TOC found here**This chapter has an nfic version over in that folder.**
Chapter 15: You Love Me For Who I Am, Like the Stars Hold the Moon~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mid-March 199721 Days Since Clark Came Home "When my world is falling apart,
When there's no light to break up the dark,That's when I look at you...
When the waves are flooding the shore,And I can't find my way home anymore,
That's when I look at you..."
When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Much later that night, Clark laid awake on their bed next to Lois as she slept. Sleep still eluded him, as it had for far too many nights this week, but at least now it was not altogether unpleasant. Tonight's insomnia lacked a heart and mind clenched with fear and dread and guilt; instead, there was a wistful melancholy that had settled over him like a weighted blanket.
His body was tired, drained from the fierce torrent of emotions and—it seemed—from the prolonged use of their connection, as if it were a muscle that needed training and endurance. The feeling—the physical exertion—wasn't unfamiliar, not after living for almost a year without his powers. The emotional exertion...that, too, was familiar, but it was different now. On New Krypton, he'd survived so long with a dull but heavy ache in the corners of his heart that living without it now was almost...not painful, but strange and unsettling.
But, while his heart was tired and heavy now again, it was also filled with gratitude...reverence for the woman lying next to him. The glow from the moon through the window cast her face in such an ethereal light that he had to reach out and touch the soft skin of her cheek for fear that he was imagining her.
Ever so lightly, he stroked her cheek with the backs of his fingers, aching to be closer and touch her more completely but loath to disturb her. If he was feeling exhausted, she must be more so.
After making love in the treehouse, they'd laid in each other's arms for a long time—with only a brief interruption to go borrow a quilt from his mother's studio in the barn when Lois had gotten chilly. He almost wished they could have stayed that way forever, lingering in the afterglow of the most profound emotional and physical experience either of them had ever had.
Eventually, though, they'd made it back to the house, and he'd sat at Lois' side as she nursed Kallie. They gave his parents only brief reassurance that things were okay—considering—and that was all they'd asked before insisting on taking Kallie for the night to give him and Lois some respite.
Back in their room, in their bed, they'd talked of easier things and made love again, less urgent but no less intense. True, he didn't have much to base his experience on, but he felt deep in his heart that their connection, their bond...well, having it open and thrumming soundly made making love...he didn't even have the words to describe it. He felt like...he hoped...
Being connected to Lois like that...made him feel a small measure like himself again, like maybe her love—their love—was enough to save him. Whether it was a fanciful thought or not, he clung to it, held tight as fastly as he'd protected his love for her when he'd been gone.
The longer he laid there and watched her...well, he wanted it to be comforting and healing and...and it was, to an extent, but ever so slowly, the sorrow crept back over him, the murkiness of it like a fog that made it hard to see the hope of what lay ahead. Needing desperately to touch her again but still trying not to wake her, Clark reached over and, with gentle fingers, brushed her hair behind her ear.
His heart clenched in his chest. How would he ever be able to make it up to her?
"There's nothing to make up," she murmured sleepily.
He startled slightly, not having expected her to make a sound, let alone speak. And the guilt started to creep back in to rest alongside the sorrow.
She opened her eyes then and brought a hand up to his cheek. "Hey," she said softly, somehow with so much love and conviction and support that it pricked at his heart.
He didn't know if he could handle this type of acceptance. It hurt...it...In the face of everything he'd done, he still couldn't believe he was worthy of it. And all she had said was 'hey'.
"C'mere," she said as she brought herself closer, closing the small chasm that had existed between them.
As if responding to her of its own accord, his body found hers as she molded herself against him. She kissed him, her lips brushing against his, then tugging and teasing before pulling back again. His breath was coming more quickly, but now he was entirely unsure if it was due to an impending anxiety attack or excitement. Was it possible it was both?
