Chapter 4
This was not going well. They’d been in the car for hours now, and all Lois could think of was how difficult it suddenly was for the two of them to really connect. It had never been like this before.
They had always been so in sync, hardly ever a lull in their conversations. And when there were lulls, the silences were comfortable, companionable. Now everything was just hard. Stilted, superficial conversations and weighty, oppressive silences.
She'd give anything to go back in time a few weeks to when she'd merely been stressing about whether or not it was a good idea to attempt a relationship with Clark. That unease had been bearable, even kind of nice, if she admitted it, to have the butterflies of potential and uncertainty. Now, she knew unequivocally it was what she wanted. Ironically, the moment she finally felt sure of her feelings for him, he felt farther away from her than ever. Lois had no idea what he was thinking or feeling.
She’d been so sure of her fly-by-night plan working that she hadn't actually worked out the details of what she'd say, how she'd approach the difficult topic. She'd been foolish to think that it would just unfold naturally like most of their conversations, that the privacy and intimacy of the enclosed car would help him feel more like opening up.
Instead, she was frustrated that he was being so intractable. She was trying to hold back her irritation, but it seemed nearly impossible getting him to talk. She knew he wasn’t being purposefully obstinate, as he sometimes did just needle her, but he was definitely on edge, and it was making her feel on edge.
She’d wanted a captive audience. Well, now she had one. And he was acting every part the caged and frightened animal. Had she done this to him?
The weather seemed to echo her mood. It was oppressively hot as well as slightly smoky. Lois knew this area was prone to forest fires, and though they had yet to encounter any, she knew the conditions were ripe for the slightest thing to set off sparks.
She snuck a glance at him out of the corner of her eye and tried to ignore the way her heart sped up ever so slightly as she watched him fighting with the map that he’d unfolded, muttering under his breath as his tie kept getting in the way.
“We really don’t need that,” she told him, but then instantly regretted the words. She wasn’t trying to start a fight. “This is the only road that goes through to Wallerville,” she said in a softer tone.
“I just like to be prepared,” Clark replied with a tired sigh, though he did fold the map back up and put it in the glove box.
“Lemme guess, Boy Scouts?” she teased, hoping a different tack might work better, bring some lightheartedness to their conversation. To her great relief, he took the bait and offered a half a smile back; only half, but at least it was a real one.
“My mom, actually,” he said sheepishly. “She told me that any time I go somewhere remote, to carry a map and know the area. We’ve never been up here, so I thought it best to have a look.”
“Good thinking, farmboy,” Lois said, grateful to have found some semblance of their usual playful banter. While normally the unofficial rules of their banter would call for another teasing barb next, she thought that unwise. She went with a casual knowledge question instead. "I'll bet you have hundreds of maps given all the remote places you've been, don't you?”
"Yeah," he said softly. "It's quite the collection. Several different languages, too. Maybe I'll show you them and my travelogues sometime."
“Promises, promises,” she murmured half-jokingly, enjoying the moment so much that she almost missed the shadow that passed over his face. There was a small part of her that was tempted to ignore it. If she didn’t say anything, they could stay in this happy bubble a little while longer. And yet, she knew that this was the whole point of the trip--to address the elephant in the room. She took a deep breath. “Did I say something wrong?”
A beat.
“Clark?”
“It’s just…” Clark trailed off, clearly struggling to voice what he was thinking. “I’ve made a lot of promises to you and...others. And I know I haven’t kept them all. I’m...I’m sorry.”
She was tempted to cave right there and tell him that everything was fine. His warm brown eyes looked at her so full of worry that she found it difficult to remember her earlier irritation. But everything wasn't fine; he wasn't fine.The whole point of the trip was to break down the wall he'd built around himself. This was the first crack he'd shown in…in...well, honestly, ever since the funeral. She would never get a better opportunity than right now to press him for it.
Before she could say anything, though, a sudden streak of lightning in the distance followed by the sky lighting up like the Fourth of July caused both her and her partner to jump in their seats.
“Did you see that?” Clark asked, suddenly very on edge. It made sense. He’d grown up on a farm in a state where the bulk of the land was flat. Not a lot of opportunities for forest fires in Kansas, she imagined.
“Heat lightning,” she replied absently. "It's caused by the hot summer air."
"Actually, it's lightning from a thunderstorm too far away to see the cloud-to-ground finish or hear the thunder that goes with it," Clark said, as he played with the knot of his tie.
Lois felt annoyance surge within her, but then did her best to tamp it down. Why did he always have to know everything? She took a deep breath. At least he was talking. She sighed. “I bet there were already some forest fires burning before this. They are fairly common in this area, and it’s been smoky for a while.”
