Lois & Clark Forums Forums Fan Fiction Lois & Clark Fanfic So Far Away 10/21

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Brief content note for those who may be sensitive to it: Martha talks a bit about her infertility struggles.

Chapter 10: Remind Me Once Again Just Who I Am
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Mid-March 1997
9 months, 25 Days Since Clark Left Home

"Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh you say I am yours..."

You Say by Lauren Daigle
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Lois grunted on her way to the living room, laden with a fully stocked diaper bag over one shoulder and, on the opposite side, she was hefting a car seat carrier with a sleeping Kallie tucked safely inside. "Ready to go, Mom?"

She watched Martha take in the sight that was Lois and Kallie, ready for their first ever adventure outside of the house...Well, if you didn't count the quick visits to the town doctor for Kallie's first visits and a follow-up visit for Lois. That hardly counted as leaving the house, the appointments so brief and so close to home. They hadn't even ventured a trip to Maisie's for pie. Oh, how Lois was craving some of her pecan pie, especially since first trying it after Thanksgiving and again near Christmastime.

None of Ms. Maisie's pie today, though. Today was the trip to a distant, far off land called Wichita and a place called Target while Clark and Jonathan were out repairing the fence on one part of the property or another.

Martha looked as though she was going to say something but then had apparently thought better of it. Still, she couldn't hold back a little smile when she asked, "Got everything you need?"

Lois patted the diaper bag, making a hearty thump sound against the side, but then she made a face. "Wait...do we need the pump? I should probably bring the pump." She started looking around the living room. Where had she left it?

"Honey," Martha said. "If you have the baby, you don't need the pump." She winked and smiled at her, clearly trying to take some of her anxiousness away.

"Right. Okay," she said. "You're sure, though? We could be gone, like, four, maybe five hours, longer if we stop for lunch, which makes sense because we're going to be hungry before we start heading back home. Especially me with the breastfeeding! I can't believe the massive amount of food I've been consuming; I'm ravenous lately. Maybe I should bring snacks? I should bring snacks." She turned to head to the kitchen.

"Lois," Martha said, touching her arm to get her attention and bringing her back to face her. And then she was taking the carrier, Kallie still tucked inside and sleeping, off her arm and setting it gently on the floor. "Here, let's set these down while we figure things out." She took the diaper bag from her too and set it next to the carrier. "Your arms must be killing you."

Lois was biting her lip now in an effort to hold back the tears. Stupid tears. Why was this even making her cry? They were just going to the store. "Why am I making such a big deal out of this, Mom?"

Martha came and put her hands on Lois' shoulders. "Hormones for one thing, love. And also, leaving the house with a new baby for the first time like this—it's a big deal. It's bound to make you a bit nervous. And...I know things are a bit tense lately. You had a hard day yesterday?"

Lois nodded, wiping the tears from her face and sniffling. "And the day before. Well, this whole week." She tried to swallow back the surge of mixed emotions. She wished Clark was coming on this first trip, too. But getting the fence repaired was more important than her can't-get-it-in-Smallville-or-Emporia shopping list. Plus, she had to remind herself, she wasn't the only family member he'd left behind; his parents wanted to spend time with him, too. "I guess I just wish Clark was coming with us."

"I know, honey. I know," Martha soothed, and then she did her best to rally their enthusiasm. "They'll be out working all day, so our little day trip will help keep your mind occupied. And I'll bet they'll be about finished up by the time we get back."

Lois took a deep breath to try and calm herself, swiping at her face to catch the tears that had spilled since she'd last wiped her cheeks. She pulled Martha in for a hug. "Thanks, Mom."

"Any time." Martha smiled warmly at her and gave her shoulders a small squeeze before letting go. "Now let's get some snacks for the road, and we'll bring the pump just in case. How's that?"

Lois smiled and nodded, remembering for the millionth time how lucky she was to have someone like Martha be a mother to her.

Together they packed her now oft-neglected Jeep, buckled Kallie securely in the back seat, and buckled themselves in. Lois glanced over at Martha in the passenger seat and asked, "Ready?"

Martha nodded.

Lois took a look in the rearview mirror, adjusting it more than a few times in an attempt to get a full view of the driveway behind her and Kallie's car seat. It was hopeless and impossible to see Kallie's face, since the car seat was facing to the rear, but she tried once more anyway.