For a moment, he couldn't breathe—it felt like he was drowning, sinking in the depths of all the horrors he'd been responsible for, and...and then her lips were on his, her hand threading through his hair to the back of his neck, holding him close as she seemed to be trying to kiss him out of his mind. It was working, too, because he could breathe again, and every part of him felt alive. Right here in this moment. The dark thoughts and fog were receding, replaced by the feel of her lips warm and damp against his own. If he could just hold on to this feeling...hold on to her, then he could—
<<Don't think. Just love me,>> she told him.
And suddenly he couldn't think of a single reason not to.
Their lovemaking was intense and almost a little playful, and when they were spent, it felt like long minutes before either of them were able to catch their breath. Lying side by side in the afterglow, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head, entirely too tired to move any more than that.
She was looking him, her eyes gleaming. "That was..."
"I...can't even...words are..."
"Yeah...same," she breathed before snuggled him closer with a grin.
"And...cleaning up is another thing they don't really mention in the romance no—"
Lois' eyebrows shot up. "So you
have read the books I stashed under my bed!"
He felt his face flush with warmth. She didn't need telepathy to get her answer.
Then an inscrutable look crossed her face but she hid it quickly, and he could only catch a flash of what she'd been thinking.
"What?" he asked, worried that he'd done something, said something wrong, that...
"It's okay, love. It's not important right now, and you've done nothing wrong. We'll talk about it later. Promise." She stroked his cheek and his fear was somewhat allayed, if only by the feel of her reassurance in his chest. "Let's just get cleaned up." She smiled before giving him a quick, deep kiss.
After they cleaned, Lois threw on some pajamas, he assumed to help keep her warm, so he followed suit so as not to feel more exposed. And...as much as he didn't want to hide from her anymore, he still wasn't comfortable with his scar so readily visible.
Almost all the awkwardness abated, though, when they got back into bed and she snuggled in close, settling into the crook of his arm with her head on his chest.
Lois looked up at him, propping her head up a bit, a sated smile on her face and light in her heart. He was sure she'd never looked more beautiful, so much more perfect than any dream he'd had while he'd been gone.
Clark could only marvel—the feel of her lying next to him, her skin still slightly flushed and heated from their intense lovemaking, the feel of utter exhaustion and fulfillment.
How could it even be possible?
The feelings were so stark a contrast to the darkness and anguish still within, and his heart twisted and pulled at the thought that emotions and sensations that were so vastly different from each other could even exist at the same time, warring inside his chest.
His hand reached over to find her cheek, no hesitation as his muscles recommitted the movement to memory. She leaned her head into his palm, reassuring him or maybe herself that they were both very much alive and together.
"What are you thinking about, love?" she asked softly, her voice another anchor to reality in the surreality of the pre-dawn light.
"How you're just like a dream to me," he rasped. "And when I'm feeling like this...lighter and more calm than I can even remember what it's like, I have to look at you, touch you, have to keep finding ways to make sure that you're really here. That I'm really home...that..." His voice broke and he trailed off, his hand still cupping her cheek.
A tear touched the tip of his thumb and he brushed it away. "I'm here. You're home," she whispered, her voice and her heartbeat steady in his ears.
<<All I need, Lois. You're all I need. Every breath I breathe... I...>> He wasn't even sure what he meant, just that he felt...He needed to...
<<Let me love you,>> her heart called out.
His heart clenched, all the feelings threatening and surging, and he hadn't even realized he'd closed his eyes until she touched his face, her fingers smoothing over his brow and his cheek and then moving to cover his hand on her own face, keeping it pressed solidly against her cheek.
Somehow, when he looked at her, he could see forgiveness. He could see the truth. He could feel it in his heart. And he wanted nothing more than to believe her.
He nodded. Even as the tears fell and all the emotions flooded in at once, he nodded.
