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Chapter 19: Haven't Forgotten My Way Home
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Mid-March 1997
23 Days Since Clark Came Home

"So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')...
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay..."

Broken by Lifehouse
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"Well, if no one else is going to say it, I will!" Lois cried, smacking her hand down on the dinner table and making the plates rattle. "How are you going to survive being in Metropolis and hearing EVERYTHING, Clark? All the sirens, alarms, cries for help. You can't. I know you can't. It'll eat you up inside. So if we're going, we're really going back...you're going to need to wear the suit again."

Clark stared, his chest heaving with ragged breaths and his heart pounding in his chest, yet somehow still in rhythm and in tune with hers. She'd stunned them all into silence—him, Mom, Dad—and thankfully hadn't woken Kallie.

She was right. She was right, and the fear of it all clenched through his stomach. "I don't know," he ground out, his voice rough and uncertain.

"Then we can't go." Her eyes bore into him, imploring him to...he wasn't even sure what. "I won't do it. I won't watch you suffer like that. Not when I've just gotten you back."

"But...work. I know you, Lois. You need to get back to work." His protest sounded weak even to his own ears, but he hated being the one to hold her back.

"It's waited this long, Clark. It'll wait a bit longer," she said, somehow with no anger or sadness, though there was an underlying frustration.

"There are other things to consider," Martha added in, gently.

They all turned to look at her. It'd been him and Lois arguing for ten minutes now and his parents had been all but silent.

"Everything you told us, honey...you're going to need help, professional help. A trauma therapist, maybe someone who works with combat veterans, PTSD." Martha looked at him and he could see the anguish in her eyes, knowing everything he'd been through—the pain he'd wanted to spare them but hadn't been able to.

"You're not going to find one in Smallville, son," Jonathan said. "And these things don't just heal on their own, no matter how much love you're surrounded by."

"How am I supposed to see a therapist—how would that even work? It's not like I can just waltz in somewhere in the boots and cape and tell them Sup—tell them I'm broken beyond repair."

"Don't say that!" Lois leveled a serious stare at him. "You are not beyond repair."

"Superman. Doesn't. Kill." His voice was quiet and strained, and he could barely get the words out past the lump in his throat. Every single cell in his body was urging him to flee, to run away and shove the feelings deep down inside. The ugly truth that no one seemed to want to acknowledge but him.

Everyone was silent, and all he could hear for a moment was the ticking of the clock on the wall, marking the seconds incongruously with the three rapid heartbeats around him.

"It was war, Clark. It's different," Jonathan finally said, quietly but in the tone he always used when he was deadly serious. "There are men and women out there every day in the military, making choices they would never make under normal circumstances, pulling triggers they'd rather not pull. They didn't set out to be killers and they aren't considered as such, either. War is ugly and unfair, but it didn't make you a murderer."

"But...Superman doesn't have that luxury, that excuse. I have to hold myself to higher standards."

"Superman wasn't up there," Martha said. "Clark was. Kal-El was. You didn't have any powers; the same standards didn't apply. You can't blame yourself."

"But I do. I know what I did. I can't stop thinking about it. And I don't know how to be Superman because of it."

"Dad's right. They're right." Lois' voice was low, almost reluctant. "I've seen it before...I didn't even make the connection until now. But my first Kerth—the soldiers on the front lines of the Gulf War? I did a follow-up a year later, and...you need help, Clark. They needed help, and not all of them got it."

"Okay," he said, his response quiet but automatic. There was an unspoken fear in the pit of Lois' stomach that he didn't want to explore further.

"Okay." She grabbed his hand and interlaced her fingers with his.

He held on tight to the feelings of love and connection and concern and support she was surrounding him with. "How do we do this, though?" Clark asked.

Lois squeezed his hand. "We can wait, honey. We can wait a little longer."

He shook his head and took a deep breath to steel himself. "You all are right, though. I need professional help, and that's in Metropolis."

"Couldn't you just...fly in for appointments and come back here?" Lois asked, and he could feel the silent undercurrent of desperation, wanting to keep him safe and protected.

He knew without asking that she'd stay here with him until he was ready, that she wouldn't leave his side anymore than he would hers, not after being apart so long without knowing if he'd return. And it killed him to think she was sacrificing more for him.