"Do you want me to sit back there with her?" Martha offered.

Lois shook her head. "No. No, it's fine. She's fine. I'll be fine. She's sleeping anyway. I don't know why I'm even worried about it."

Martha reached over to put a hand on her knee. "That's what moms do."

"It's exhausting!" Lois exclaimed. "I haven't even started the car yet. No wonder new moms don't leave the house! Everything is already there and it's comfortable and familiar and..." Lois grimaced and tugged at the band of her bra. "And you don't have to wear a bra."

Martha laughed. "I guess one of the things we're buying is a bigger nursing bra?"

Lois made a face and nodded emphatically. She took a deep breath and started the ignition. "Okay. Here we go."

As she circled around to head up the long dirt drive down to the main road, Lois mused. They hadn't been to Wichita since...well, since Lois' last visit to the obstetrician in late December, driving through the cold and snow. She'd heard women complain about being pregnant in the heat of summer, but she was convinced they clearly hadn't had to deal with layers of winter wear and having to pee so frequently.

Thank God that part was over. Not to mention...she'd heard and read horror stories from other women still healing down below. Even the doctor had been a little surprised Lois had healed so quickly. Lois had no way of asking or knowing if Kallie's half-Kryptonian blood and DNA might have had anything to do with it, but she wondered if it might well have.

In any case, she didn't have to worry about frequent pit stops now or winter clothing. Just a light jacket, and only a stop to feed or change the baby if needed. Yep, she could just concentrate on the drive and the company.

Right now, they were sitting in companionable silence, definitely absolutely not uncomfortable at all, the only sound the tires rushing over the pavement and the cool spring air cutting around the Jeep as they reached 55 mph. It was a longer drive, almost two hours, so they had plenty of time to discuss...things.

There were so many things on her mind lately...the extra stress and tension of Clark's mood since coming home. Maybe there was a better way to offer him support, but she didn't know. Then there was the...intimacy issue. Part of her almost felt selfish and foolish for even thinking of it as an issue. It's just...she was a little hurt and a little confused at the lack of intimacy between her and Clark. But even that felt stupid thinking about. Of course, he wasn't thinking about sex after all he'd been through...whatever it was he'd been through. It was just...she'd built it up so much in her head, his homecoming, that it was hard not to feel...neglected. In any case, she could wait. There was no rush to talk to one's mother-in-law (no matter how close one was) about private bedroom matters with her son.

Lois sighed audibly. But she had no one else to talk to. Especially about some of the more nuanced aspects of her relationship. The scarce few girlfriends she'd had when she'd left Metropolis...well, they'd tried to stay in touch over the phone and through emails, but it was hard. They didn't quite understand why she'd up and left Metropolis so mysteriously or why she'd supposedly cheated on Clark with Superman—or so everyone thought. But more to the point, they were still working young professionals; talk of pregnancy and the like just wasn't interesting to them.

So they'd all kind of drifted apart, leaving Lois even more lonely for her best friend and even more grateful for the love, acceptance, and understanding from his parents. She couldn't hold back another sigh, both sad and tired over what she'd lost.

Lois snuck a quick glance over at Martha. She was idly flipping through a magazine. Lois hadn't meant to sigh so loudly, but she was a little surprised that Martha hadn't said anything.

"You're not going to ask what's wrong?" Lois said finally, breaking the silence.

"I figured you'd start when you're ready. No sense rushing you," she said noncommittally, but Lois noticed that she was putting the magazine back in her bag.

Lois caught one of Martha's warm smiles when she glanced over again. "I'm not sure what I did to deserve this family, to deserve you." She felt a lump form in her throat, the tears already starting to fall, and she took one hand off the wheel to swipe at them.

"Oh, honey!" Martha soothed as she put a hand on Lois' shoulder. "You never have to do anything to deserve love, especially from me. You should know that by now."

Lois choked on a sob. "Yeah, I guess I do. It's just...been...hard lately. Really hard." She took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to steady herself. She took another deep breath, focusing on the road intently for a minute, and then she saw a sign for a rest area just ahead. She motioned at the sign with her hand and said with a shaky voice, "I'm just going to...probably safer not to drive..." She gestured vaguely at her face and the mess that was her current emotional state. "...like this. Plus Kallie will probably be hungry any minute now, anyway."

