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Very nice, Nan. I wasn't sure how you'd handle this -- any scene with eight people interacting is tough, even without the emotional undercurrents.

Quote
Lois nodded. "You don't look a day older than my Clark."

Her Clark. His past self, who was her husband, who at this very moment was assisting with the cleanup operations around Japan. The Clark who was the father of her baby.

He had been that Clark, once, but not anymore. That Clark had belonged to Lois -- still belonged to her. The Clark he was now belonged to Lori.
Excellent way to sum it up. And lots of little hints about things that make me want to go back and re-read the whole thing <g>

The very ending seemed a little abrupt. I wouldn't mind a little more cuddling, or conversation, or something. Maybe something about how his memories of Lois have been getting a little fuzzy, and in his mind she was looking more Lori-like, or something. I dunno.

Overall, though, this was very satisfying and I loved this story. Get it up on the archive soon, please -- I want to get the whole file in one place for easier re-reading wink

PJ

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That's why I asked for comments, Pam. I'm not completely happy with it and intend to take suggestions on how to improve it before it goes to the Archive.

Nan


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Nan,

I don't know what you are worrying about. My wife and I think you've finished this story beautifully.

I look forward to seeing the whole story on the Archive.

SNL. thumbsup

PS. I can't wait to the fo9kkow uo to find out what Lori has.

PPS, Now you've finished this story, when are we getting the next part of "Mother's Day"? You're keeping us waiting too long.

With best regards,

SNL

A great fan of your stories. thumbsup

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Nice wrap up wink

Jose hyper


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Very nice. Don't know how I would improve it.
james


“…with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26.


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I don't know who got in before I added a little or not. Anyway, I made a slight change, and would appreciate comment on how well it works.

Nan


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I'm not sure how this was before the change, but I think it's just perfect. Absolutely and totally perfect.

Beautiful!!

Irene


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I loved it Nan. Teared up on the train home and everything. Maybe I'm a sap but whatever blush

Great story overall! thumbsup

~Liz


Lois: Can I go?
Clark: No.
Lois: Oh come on, Clark, why do we go through this? We both know I’m going to go.
Clark: Then why do you ask?
Lois: I’m trying to be nice.
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I guess there must be something very satisfying about knowing that you will be eternally with the person you love, your soul mate.

No wonder there was no weirdness or jealousy on Lori or Lois' part. To meet a future version of yourself, albeit WEIRD....and know that the man you loved will still love you...

It was sad thinking about Clark seeing his folks again....Very sad to know you're going to outlive everyone....even Lori, some day.

I think I would like to see a vignette of Lois packing up CJ's birthday present as an older woman, knowing that even when she would pass on, she would rise again as Lori.

Great story. Loved it!


Chris

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I would have liked very much to see more emotion between Clark and his first family -- I expected more from the interaction with the woman he was married to for 50+ years -even if he's with her incarnation now, I still felt like that was cheated -- some thing like "I loved you all our lives, and I'm still loving you now, etc." BUT mostly, I needed more emotion between Clark and Martha/Jonathan and CJ and Lois. Seeing a parent who is dead in current time must be like reopening an old wound, and they were a bit too flippant to be believable --that would have been a highly charged emotional moment.

That being said, I loved this story and am *still* looking forward to more "Mother's Day".

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Great story Nan. thumbsup

Hmm wonder what's in the box for Clark, and why he can't open yet...

Guess I'll just have to wait for the sequel to find out. laugh

Janine


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Thanks for the comments, everyone. I've taken advice from several sources and made some revisions. I'd appreciate comments on them if you have the time.

Nan


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Well, I've read it again, and this time it seemed to flow better, but I can't quite nail down where the changes are, which is the sign of a truly talented writer!

I was surprised by the lack of emotion as well, but we have to realize that several decades has passed since Martha and Jonathan passed away, and at least a couple has passed since Lois died, thus, IMO, lessening the impact.


And yes,
Quote
I think I would like to see a vignette of Lois packing up CJ's birthday present as an older woman, knowing that even when she would pass on, she would rise again as Lori.
, would be a perfect addition to this story.

James


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Nan - this was fabulous - as always!!! I too would love to see Lois packing it all up and getting ready to give it to John. Can't wait to see what she packed for Clark [perhaps write the vignette and give subtle hints for us to try to guess and then, of course, reveal it fully in the next in this series [which I know there will be laugh ]]. Just a thought.

I too would love to see an extended scene of pizza eating with Clark and his parents and Bernie and of course Lois.

Yay for Lois pushing Lori towards him - a potentially awkward moment for them quickly resolved. And yay for Lori telling Clark to kiss Lois!

I actually read this yesterday while my students were taking a quiz and had to come back and reread it today to absorb it all again. Can't wait to see it on the archive!

Carol [running back into her cave]

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Nan

An excellent wrap-up! smile1 I love it and look forward to finding out what Lois packed for Clark.

Tricia cool

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Thanks to everyone to took the time to comment. I very much appreciate any and all constructive criticism. It helps me to pinpoint weak spots and places that need further expansion or revision, and makes for a better story.

I hope people will re-read it when it hits the Archive. I have made several changes, that I think will be noticeable to people who read it the first day (not so much for those who read it the next day) and I think it improved the story from its original form.