<<Okay.>> **********
Mid-March 199722 Days Since Clark Came Home The first thing to hit Clark the next morning was the sunlight streaming through the window. His eyes were still closed, reluctant to interrupt this calm and warm and complete feeling with wakefulness, wishing he'd thought to close the curtains before finally falling asleep in the early morning hours, when the next thing hit him. A small bop, almost a slap, against his cheek, and before the confusion could fully settle, he heard a gurgling coo by his ear.
He smiled. Kallie.
Clark opened his eyes and could feel his heart and soul light up instantly with just the sight of her and even more so when she smiled back at him. She ahhh'd and cooed excitedly, kicking out her little arms and legs when she saw him looking at her, and he felt his heart squeeze at how beautiful a melody, how utterly perfect this one moment in time was. And suddenly, even though he'd not slept more than a few hours, he felt more rested and relaxed than...than he could even remember.
"Good morning, my little bug," he whispered as he reached out a hand to catch a wayward fist as it neared his cheek again. He pressed a kiss to her tiny hand, and she unfurled her fist to capture his index finger in her impossibly strong grasp.
At some point after he'd fallen asleep, Lois must have gone to get Kallie and bring her back to bed to nurse and sleep. She couldn't have known he'd wake up this way...or maybe she had?
Behind Kallie's wiggly body, he could see Lois watching him, and he wondered when she'd woken. The love in her heart seemed to match his own but then multiply a thousandfold and flutter around them like a kaleidoscope of butterflies.
"You should sleep, honey," he said. "You couldn't have gotten enough rest last night." A small thread of guilt raced through him, knowing she'd have slept better if he hadn't...
She shook her head gently. "No guilt. We're in this together, remember?"
"I'll try," he promised, the guilt settling low in his chest, at least, and not overtaking the butterflies.
Kallie tugged at his finger, still in her grasp, and gave him another gummy smile that turned his heart upside down. Her little fingers wrapped around his single finger so strongly that he wondered...but for some reason, he didn't even want to think about it, instead avoiding that thought in favor of just watching her.
"I think I could do this all day—watch her—and not get tired of it," he said with awe.
"I have before," she replied softly. "...just stared at her all day, marveling at the little miracle she is and how she moves her legs and arms, how her eyes seem to take in everything she sees like she can't wait to learn more about the world. I think...it wouldn't be a bad way for you to spend the day..."
The tentativeness in her voice pricked at his heart, and he couldn't help but be reminded of how he'd spend the last week avoiding everyone, terrified to be near them...He was grateful the terror was gone, but the guilt he felt about everything lingered heavily.
Doing his best to push it all aside, he freed his finger and laid his hand over Kallie's chest and abdomen. She gurgled and kicked some more, smiling and cooing at him like he was the center of her universe. He could both feel and hear the wild fluttering of her little heart.
"Maybe I'll do that," he said. "Well...I'll spend the day with her and see if my mom wants some help in her studio."
He leaned in toward Lois, and she met him halfway to share a tender kiss, his lips lingering on hers until small fists slapped their faces and they couldn't help but laugh.
"You get some sleep, honey. We'll figure things out," he said as he leaned in for one more quick kiss. Pulling back, he was briefly arrested at the sight of her, or maybe the feeling in his chest—such tenderness and love, but tinged with worry. "I love you."
"I love you too. And you too, little bug," she said, giving Kallie a kiss on her chubby cheeks.
Clark's heart lifted, wishing for a moment that his life could just be this...happy and perfect and full of love all the time.
He stood and gathered Kallie in his arms and headed out to the kitchen. It was still relatively early in the morning, but late enough that his father had set out to work without him. A small flicker of guilt tugged at him, but he realized that after last night or maybe because Kallie was in his arms, it didn't grow into anything more.
"Good morning, Mom," he said, finding her at the kitchen table reading the
Smallville Press and drinking coffee.
"Oh, good morning, honey," she said as she folded the paper up and put it aside. "Did you sleep well?"
He thought he heard a hint of amusement in her voice. Oh God...he and Lois had been...loud. And he knew there was no way his parents hadn't heard them. But his mom said nothing further and her smile gave no indication of teasing.
