Chapter 3
He'd been late again. No surprise there. And she'd fretted and checked the clock far too often despite how desperately she wanted not to care. After last night...well, she wasn't even sure what to feel. Anger and fear and hurt and worry were all fighting in the War of Ambivalence in her heart.
She missed competitive Clark, who would waltz in 45 minutes late boasting a Superman story like the early bird who'd gotten the worm. He was easy to be irritated with. She missed protective Clark, who would wait all night outside her apartment to make sure she was all right when her life was in danger. He was easy to appreciate.
Hell, she even missed angry Clark, who would challenge her best story ideas because they were "unsafe" or "not well-thought-out." He was easy to be angry with.
But this Clark…
She'd been furious and worried as she'd waited this morning, resentful that the newsroom felt so empty without him. And then it hadn't been, suddenly. She'd known when the elevator had chimed that it had been him. Damn him for making her so attuned to him, like she now had some otherworldly sixth sense about his presence.
She wanted to be outraged at his latest offense of running off. Pissed that he'd agreed so earnestly to talk with her, finally, but then flagrantly disappeared. Offended that he hadn't even bothered with a marginally believable excuse. Infuriated that he hadn't even bothered to call.
And she was. Some of those things. In small amounts.
They'd given her the strength to get herself out of bed and to work, because damn Clark Kent for making her care. They'd fueled her need to get through the mayor's press briefing this morning.
And then he'd come in without even a word to her...and headed straight for the coffee.
Now that all her angry emotions had all but dissipated in his wake, she was left with this overwhelming sense of worry and hurt. She did her best to focus on typing up her notes from the briefing instead of watching him make their coffees.
He cleared his throat as he approached with her coffee. She nodded her head slightly, indicating that he should put the mug down on her desk. After a beat, she stopped typing and looked up at him wordlessly.
"Good morning, Lois," he said, a trepidatious look on that face of his. He even managed half a smile for her.
That face...and the way her heart pulsed slightly out of sync whenever he said her name. She averted her gaze quickly and focused intensely on her coffee. Damn him and that face of his. How was she supposed to figure out her next move, concoct The Plan to Save Clark when she couldn't think straight?
She wrapped her hands around the mug and stared at the light brown liquid that undoubtedly had two calorie-free sweeteners and the perfect amount of non-fat creamer in it, already stirred, and somehow the perfect temperature. "How'd it go last night?" she asked, looking up again, trying to keep her tone light, unaccusing.
"I...uh…" He faltered for a second as if he wasn't sure what she was asking about.
And actually, she wasn't sure what she was asking about, either, since she knew for certain he hadn't run out to the drug store to buy a last-minute Mother's Day card two months late. But maybe it'd give him an opening?
"It went well. Everything worked out." He paused, as if waiting, yet dreading, a follow-up question.
Well, you're not getting one this time, Prince of Vaguery. She gave a half smile of her own and nodded before focusing back on her coffee.
"I'm so sorry again about leaving," he said quietly, sounding a bit defeated along with his usual chagrin.
She felt the annoyance start to rise, a reflex borne of unfortunate familiarity with his apologies about leaving. "I'm glad it went well," she said tightly, trying desperately to tamp down the irritation and the guilt that came with it.
She could see him shuffling his feet a bit nervously, as if he was deciding whether to attempt more of a conversation or head to the relative safety of his own desk. He was trying. She was, too, but it was wholly unfair that she couldn't be mad at him right now.
"Are you…mad?" he ventured.
She held her breath, afraid of what she might say out loud. Of course, she was mad. But more than that, she was hurt. But she couldn't tell him either of those things. Not right now when he was clearly not all right.
Dr. Frisken had said he must be afraid of commitment, but now with this added element of grief and whatever else was going on with him...Lois just wasn't sure anymore.
She looked up at his face, that face. And though it was pained and apprehensive, at least it wasn't impassive. She softened her voice and said, "Let's just focus on work, okay?"
