10
Jon settled into the backseat of his mom’s car, and soon, they were on the road, headed into town. Just him and his mom. He did love Saturdays with his grandparents, but he loved Sundays with his mom even more. It was almost silly actually, because it was mostly just errands. They had a list, even. Every week, they’d drop off packages to be mailed, stop at Maisie’s to leave the few dozen extra eggs his grandma had collected during the week, head to the library to exchange his books, and go grocery shopping. Sometimes, like today, they’d also plan a stop at the bakery.
And the bakery was his favorite because his mom would always let him pick out an extra treat for them to share.
His grandma baked all the time. However, she mostly made cakes and pies and cookies. Not the chocolate croissants or strawberry turnovers or blueberry banana muffins that Patty did.
He heard his mom sigh quietly as she turned onto Main Street. And then he felt a sort of strain. Holding back tears. Sadness and uncertainty.
He shook his head to block her feelings from reaching him. He’d promised his grandpa not to eavesdrop. And even though his grandpa hadn’t known exactly what that meant, he intended to do his best to keep that promise.
“Are we going to go to Patty’s first today, Mom? I thought we’d get a chocolate croissant. Those are your favorite, right?”
A soft laugh from the front seat was followed by muffled sniffling, and he frowned.
“Yes, sweetie. That sounds great. Let’s do that,” his mom said, and she turned right at the next stop sign and pulled up in front of a colorful store with a large pink and white sign that read, “Patty’s Pastries.”
He hopped out of the car as soon as it stopped and then did what he’d always seen his grandpa do for his grandma—he hurried around to the front driver’s side and opened up the door for his mom. Her smile when their eyes met filled him with happiness, and he reached out and grasped her hand.
“Come on, Mom,” he said, tugging her along with him. And she laughed and followed as he led the way to the bakery.
Twenty minutes later, full from chocolate croissants and freshly baked cookies thanks to a new recipe Patty was trying out, the two gathered Jon’s library books from the car and then started off down the sidewalk toward the library to check off their other errands.
“You know your dad told me he read every book in this library. Twice,” his mom said as they started up the steps.
<<If only he were here to see you right now, Jon. He would be so proud of you. So happy. He’d love you, so much.>> He hadn’t meant to hear it, but he’d stopped concentrating for just long enough that her words slipped through. A painful aching built up in his chest, and his shoes scuffed loudly into the concrete as he stopped suddenly and screwed his eyes shut. Unlike the night before, however, this time, he couldn’t just banish the pain because the pain wasn’t his mom’s. It was his.
He reached out to the voice that had been drifting through the day with him and almost immediately heard it. Quiet now, and more exhausted than before.
<<I’m so sorry, kiddo. I hate that I’ve caused you and your mom all this pain. I heard her, and she’s right. I do love you.>> Strong waves of love and pride washed over him, and he almost sobbed again at the intensity of the emotions.
Slowly, he raised his eyes up to see his mom, and he shook his head and blinked back tears.
<<Oh Jon. I’m so sorry, sweetie.>> “I’m so sorry, sweetie.” Her words echoed her thoughts, and he quickly closed the distance between them, shifted the books he held to one arm, and then wrapped his other arm around her waist. “I didn’t mean to upset you, sweetie. But I… Well, sometimes it helps to talk about him, and…”
“It’s okay, Mom. I…like to hear about him. It’s just…”
“It’s hard today?”
He nodded as he stepped away from her and took her hand again. Together, they began walking up the stairs leading to the library, his mom’s hand firmly gripping his. And he had to remind himself to concentrate so that he wasn’t overwhelmed by her thoughts. Even still, he could feel her mind racing. A sort of thrum in his head that wouldn’t go away.
And he still felt his dad’s presence, although it seemed to be flickering in and out now.
<<Soon, kiddo.>> A weight pressing down on his chest, and his shoulder aching. And so tired and stiff.
<<God, I can’t wait to meet you.>><<I…want to tell her, Dad.>> Jon let go of his mom’s hand and reached forward to open up the door for her. She smiled at him as she entered the library ahead of him, murmuring a quick, “Thank you.” But he saw the sadness in her dark eyes and the tension in her shoulders, and he struggled to smile back.
<<I want to tell her. I want to…believe this is real. But I’m…scared. I’m scared it’s not. And I’m scared to tell her.>>He didn’t get a response, and when he stopped and closed his eyes for a minute, reaching out as he’d learned to do over the last day and a half, he felt…nothing. Emptiness. Silence. And that didn’t help make him any less scared. He swallowed hard.
“Jon? Everything okay, sweetie?”
His mom’s kind voice was filled with concern, and he hated that he’d made her worry. Again. She’d worried enough. Really. And so, with a deep breath, he forced the smile on his face and opened his eyes.
“Yes, I’m fine, Mom. I was just…thinking. Can you help me pick out some new books to read? I think I want…sci-fi this time!”
He hurried back to her side and took her hand again, and she squeezed him gently.
“Sure, sweetie. Let’s see if Mrs. Meeks has any recommendations.”
And together, the two continued toward the librarian’s desk to check the next item off their list of errands.