"Yeah," he said quietly, hoping the heat creeping up his cheeks wasn't showing terribly.
"That's good. Your father and I were a bit worried, of course, but...looks like you're in good spirits this morning?"
He nodded, feeling the guilt and sadness start to make its way to the forefront again. "Thanks for last night, for—"
She shushed him and shook her head. "Have a seat. I'll get you some coffee," she said, setting down the paper and getting up from the table. She gave him a gentle look and a squeeze on his shoulder as she made her way to the cupboard.
Clark settled himself at the seat next to his mom's, Kallie still gurgling happily cradled in one arm now, staring up at him with a gummy smile. "Do you think she's hungry?"
Martha returned with a mug of steaming coffee, placing it in front of him and pushing the creamer and sugar his way. "She's probably fine. Lois came and got her not too long ago." Sitting again, she reached her fingers over to stroke the fine hair on Kallie's head. "She's pretty good at letting you know when she's hungry; she's not afraid to speak her mind, just like her mom." She grinned at him, and he chuckled lightly.
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense."
"You'll learn—it won't take you long," she said as she picked up the small creamer pitcher and poured it for him, then spooned out almost the exact right amount of sugar and stirred.
The awe and admiration he had for his mom rivaled his deep love and affection for her. "Do you think..." he trailed off, tracing the handle of the dark blue mug with his fingertips, unsure if he even wanted to risk speaking the words aloud.
"Honey, look at me." She put her hand over his, stilling his movements. "Being a parent is a journey, and I'll tell you the secret...the secret is that no one knows what they're doing at first. You learn along the way. And you get help from those who love you and have been there before you."
Clark had a hard time believing that his mom could have ever not known how to be a mom. The best mom. In all of time and space, he was beyond lucky to have gotten Martha Kent for a mother.
"You're a good man, Clark. I dare say your father and I raised you well, and you've become one of the smartest, kindest, most selfless men I know. You'll be an amazing father—already are."
"But she hardly knows me...it's only been—"
Martha shook her head. "It doesn't matter. You love her. Without question." He followed her eyes down to Kallie, who was staring up at him with some kind of wonder and curiosity, and she let out a squeal and kicked her limbs happily when he smiled at her. "I'm pretty sure that was an 'I love you'," Martha said.
HIs heart clenched and he had to close his eyes tightly for a moment and take a deep breath. He believed his mom, believed she wouldn't lie to him, but he couldn't fathom what he'd done to earn love from this little miracle in his arms.
"I don't know what happened up there, honey. I can guess that it was pretty grievous, traumatic, and it's going to take time to heal from it. But..." She put her hand on his forearm, and he looked back up at her. "That doesn't mean you're not worthy of love."
Even though he knew he wouldn't find anything, he still searched his mom's eyes for any hint of her trying to coddle or mollify him. She squeezed his arm as she kept her gaze, loving but serious. A look he'd seen thousands of times in his life, but never quite with this much tenderness.
"You're my boy. You always will be. And I'll always love you. No matter what. And Kallie here...you'll always be her father. Love doesn't come with requirements."
Clark nodded haltingly, feeling his eyes well up with tears, and when he let out a deep breath, he could feel something inside him release. The corners of his mouth twitched up a bit in a hesitant smile. "Thanks, Mom."
For a while longer, they sat and drank coffee, watched Kallie make faces and gurgle and make spit bubbles, and they talked of inconsequential things. Easy things. Silly facts and surprising trivia about babies. At one point, Martha brought him a small stack of well-worn parenting books and held Kallie while he sped-read through them all, wishing he'd thought to do that sooner.
He set the last book down on the stack and let his eyes wander over the rainbow of tags jutting out of the pages, flagging important notes and sections in an organizational system only Lois would understand. Well, maybe he could too.
