Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic So Far Away 3/21

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Chapter 3: Oh, These Twists and Turns of Fate
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Late February 1997
9 months, 14 Days Since Clark Left Home

"All of my regret; will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget; the way I feel right now
In these small hours, these little wonders..."

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas
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Clark felt himself slowly rousing from sleep, for the first time in forever, without a trace of the nightmares that had been plaguing him. He shifted onto his side and tried to settle further into the pillow that wasn't quite as soft as he remembered. But then a hand stroked his head and his senses filled with the familiar and comforting sound of Lois' heartbeat and the smell of a big country breakfast in a Kansas farmhouse.

Home.

He smiled and brought his free arm up to embrace his "pillow", not quite yet ready to get up or open his eyes. She continued to stroke his head, his shoulders, and brought her hand down to rub his back in a soothing gesture. He smiled again and let the peaceful, loving warmth blanket over him, and if he lay still enough, he could even feel his heart start to heal just a touch.

"Hey," he heard her say softly. "You ready to get up?"

"Uhhn mhm," he moaned and shook his head. "I like this pillow too much." He hugged her legs closer to him.

She laughed softly, and he felt the slight vibration of it run through him. "Well, your pillow unfortunately can't stay like this forever."

He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes to look up at her, pouting and trying to put on a pitiful face.

She smiled down at him and caressed his heavily stubbled cheek. Her eyes danced with a hint of mischief. "You know," she started in a whisper, "this look is pretty sexy on you. Like a rugged mountain man or something."

He felt a slow warmth spread through him. "So, you're saying I shouldn't shave?"

She gave him a small, flirty shrug and smile. "It couldn't hurt to leave it for a day or two."

He stretched up to her face as she was leaning down. Their lips met in a slow kiss, a touch of passion simmering below the surface. "Okay," he said against her lips, increasing the pressure lightly on her lips as he pulled her towards him.

"Oops, you'd better get used to this, Kallie, now that your Daddy is home," he heard his mom say with a chuckle from somewhere behind him.

Clark pulled away from Lois and sat up, shaking his head gently to clear the slight fog of confusion and the last remnants of sleep. It was still a big thing to get used to: He was Daddy. Instant fatherhood...he was grateful and unsettled all at once. Beyond grateful, really. He urged his mouth to form a smile that he hoped looked warm, happy, and confident.

He held his arms out towards his daughter. "Can I hold her?" he asked tentatively.

His mom mirrored his smile, but hers looked far more convincing than he was sure his did. "Of course, honey." She handed Kallie over, placing her gently in his arms. "Remember to support her head." She stepped back and looked at him with some sort of awe and tenderness, and he thought he saw her eyes shining a bit with unshed tears.

He looked down at his daughter. His daughter. No matter how many times he'd run the phrase through his head the past few days, he still couldn't quite believe it. But there she was, staring up at him with curiosity and a mild concern. Lois' eyes. His nose. Her smile. It didn't seem possible.

"Hey, little one," he said, pitching his tone a little higher and his volume a little softer. "Remember me? I'm...I'm your daddy," he told her as he ran one finger down her soft, tiny cheek.

She gurgled and kicked her legs out. And then she started crying. He tried not to act as panicked as he felt. Had he done something wrong?

His mom excused himself, saying something about getting the table set for breakfast.

Lois' hand came to rest gently on his arm. "It's okay, love. She's just hungry," she said softly. "Here, let me..." She reached for Kallie and he handed her over.

He watched her little lips start moving before Lois even had her settled, and he marveled at how it all worked, this natural expression of need and fulfillment and innate trust. And he felt a sharp pang of jealousy along with the deep ache of love so profound, he wasn't sure what to do with it.

As Kallie settled into suckling at Lois' breast, Clark again felt like he was intruding on a private moment. He shifted his gaze away and cleared his throat as he gestured awkwardly in the direction of the kitchen. "I, uh...should see if my mom needs help setting the—"

Lois stopped him with a hand on his knee. "Stay, Clark." She looked him in the eyes, and he could almost feel the love and reassurance she was trying to convey. "It's okay. I promise." She reached for his hand and intertwined her fingers with his, resting their joined hands back on his knee.