He felt more than saw her shake her head. <<It's not a sacrifice. We're in this together.>>

"Okay," he said again, aloud for his parents' benefit.

"Good. We'll find you a therapist, and then in the meantime—before you're ready to go back—we can work on our plan," Lois said, her voice rough with emotion.

Clark nodded, the anxiety settling a bit but leaving a deep tension that made his muscles ache. The idea of talking to someone he didn't know...about...everything...

He didn't want to think about that right now. But the plan—working on the plan sounded productive, distracting. Complicated. "How do we even begin to make a plan to address my reappearance, both my reappearances? When it's time, that is."

"Well, they can't coincide," Jonathan warned. "As much as this Wells character says your identity was protected when he brought the other Clark here, I can't say I fully trust him on that. You still have to be careful."

"And there's...my mess to clean up." Lois shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

Martha was quick to answer her. "Honey, no. We've been over this before. You did what you had to do. The only thing you could do. We knew this was coming, that we'd have to address this when Clark got back. So we're just going to address it. No blame to be had, okay?"

"Okay, Mom," she said. He hated how small her voice sounded.

"We should probably bring Mr. White in at some point to coordinate our facts," Jonathan said.

"You think we should tell Perry...everything?" Clark eyed his father, not quite believing he'd suggest such a thing.

Jonathan's eyes darted to Martha and then to Lois. They were all looking at each other, and no one spoke for a moment.

Lois squeezed his hand. "Honey, Perry knows."

Clark felt a flush of icy fear shoot through him, and it took him a few moments to fight against the long-ingrained fear of anyone finding out his secret. This was Perry. It would be okay—already was okay. Even his dad wasn't upset.

Lois brought her other hand up to hold his more fully, running her fingers along their knuckles. "He'd apparently known for a while—even before you left, maybe—and when the other Clark left again...well, Perry was really confused. So now he knows it all. He helped keep the rumor alive...all this time."

"Oh." Clark wasn't sure what else to say.

"That's probably a good idea, Dad, to bring in Perry," Lois said. "But I just don't know how to escape the fact that I essentially told the world that Kallie is Superman's child."

His heart clenched. "She is," he whispered hoarsely.

"Oh, honey. I know. I know. She is." Lois' hand came up to stroke his brow and she seemed to be searching his eyes for...forgiveness, maybe. "She's yours. Ours."

"Can't Clark—Superman, rather—just deny the rumor, publically?" Jonathan asked.

"I don't want to lie, Dad. I...I've already compromised my morals, my ethics. I can't add to it."

"Honey, how is it any different than saying Clark is not Superman?" Martha asked.

"Because I don't actually have to say that to anyone...it just...is. And besides, I'm not sure I'd be able to get those words out of my mouth..." His eyes dropped to the table, to his hand joined with Lois', and he wished desperately that this wasn't so hard, that they could just go home and be a family. No rumor. No trauma.

No one knew what to say next, and it was a few moments before Martha got up to start clearing plates. "Well, I think we've probably earned ourselves a break," she said.

Jonathan got up automatically to help, and he started scraping the scraps into the waste bin, then handing the plates to Martha to pile in the sink. "Lois," he started as he scraped, "maybe you could go ahead and give Perry a call? We'll probably need his help to solidify a plan."

Lois nodded. "Sure."

*********

Clark wasn't sure what was more awkward...talking to Perry knowing that he knew, landing on the roof of the Planet with his jeans and t-shirt on—in front of Perry, or the idea of the flight back when he'd have to carry Perry in his arms.

It was all awkward. All of it.

Even just flying alone by himself on the way there had been awkward. And he hated that. Using his powers again should be comfortable, easy...like riding a bike.

"Clark." Perry cleared his throat and nodded his head in greeting casually, though Clark could tell he was trying carefully to school his expression.

"Mr. Whi—Perr—uh, Chief." He felt...exposed, vulnerable having Perry know his secret. Would it have been better, easier if he'd worn the suit? He'd been in the suit in front of Perry plenty of times...but he'd just as often been in front of Perry in jeans and a t-shirt too.

"Knowin' it is quite a different sight than, ah, seein' it." He nodded again, eyebrows raised, Clark assumed in reference to the flying, to the...well, the whole secret identity.