Clark seemed to take it for the small peace offering that it was. He pulled her guest chair closer and took a seat at her desk. Not too close, thankfully. Lois wasn’t sure if she would be able to maintain her professional distance if she caught the scent of his familiar cologne--woodsmoke with a hint of peppermint.
She reviewed her notes from yesterday with him, updating him on the attempted contacts with their sources. There wasn't much new on the Intergang story, unfortunately. Intergang was far reaching and insidious, and they were good at eliminating loose ends, which left them currently at a dead end. She assured Clark that someone would slip up, and they'd be there to catch them.
After a beat of awkward silence, he mumbled something about needing to check his work email and moved back to his desk. She said something airily about checking in with him later, and she bit back a sigh of relief that he was no longer nearby.
She wasn’t used to being thrown off kilter like this--not around Clark of all people. For so long, partners had been an easy thing for them to be. And then things started to change between them. He wasn’t just her partner and best friend. Suddenly, he was a man she might have--no, did have--very real feelings for. It was as if the enchantment with Superman had finally worn off, and in its place was the realisation that Clark was quite possibly everything she’d ever wanted in a man. He was kind, funny, sexy, and oh-so thoughtful…that is, when he wasn’t abandoning her mid-conversation to mow his neighbor's cousin's mother-in-law's lawn.
She pushed down the surge of annoyance that reared its head once more. Sometimes she hated her newfound attraction towards her partner. She’d been certain for the longest time that Clark had feelings for her. And then he’d confirmed it by confessing those feelings just as she had gotten engaged to Lex Luthor.
She’d turned him down then, insisting that she just didn’t see him that way. At the time, she had been angry at Clark. He'd changed so much with his confession and it terrified her. She had needed Clark to be her constant--the best friend and partner she could count on to never change. And then he had changed. He'd gone and changed the rules on her without any warning and she hadn't been ready. The thought of losing Clark on top of everything else had just been too much. So she'd panicked and told him she could never love him.
She winced as she remembered how hurt he’d been by her rejection--how crushed. There wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t wish she could go back and do things differently--warn herself that Lex Luthor was not who he pretended to be.
But maybe also warn herself that Superman was not the answer, either. She knew now in hindsight that throwing herself at Superman had been a subconscious cry for help. She hadn't fully understood the level to which Lex had gone to in order to sever all ties from her old life--including driving a wedge between her and Clark.
And Superman, while noble and heroic, was not the man she wanted to be with. He was the fantasy, and Clark was reality. For once, she wanted something real.
Now, though, after an amazing first date and a mind-blowing first kiss, everything was on hold. Clark himself seemed on hold. Grief was funny like that, and she couldn't help but feel that there was a lot of guilt going on there for him, too.
She wished she could just talk to him--really talk to him without any distractions. Somewhere where it would be too difficult for him to run off with no more than a flimsy excuse. Somewhere that, maybe, she could help take his mind of the tragedy of it all and get some much needed rest.
If only they had a story that wasn't really a story, especially if it was far enough that he wouldn't have anywhere to run away to.
And suddenly she had an idea. A totally crazy, flying by the seat of her pants, no way it would ever work sort of idea. She wasn't sure of all the details yet, so she'd have to improvise.
"Do you need any help wrapping up the press conference brief?" Clark asked.
Lois jumped slightly. She hadn’t even noticed he had sat back down at her desk again. Already, this seemed like more conversation than they'd had in the previous two days combined. Well, at least it felt that way. She wasn't used to Clark doing much, let alone speaking, this past week. He seemed to be making an effort of some sort today, though, maybe aiming for forgiveness for his latest escape?
"No, thank you," she said with more calm in her voice than she was feeling. She tried adding some nonchalance. "It should only take me 20 minutes or so to wrap it up." She grabbed a folder from the opposite side of her desk and plopped it down in front of him. "Remember that corrupt mining company we were looking into? The one that possibly poisoned the town’s water supply up in the Culvert Mountains? Got a tip.”
He nodded, taking the folder from her as she offered it. “I thought that was a dead end,” he said, questioningly.