After a moment, when he'd settled back into the couch, still close enough to Lois that their hips were touching, she took their joined hands and brought them behind her neck and then pulled her hand away. He took the cue gratefully and leaned into her, putting his arm around her shoulders more fully and pulling her just that much closer.

She turned her head towards his and leaned in. He followed suit and captured her lips in another loving kiss, bringing his free hand up to cup the side of her face. He pulled back part way to look into her eyes, and he ran his thumb across her cheek, wishing he could freeze this moment in time so it could last just a little bit longer. "I love you. It almost feels...different now. Better...deeper...I don't know how to describe..." he trailed off, a lump forming in his throat. "But kind of overwhelming, too."

"I know," she said, leaning her cheek into his palm and turning ever so slightly to kiss it. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. "I know," she repeated softly. Then she looked down to Kallie and his eyes followed hers. "Look, Clark. Look what we did. Can you imagine anything more perfect?"

He couldn't. He really couldn't. "No, I can't," he whispered. He let the tears that had been building fall down his cheeks. He dropped his hand from her cheek and reached tentatively to stroke Kallie's cheek softly with his fingers. She opened her eyes at his touch, seemingly regarding him before her eyes sleepily closed again, all the while not to be distracted from her feeding.

He could feel a swell in his heart, a warmth radiating outward and filling him with peace, if only for this moment. If he focused, he could feel the thrum of their love flowing through him—a little, fluttering susurration and a stronger, steady surge from Lois—and he was instantly grateful for this part of his Kryptonian physiology, this connection.

*#*#*#*

Mid-May 1996
1 Day Since Clark Left Home

Clark was feeling inordinately distraught and tremendously...guilty, he supposed. He sat, examining his hands closely, on the marital bed in the bridal chamber in the nobles' wing of the Royal Transport that was essentially a huge floating palace. He couldn't even fully comprehend what was going on, but he was pretty sure that he'd just ceremonially ratified his birth marriage to Zara. And they'd been led here, their wrists tied together with a ceremonial golden rope, to...consummate things. That much he'd understood. Bed. Wife. Closed doors. And of course the fact that Trey had cheerfully announced, in English, that the union was complete, its consummation sanctioned by law.

After the doors had hissed shut, Zara had sympathetically excused herself to the adjoining bathroom to give him a little space. He suspected she needed a little space of her own, too.

It'd been a neverending bustle of activity and emotions for the greater part of the day. Since he'd left Earth—left Lois—not even a full day ago, he'd been shuttled about from place to place within the floating palace. He'd been paraded through ceremonial rites and customs he couldn't quite understand—and was pretty sure he didn't agree with—but he was having trouble keeping up with everything through the interpreter.

He'd never had to use one before, and, though he was quite adept at and knew several languages, hearing the foreign tones of Kryptonian spoken by everyone around him while the interpreter hurriedly fed him what seemed like only scraps of English...well, he was feeling more than disoriented. Out of his depth. Out of his element. Out of...his world.

And all the while, he knew with certainty that he needed to project an air of confidence and leadership. If he hadn't had years of practice as Superman, schooling his expression to match the tone of the event rather than what he was feeling on the inside, they would have surely kicked him off the ship by now. Though it shamed him to think it, he kind of wished they had seen fit to get rid of him. He was wholly unsure of...everything.

What exactly was his role to be? How on Earth was he supposed to be the answer to all their problems? How on... Krypton? New Krypton. Though currently they were still in the palace that was also a ship, heading towards the adopted planet of his people.

<<Kal-El?>> Zara's voice inside his head interrupted his thoughts.

"It's okay to come out," he said aloud, still not quite familiar with using his newfound skill of telepathy.

Yet another thing to get used to, but at least it wasn't half as awkward as the rest had been. He wondered if Zara expected...he suddenly panicked a bit.