He smiled, reminded of their jobs at the
Planet and how well they worked together, how her brilliant leaps of logic and reckless and impulsive way of doing things set his heart racing in more ways than one. Oh, how he missed that. Missed seeing that gleam in her eyes when she knew she had a suspect on the ropes, caught in a lie. Missed the way her heart raced when she had an exciting new lead. Missed the way she'd roll her eyes at him when he edited her copy.
She'd given so much up. Sure, she was still writing for the
Planet, but op-ed was a far cry from front-page investigative stories. All for him. Because of him. Would they—would
she—even be able to go back to doing what she loved? There was still such an impossibly long road back to normal...whatever normal meant for them. Would they be able to get back there? How was he ever going to go back to work, back to Metropolis?
...be Superman again?
He took a sudden, jagged breath. He couldn't let the guilt get to him, not today. If had to use
kao-zha-aovem-u, he would.
"Clark?" Martha said worriedly, her voice and the touch of her hand on his arm again startled him back to the present. "Are you okay?"
"I..." Was he? Would he be?
"Honey, Clark..." Another squeeze on his arm. "You've got to breathe. Take a breath. I think it's been a minute."
Breathe. He could breathe. In and out.
"There you go. Just breathe. It'll be okay."
In and out.
"Here, take Kallie while I make you some tea," she said as she passed the baby back over and went to busy herself with the kettle.
In and out. His breathing slowed again as he held Kallie in his arms. Looking down at her sweet face, he couldn't help but see Lois in her features—her eyes and her smile. It was hard to think of the past or the future with Kallie in his arms, and he felt his heart trip lightly at the thought.
And maybe that was just what he needed to do—focus on the present. The past only brought on guilt and the future only made him panic. So...the present. He could do that, surely. He was here, in his childhood home, surrounded by the people who loved him most, and right now...he could use all the love he could get. Kallie grunted and gave a few squeals, and then Clark caught the scent of a now-familiar odor. Love and...more diaper changing practice. He laughed lightly, the anxiety he'd been feeling ebbing away.
"Mom, mind if I use the changing table in your room? Lois is still sleeping."
Martha turned and smiled at him and Kallie. "Of course not, go ahead. Tea will be ready by the time you're back."
He could do this, he thought as he made his way upstairs to his parents' bedroom. Just focus on the now.
Clark did his best to keep Kallie happy and entertained while he attended to changing her diaper, and then made his way back down to the kitchen. Somehow, his mom had made a plate of chocolate chocolate chip cookies appear on the table along with the tea and fresh mugs in the few minutes he'd been gone.
Before he even sat back down, his mom was warning him. "Now, don't go inhaling all those! You know those are Lois' favorite, and she will be none too happy to find out they're all gone already."
"Okay, okay," he said with a laugh, holding his free hand up in surrender as he settled back in the chair with Kallie again cradled in one arm.
Their teasing was light-hearted, as it always had been in the past, but he knew his mom was also keeping a sharp eye on him. "Nothing gets between that woman and her dessert,
especially if it's chocolate," Martha quipped.
He chuckled. It was true, and his heart warmed at the fact that his mom knew her so well now. Everything else aside, he couldn't have asked for more, for Lois to find the same kind of love and acceptance from his parents as he had. He knew her relationship with her parents was...strained, to put it mildly, and he wondered, looking down at Kallie's smiling face, if they'd even bothered to check in on Lois this whole time or meet their granddaughter.
He shook himself mentally, bringing himself back to the present and to the gurgling bundle in his arms. Then, the thought of desserts and something in one of the books he'd just read struck him. There had been a whole chapter on keeping the love alive during the first year with a new baby, making sure to take time to be a couple and not just new, exhausted parents.
And though they'd just spent almost an entire day alone, Clark wanted...different. So much of that time had been...hard. Too hard. He wanted something different.
"Mom, I need your help."
"Oh?" she said as she poured their tea. "What do you need?"
"I need to take my wife on a date."
His mom smiled broadly, her eyes twinkling. "Where do we start?"
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