"I..." Clark didn't even know what to say. What did he say? Throw his arms wide and say hop aboard?

"I'm really glad to see you back, Clark. Really glad." It was rare to hear Perry's voice so gruff with emotion.

Clark's heart clenched, his chest tight, and he could feel the tears threatening. The thought of flying here and picking Perry up had been so nerve-wracking, he hadn't even thought about how it would feel to see another person outside of family again, especially someone who was almost like family.

"Thanks, Chief," he choked out, ducking his head a bit and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Congrats on the little one."

"Th—" He tried to clear the lump from his throat. "Thank you," he whispered weakly.

"Can't wait to meet her."

Whether it'd been an intentional lifeline or not, Perry's words reminded him of the task ahead. Well, the immediate task: get Perry to Smallville. And taking his friend to meet his baby seemed a whole lot easier than flying his boss to his childhood home to plan his uncertain future.

Clark cleared his throat again. "Ready?"

"As I'll ever be." He shrugged lightly and stepped towards Clark.

It got awkward again when he cradled his boss in his arms, and more awkward as he held him securely as he flew. Neither of them talked on the way, and for that he was grateful.

As they headed towards Smallville, Clark thought about having Perry in on the secret. He supposed it was good to have someone else on the inside, especially someone like Perry. Heck, when he got back to work, it would be a load off his mind to not have to worry about getting fired because of Superman-related absences.

...assuming he managed to put the suit back on.

He wondered, also, at the generosity of the man in his arms. Lois had said any time gone that the Planet wasn't covering with paid leave, Perry was paying out of his own pocket. Not for the first time, he felt inadequate and undeserving of the support and unconditional love he'd gotten. Then he heard, though it wasn't telepathy, Lois' voice in his head, admonishing him, reminding him that love had no requirements.

Clark landed on the porch and set Perry down, stepping back a bit to let him gather himself and smooth out his suit.

"Chief?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks...thank you for everything. Lois told me...I just..."

Perry reached over to rest his hand on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze, looking him solidly in the eye. "You're welcome, Clark. I...you're welcome."

Clark knew there was so much more he himself wanted to say, but the words just seemed inadequate and hard to come by.

Perry gave his shoulder a final squeeze and said, "C'mon, son, I need to meet this baby of yours."

They made their way inside, where Perry gave Lois a strong, emotional hug that Clark could feel the echoes of within his own chest, and there were brief greetings with his parents before Perry swooped in and gathered Kallie in his arms.

She settled there without reservation, fascinated, it seemed, by his thick eyebrows and animated expressions. Clark's amusement fought with a fondness and affection he wasn't sure what to do with. Either way, his heart was lighter for it, and Lois' was too, he could feel as she pulled him over to sit with her on the couch.

For what seemed like the better part of ten minutes, they all watched and listened as Perry told Kallie an Elvis story—in baby talk. When Perry finally wrapped up his story, he relinquished Kallie to Jonathan.

"Here you go, kiddo. Back to Grandpa." He cleared his throat and looked around at everyone else. "What? It was a kid-friendly story about a boy's love for his momma. Can't get more wholesome than that."

Everyone chuckled lightly, but now that the cheerful diversions were over, the energy in the room started to change. The difficult and precarious work lay ahead for them now. There was no sense in delaying.

Perry settled himself back in one of the armchairs and propped one leg up, ankle on his knee, and he tented his fingers. "So...now that I, uh, know that you know that I know...first things first," Perry started, turning to Martha and Jonathan. "I wanted to reassure you that your secret is safe with me. I imagine it must have been hard all these years keeping something like this to yourselves."

"Thank you, Mr. White," Jonathan said.

"Please, please, call me Perry." He held his hands up as if to ward off the formalities.

"Thank you, Perry," Martha said.

"Of course." He nodded. "What Clark does...well, there's no accounting for how much better off Metropolis—the world—is for his presence as Superman."

Clark shifted in his seat, tensing a little, and Lois squeezed his hand.

"And his presence and work at the Planet..." Perry continued, "Well, I'm sure Lois would agree with me that the paper wouldn't be nearly as good without it."