He was right, it had been a dead end. Though they were both certain that a cover up had taken place, there had been no evidence to support their theory, and thus Perry had taken them off of it. Lois had kept the file on the backburner, though, just in case. Earlier that morning, Bobby had called her with some information and, though Lois was fairly sure that information would lead them nowhere where the story was concerned, it would be an excuse to go on a road trip all alone with her partner. A chance to talk without any distractions. If she could convince him it was legitimate, of course. She was pretty certain that Perry would back her on it, given Clark's circumstances.
“It was," she acknowledged. "But now there’s been movement.” Okay, so that wasn’t entirely true. “Bobby said he has a source in the Mayor’s office that was willing to testify to being asked to alter the water treatment records. I think we should go talk to him.”
Clark eyed her doubtfully. “You think this tip is worth the four-hour drive each way? What if it doesn't pan out?”
“It will! When has Bobby ever let us down?” She put up a hand to silence him. “Don’t answer that.”
He pursed his lips and didn’t say anything.
“I know there’s something here, Clark. I can feel it.” The something wasn’t a story, but still. “C’mon. Think of the difference we’ll make in these people’s lives if we break the story.”
She felt terrible appealing to his sense of justice and humanity, taking advantage of it, but she needed this to make a difference in his life. Besides, there was still the odd chance that the tip wasn’t a total dud.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, fine. But if Perry doesn’t think it’s solid enough, you’ll let it go?” he asked. “There are plenty of people right here in Metropolis who need our help, too.”
She fought back a frown. He usually loved road trips with her. “Deal!” she said with a little more enthusiasm than she’d intended, knowing that Perry would agree to this unofficial time off for Clark in an instant. “Just let me finish up the mayor thing, plus I need to make a few phone calls, and then we'll talk to Perry."
"Sounds like a plan," he said, only a hint of a smile reaching his lips.
She really hoped this worked. She didn’t know what she’d do otherwise.
*** *** ***
Clark returned home from work feeling entirely defeated. He wasn’t sure why. He should feel elated. Lois didn’t hate him. In fact, she seemed oddly willing to give him a second chance despite everything that had happened--despite the way he had been treating her.
All he’d ever wanted was for Lois to give him a chance. He’d loved her for so long, that the idea of her loving him back had been all that sustained him at times. But to know that his mistakes had been responsible for the loss of someone’s life--Mayson's life....
The worst part was, he didn’t regret the kiss. He wanted to regret it. He should regret it. And yet, deep down he knew that, even if he could go back to change it, he wasn’t sure he would.
What kind of man thought that way? Certainly no hero.
He sat down on his couch with a sigh and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. He was feeling more than a little overwhelmed as it was, but now with this work trip on top of everything else, he wasn’t sure how he was going to cope.
He knew how Lois could be on a story. She was relentless. She would pursue the truth with dogged determination. Watching her, being partnered with her, was one of the aspects of life at the Planet that Clark loved the most. It was been exhilarating, electrifying, and more than a little sexy. There was a fire inside her unlike anything he’d ever seen.
And now this trip. There was no way they would be able to get there and back in one day. They would need to stay somewhere. He remembered the last time they stayed in a hotel room together while working on a story. He remembered the games they’d played, the sexual tension in the air. And that kiss.
And although the kiss in the Lexor Hotel had been subterfuge to protect their cover, it had quickly turned into something more--something that caused his body to react viscerally to the memory even now. He would never forget the way she’d reacted--surprised at first, but then eagerly, hungrily even.
He wanted it to happen again more than he was willing to admit. He desperately wanted her to kiss her that way again--his body covering hers, the soft sigh as she responded to him. Staying in a hotel with her would make that so tempting. Especially since she seemed so willing lately--so genuinely interested.
But he couldn’t. He knew the consequences now. He knew what could happen if he allowed himself to forget he was Superman, even for ten seconds.
It was just as well that they wouldn't be staying in the same room. There was no need to go undercover on this trip.