He tensed as she spoke, and she cast a nervous glance into the distance. Getting caught in a forest fire or stranded in the middle of nowhere wasn’t part of the plan. Maybe it wouldn’t come to anything, she thought.
Yet even as she thought that, she could see the smoke rising in the distance. It was clear the lightning had hit something. Whether that would impact their route remained to be seen, but she could feel Clark tense beside her.
The next forty-five minutes were anxious and quiet, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Lois wasn’t sure why, but she felt like her moment to talk to Clark had passed, at least for now. Something had changed in him the moment the lightning had come down in the distance, and any further attempts to engage him in conversation had resulted in more short answers and a refusal to even meet her eyes.
Desperate for any sort of distraction, Lois found herself reaching over and turning on the radio. She fiddled with the knob until she found the local radio station and left it there, hoping their newscast would give them some indication of what was to come on the road ahead.
The radio DJ could be heard giving an update on the area just outside of Wallerville. An additional forest fire had indeed been ignited by the lightning, and already some people had died. She only heard bits and bobs of it, trying to maintain her concentration on the road--on a route that was becoming increasingly smoky.
Superman will handle it, she reasoned. This was exactly the sort of thing that he would hear with that super hearing of his; it wasn't too far outside of Metropolis for him, surely. Though far more urgent, and hopefully more within her control than a wildfire, she needed to consider her and Clark's immediate situation.
Now, though, Lois was beginning to worry that they wouldn’t make their destination. She’d called ahead and inquired about places to stay in Wallerville and had been informed there was a gorgeous bed and breakfast up there, but she hadn’t actually booked anything yet. She'd kind of wanted to read the mood first after their four-hour drive before she decided. Their choices were essentially cute bed and breakfasts or utilitarian motels.
She’d hoped that by the time they got there, met with their fake source, and decided it was a dead end, things between them would be in a better spot and maybe, just maybe, Clark would see the charm in the bed and breakfast as well and the potential for a bit of rest and recharging.
She caught her mind wandering to the last time they'd stayed in a hotel together. This was neither the time nor the place to think about that kiss in the honeymoon suite. She definitely did not need that distraction right now.
Anyway, she'd had her high hopes set on a bed and breakfast in Wallerville Now, who knows what would happen? Good thing I didn’t make a reservation, she thought. The Gods seem determined to ruin my plans.
“You’re driving awfully fast, you know,” Clark said. It was the first thing he’d said in a good long while, and Lois felt inexplicably irritated by the fact that all he’d had to offer was a criticism of her driving. She'd been trying so hard to get him to open up.
"I'm not speeding," she retorted, unable to help herself. He was acting too much like petulant Clark. She bit her lip. She knew he wasn't himself right now, though. It was more like defensive Clark than petulant. She took a beat to calm herself. Fighting would help nothing right now.
"Not if you're in Canada," he shot back, "but in case you've forgotten, we use miles per hour."
Or maybe Clark just needed to emote something, anything? Even despite Clark's current circumstances, she couldn't help it that his snarky barbs always got under her skin. "I'm going a reasonable and prudent speed to keep up with traffic," she said tightly, trying to control her reaction, yet unable to believe he was choosing this time and place to pick a fight. Days and days of no talking, now this.
"Lois, there is no traffic," he pointed out, an edge to his normally patient voice. "You're only keeping up with yourself...and possibly the Roadrunner."
Really, Clark? she thought. "I'm aware of that," she replied testily. She flinched inwardly at the tone of her response. That wasn't fair, was it? Maybe anger and snark was all he had to work with right now? She was certainly no stranger to that. She managed to pause and take a deep breath before softening her tone. "But the driving conditions are getting worse, and I was hoping we'd be able to reach Wallerville before we can't see anything at all."
Couldn’t he see the situation in front of them? If they didn’t get there soon, they might not get there at all, and Superman would likely be too busy with the fire to help them out if they ended up stranded by a roadside. It wasn’t as if he was AAA.
“Why don’t we turn around?” Clark suggested. He seemed almost desperate to get out of the car. “I thought I saw an exit about half a mile back. I could...try and find a payphone?"
Lois scoffed to cover the hurt she was feeling; she couldn't help it. He was panicking to get out of the car...get away from her? What was wrong with him? This didn't even make any sense. And they'd just made a pit stop not too long ago, so surely it wasn't nature calling.
What, are you going to go call Superman? she thought angrily. She tried desperately to work on her breathing...remembering back to one of Dr. Frisken's sessions where she'd felt...well, triggered by Clark's seemingly endless need to escape her presence. It hurt. Really hurt. And it was getting harder and harder to push that aside. Especially when their verbal sparring was more comfortable territory. She clenched her jaw to bite back her instinctual reply, and instead asked, aiming for a mix of logic and compassion, "And call who? I'm pretty sure Superman is a little busy at the moment. And I doubt roadside assistance will fare any better than us. I'm sorry," she added at the end for good measure.