"No, it wouldn't," Lois said quietly, squeezing his hand again.

"So..." Perry started slowly. "Lois told me a bit over the phone, but not everything, I gather. And—" He held up a hand and looked directly at Clark. "—you don't have to tell me more if you don't want to. That's yours to deal with how you need to. I just...well, I've had friends back from war, and I know it's far from easy. I, uh...I have some contacts for you—Lois said you'd be looking for therapy?"

Clark nodded awkwardly. The reality of it still made him nervous.

"Good. Good." Perry cleared his throat. "I have people you can contact. You can make a choice or I can help...if you want."

Clark nodded again. "Thanks, Chief."

Perry tipped his head in acknowledgement. "And now that's settled..." He paused, leaning forward a bit in his seat. "Now is the, uh...more delicate part."

Everyone waited, and the silence seemed to stretch through the room uncomfortably until Kallie gurgled.

Perry started again, "There was the, uh, rumor that Lois started with the other Clark when he was here. Now, Lois, you told me to let that play out...and I did...not."

"What?!" Lois tensed and edged forward in her seat, and Clark could feel a mix of anger and fear from her, rising to the surface.

He held his hands up again. "I clamped the lid down tight on that rumor. The only people that really needed to hear it were in the building at the time. And I let everyone know that it was not, under any circumstance, acceptable for their colleagues' personal business to become fodder for the National Whisper or the Dirt Digger. If there was a story to be had, then it would run in the Planet."

"But, Perry—"

"Now, Lois, honey, hear me out. You weren't thinking clearly at the time—no fault of your own!—but I knew the best thing for that rumor was to let it die out. The gossip mill died down after a few days, and I didn't do a thing to stir it back up so it wouldn't spread. Can't have every xenophobic whacko or super villain in the world after you and your baby, can we? That's the last thing you and Clark needed."

Lois sat back again, but was no less tense. Clark was just as tense, suddenly terrified about what fate could have befallen his family...the danger that Kallie might still be in one day if the truth ever got out.

"So, what now? Does everyone just think Clark and I up and left the Planet after a ridiculous tiff? That I would abandon my career for...for..." Lois trailed off, looking over at Kallie. Clark felt her heart twisting, and she squeezed his hand even harder.

"Of course not! I put you on medical leave. Told the mucky mucks upstairs that you had a high-risk pregnancy, doctor-ordered bed rest for the rest of your term, and that if they even thought about firing the best damned journalist they'd had in years, I'd have legal on the phone so fast they wouldn't know what hit 'em."

"Oh." Her grip loosened. "That...that's a much better story. Thank you, Perry." There was a slight tremble in her voice, but still she sounded relieved. "What about Clark? What did you say about him?"

"Ah, well..." Perry uncrossed his legs and smoothed his slacks out before recrossing his legs again. "That's a bit more complicated."

"Complicated how?" Jonathan asked, more than a hint of worry in his voice.

"With Lois out of the newsroom and Clark gone and the rumor kaput..." Perry paused to clear his throat again. "The problem is...was...well, I put Clark on vacation for as long as I could—a week or so was all I could manage, but then the higher ups wanted to know where their other star reporter was..."

"Perry," Lois interrupted. "Just tell us."

"Clark doesn't currently have a job."

"Perry!" Lois yelled.

"Now, Lois, there wasn't much to be done about that—no easy excuse to be had for his absence. I tried—came up with a story assignment that would have him out of town indefinitely, but it was a bit of a flier, to be honest. The suits upstairs wouldn't approve of it without more substantial leads, which, of course, didn't quite exist. But we'll figure it out. I'm still the editor, after all."

Clark wasn't sure whether to feel sick to his stomach or relieved. No job was just as well, wasn't it? He wasn't even close to ready to come back.

"How do we explain Clark's absence, then? I doubt they'll let you just give him his job back after he left without cause."

She stood and started pacing. He knew she thought better when she paced, but it was making his anxiety worse. It was long minutes while everyone watched her as if there were a tennis match in the living room. And then Clark saw it. That look on her face that he hadn't seen in so long, the one that never failed to make his heart beat faster, make him fall more in love with her while worrying what trouble she would find next.

"What if Clark brings them a story they can't refuse? An exclusive literally no one else could get?"

