Rac, I'm struck by certain important similarities by your story and a horrible murder story that took place in Denmark this summer. And if you wonder what the similarities are, they are that both cases involve men who feel the need to be "invulnerable" and strong, even though they are under a lot of pressure, and they are both in danger of cracking because of the strain they are under. Both of the men are unable to talk about their own shortcomings and their own weakness. Both fear that people who are important to them would judge them and think less of them if they knew how "imperfect" they are. Both bottle up their emotions, or try to, but their emotions come seeping out, leading to anger and outbursts.
The case in Denmark involved a father who had had little contact with his daughter after he split up with his wife and the wife got custody of their daughter. But the ex-wife died when the girl was seven, and the girl had to live with her father. The girl was devastated by her mother's death, and she was suspicious of her father because of what her mother had told her about him. After a few years the father met another woman and fell in love with her and married her. He had a baby son by his new wife, and meanwhile his daughter was entering puberty and becoming ever more short-tempered and difficult. The father decided that his daughter was so moody that she probably needed to see a psychologist, and he made an appointment for her with a psychologist. He did not, however, make an appointment for himself. And four days before the daughter was to see the psychologist, the father and the daughter had a falling-out. The father lost it completely, grabbed a heavy metal tool and hit his daughter over the head twenty times, shattering her skull and killing her.
At the funeral, the priest did not remind the mourners that the father had been under a lot of stress and that he had cracked because of his human weakness. It was as if it was still forbidden to acknowledge that the father had had this very serious crack in his armour. As a father and a breadwinner and a respectable member of society, the father was simply not allowed to be so weak. Instead of asking the mourners to forgive the father because of his human weakness, the priest asked them to forgive the father because he had loved his daughter so very much. The particulars of the case make me think that the father had not, in fact, loved his daughter, but that he had tried to do his best as a father until he just lost it.
There is one similarity between this horrible story from real life and your fic, Rac. And that is that just like the Danish father, Clark is terrified of admitting his weakness. He just can't accept it. He shouldn't be so weak. That's not who he used to be and not who he ought to be now and in the future. By becoming weak and imperfect, he has betrayed himself and his family and everyone who relied on him.
Unlike the Danish father, Clark managed to make himself go to a psychologist and talk about his problems and his weakness. Doing so is incredibly hard for him, and he is still terribly scared that Lois will judge him and find him wanting if he lets her see his weakness.
In the end, Clark managed to tell Lois about the horrible things that has broken him as a man and as a person. Now the question is how Lois will react. Clark has essentially handed her his fragile, fragile heart and soul with all their cracks and scars. He has told her, "This is who I am; this is how weak and contemptible I am; don't shatter every last vestige of my pride and self-worth by scorning me, or pitying me, or shying away from me. Don't make me hate and despise myself more than I do already."
And now it is up to Lois to find the right way to respond. I don't envy her.
Ann
