Authors' Note: It all started one day when lovetvfan needed a break from her current, novel-length WIP. So she was looking for a short distraction. Meanwhile, over on the L&C Fanfic MBs, QueenoftheCapes had just created and posted a newfangled Title Generator (
https://www.lcficmbs.com/ubb/ubbthreads.php/topics/291078/title-generator-challenge#Post291078). Well, lovetvfan clicked and clicked again...until something clicked. This title. And then she told KSaraSara and showed her the first few heartbreaking lines. Neither of them remember how the exact conversation went down, but it was decided that lovetvfan would write the angst and then KSaraSara would fix it in the companion piece. Somehow, the plan changed to include a triptych of vignettes: angst (lovetvfan), angst (KSaraSara), resolution (lovetvfan & KSaraSara).
Please enjoy our short, angsty journey, and let us know what you think!
Summary:Lois and Clark have some pretty painful conversations during Barbarians at the Planet. It seems like all they can do is hurt each other, and you can only wonder what’s going on in their heads as they’re taking turns breaking each others’ hearts. And what are they planning to do with all these feelings and all this hurt? This is Lois’ story.Why I Will Hurt You (Lois)I lied to you today. Right to your face.
You told me you loved me, and I looked into those wonderfully open brown eyes and told you I only think of you as a friend.
That I could never love you.
You didn’t even try to disguise the hurt. It was written across every single inch of your face.
You’re a terrible poker player, but then…I knew that.
Your feelings have never been as secret as you think they’ve been. I’ve just gotten good at pretending I haven’t noticed the gentle glances, the lingering way you say my name, or the way you remember to bring me coffee every morning without fail.
I pretended I secretly didn’t love the way you would find excuses to touch me or the way you’d get jealous over my ridiculous crush on a man who literally came from the sky.
You might as well give me the Oscar right now because I am the world’s best actress.
But it’s all for your own good. Even though it might hurt. I’ve let this go on far too long. Pretended that things could be different…allowed myself to dream.
But it’s hurting you and so it has to stop.
Somehow, I have to make you see. All I will ever do is hurt you. If I let my guard down, eventually you will pay the price. And I care about you far too much. For my own good too. You see, I’ve allowed myself to fall as well.
And so I look at you as you tell me you love me, and I tell you I can never feel the same.
I’d like to thank the Academy for this award.
The look on your face almost breaks my resolve. Almost. But I know I have to stay the course. I’m not good at relationships. Eventually they all leave. I drive them away.
I drive them away by being too much…too tough, too strong, too driven, too…me. I watched the same thing happen to my mother, so I know it’s genetic. The curse of the Lane women? Lucy has never had a stable relationship either.
The difference is that she keeps trying. She has this eternal optimism that reminds me of you. She believes the next one might be the one this time.
I used to believe that.
And yes, there is someone else. Okay two, someone else’s. But it’s not what you think. I’ve lied to you there too.
Led you to believe that I genuinely might have feelings for a man whose coldness and power makes him just as closed off as I am.
I don’t feel for him the same way I do for you. I can’t. And yet, I am considering binding myself to him in a way that might be permanent. Because I don't see any other way to keep you close to me.
I don’t even feel for the other man – the one who fell out of the sky – the same way I feel for you. Although when it comes to him, I at least get a little closer. He has all your best qualities. It's a compliment really, though I doubt you'd see it that way.
I know, I know. Too many men. See? I’m bad news.
I just hope that when the dust settles you can forgive me. Forgive me for what I had to do and for what I am about to do.
I have asked so much of you. More than a best friend has any right to.
I told you I couldn't love you, and then I asked you to bring him to me...the other man. The one I've fawned over, compared you to and measured you against. The one who reminds me of you in all the best ways. The one who is just as out of reach to me as I am to you.
I know it hurts you, but you do it anyway. For me. Because I asked.
I think if I asked for the moon, you'd find a way to get it for me.
And that terrifies me.
Because I want so badly to ask.
Instead, I ask him. Or rather, I tell him. I say to him all the things I want to say to you. All the things I can't say to you.
And he rejects me the same way. He tells me he can't love me. Which I already knew, but needed to hear.
Poetic justice, right?
It hurts more than I thought it would, all things considered. But maybe that's because he's just a little bit angry with me, though I don't understand why.
Maybe he's not like you after all. Maybe nobody is.
You're a tough act to follow.
Not even Gods measure up.
So now what do I do? Who do I talk to? It used to be you. Late nights at the Planet with you bringing the most delicious take out from mysterious restaurants known only to you. I don’t even mind you editing my copy anymore.
Okay, well I mind a little.
But it won’t ever happen again because it’s all gone. The Planet, the take out, Perry, Jimmy…my whole world.
And…you?
Will you ever forgive me? I can’t forget that look on your face. That look that says I hurt you. If it helps, it hurt me too. Nobody gets out of this unscathed.
But I can fix it. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I can. I will.
I have to.
You won’t like it at first. I’m not even sure I do. It involves the other man – the one you warned me about. You said he’s dangerous. A criminal. Evil.
I don’t know what to believe. Maybe you said it because I hurt you.
Do you know how angry you get when you speak of him? How dark your eyes get? I’m not used to seeing such darkness from you. You’re always so gentle.
But this is what happens when I let people get too close. This is my fault.
But given time, I’m sure you will come around. We can rebuild. You can come to work with me again, and it could be like it was.
Friends. Best friends.
It’s all we can ever be.
And so I make my decision. To keep you, I have to hurt you one more time. I have to say yes to him – the one you warned me about. The one who makes your eyes go dark.
Because without him, I will lose you. We will drift apart and be nothing more than former colleagues. You’ll go on to a new job with a new best friend.Maybe this best friend will be able to love you the way I so desperately want to.
And you’ll forget me. I’ll be the co-worker who hurt you once and whose name you now struggle to remember.
And I should want those things for you because then you would be happy.
But I don’t want that. I want you by my side. No matter what. No matter how much it hurts.
I hate the fact that I can be so selfish. But you know that and you love me anyway.
Because without you, I am lost. I need you to guide me home. I need you to smile at me and laugh at my jokes. I need you to beat me at scrabble and to challenge me when I get too stubborn to see reason. I need you to keep me safe. You’ve always been both my sword and my shield. And I can’t let you go.
So this is why I will hurt you. Because I need you.
Because…I love you.
And it hurts.
