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**There is an nfic version of this chapter available.**

Chapter 17: Come On Home and Let Yourself Heal
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Mid-March 1997
23 Days Since Clark Came Home

"I wear my ring to know what's at stake
And when the days work at their own pace
You'll remain my time and place
I feel it in my ribs; I feel it in my soul
The pulse just grows, so loud and so clear
Let your heart beat here..."

Heart Beat Here by Dashboard Confessional
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Clark's heart beat soundly as he held a sleeping Lois in his arms—her heartbeat, though slower, kept rhythm with his own. The feeling of love and completeness surged in his chest and spilled over. His intense desire had lessened some since she'd drifted off a few minutes ago, but his memory of her passion wouldn't let it fully subside. Still, he was content to just hold her for now.

He wasn't sure what he had expected of their date tonight, other than having the fierce and profound need to spend time with her—just like they used to, but with so much more between them now.

All things considered, he would have guessed that he'd have been the more emotional one. But Lois, for all her incredible strength, had been the one who needed holding tonight, at least more so than he had. And oh, how his heart ached with hers, feeling the sorrow and grief and regret just as keenly. All the could-have-beens and might-have-beens, but nothing they could ever wish to change, else they wouldn't have Kallie.

Tonight, so far, he'd found his strength in her, found that even though he felt as far from Superman as ever, that he could still save her. They could save each other. Because, without her...he was lost. And though it tore excruciatingly at his heart to see her in so much pain, it was a discordant comfort to know that she needed him just as much as he needed her.

His arms squeezed around her, holding her just that much closer and inhaling deeply to comfort himself with the scent of everything that was Lois. She stirred, a gentle movement next to his body, and slowly opened her eyes.

"Oh my God, did I fall asleep?" She ducked her head into his chest before peering up at him again, a steady blush rising in her cheeks.

He smiled at her, his heart warm and full. "Just for a few minutes, love."

"Well, that's embarrassing." A small, breathy giggle escaped, warm against his chest even through the material of his dress shirt.

His heart started racing, reminded of why she'd dozed off in the first place. "I'm choosing to take it as a compliment," he said with a lopsided smirk.

"Is that so?"

He nodded with only slightly more confidence than he actually had. "Yup. See that post over there?" He hooked his head over to the side of them. "Right there, you'll see all of my hayloft conquests."

She let out half a gasp, and then swatted his shoulder as she leaned towards it a bit and squinted. "That bare post? That one there?" she asked.

Clark dipped his head to look over his glasses and made a quick tally mark in the wood with his heat vision. "The post isn't bare."

"Mmmhmm." She narrowed a playful eyebrow at him before snuggling in close against him. "So, farmboy, I may have been your first conquest...but surely I haven't been the only gal you've whisked off to the hayloft. How far have you gotten up here?"

He shifted slightly. "Um..." Yes, they'd had this conversation before...or...at least the basics, but they'd never talked in detail. And certainly not right after he'd just made love to her. At least they still had most of their clothing on. "Second base, I guess? Over the clothes?"

"Wait, what's second base again and third? You know, the problem is that everyone has a different definition of the bases. I think everyone agrees that first base is kissing, up to and including French kissing, maybe necking. And a home run, well...that's obviously intercourse. But second and third covers such a wide range...heavy petting, above and below the waist, over and under the clothes. And there's a whole big playing field between getting handsy and intercourse..."

She was babbling...about the bases of physical intimacy—and he wasn't sure if it was because of his pre-existing state or her babbling or the subject matter, but this was incredibly...

"What?" she asked when she noticed him staring.

"God, you're sexy when you babble."

Her wide grin was almost his undoing. As it was, his heart was racing and every nerve ending alive. He wasn't sure if she felt it through their connection or she could just read him, but the look on her face said she knew full well what she was doing to him.

"Well..." she started, trailing her fingers over his chest, making him wish his shirt was already off. "All that said, I'm not sure what was clearly no further than third base counts as a conquest for your tally over there." She nodded in the direction of the singed post.

"No?" He swallowed. "Surely you're not saying your...uh, experience was anything less than satisfactory."

"Oh God, no. Ten out of ten."

He barked with laughter. "Lo-is!"

"What?" She laughed along with him. "I'm serious, though..." she said, her tone sobering, almost whispering her next words. "That was the best...experience of my life so far."

"Really?"

"Really." She reached up to touch his face and look deeply into his eyes. He could feel the love and gratitude flowing from her freely. "And I'm so thankful it was with you."

And then she leaned closer, her lips capturing his own, tender at first, and then increasingly desperate, as though she was trying to tell him how much it meant to her, how much he meant to her...but whether the kiss said it or not, he could feel it squarely in his chest, the most excruciatingly wonderful feeling of love and deep affection. Belonging and home.

"Make love to me again, Clark."

In answer, he pressed his lips to hers again for a deep, impassioned kiss. When he pulled back, he cupped her cheek, running this thumb over her smooth skin. "Will you still let me keep my tally mark if we move this to the bedroom?" he asked, the corner of his lips quirking up sightly.

The sound of her laughter made his heart sing. "Absolutely, farmboy. Take me to bed."