He stood up and paced his apartment, feeling restless and aggravated in a way that he wasn’t used to. What was this feeling? And why couldn't he shake it?
He found himself picking up the phone and dialing his parents’ phone number. It wasn’t until he heard his mother’s voice that he realised what he had done.
“Hello? Clark? Is that you?”
“Yeah, Mom, it’s me,” he said, suddenly feeling slightly panicked. What on Earth was he supposed to tell them? Why had he called? It must have been instinct. He’d always called his parents in the past in order to get advice or to simply just talk about what he was going through.
But he hadn’t called since Mayson died. He couldn’t. He always thought he could tell them everything.
But not this.
“It’s been a while,” said his dad’s comforting voice. “How are you, son?”
“I’m, uh…fine, Dad.” Did he just lie to his parents? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that. Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember when he’d called them last. Was it the day of the funeral? He thought so, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember how long ago that was. The days had blurred together. What was wrong with him? “Just called to check in on you and Mom.”
“Oh, we’re doing well,” his mom said and she launched into an update of all the comings and goings in Smallville, Kansas. Clark only half-listened, grateful for the relief that was his mother’s news updates.
“…and Rachel is engaged! Can you believe it? Nice man. I think he works at the bank. Clark? Clark, are you listening?”
“Huh?” Clark shook his head, and forced himself back to reality. How did she know he’d been off in his own world? Despite being Superman, he sometimes thought his mom was the one who had super powers. “Sorry, Mom, I was distracted.”
“Are you sure you’re okay, honey?” Her voice was softer now, concerned, and Clark had to fight the emotions that suddenly rose to the surface. And even though he was capable of being in Smallville in minutes if he so chose, he found himself missing his parents with a ferocity that surprised him. He wasn’t used to feeling distanced from them.
“I’m fine, Mom, I promise,” he replied, and despite not being able to see their faces, he knew that it had convinced neither of them. “It’s just been tough...at work.”
“Uh-huh,” came his mother’s voice and he couldn’t help but notice the tinge of worry in it. “How are you, really? We haven’t heard from you since the funeral.”
He swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat.
“I’m okay.” Liar.
“You know you don’t have to be, right?” his mom was asking him softly. “I know that the two of you were...friends.”
“We were,” he acknowledged, trying to keep the panic from bubbling up once more. “But I’m coping. I promise.”
He wasn’t sure what else he should say. Part of him wanted to tell them everything, but a larger part of him told him to stay quiet. He worried they wouldn’t see him the same way if they knew. Oh, he knew they would love him unconditionally, but he couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing them...of letting them know that their son was the kind of man who could be so selfish. The kind of man who had failed to save a person’s life, yet could only think about what he’d lost himself.
“Do you need us to come up, Clark?” his dad was asking. “We can take the next flight out.”
“I’ve told you before not to waste your money on air travel,” Clark told his dad as he wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses. He was suddenly beyond tired. “And I’m fine. Really. Besides, Lois and I are going out of town. A lead on a story came up, and we have to drive to Wallerton. Might be a few days.”
“Lois, huh?” his mother said, her voice taking on that sing-song tone that it always did when Lois was mentioned. Normally, he was able to take her teasing in stride, but today the sound of it made his skin crawl. “Going away for a few days, huh?”
“For work,” he said through slightly gritted teeth. The last thing he wanted to do was take his anger at himself out on his mom. “Nothing more.”
“Thought you two had started dating,” his dad said, attempting a casual tone that Clark could see right though.
“Sort of,” he said vaguely. He suddenly found himself desperately wanting out of this phone conversation. “It’s a long story. Look, I’m really tired and tomorrow is going to be a long drive, so I really should be going. I’ll see you guys next week for dinner, okay?”
“All right,” his mom said, though he could still hear the worry behind her words. He hadn’t fooled them at all. “But if you need anything you call us.”
“I will,” he promised, though he knew it was an empty one. Just add it to the list, he thought. “I love you guys.”