He stood abruptly as she entered. He went to the small table to examine the ornate ceremonial wine chalice, running his fingers along the surface adorned with gems and images in relief. “Only one cup, eh?” he mused aloud, attempting and failing at a casual tone, desperate to delay the awkward conversation to come.

She came to stand opposite him, and she idly picked up the bottle of what Clark assumed as wine and examined it. She spoke plainly, “It is tradition for the bride and groom to share a ceremonial glass of wine to signify the union of houses." She put the wine down and fell silent for a moment.

“It's a huge glass. Do you think the whole bottle fits in there?” he couldn’t help but ask. “I’m sorry. That was dumb. It’s just...I’m not sure what to do here."

She looked up at him, her expression inscrutable, and recited, "L'ete ve'me com emmeg. Ozemo ta'me com, l'ete. Leo ze'me com ozemo."

"I'm sorry?" He felt like he'd heard that phrase several times today, but he couldn't remember what the words meant. Was she trying to throw him off balance even more? He'd thought she was at least somewhat on his side, given her feelings for Lieutenant Ching.

She walked slowly over to the edge of the bed and sat down, taking a moment to stare down at her fingers, her hands tented together. "It means: The Code before the nation. Nation before family. Family before self. It's our traditional toast," she said, sitting up straighter as though she'd forgotten she wasn't supposed to be so casual.

He chuffed lightly. "There's a lot of ceremony and tradition around here."

"You belittle and show disdain for your heritage, Kal-El," she admonished gently. "Your words belie your true thoughts, but it would be wise to keep such comments to yourself amongst larger company."

He hung his head and came to sit next to her at the foot of the bed. "I'm sorry."

"You know, Earth does have its own ceremony and tradition, far more sloppy and emotional than ours." She smiled slightly.

He smiled back. "Yeah," he said softly. "I suppose that's true."

"You profess you are unsure of what's to happen next." It wasn't a question, but she paused as if waiting for an answer.

"I mean...I...understand what's expected of us..." he trailed off, flustered. "I just...can't," he said, grimacing and bracing for what might come next. Surely, she didn't expect him to...

"Your heart isn't in this," she said, again a statement that was like a question.

"My heart? My heart is waiting for me on Earth," he paused, almost not wanting to say her name for fear it would hurt more. "Lois is my heart. I was an outsider there; incomplete, until I met her."

Zara watched him for a beat, smiling softly as she regarded his eyes.

He felt and saw a flash in his mind's eye. Lois' body beneath him, eager and ready. Lois' voice in his head, Make love to me, Clark. Felt himself—

"Sorry." Zara's voice shook him from the memory, so real and so vivid. He hadn't even closed his eyes, had he?

He looked over at her to find her ducking her head. "Apologies for the invasion, Kal-El. Your emotions bleed through."

"Oh," he breathed, unable to stop the blush from rising. "Is that what that was? Telepathy?"

She nodded, then said, "You saved yourself for her."

Another statement. Was she reading his mind even now? Is that why she didn't have to ask?

"Yeah," he said softly. "She was my first. My only."

She smiled broadly, the first like it he'd seen from her since they'd left Earth. "I've saved myself for Lieutenant Ching. It's very Kryptonian, actually."

"It is?" he asked, slightly dubious. Part of him wanted it to be true, meaningful in some way, so that he had more of a connection to his heritage, but he wondered if it even mattered, wondered what Zara had expected when he knew his heart wasn't in this marriage. His heart was back on Earth.

"It is." She nodded. "So you see, my heart's not in this, either."

Relief flooded through him. No one would have to know the marriage would never be consummated. He felt a small twinge of guilt for the deception and the more than likely illegality of their situation, but he wouldn't let himself dwell on it.

"You feel her absence deeply," she said.

He reached up to the neckline of his suit and pulled gently on the chain until Lois' wedding band emerged. He held the band between his thumb and forefinger.

"Did you know, Clark, that Kryptonians mate for life? Paired bonding, we call it."

He furrowed his brow.

"You're right," she acknowledged the question in his mind, "that we don't have time or necessity for love, especially as you know it. It's a part of our physiology that helps encourage and support strong unions and pure bloodlines."