"I don't know," Clark said with a frustrated shake of his head. "I could call emergency services and see if the road ahead is closed. We might have to head back home if it is.”
Lois ignored him, trying to gather her wits and control her breathing again amidst the most awkward fight they'd ever had. "Oh, hang on. There's another update!" she said, turning up the radio, and all too grateful for the interruption.
<This just in, Highway 20 is closed between exit 321 and 375 just before Wallerville. Anyone on this road between these two exits is advised to take exit 365 into Culvert Junction while emergency services try to contain the blaze.>
“Looks like there’s no turning back,” Lois said to Clark heavily. How had things gone so wrong? And why hadn’t the announcer mentioned Superman's arrival yet? “Looks like we’re headed to Culvert Junction.”
“That can’t be right,” Clark said, his voice slightly strangled. “There’s got to be somewhere we can stop.”
“There isn’t. I'm sorry,” Lois said, willing him to hear the patience and concern in her voice. “You heard the update. Even Superman is late to this mess. We’ll just have to keep going until we get to exit 365.”
“Lois, I can’t…we have to stop, I have to…”
“You have to what, Clark?” she interrupted, slightly exasperated. But then when she saw his face, she was more than a little concerned by the slightly panicked look she saw. Did he have a fear of fire or something? All of his actions, his tone, his words...they were all screaming at her that Clark was not okay. But what did she do? She wished desperately not to be warring with her emotions right now.
He opened and closed his mouth, unable to come up with anything.
She softened her voice. “What do you have to do? What can you do? Our options are fairly limited."
Still no response. Other than some exaggerated looking through windows. Front. Back. Side. Looking for who knows what.
"I don't know what's wrong if you don't tell me," she pleaded.
Clark looked out the window, a wild and almost desperate look in his eyes. She heard him mutter something under his breath. A number of some kind. Five, was it?
“Clark talk to me,” she said, her voice a bit gentler now. She had no idea why, but this forest fire had brought something to the surface, and she was damned if she would just sit by while he dealt with it alone, even if her emotions were sounding warning bells all over the place, trying to protect her from potential hurt. They were partners, damn it. They still had that much. “Tell me what’s going on with you. Please.”
The tone of her voice must have distracted Clark enough for him to glance at her for a moment. He seemed to be contemplating something as he looked at her--almost as if he was weighing her in his mind in order to decide if he could trust her with whatever it was. The answer must have been no, because he shook his head and looked back out the window. She tried not to feel her heart plummeting.
“I can’t,” he said, his jaw clenched in a grim frown. “Can we just find somewhere to stop? A gas station, roadside diner, anything. I need some air.”
Lois gave in and hit the brakes impulsively, bringing the car to a screeching halt on the shoulder of the road. They were going to have this out before they reached the exit if it was the last thing she did.
“Lois, what on Earth are you doing?” he exclaimed as he pitched forward with the momentum of the car. “Can we get moving please?”
“No,” Lois said stubbornly, her chin jutting out in defiance. She'd told herself this weekend was about Clark, helping him with his pain, helping him cut through his grief and find some peace. But she couldn't pretend she wasn't hurt any longer. She wasn't that strong. “Do you think I’m blind? I know you and Mayson had a connection. And now she’s gone and you haven’t dealt with your grief; you're just shoving it down. And there's something else, too, something big that's bothering you, and I could understand that if only you’d just tell me, but you keep shutting me out. Why? If nothing else, I'm supposed to be your best friend. Why won't you let me in?”
“I’m not trying to shut you out,” Clark said, and she noted that, once again, he seemed to be only half focusing on their conversation. Something else had caught his attention. He had that look of urgency in his eyes again, and Lois felt more frustrated and hurt than ever.
“Then don’t,” she all but pleaded. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I want to,” he told her. Something in his eyes begged her to understand him, to forgive him. Any other time, any other day that look would have been enough. That face, his soulful and tortured Clark face.
“Look, it's fine,” she said softly with a sad sigh, sparing him the need to come up with a reason and sparing herself from hearing the dreaded “but”. She put her foot back on the pedal and started accelerating once more and put the car back on the road. “It’s been a long day for both of us, so why don't we just try to make it to Culvert Junction in one piece and keep the radio on for updates? I’m sure Superman will be there any minute now.”
Clark’s expression went hard and his entire body rigid. She saw a look she’d never seen on his face before--cold and angrier than she’d ever seen him. A shiver passed over her.
“Superman,” he muttered, looking out the window once more. “Right.”
