truth is that I don’t even know the answer to that. What I feel for her, I’m not sure it is love. I guess I like her. That should count for something, shouldn’t it? It’s not like I have much experience when it comes to loving someone or being loved. My parents loved me, but they died such a long time ago. I know Lana better than anyone, with the exception of Lois, of course.
“Why not?” Lois asks. “Have you even told her about yourself, yet?”
I close my eyes and try to ignore that sickening feeling deep inside my gut. “Not yet,” I rasp. *Not ever,* my mind adds.
Whenever Lana and I speak about Superman there’s an elephant in the room somewhere that keeps me from telling her who I really am. I’m not even sure what it is. She’s never expressed any open animosity toward him. Yet, I cannot help but feel that she won’t embrace the truth with open arms.
I know I would have to tell her if I were serious about proposing and moving our not quite defined relationship on to the next level.
Again, it’s Lois’ gentle voice that pulls me from my thoughts. “Are you planning on telling her anytime soon?”
I shrug. “I don’t know how. Not sure she’ll take it well.”
Lois sighs. “Which is why I’m telling you to break up with her. This isn’t fair to either of you.”
I let out a slow breath. “I know. But if I can't tell Lana, who else could I ever trust enough to share this secret with?”
That the answer walks right by my side only makes it so much harder. I can't, not with Lois. There's a million reasons why that would never work out. Her age is only one of them. She's like a sister to me, the new family that I built up after I lost mine.
If I can't love Lana and if Lois is off limits, I'd have to find another woman who could accept me as I am.
Besides Lois, who could be so brave?
She smiles at me and places a kiss on my cheek. “We’ll figure this out.”
The way she looks at me, her gaze reflecting feelings that I’d never even dare admit to myself, sends my heart racing. It's as if I'm suddenly standing on the edge of a plank forced to jump into the water and all the flying in the world won't save me from drowning.
It's just a teenage crush.
Someday she'll wake up and realize that there's no future for us.
Someday, we’ll better wake up both.
Peter and Wendy are only a fantasy.
It's long since time Peter grew up.
All too soon we turn into her street.
“We’re here,” I manage. “Good Night, Lois. I'm so proud of you.”
She looks at the award in her hand and her smile falters a little. “Good Night, Clark. Know what? I'm proud of you, too. You're the best person I know. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Least of all, Lana. Thank you so much for coming with me tonight.”
She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a tight hug. I close my eyes and inhale her soft scent of soap and shampoo. Do I ever really need more than that?