Nan


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Don't worry, I'll read it again -- probably many times goofy As soon as it gets up on the archive, anyway... any guesses as to when that will be? smile

PJ

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Well, I finished revising it and sent it to Labrat, so I guess it will be up as soon as she sends it to an editor and he or she gets finished with it, and it gets to the head of the line. How's that for a run-on sentence?

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TOC

Hi Nan!

this is a blast from the past but Mary just posted an FDK scavanger hunt and here we are...

We're also required to quote the time-travel section, so here it goes:
Quote
She glanced once more at the time traveler, but he showed no sign of regaining consciousness. Resisting, with difficulty, the base but very understandable urge to kick him a third time, she started down the slope, picking her way with care, toward the road that she could see perhaps half a mile away. Once there, maybe she could flag down someone who would help her.

And if, as she feared, she was no longer in her own time, maybe she could still get some help. Perhaps she could find someone who could fix the control device and help her get back home.

And for the actual FDK part:
I absolutely love the Home series and I always had a soft spot for timetraveling, so this one is just perhaps one of my favorite stories in the Home series. The other being the next long one where Clark gets really ticked off because...well... that's a spoiler. There's also the early ones. Gah...Anyway...the Home series has actually been a Christmas re-read for me from time to time. Hope you do a another one in the future hyper

Edit to add quotes:

Quote
She seized the front of his shiny tunic and yanked him toward her, driving her knee into his crotch with every ounce of strength that she could bring to bear. He screamed, doubling forward, and she grabbed for the control device.

Feebly he hung on, stumbling forward a few steps and clutching at the injured area. Her own equilibrium was thrown off by the shift in her center of gravity, caused by the almost full-term baby, and Lori fought for balance as she yanked at the control. Tempus resisted as she tugged, and then lurched clumsily after her. Together they tumbled from the window onto a grassy hillside.

She staggered as her feet hit grass and stones, and her hand encountered the rough bark of a tree trunk. She caught it, managing to stay on her feet, and pivoted clumsily around to see Tempus only feet away, still clutching the control device and grasping weakly for her. Her knee had obviously done some good, for his movements were weak and uncoordinated, which, considering her own condition, was a good thing. Taking advantage of her enemy's apparent lack of any scientific fighting skills, she slapped him across the bridge of the nose with the flat of her free hand and followed it up with a kick to the spot where her knee had already connected once.
Lori driving her point home (so to speak) was an explosive climax to a great fighting scene clap

Quote
He was spreading the tiny drop of blood on a slide when a flicker of motion at the corner of his eye made him look up. The rectangle had appeared again, only this time he could have sworn that it had acquired an eye.

The eye was brown, he noticed now, and was, to all appearances, human. It looked up, down and around, like Alice looking through the tiny door into Wonderland, and then the little rectangle vanished again, blinking out as if it had never been.
The eye scene with Bernie looking through the miniature portal was mysterious and inspired!

Quote
"Do you remember," Lori said cautiously, "what H.G. Wells told you and Clark on your honeymoon night, just before you went into the past to undo Baron Tempos's curse?"

"He told us several things," Lois said, with equal caution. "Which one are you talking about?"

"He told you that your souls were intertwined, always together, never one without the other. Soulmates."

Lois was staring at her, and there was comprehension in her eyes. "You're —"

Lori took a deep breath like a diver ready to plunge from the cliff into the churning water below. "I'm you."
I couldn't quote the entire scene but this whole Lori meeting Lois is just such wonderful fun. I absolutely loved it.

Quote
"I don't want to eat your dinner," Lori objected.

"The chicken's not dinner," Lois said. "That's my snack. I don't cook very well — but I guess you know that."
I'll just... rotflol for a bit rotflol if that's all right with you. rotflol

Quote
"Clark is very easy to love, as I'm sure you know. We were married two months later."

"I guess he decided not to waste time," Lois said. "He does learn if you hit him over the head often enough. Did he tell you about me right away — about having my soul?"
clap

Quote
Lois gave Lori a little push toward him and she was suddenly flinging herself into his arms. He wrapped them around her, burying his face in her hair.

"Lori," he whispered. "Oh god; I thought I'd lost you."

"I was so afraid I'd never see you again," she said. He could feel the little shivers shaking her body.

In the room beyond, he was aware of his mother and father getting abruptly to their feet. He hugged Lori again. "I guess Mom and Dad don't know the whole story?" he said.

She shook her head. "They just got here."

"Then I think we'd better tell them what's going on before they kill me," he said, looking up to see his mother's irate face. Lois, on the other hand, looked surprisingly calm. In fact, she was smiling.

"Martha, it's all right," Lois said. "It's not what it looks like."

Martha Kent stopped her advance on her son and glanced at Lois. "Then, what is it?" she asked. "Is this the other Clark again?"

"No," Clark said.

"Maybe you'd better explain," Lois said. "You'd probably better hurry, though. My Clark could be back any second."
And this. This is always such a great reunion.

I already said I love the series, so... yeah....

wave Michael

Last edited by Darth Michael; 05/09/24 04:10 AM. Reason: more quotes

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