Happily, he scooped her up in his arms and floated down to the barn floor, and he groaned with pleasure at the feel of her body sliding slowly down against his own. Taking a moment to collect himself now that she was standing on her own two feet, Clark took a shuddering breath.

Pulling his glasses down slightly, he peeked over at the farmhouse. Whether his parents had already gone to bed early or were being conspicuously discreet, he was relieved to see the path to their bedroom would be uninterrupted.

"C'mon," he said, grabbing her hand and heading towards the house at a half-run with her, feeling almost giddy.

As much of a hurry as he was to make love to her, he couldn't help but stop just shy of the porch and gather her in his arms and twirl her around and around with him. Her resulting squeal of delight only made his heart beat stronger. When they stilled, he held her closer, his forehead touching hers and their lips just inches apart.

And all of a sudden, his heart ached not only with tenderness but some inexplicable feeling of apprehension. He could feel her heart in his, holding him, beating together with his own.

"What is it, Clark?" She pulled back a little and he could see her searching his eyes, surely wondering why the abrupt change in his mood.

"I...I'm not sure. I guess...everything just seemed so happy, so wonderful...and the second I realized it, I remembered that there's so much more. So much..." His breath hitched for a moment. "We can't...I know we can't stay here, not forever. But for a moment, I let myself imagine that we could, that..." <<...we didn't have to go back home.>>

"Hey, hey, love," she soothed as her hands came up to frame his face. "We have time. We have all the time in the world now. Together. One step at a time, okay?"

Her eyes were worried, but he could see as well as feel her love for him, her yearning to protect him, save him—so loud and so clear. He nodded haltingly, swallowing back the tears he didn't want to deal with right now. "Okay," he whispered.

She stroked his features with her fingertips, his brow, his cheeks, his lips. "Now, do you want to go take a walk down to the pond or make love?" she asked, her voice soft and gentle.

Her question held no expectation or judgment, and he was grateful. "I...need you..." he rasped. "I...I almost feel like I need you too much. We've been...it seems like..."

She shook her head so gently, and he could feel it in her heart. "I don't think so. Just think of what we've been through, Clark. What you've been through. Starved for touch. Forbidden from feelings. Forced to..." He could feel the anger rise in her throat but she tamped it down. "Look at me...you can't love me too much."

Her eyes, her heart, were pleading with him to understand. His heart clenched at the thought that it was all too much and that he might not make it through, but looking in her eyes...her heart holding his...he knew he could let her do the believing for both of them right now. Let her hold him. Let her love him. And he would be okay.

Grateful yet again, he let her take his hand and lead them both to their bedroom. When they got there and had closed the door, somehow he was all nerves, as if this was somehow their first time even though they'd made love several times over in the last twenty-four hours.

And Lois seemed to know, sense that he was hesitant now, whether it was their connection again or it was written all over his face. She stepped towards him and put her hands on either side of his neck, her face close and their lips a hair's breadth apart. "Love me, Clark."

Her kiss was gentle, loving, as though she was trying to soothe his soul. His hands came up to rest on her hips to hold her close, and she leaned further into him as she deepened the kiss. Her hands touched him slowly, exploring every part of his face and neck and making him feel both cherished and desired, and he nodded in answer to her silent question when she reached the knot of his tie.

Her lips moved to take place of where her hands had been as she worked off his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt. He felt his uncertainties bleeding away, replaced with a slow-burning need to love and be loved by the woman in his arms.

"I love you, Clark. I love every part of you," she told him, staring into his eyes and imploring him to believe her or take it on faith for now if he couldn't.

All he could do was nod before he captured her lips, his hands threading through her hair and causing it to tumble down out of its loose bun and frame her face. When he pulled away, he was overcome with the sight of her, love flooding his heart all over again. "You're so beautiful," he said as his thumb stroked her cheek, feeling like he couldn't find the right words, the perfect words to describe her, what he saw when he looked at her, how she made him feel.

Their connection was surging, thrumming with the warmth of their love and desire for one another. "You're beautiful too, you know. Your body. Your soul. Your heart," she said, her voice catching a little. "I couldn't have asked for a better man to share my life with."

His heart and chest overflowed, and he swallowed past a small lump of emotion. "My wildest dream...my deepest wish...you're everything come true, Lois. You're everything."

She reached up to stroke his cheek, and he could see her eyes shimmering with unshed tears as her hand moved back behind his neck to pull him in closer. Her lips met his and they moved in perfect tandem, somehow managing to convey all the things they couldn't put words to, the things only their hearts could tell each other and no one else.

Afterwards, they found their way under the covers, and Lois snuggled up against him, her warm and soft curves molded against him and her head resting in the crook of his arm. And they talked again of gentle things, trying not to venture too near the harder topics, at least not right now in bed. Part of him could feel them crawling ever closer, though, and he loathed the idea that this mostly blissful time with Lois had a timer, some sort of expiration date before they had to face the hard things again.

After almost a year of keeping his feelings so far away, it was daunting having them so near. As Lois drifted off to sleep in his arms, he held her closer and tried to lose himself in the rhythmic reassurance of her heartbeat, so steady and close. He reached out with his senses and gathered three more heartbeats, surrounding his own heart in his mind and protecting himself for his dreams to come.

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