"Good idea, love," Martha said, giving her shoulder a light squeeze before dropping her hand back to her lap.

The rest area was practically empty, Lois noticed as she pulled into a space closest to the building marked for the women's restroom. And, good, it was one of the slightly more modern ones, so it should be a bit more well-maintained.

Martha undid her seatbelt and said, "Why don't you go ahead and use the restroom while I get Kallie and check her diaper?"

She nodded and said softly, "Okay. Thanks." She left her purse in the car with Martha and headed to the bathrooms. She relieved herself and washed her hands, catching a glimpse at her reflection in the mirror and suddenly wishing this was one of the older rest areas that didn't have such fancy luxuries like mirrors and non-graffitied walls.

Who was this woman in the mirror, even? The woman sort of resembled Lois Lane. A week ago, she thought she'd figured it out, but it seemed to be a continuous journey. She took in the features one at a time. The longer hair that mostly resided in a ponytail these days so that Kallie wouldn't get a wayward fistful and yank with her jerky, excited movements. She'd read in the baby books that their grasp was supposed to be super strong at this age, but Lois couldn't help but wonder if it was super strong. Because, surely, a grown adult such as herself should be able to extract her hair or her shirt from an infant.

She smiled faintly and shook her head at herself. The mirror revealed a somewhat sleep-deprived, very slightly rounder face than she was used to. Fuller curves, too. Lois reminded herself that Clark hadn't minded that first night. In fact, he said he'd liked her even more now. The emotional aspect of making love that first night back had been...overwhelming and just what she'd needed all at once.

The physical...well, she'd been a little surprised how tight and uncomfortable things had felt. She'd expected maybe some pain or soreness from giving birth, but it was just wholly different than how she'd thought it would be. And, yeah, a big part of that was probably because all her fantasies of Clark's homecoming had been...fantasies in every way.

And ever since those first few days—he'd hardly touched her. He'd held her a few times, but...he used to touch her all the time—his hand on the small of her back, his palm cupping her face, his lips on hers...

She knew deep down that Clark didn't care what her body looked like, but it was still nice to feel wanted, especially since she wasn't quite sure how to feel about this new body of hers. It'd done something amazing and spectacular—grown a baby, a half-Kryptonian baby, at that! She looked at her much fuller breasts and tugged again at the bra band that was digging into her sides. How amazing was it that she could feed her baby herself? She'd read about but hadn't realized until she'd done it successfully for the first time how intimate and profound it would feel to breastfeed.

Even still, with all that, she didn't know who this woman was, exactly. She'd gotten fairly well-acquainted with pregnant Lois. But new mom, lactating Lois? And just-got-her-fiance-back-from-the-emotionally-challenged-alien-race-whose-civil-war-he-was-fighting Lois? She didn't know them very well at all. And she was frustrated that Clark didn't seem inclined to get to know the person she'd become, nor want to share who he had become.

She took a final look at the woman in the mirror and then headed out of the restroom. Her heart leapt at the sight that greeted her as she walked back to the car: Martha swaying and twirling in the parking lot with Kallie in her arms. On her next twirl, Martha caught sight of her, and Lois could hear as she approached, "Look, Mommy's back! Now you can have Second Breakfast."

"The Hobbit?" she asked Martha, raising her eyebrow with a smile playing at her own lips.

"Of course," she said to Lois, but continued to Kallie, "I read that to your daddy when he was little. I'll read it to you, too, when you're older."

Lois laughed lightly. "Unless Clark beats you to it," she teased.

"He'd better not! There are plenty of other books to choose from."

"Well, I do have it on good authority that you read him countless books when he was young. You created a real addict there for yourself." Lois couldn't help but grin. "He said he was reading chapter books by the time he was 5?"

"Exactly. Now he's smart and cultured and worldly and a fantastic writer to boot," she said, beaming, then leveled a wry grin of her own at Lois. "You're welcome."

They both laughed heartily. They'd shared these kinds of moments before, bonding over little memories of Clark, but this was the first time they'd done it since he'd been home. And, oh what a relief and comfort it was now, now he was just home and they could just laugh without the underlying current of grief and uncertainty of whether or not he'd be back. Martha gave her knowing look and smiled at her as their laughter died down.

Martha gestured with a nod of her head towards the back seat. "Why don't you get settled back there, and I'll hand off our future bookworm? She's already changed and ready."