"Oh," he said, somewhat deflated that this trait wasn't as romantic as it had initially sounded.

"It still is romantic." She paused for a beat. "It's true that, among the nobles especially, marriages are arranged, but that doesn't mean we don't have deep connections."

Clark still wasn't sure of the concept. "Paired bonding...it sounds a bit like soul mates?"

"Yes," she agreed. "It is very similar to Earth's concept of soul mates. But the bonding, the deep connection can happen with or without love."

"But...how..." He wasn't quite sure how to ask the question.

"You're wondering how a society built on arranged marriages, that seemingly lacks sentiment, and tells its people to disregard their own feelings can have something akin to soul mates?"

"I was trying to find a more delicate way of putting it." He grinned awkwardly, hoping she didn't take offense. "But Lieutenant Ching did say that carving out a life on a hostile homeland left you little time for kindness or love."

"It's true," she said sadly. "Living, surviving on New Krypton has rendered it necessary to forgo such luxuries as love and romance, even sometimes kindness. Such sentiment can prove dangerous, even fatal on New Krypton. But society has out of necessity evolved. We traded idealistic thinking for pragmatic. Compassion and leniency gave way to expediency. Forgoing intuitive thinking for the analytical. Because we had to in order to survive. A Kryptonian must learn to disregard his own feelings."

"The Code. The Nation. The Family. Right." Clark was frustrated and emotional and trying his best not to sound dismissive of the sacred heritage that was supposed to be his to inherit.

"What Lieutenant Ching and the others forget—or rather, they're not taught—is that Krypton's history is rich with stories of fated love and soul mates. The House of El has seen its share of soul mates, even."

Clark looked mildly hopeful. "My parents?"

She shook her head slightly. "No, much further back in history than that, but Kal-El the First, your namesake, he and his wife were said to be soul mates. Your parents had a birth marriage like ours, but I would dare say their bond was just as strong as yours is with Lois."

"I...saw them...on my globe, the holograms. It looked a lot like love. I'm not sure I understand how paired bonding happens without love."

"That's because you've been raised as a human, exposed to human ideals and constructs of love."

"But love is a feeling, not a construct."

"Can it not be a subjective term, Kal-El? Surely, Earth allows for more than one definition of love. What's to say that a deep physiological bond is not love? Or that it may not grow into what you'd consider love?"

"I don't know. You're right. Maybe it can. I just know that what Lois and I have...it's forever."

"Kal-El, a paired bonding is unbreakable. Even in death."

"Oh," was all he could think to say as he tried to wrap his head around that.

"The bonding process begins in childhood during...I guess they would be playdates on Earth, between betrothed nobles. It continues through adolescence, the bond solidifying its foundation and growing. The pair will feel a strong connection, a sharing and commingling of emotions with one another. It is made immutable through the Ceremony of Union and the consummation of the pairing."

Clark had another moment of panic. "I...we...please tell me we're not..."

She put a hand on his knee to regain his attention, and she shook her head when he finally looked at her. "No. The thoughts and emotions that we are experiencing with one another are not a paired bond, but rather a unique aspect of telepathy that not all Kryptonians have. It is, indeed, very similar to the paired bond in that it is usually only felt for those you hold in high esteem or have deep feelings of—as you would call it—love, whether romantic or otherwise."

He nodded numbly but breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's unusual given that she is not Kryptonian, but you have found, nurtured, and consummated a bond with Lois. I imagine that its exceptionalism is why your connection with her is so strong."

He took a deep breath, but it ended in a hitched whimper that he couldn't hold back. "That's why this hurts so much," he whispered.

He didn't need an answer, but she told him yes anyway.

"Does it...does that mean...will I be able to..." He couldn't finish the question. He was too afraid of the answer being the wrong one.

"Go home? I hope so, Kal-El. For you and Lois, I hope so." She brought her head down a little to catch his gaze again. "I can feel what this does to you. The pain of love. I'm sorry."

He supposed it didn't matter if he held back the tears or not since she could know his thoughts and emotions, so he let them fall.