Everyone was looking at her expectantly, and Clark had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Perry had an eyebrow raised. "...Superman's Return?"

She pointed a finger at him. "Not exactly, because that wouldn't explain his absence. They'd want to know what he's been doing for the last seven months, make sure there was nothing illegal or untoward happening in that time that would come back and bite them, give them a PR nightmare."

"Fair point," Perry said.

Lois came back to sit down next to Clark, and she took hold of his hand and rubbed gently at his knee with her other hand. "Honey?" she said softly. "What would you say if we told everyone that there had been a unique opportunity for a Daily Planet reporter to join Superman on New Krypton?"

"What?" Part of him couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. "When? How? Why?" It's too dangerous, he wanted to add. But it was a cover story. No one was going with him. He wasn't going back.

"After the other Clark left. We'll just keep it vague—the fewer details the better—but that Superman came back briefly and made the offer. And because I was pregnant and couldn't go myself, I insisted that you take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for exclusive coverage of Superman's time on New Krypton."

Clark tried not to flinch.

"Lois," Jonathan said. "Surely, that's...well, isn't that too...? On the nose?"

"And besides," Martha piped in, "Who would believe that Clark would leave you behind on Earth, while you were pregnant, no less?"

"Except...I did. That's exactly what I did."

Martha gasped. "Oh, Clark."

And then Lois had both hands on his face, making him look at her, her thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. "Clark, no. No, no...honey, you didn't know! It's not the same...it's different. If you were just Clark—no powers, no Kryptonian heritage—I know you wouldn't have left." Her fingertips traced along his brow. "I know you—your heart, your beautiful soul—you had to go. You wouldn't be the man I love if you hadn't. And you couldn't have known about Kallie, so I won't have you feeling guilty about it, okay?"

His chest was tight and a lump in his throat, but he nodded.

"And you're right, Mom," Lois continued. "It would be hard for anyone who knows Clark to believe he'd leave me, unless..."

"Unless he thought you'd been unfaithful with someone he considered a friend," Martha finished.

"It's right back to where I started with things after the other Clark left. I still don't know what the hell Wells was thinking, bringing him in and then snatching him away after only a month." The rancor was evident in her voice.

"It makes sense, the rumor," Jonathan said. "But isn't it a little bit...far-fetched to have a reporter going into space like that?"

Perry barked with laughter and everyone stared at him.

But Lois spoke before Perry could explain. "I, uh...have been known to go to extremes to get the story before. It's not...unheard of."

"Really, Lois?" Martha asked. "I know Clark has mentioned you being impulsive and a bit reckless at times..."

Lois laughed, and Clark couldn't help but smile a little despite the gravity of the situation.

Perry explained, "The first time Lois met Superman, she was all set to send herself up to the Space Station Prometheus with the rest of the Messenger crew."

"Lois!" Martha chided. "Were you just going to live up there?"

"I hadn't planned that far ahead! I was doing what I had to do for the story." Lois looked over at Kallie in Jonathan's arms. "I wouldn't now..."

"Of course, you wouldn't, honey," Martha said, smiling warmly. "I guess I just didn't realize quite how daring you used to be."

Jonathan piped up again, "But the fact of it seems to be that this would require Clark to write articles about his time up there. Are we sure that's such a good idea?"

"Jonathan, honey, journaling can be a very important tool in therapy, helping process emotions," Martha said.

"Articles don't exactly sound like therapy, Martha," Jonathan said.

"Actually," Lois added, "it can be very cathartic. And it's not like he'd have to share everything, all the details."

All of this was overwhelming. Clark felt like he was in this weird limbo with everyone talking about him as if he wasn't here, except he was here. He was back, and he wanted a say. And he wanted to do whatever it took to get his life back. To make sure Lois got her life back.

"I'll do it," Clark said, his voice quiet but his tone firm.

They all turned to stare at him, the room silent but for Kallie's whimpering. Clark stood and went over to Jonathan, taking Kallie gently from his arms. He cradled her in his arms and rocked her gently, running his fingertips over her soft cheeks, and she quieted.

"How can I not?" he asked, looking at everyone in turn. "She deserves to live in a world with Superman. So how can I not do everything I can to be okay again?"

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