"Thanks, Mom," she said as she scooted into the back of the Jeep and then took Kallie into her arms.

Martha shut the door gently and walked around to the other side of the car. As Lois was getting Kallie settled and latched, Martha got into the front passenger seat but turned around to settle so that she was facing Lois.

"Are you doing okay?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," Lois answered. "I suppose so. I mean...He's home now. This is supposed to be happily ever after, isn't it?" She felt the heat and the pricking at the back of her eyes. So many tears, so many feelings. She was supposed to be happy, dammit. Instead, she was just...she felt guilty for even having the thoughts...

"What is it?" Martha was concerned now.

Lois shook her head. "It's nothing. It's fine." She did her best to try and tamp down feelings that were building in her chest, the pressure and the quiet simmering.

"Lois." Her gentle but serious tone said it all—but the look on Martha's face was Lois' undoing.

"I'm angry!" Lois cried, startling Kallie, who fussed for a second and then settled again. "I'm just so angry and so hurt," she said more quietly, her voice rough.

Martha nodded, giving her space to say more.

"I'm angry at him for leaving. I'm angry that he was gone so long. I'm angry that he missed everything," she she seethed through a sob, "all the things we were supposed to share together. I'm angry that he's so different and that he's shutting me out. But I shouldn't be angry. I feel terrible being angry when I should just be grateful that he's home."

"Oh, honey. It's okay. It's okay to be angry." Martha said, her voice soothing and sure in that way only Martha could accomplish. "There is so much—for all of us—that we need to grieve. Anger is a big part of that. You have to let it out. My God, I screamed into my pillow and cried at Jonathan for nearly an hour, night before last, praying Clark wasn't listening too carefully."

"Really?" Lois asked tearfully.

"Really," she reassured her, and then Martha let the silence stretch on. Because she knew there was more, more that Lois needed to say.

She looked down at Kallie in her arms, she'd managed to fall asleep despite the emotions raging in the enclosed space. How enviably simple was her little world? Lois sighed and closed up her nursing bra and pulled her shirt back down. She scooted a little towards the car seat and placed Kallie carefully inside, and she did her best to buckle her without waking her.

Lois sat for a moment longer in the silence, but she knew Martha wouldn't let her get away with not sharing the rest of what was bothering her.

As if she was reading Lois' mind, she said, "You can have a five-second reprieve while you come and get resettled up front. My neck is starting to get stiff."

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't even think about that."

Martha waved off her apology.

Lois moved slowly back to the front seat, careful to open and shut the doors with minimal noise even though Kallie seemed so far to be a deep sleeper. Once back up front, Lois pivoted her body so that she was facing Martha as much as possible. "So..."

"So..." Martha echoed her.

Lois took a deep breath. "Mom, he won't talk to me, won't let me in. And it hurts. It hurts so much. And...and he won't...we haven't...made love since shortly after he came home. And oh God, it sounds horrible and selfish to be thinking about sex after all he's been through. But I guess that's part of the point—I don't even know what he's been through because he won't let me in. He was gone for so long, and he just feels so...distant, and we haven't really had much of a chance to reconnect...

"It's just...everything is so messed up. This isn't at all what life was supposed to look like. Even after Clark and I got engaged and my idea of my future—our future—changed, I never dreamed we'd have a baby before we'd even won our first Kerth on a shared byline. And I certainly didn't expect this...being separated for almost a year, me having a baby without him, and him fighting a civil war on a distant planet. Those are huge things, things that change people..." Lois tried to keep her voice from quivering even more. "Mom, what if we're...what if we're too different, what if...it just isn't meant to be after all?"

"Those are big things, huge. And it makes sense that you're feeling pretty uncertain and scared. And angry and hurt. We can talk about all those things, but I wanted to make something clear first, perfectly clear." Martha took her hand and squeezed it, waiting until Lois looked up into her eyes. "If for some unfathomable reason you two aren't meant to be after all—which I don't believe for a second, by the way—then you're still family, Lois. You are still my daughter."

Stuck for words, Lois nodded gratefully at Martha, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. This woman, somehow, always seemed to know. Even Lois herself hadn't quite put her finger on that one underlying worry: if she somehow lost Clark, would she lose her new family, too?

“You two will find your way; I know you will,” Martha said as she squeezed her hand again before letting it go.