"I know your sacrifice." She looked down at her hands and back up at him. "I don't know if it's consolation or condemnation for me that I may have Ching by my side."

"I'm sorry, Zara."

She straightened again before standing and turning to face him. He watched as she blinked away any trace of tears that might have threatened. She squared her shoulders and cleared her throat, her face now a mask of seeming indifference. "That is why it is dangerous to permit feelings. They must be disregarded and concealed. Too many lives are at stake."

She didn't expect nor wait for a response. "Why don't I show you to your personal chambers? You can rest."

He took a deep breath. Then another, trying to steel himself for those he might encounter beyond the doors of the Bridal Chamber. He needn't have worried, though. He stood, and Zara led him to a single door on the far side of the room that he hadn't noticed before. There was an identical one on the opposite side, too.

She put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Rest and be well, Kal-El. I'll have your dinner sent to your chambers and order you not to be disturbed for the night. We can talk in the morning as we begin to plan our strategy for arrival on New Krypton and talk about your training with Lieutenant Ching."

*#*#*#*

Clark looked back down at his family in his arms, Kallie having drifted off to sleep again after her latest meal. Lois was resting her head on his shoulders, her heartbeat and breathing a bit slower than normal. He gathered she might have nodded off for a moment. He wasn't entirely sure that he hadn't joined her. He gave Lois' shoulders a gentle squeeze and kissed the top of her head. "I love you," he whispered.

"Mmmm. I love you, too," she murmured. She put her chin on her own shoulder and looked up and smiled at him from underneath her eyelashes. "Where'd you go, spaceman? You looked pretty lost in thought before I drifted off there."

"My first day...away from you," he said softly, still feeling echoes of the memory.

Her brow furrowed and she frowned slightly. "Not my favorite day," she admitted.

"Yeah." He frowned back and sighed, then placed a kiss on her forehead. "But I did learn some pretty interesting things about my physiology. I guess I haven't really had much of a quiet moment to share."

"I guess I've had my hands a little full since...well, since before you got home." She looked down at Kallie and back up at him, a hint of humor in her eyes.

She'd been trying to lighten the mood, but he couldn't help but feel the guilt creep in. "Would you let...I'd like to help out more, if that's okay?" he asked tentatively.

She must have felt his guilt, or maybe seen a look on his face because she seemed to rush to reassure him. "Of course!" she said quietly but almost too eagerly. "Here, here. Why don't you hold her while she's sleeping?" she started, already moving to hand Kallie over to him. He held out his arms and she gently deposited the baby, somehow without waking her. "That way I can get up and stretch and finally pee! Plus, I'm sure breakfast is ready by now, and I'd love to eat using both my hands. I'll be right back!"

Then she was gone, off down the hall. And he was left with...his daughter. That phrase again. Just two little words. One perfect little creature. He marveled at her features. Such soft wisps of hair for eyebrows, lighter than the dark head of hair on her small head. Cherubic cheeks, a perfect nose. Dark and long eyelashes. Her hand, curled in a tight fist, had such tiny fingers.

She was smaller than he might have imagined, and he wondered idly what her birth weight had been, not that he'd know what was considered normal or not. Normal...Had her birth been normal? Was she normal? Had Lois' pregnancy been normal? Who'd been with her? His parents, he assumed. Had she been scared? Had she missed him?

He never should have left. He should have been here. Lois had been pregnant with his child, an alien child. The guilt and the loss and the anger and the grief all surged together. The feelings were too much. Too overwhelming. He couldn't do this. He needed...

He closed his eyes. Don't feel.

He'd missed far too much here on Earth. So much that he had no hope of ever making it up to Lois. He needed to take care of his family, not have them worry about him. He desperately wanted to be there for Lois, for Kallie, and he refused to burden her with all of the horrible things that had happened to him, the things that he'd done.

His breathing quickened and he felt the panic start to rise, but he quashed it quickly, firmly, as Ching had taught him. A Kryptonian must disregard his own feelings.

Family before self, he recited in his head as he heard his mom call quietly from the kitchen that breakfast was ready. Leo ze'me com ozemo.


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