"I spent every day since he left, just holding onto the hope that one day he'd be home. The longer time went on, the more that hope just grew, almost in desperation, into...I don't even know. I thought his homecoming would be different...happier."

"Hope's a funny thing," Martha started, a wistful look in her eye. "From the time I was young, all I ever wanted to do was fall in love, get married, and have babies. And that was a conscious choice, mind you." She raised an eyebrow at Lois. "Women didn't always get a choice back then; it was expected that you'd marry and become a wife and mother. In Smallville, that usually meant farmer's wife. Yes, I loved art and philosophy and just learning in general—still do—but I never had any aspirations to go to college or have a career. I wanted to be a wife and a mother.”

Lois nodded but stayed silent, letting her continue.

"During those years of trying to get pregnant...those awful months of waiting each month to see if I'd be pregnant or get my period...the hope was like a turbulent roller coaster. The first few times, it was a bit thrilling to wait and see, but every month that nothing happened...well, the disappointment eventually started transforming into despair. It felt like a failure—I felt like a failure—and the hope for the next month was harder to win back."

"Oh, Mom," Lois said. "That sounds so hard."

She nodded. "It was. It was really hard. For me, I had to learn to let go of that dream, that hope to be a mother. The problem wasn’t that I had the hope, but it was the fact that I held it above all else for a time. And you can’t have just one hope to hang everything on. Jonathan helped me see that, made me see that when I got a little obsessive and focused on things. He reminded me that being a mother isn’t the only part of me. That he fell in love with an artist, and a cook, and a smart, feisty woman who wasn’t afraid to march in the streets for civil rights because she saw things that weren’t right. And that if I couldn’t be a mother, then he would still love me just the same. It was a hard dream to let go of, a lot of grieving to be done. I still have moments of grief to this day. I'll never have that experience, being pregnant, giving birth..." Martha trailed off and nodded her head in Kallie's direction. "Breastfeeding."

Lois ducked her head in some sort of apology. "I'm sorry. It must have been hard to learn that I'd gotten pregnant without even trying...I mean, it was our first time, for heaven's sake!" She clapped her hand over her mouth, suddenly realizing she hadn't exactly meant to share that much.

Martha chuckled and grinned at her. "It's okay, honey." She laughed lightly again, and Lois was grateful that their heavier emotions seemed to have dissipated. "I admit it would have been pretty crushing news back then when I was younger, but when you told me? Oh, it was one of the best days of my life. Being a grandma was another dream of mine. A dream come true."

Martha continued, "Hope is strong and powerful and necessary, but it’s also something that needs to grow and evolve over time. It’s like love in that way. You don’t love Clark the same now as you did back when you first fell for him, right?"

"Yeah...sometimes I can't even comprehend how much I love him, how it's possible to still learn more about him and love him more. Before...it was new and exciting and a little scary. Now, it feels a little more...secure and safe. Or at least, it did before he left. It feels more complicated now, but I see your point."

Martha smiled at her and nodded. "That hope you had to hang on to for so long? Day after day, it grew stronger...and hope like that, that's unfulfilled for so long...it can turn into a fantasy of sorts, even somewhat unrealistic, because...when you think about it, no one can really guess what their future will be like. So, even if you manage to guess right, your fantasy still isn’t going to match reality. I mean, think about it...who would have guessed that I'd have a baby fall from the sky one day, just after I'd given up on the dream of being a mother?"

Lois laughed with tears in her eyes. "Yeah, and who would have guessed that hard-bitten journalist Lois Lane would fall in love and have a baby with a sexy spaceman from another world?"

Martha barked with laughter. "Yes, who'd have guessed." She let the laughter fade out and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Oh, Mom," Lois said. "Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable with me, and for helping me get things off my chest. I can only hope that I'll be even half the mother that you are. I wanna be like you when I grow up," she quipped, feeling a little unsure.

"You’re a lot more like me than you think, Lois. You may not show your skill in the kitchen or with art, but you are smart and feisty. You worked every day to uncover injustices and expose the wrongdoers in Metropolis; you fight to make the world a better place." She paused, making sure she had Lois' full attention. "And you already are a great mother."

"So much for getting the tears to stop," Lois said with a sobbing laugh as she swiped at her cheeks. She felt inordinately better, but the uncertainty of everything still tugged painfully at her heart.


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